Loyalty Of Child Abusers

Written By Don Shetterly

One of the things I witnessed and saw in my house was how my dad controlled everyone.  I can remember him shouting at us that if we ever went to the cops for what he did to us, that it would be the last thing we did.  As evidenced of what he did to our pets, there was no mistaking what he meant.


He demanded complete loyalty to him.  He accepted nothing but us worshiping at his feet.  He would explain to us that we are family and that family loves one another.  If we questioned this in any way, it was that we had no loyalty or love for our family.

My dad would scream and rant and rave.  He'd pound his fist on the table to make his point.  There was no double crossing the family.  There was no double crossing him.  You had to back him up no matter what for anything he did.

His transgressions included child sexual abuse, rape, molestation, physical beatings, emotional abuse, domestic violence again my mom, lying and cheating.  They also included the murder of innocent pets via the use of guns or drowning in rivers.

He demanded loyalty...

Of course, he demanded loyalty.  We were not allowed to say anything to anyone.  We feared for our own lives.

Later on, when I was in the hospital and dared to speak out about what I had been through, he quit talking to me.  He showed me what the silent treatment was all about because I dared to stand up and say, this wasn't right.  In fact, he turned my entire family against me including neighbors and friends that I had known for a long time.

Does this sound like someone that should deserve loyalty and respect?  Hopefully, your answer is NO!  Anyone that does not allow for dissent or a difference of opinion is not a healthy individual.  If you do not permit yourself to be challenged, you are not a strong person in my view.

I'm so tired of hearing about loyalty these days.  I've heard it so many times in jobs.  The companies that tried to tell me they would never ask me to cheat or lie are the ones that broke the rules.  These were major corporations.

Loyalty is not about breaking the law or following someone blindly.  It is about having the respect for others.  It is about gaining respect because you earned it and you deserve it.  It is not given because you threaten people or you scream and yell at them.

The ego loves greed and control.  It likes to manipulate and punish those who don't accept their ideas as law.  It is not about being human.

We need to wake up in this world because each one of us that falls into these traps diminishes our light and our love in this world.  The more we feed the control and manipulation of the ego, the more it grows.

I so wish that I could have stood up to my dad but there would have been no one that would have listened in those days.  The payback would have been hell if I had not succeeded.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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But Come Here Fear

These days, my heart goes out to every human.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in the fears that are a part of everything we do.  It is so insidious that we don't even see it.

That's the tricky part about fear.  It blinds you to its existence while taking over everything you think, do, say, and how you act.  Most of the time you're not aware of it, even if you know it exists.

Fear is a good thing when being chased by a tiger in the jungle.  Fear is a good thing at night when you're being stalked.  Fear of failing can be good as well as many other fears.  However, fear is meant as a temporary moment, not a life long relationship.

Unfortunately, far too many in our world have experienced a not so safe childhood.  We've either gone through trauma and abuse, witnessed domestic violence in our homes, suffered at the hands of a bully, or gone through other things.  They all produce fear that resides within us and alters who we truly are.

Maybe it's a parent that does not instill a sense of safety in you as a child.  Maybe you're a witness to horrific acts of violence or bombs dropping.  Maybe you saw or were in a car accident as a child and so your sense of safety was taken away.

There are many experiences in life that leave us feeling unsafe.  In these current days we are in, fear is getting pushed to the limit, whether it is on the news we consume or in social media or just in the water-cooler talk among friends.  It is everywhere.

Even if you do like we do and turn the news off and try to mute all the political stuff of the day, you can still feel fear.  It is everywhere.  It permeates every bit and piece of our society these days and that is so sad.  My heart breaks when I see it.

These days, you can barely say anything or write anything that doesn't invoke fear's response into a statement that is twisted from your intent.  Fear keeps us blind to this practice.  Fear does not allow us to see things in clarity and with the awareness and consciousness we think we have.

