Surviving The Funeral

This is not a topic I write much about because even with the years that have gone by, there's a lot of pain in the walls of my heart when I try to share it.

It is hard to write about because while I miss my mom, I know she was part of the mess of trauma, torture, and child sexual abuse I went through.

No, she was not an active participant and I know she was beaten as well, but she was not able to protect me.  Before she suddenly died in a car accident, I had not gotten to speak to her in many years.  There are so many things left unsaid.

When the funeral happened, it was inside the hospital chapel because my father was still recovering from the car crash.  Somehow he, the monster in the family, was the one that survived.  The one that I wish would have made it, didn't survive.  I have great amounts of anger over that to this day that I struggle with, quite honestly.

They did everything to stop me...

It was more than difficult to get to the funeral.  In fact, the family seemed to do everything they could to keep me from going to it.  No details at all.  We had to dig for what was happening and when.  I had been unemployed and just had started a new job a couple of days before the car accident.  My anxiety about being back with the monsters in my family was overwhelming.

Fortunately some friends met me there and my partner went with me.  I remember pulling up to the hospital, and it was almost too much. I wanted to flee.  I wanted to run.  I took my Xanax to help give me a little calmness for the day but even it was not enough.

I wanted to be left alone...

We waited until the last minute to walk in.  My partner scoped things out.  Then, it was time to go in to the funeral knowing I was walking in among the wolves that hated me for daring to break the silence.  The minister came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and back and I jumped.  I wanted none of these fake people to touch me.  I wanted to be left alone.

I went to the casket and saw my mom.  She had aged a little since the last time I saw her, which was about 11 years earlier.  I cried.  My younger brother at least came up and acknowledged me and gave me time alone with her.  I introduced her to Jeff and told her I wish she could have gotten to know him.  It was the last time I would see her.

Sitting through the long drawn out service was not easy.  I sat in front of my friends, next to Jeff.  Of course the minister started in preaching of how we should forgive one another and especially our family.  I know who put him up to that line of preaching and I know it was directed at me.

Forgiveness was screwed up...

You see, in our family, you had to forgive those that harmed you.  That was the way it worked.  You had to act as if it didn't happen.  Forgiveness was such a screwed up nightmare for me for a long time.  It didn't mean they ever had to own up to what they did or how much they hurt you.  It was "you" that had to make things right.  Nothing like treating a victim like a victim!

So as I was sitting there, my anger was growing within me.  The next thing I know I did was to flip the minister off.  I don't know if he saw me.  Maybe he did.  Maybe he didn't.  It just felt so good to tell these kinds of people where to take their holier than thou attitudes and put it.

After it was over, my friends hurriedly rushed me out the door and got me out of there.  They knew how difficult it was for me.  I know that my family was getting together at my Aunt's house, but I wasn't invited.  They were afraid I'd make a scene.  I said, screw you anyway!

I left feeling dejected...

I left there feeling dejected once again.  I left there feeling like I didn't belong in the family once again.  It would be many days and months before I would be able to stop crying.  It would be years before I would even get to the point of writing what I can write here today.

I don't know how I survived the funeral.  I miss my mom.  We had so much in common but I'm glad she doesn't have to put up with the monster anymore.  In the end, the monster was responsible for the car accident taking her life because he pulled out in front of an oncoming vehicle.  I'm not sure I can easily forgive him for that, and I honestly don't care what he or my family thinks of that.

Even this many years later, I'm reminded of losing my mom.  I'm reminded of the horrors the family faced and how it made my life a living hell every day of my existence.  At times, I still cry and mourn for her loss.

I know that not everyone had a good mom.  Some had good fathers instead.  For me, my mom meant the world to me.  I feel so lost and alone without her.  The process of grieving continues.  The process of healing continues.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Mothers Day Is May 14

Mother's Day is May 14, 2017

www.MothersDayMusic.net

 

My Mom Was Special

All my life, she was very special.  After all, she was my mom.  She gave birth to me and she fed me, helped clothe me and overall I think she was one of the few that understood me.

At various times of the year because my mom was special, I did everything I could to show her how much I cared.  Yes, the turmoil and horror that went on in our house did not make it easy for her, but it was my small way of being a comfort to my mom.

At Easter, I would often bring my mom an Easter Lilly.  I still remember bringing her Apple Blossoms thinking it was some type of flower that grew on a tree.  She always accepted it with gratitude and smiled even if I had no clue what it was that I brought her.

The day I learned my mom died in a car accident, it was devastating to me.  There was so much left unsaid because of situations within the family that prevented the conversation.  My mom was so special to me though in my heart and it took a long time to heal the grief.

Out of the healing of my grief, I wrote and created some beautiful relaxing piano music.  It comes from deep within my heart.  At one point, I finally got to put it together as a "Mothers Day Music" collection for someone giving it as a gift to their clients on Mother's Day.

It is such a beautiful and flowing CD of relaxing piano music.  It was created because my mom is so special to me and it is my way of honoring her.

