Recently I found out that my Aunt Mary died 11 days ago on September 7, 2010. Then as I was searching for her obituary, I found out my Uncle Duane had passed away in 2007. I did not know any of this until last night. It had been many years since I talked with my Aunt and not since all the family crap erupted back in 1991. Right now, tears fill my eyes because of not only the loss but the connections to pain within the family that it brings up.
It is sad that through a second hand person, my younger brother and I just found out 11 days after this happened. I cannot piece together in my mind just how much hate keeps someone in my immediate family from letting other family members know someone has died. This is too much for my mind to comprehend. It is too much hate.
I so badly wish I could have talked to them one last time and asked them questions that carry secrets of a life time. I doubt I'll ever find some of the answers to the questions I have in my mind but it would have been nice. Both my aunt and uncle were always nice and treated us nicely. I only hope that I can still connect with some of my cousins and my other Aunt before it is too late. If any of you are reading this, I would like to exchange hellos.
I remember many times how my Aunt and Uncle would drive down for an afternoon visit and often we would go up to their house for Thanksgiving. I remember the big pool table down in the basement of their house and the TV blaring with whatever football game was on. I remember spending a 4th of July with them watching fireworks.
Duane Earl Kammerdiner
June 17, 1927 to Oct 3, 2007
Mary Belle (Haynes) Kammerdiner
July 15, 1928 to Sep 7, 2010
There is one important thing that I remember from my Aunt and that is the picture that is posted at the top of this entry, the red bull. While it may seem like just a stuffed animal, I felt so happy the day she gave it to me. I think it was one of my cousin's stuffed animals but I can't remember which one. My dad of course did not like the fact that she gave this stuffed animal to me as he thought it was childish or whatever else went through his pitiful mind. Anyway, I took it home and had to hide it because if he found it, he would have taken it away and destroyed it. It has remained tucked away into a box in my closet to this day, safe and sound.
But the more important part here is the sadness I feel for my family. There is so much hate and secrets that have permeated every aspect of not only my immediate family but of those that I am related to. I so badly wish I could wave a magic wand and wake up from this nightmare I have lived through. I keep thinking that one day, I will wake up and realize this has been a bad dream. It would have been a very long bad dream though.
I still remember when my Dad would cuss and swear that we were always going to love each other as a family no matter what. Of course, the things he did to tear the family to shreds did anything but keep us together. He of course will most likely never admit to these things and neither will my older brother. If they ever do, I will probably die of a heart attack from shock!
Today, I have no idea how a family is supposed to be or how they work. I barely know those that I share the same name with or a common blood line with. We are related but yet we are strangers. Most of the time, I feel like we are a million light years apart. All because, our family was so messed up and the horrors we faced robbed us of normal elements in life.
I'm not only sad and full of grief today but I'm angry at what I've had to deal with in my own family. It would be nice to find a way that carries me past all of this but I know that without the biological connection, it leaves a gaping hole in one's life. Sure, you can do all kinds of things and connect with all kinds of friends, but there is still that gaping hole. That biological connection is a stronger bond than anything we know in this world.
While I realize I'm not the only one that has endured toxic family situations, I feel some days like I have been given more than I can possibly endure. All of this almost brought me to my own death with the paralysis several years ago and I've had to climb up the steepest side of the mountain to find my way back out of the hole.
Families can be so hateful and cruel to one another. It all comes from what we are shown and given from the moment we are born. If we are given love, than it is love we are filled with. If we are shown hate and evil, than we are born into a world of turmoil and pain. It isn't easy to come through or heal from either and some times it is tougher than anything I have ever faced in my life.
So today, I honor the lives of my Aunt Mary and Uncle Duane who were bright spots in my days as a kid growing up. I will never get to say goodbye to them but I will say goodbye in my heart and in my mind. Today, while I reconnect with the grief, the pain, and the tears of all I have endured in my life, I will hold the stuffed animal as a sign that there is still love in this world. I have very few of these treasures that remain so I cherish each one.
Is it too late to see a family heal and admit to what was done? I don't honestly know. Right now, I see no possible way of that ever happening. I just see a family who hates one another and hides the secrets and the skeletons of life in a closet.
Maybe all of this will become my own motivation to completely rid myself of the influences of evil that I was controlled and manipulated by. Maybe out of my own life, there will come great positives that will help others. I can hope with possibility that amazing things can happen.
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