I don't think numbing and disconnecting completely from the fears that are alive is necessarily the right course of action.  However, I believe that if you're watching the news and engaged in the fear rhetoric of the day, you're harming yourself and the world.

You have to make the choices for yourself about what you let into your life and what you feast on in a day.  You have to be willing to open your eyes as far open as you can, so you can see what fear has done to you.  It is not easy to do this.  It goes against every fiber and ounce of energy fear can muster up, but in order to reclaim your life, you have to take back the power from fear.

I know from experience that fear waits in the tall grass to pounce upon you in every moment.  It takes strength and courage to stand up to fear.

In the words of Joy Harjo from her "Fear Poem" come these are two lines that I just love.

Oh you have choked me, but I gave you the leash.
But come here, fear. I am alive and you are so afraid of dying. - Joy Harjo 

May we stop allowing fear to choke us, by not giving it the leash so easily.  May we remember to tell fear that we are alive and it is so afraid of dying. 

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Until The Next Time

A long time ago in a fairy land of make believe, there was this big evil monster.  He would slither around looking for ways to do what he wanted and then when he was caught, he would act all innocent.  His common line that he loved to make was "I asked Jesus to forgive me and so should you".

You might be thinking, well if someone truly asked for forgiveness and you believe Jesus forgave them, then why should others not do the same.  You might also be saying, well if you can't forgive them, then it is you that has a problem, and not the person committing the wrong.

Your logic could be convincing, except - it is all too often used for cover over the wrongs inflicted upon others.

You see, I heard this one a million times.  I watched my Dad and brother go to church and pray away their sins.  They claimed (in a very convincing way) that they would never do what they just did.  They would claim the devil got the best of them and now they have once again turned their life around for God.  Everyone would shout AMEN and sing hymns of praise.

Inexcusable Mistake Of Ray Rice

I can't speak for this "sports figure" or any other "man", but I can speak from experience.  You see, as much as some may believe Ray Rice, those who have been through things similar to this, know the hidden truth.  You can choose to believe whatever you want, but in the end, the truth is the truth.

See, when Ray Rice says, "I made an inexcusable mistake" - my bling blings go off in my brain.  Sure, I hear you.  A mistake!  I mean after all, come on!  You start throwing them punches around and pushing and shoving someone and well, you know - mistakes happen.  The other person just gets in your way.  Its an honest mistake.  If the other person wouldn't have gotten in your way, none of this would have happened.

Sickened By Those Who Support Wife Beaters

Yep, it happened again!  Should I say, surprise, surprise?  Most likely not, because this is a serious issue that happens every day in our world.  Too many women including wives and girlfriends are beaten by their husbands and boyfriends/partners.  Yet, the world goes on turning a blind eye to it, screaming out with gasps when it becomes public.

Am I upset because a recent NFL player (Ray Rice) is caught on video beating his wife?  You bet I am!  Am I upset because those around them probably knew it was going on and did nothing.  You bet I am!  Am I upset because the NFL owners and executives had the tape but failed to know anything about it?  You bet I am.  Am I upset because many fans will continue to watch the NFL and support them with their dollars while screaming out anger for what was done?  You bet I am!

Maybe its not fair to lump everyone in these scenarios together, but you know what - either you are part of making the world a better place, or you're part of the problem.  Supporting sports like the NFL and others that allow these things to go on is being complacent.  Its being part of the problem, not the solution.  Am I being harsh about this - maybe - and maybe not!

Domestic Violence Victims

One in three women and one in six men will end up being domestic violence victims.

Is Christmas Over Yet?

On November 29, 2010 the 5th most searched term on Yahoo.com was "depression". Does anyone find this odd or strange? Why is it that we have entered the "HOLIDAY SEASON", or as some demand we say, Christmas, and yet depression is on the top of everyone's mind? Let's pause and think about this for a moment.

Everyone has this utopia picture of Thanksgiving being a time when family gets together and enjoy the love that they share for each other. Yet, this more often than not, is so far from the truth. In fact, one of the more recent articles I saw published the other day said that domestic violence cases rise during the holidays.

Why is it that we all subscribe to this concept in our society? Is it out of duty and upbringing that we put ourselves through this torment? Is it because we feel we cannot rock the boat if we do not go along with what our family expects of us? Could it be that in order to show our love that we profess to our God that we put ourselves through something which we clearly do not want to do?

If we are to survive as a society, we need to begin opening our eyes up to how we treat one another and to what we all try to sweep under the rug. Depression, domestic violence and suicide does not make for happy holidays. We all know that of course but yet so many of us do very little to change that in our own lives. We tend to view it as a problem in the lives of others while were oblivious to what is going on in our own life.

Maybe what I write here today sounds pretty harsh and preachy but it really bothers me that the fifth most searched word on Yahoo.com was depression. My hope is that those who are struggling to make it through the holiday period and are fighting to stay alive will realize that the happy pictures of the holidays are not the norm. In fact, it is probably more normal to have a messed up family situation, especially during the holidays.

I know for years, I struggled to even make it through the holidays. This year is no exception because even with those around me that I love and cherish, the holidays are still a difficult time for me. Friends that I know are saying some of the things I am like "how much longer until December 26th!" For those of us who have gone through the horrors of Thanksgiving and Christmas, it is not an easy time. Yes, we suffer through it and we put the happy face on but deep down inside, it is pure torment. I'm just hoping that this is the year that the holidays are not quite as rough. I hope for this to be true.

If you are struggling with depression, thoughts of suicide or anger that leads to domestic violence, please go get help. Let me repeat this important statement. Please, go get help! It is not a sign of weakness to seek help. It is a sign of strength! I've been there and I've walked in those shoes. There are far too many horror stories I could tell in this regards. Alcohol is not the answer. Drugs are not the answer. Suicide is not the answer.

I just want everyone to know that you do not have to suffer in silence and even though you may feel all alone, there are people that care. I realize how difficult that is to hear and understand because I struggle with it as well. Just know that you are not alone. Others have walked in these same shoes.

Resolve to find something different you can do this year during the holiday season to change the course of events for your life. It may be planning a trip somewhere during the difficult times or on Christmas Day. It may be spending some quality time out in nature just enjoying the connection that you share with the world around you.

What if there was something that you could just give yourself that would help you know this year did not need to be like all the years past. What can you do to change the course of events for your life this holiday season? How can you help yourself? Go ahead and plan it out and enjoy the process of connecting with yourself. You might just find the joy that you can create in your life during these difficult moments.

(c) Don Shetterly 11/30/10 - Use by permission only.

The Pain Within The Body Grows

I'm posting this on here but please be forewarned that it wasn't easy to write and I'm sure it is not easy to read. Please take care of yourself if you decide to read this.

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Last night my body was hurting pretty bad and very tense/tight/stiff. My neck/mid and upper back especially sometimes going into my low back. Breathing was difficult as if it was almost impossible and my chest/lungs hurt. This morning, the pain intensified and was getting to the point I couldn’t take much more of it. My body was feeling exhausted and depressed.

So I went and jumped in the pool and started just pushing the water around with my arms trying to let the anger and emotions flow through that were coming up. I was taking a lot of frustrations out on the water and then I got to the point of just screaming underneath the water and hitting my arms in the water as hard as I could. It didn’t take long to get to a point of exhaustion and then I laid in one of the recliner pool chairs that we have. As I moved my arms, I could feel my body release in many ways and shake and tremble. Knowing what that’s about, I just let it happen and kept focusing on moving and breathing. Finally my breath did like the polar bear video and just went deep and then let go.

By that time, I was exhausted and I just let my body lay there for some time (until the rain storm came up). But my mind began to be flooded with so many words. I think of it as John Boy Walton used to say, that sometimes I get so much in my head going around, I just have to put it down on paper. This was one of those times. I just had to write. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. When I was done writing (through all the tears and emotions that were coming up), my body gave a big sigh of relief. Much of the pain and stiffness in my body had left, although some residual pain/stiffness was still around. I let the words of what I wrote, sink in and let myself cry as hard as my body wanted to.

When Jeff got home, I told him I wanted to go to the beach because I wanted to read what I wrote to the Ocean. So off we went. It was hard reading the words but I really wanted to have the sounds of them go out from me. It was a release and I knew the ocean was big enough to take them. When I finished through the crying and emotions that came up as a result, my body felt a sense of peacefulness and resolve. We spent the next hour just walking along side the ocean right next to the surface taking in the ocean sounds.

There’s a little residual pain/stiffness I notice in myself but it is a far different feel than just a few hours earlier. I’m feeling more like I can do this instead of feeling overwhelmed. I’ll probably get in the pool and do some more movement stuff tomorrow to keep it flowing through. This one was a rough one and it sure hit me pretty hard. The good thing is, I found a way through it.

Here's what I wrote:

The pain within my body grows as fast as a weed drenched by buckets of water. It has no end. The pain continues. Every nook and cranny of my body hurts and screams out as if a giant club is whacking it over and over. Every muscle fiber and cell dreams of a day when the pain ends, the back no longer hurts and the body moves with ease. It hurts and I want to scream. It hurts and I want to cry. It hurts but alas this is just another day.

I cry out looking for someone to fix this, someone to take this away, someone to just bring an end to it. I search for the path through it hoping to escape the pain my body endures. I long to listen to the answers for all the questions that I have and that hound me every day and night I take a breath. I beg for an end to this nightmare called life. Some days when I feel I have the strength to go on, a thief comes and robs me of all energy I can muster up.

My wonderings travel into the amusement of some sick entity that is enjoying all the pain I suffer through. My heart feels a burden of a million knives that were jammed through it. My eyes have seen so many things they wish to forget and my arms have been held back as a prisoner wanting to escape its captors.

Everything around me seems to trigger an episode of epic proportions with no logical analysis to grasp. The facts don’t add up. The observations fall short. The sounds, the smells, the touches all seem as one army united against me that my eyes cannot see. Yet, I know it exists. Its surprise awaits me with each glimpse of a night time sky or sun filled day. The triggers they come and go, almost as if they are the thief I run from. They rob me of everything. They steal me blind. How can I go on?

It is almost paralyzing when the pain begins to grown. The anger sits on the sideline as it becomes my world. The anger within me grows pushing the pains that I feel to the breaking point of no return. I so long, to notice the flowers, not the storms. I long to feel the soft gentle waves of the ocean, not the rocks hidden below the surface. I so long to feel normal, safe and secure. I so long to feel my body instead of trying to outrun it.

Yet the images, the sounds, the smells and the touches that flood my conscious mind are enough to create one of the scariest movies ever known. From the starring role of my father as the snake, to the smells of his breath masquerading as onions, garlic, and seafood as he forcefully tells a little boy to shut up and take it like a man. If such a movie was made, no one would believe it. No one would even dream this up for no rational mind could create such a scene. My mind though knows this is more than a movie.

As you bring in the supporting characters of my mom and two brothers, you begin to see the story unfold. There I am crouched down behind a chair hoping to not get what I had coming to me for whatever it was that I did. No one was home at the time of course so he had his free way with me. There was no one to stop him. And as his breath flooded the smells around me, my eyes wanted to cry out in tears. As the tears began to well up with me, I felt his big hand slap me so hard, that it was all I could do to keep track of where I was. It was as if I had been knocked into another dimension waiting for some spaceship to come rescue me. There was nothing of course that I could do. It was my cross to bear and my existence to obey him for that was what God wanted me to do. God was love after all. God was in control. God was my heavenly father as seen through my eyes of my real father.

Moment after moment, it hurt. He didn’t stop. I can remember it as if it is happening right in this moment. No, I didn’t forget it. Sorry Mr. Snake, I didn’t forget it. You wanted me to and you begged me to. In fact, you commanded me to. But my body remembered, my mind remembered and my heart shielded it for an eternity. I wanted to beg you, plead with you to stop but those silent murmurs would be met with a heavy hand of God’s discipline and love.

I want right now just to beat the shit out of you. I’d like to see hurt just like you hurt me. I have absolutely no use for you. The world has no use for you. You horrible excuse of a human; if you can be called that much.

And then the movie continued on taking in its role for the supporting actors. Little did they know what to expect when they arrived home that day. They thought it was just a shopping trip into town not expecting a thing. The gasp of screams they let out when they walked in the door. The horrors only known to the worst of criminals were unfolding before them. They couldn’t look away quick enough. They couldn’t run away quick enough. For it was right there in plain sight whether they wanted to see it or not. The horror they must have felt if they felt anything, would be very difficult but of course I’ll never for sure.

I remember my mom screaming, what in the hell are you doing as my dad stopped for a moment. The weight of his body on mine was crushing in defeat and silencing to my breath. For a moment, the pain subsided but it didn’t go away. All I remember hearing is for my mom to tell my brothers to go to their room and my father telling her to leave him the fuck alone. She wasn’t about to listen though and that was such a dumb thing for her to do. For I knew what was coming and there was no sense in the both of us suffering through the pain. But finally for a moment, the pain stopped and the weight of his fuckin body eased. I caught my breath and laid there exposed to the world not wanting to move an inch, not being able to move an inch.

As he got up, I saw him in all his ugliness as he tried to pull his pants up. In the process, I saw him remove his belt and take a swing. One swing, two swings, I lost count. She went down to the floor covering her face from the blows. She screamed out in pain. She gasped for a breath. But he didn’t stop. He continued yelling and telling her that she had no business trying to stop him. She would learn not to ever do this again. She just cried and cried and cried in between the screams and the gasps for breath. He did not stop until he was exhausted.

I wanted to stop him. I couldn’t stand to see her in this way. I couldn’t stand to see him hitting her and it was all because of me. If she wouldn’t have walked in on him doing what he was doing to me, this would not have happened. She’d be home scott free with no pain. What did I do wrong to cause this? What did I do to deserve this?

To this day, I can never apologize enough to my mom for the hurts and pains she endured. I cannot take it back and make it stop, nor could I then. But yet, she was trying to stand up for me and look where it got her. He was in the starring role of the movie as the snake. The snake that was so cunning is stupid. The snake that would startle your world at a second’s notice not knowing what God was going to do to you at that moment.

My eyes have cried many silent tears during my life but as I write this, my eyes are so filled with tears that the screen is difficult to see. And yet there are not enough tears to soothe my aching soul or my painful body. There aren’t enough screams to fill the void this has left in my life or the absence of my mom. I’m left with an emptiness of what should be in life and a longing for what I so badly needed then and now.

Is there any way to make sense of this? Most likely there is not! Is there any way to justify what this horrible excuse of a human did to me? Most likely there is not! Somehow, I’ve got to pick up the pieces of my life if I can find them, and piece them together into who I really am but do not know. I long for the design of my life but yet, the instructions are in some unreadable language – the language of pain.

The journey I’ve walked down has led me to a better moment but the pains, the fears, the unknowns still lurk beside my path. I’d love to be able to say, that all of this no longer impacts me and I can just let it go but when the pains rear their ugly head within my body, I’m once again reminded of something I’d rather forget. Can I forgive him? I want to speak words saying yes, I can because I need to but somehow in my heart, the pains I endured fuel a vengeance of disbelief and confusion towards him in what he did. The mind of a little boy is still confused and the heart remembers just as the body does.

Now as my writing closes, so does the pain ease that has been flooding my body each moment.