I know Mother's Day is coming up in about a month, so why not check this out.  Help me honor my mom and how special she was.  I'm sure your own mom would enjoy this music as well.

You can learn more about the music by going to a special website I created for Mother's Day.  In addition to the music, I've also put up some various resources that may help you for planning Mothers Day for your own mom.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Walking Through It One Step At A Time

So much is happening.  Some of it is good and some of it is not so good.  I try to stay positive but it is pretty rough waves at the moment.  I'm walking through it, one step at a time.

I know we all have our rough moments, and most of the time I can weather through things pretty well in my day.  However, this feels nonstop lately and I'm trying to keep myself grounded and centered.  Sometimes it is easier to say than it is to do.

From family issues cropping up over the holidays to the anniversary of losing some special people in my life, the other things that hit me seem small in comparison.

It was at this time many years ago, that I got the call my mom had been killed in a car accident. It was just a year ago that I was planning to go see a friend and days before I was supposed to be there, he died unexpectedly from pneumonia.  Another person I felt close to also was in her last days around this time.

It is never easy to lose someone you love.  There was so much that was left unsaid and unanswered with my mom, but it is not like I can have a face-to-face conversation with her at this moment.  Yes, I talk to my mom, but it isn't the same.  She was the one in the family that loved me and cared about me and why she left all the monsters behind, I will never understand.

For now, I just keep walking through it one step at a time.  I don't know what else to do.  When people mean as much as they do to us, it is hard to just let them go.  It is hard to not be reminded of them constantly.

• And to my Mom, this page and website is for you.
  
• And to my friend, David Bland, I still struggle with you gone.
• And to my friend Randee, I know you're at peace now, but I miss you so much.
• And to my friend Crystal, I found that time was too short.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 1/1/16 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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In Honor And Tribute To Mom

On Mother's Day, we all stop to say 'thank you' to a very special lady in our lives.  For each of us, it is different in how we celebrate and honor this day.  Our moms mean so much to us and to list all they do would take many hours, days, or weeks.

My mom put up with a lot from an abusive husband, an older brother that constantly challenged her and people who just didn't get her.  She had so much to offer, but was often overlooked because of how mild and meek she could be.

I remember my mom saying "sometimes it takes a stronger person to just not say anything" when another individual is yelling and screaming and being obnoxious.  She knew that when the going got tough, the tough got going and that was one of her favorite thoughts.

She was a lady of class, but very simple and down to earth.  She knew how to whip up a beautiful dinner, and go outside and do lawn work.  She knew how to put her all into a job, but come home to a family that she so cared for deeply.

The Process Of Grief

Recently a dear friend of mine died quickly and unexpectedly.  It wasn't easy saying good bye to my friend and I'm not even sure I'm at a point where I can say goodbye.  I know it takes time to go through the process of grief, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing this.

Some of these moments of grief reminded me of a time when I lost my own mom.  Although it has been many years now, it still feels like yesterday.  I can picture vividly everything that went on that day leading up to the phone call I received.  It is all as if it happened moments ago.

Just like what happened many years ago, I found myself in utter disbelief and shock.  I was numb to what was going on.  My mind didn't know how to process the grief.  My mind didn't even know how to acknowledge it or think about it.  I remember feeling stunned and shocked and speechless.

In Memory

I'm pausing to remember my Mom.  13 years ago I received a phone call that shook my world, giving me the news that my mom had been killed in a car accident.  The pain has lessened over time, but I still feel the affect of it to this day.  I know she is with me and I sense her present much of the time, but I still miss her.

This video is something I put together and is titled "In Memory".  It is a video in memory of my mom from 1939 to 2013.  I have included the words to this video that I wrote.  The song is one I created called "In The Arms Of Love".  All pictures in this video were taken by me.

All words, music, images are copyright 2015 by Don Shetterly

Sickened By Those Who Support Wife Beaters

Yep, it happened again!  Should I say, surprise, surprise?  Most likely not, because this is a serious issue that happens every day in our world.  Too many women including wives and girlfriends are beaten by their husbands and boyfriends/partners.  Yet, the world goes on turning a blind eye to it, screaming out with gasps when it becomes public.

Am I upset because a recent NFL player (Ray Rice) is caught on video beating his wife?  You bet I am!  Am I upset because those around them probably knew it was going on and did nothing.  You bet I am!  Am I upset because the NFL owners and executives had the tape but failed to know anything about it?  You bet I am.  Am I upset because many fans will continue to watch the NFL and support them with their dollars while screaming out anger for what was done?  You bet I am!

Maybe its not fair to lump everyone in these scenarios together, but you know what - either you are part of making the world a better place, or you're part of the problem.  Supporting sports like the NFL and others that allow these things to go on is being complacent.  Its being part of the problem, not the solution.  Am I being harsh about this - maybe - and maybe not!

Did Sandusky's Wife Know?

How much do members of an immediate family know about child abuse taking place under the same roof?  This is a very good question.  Now that Sandusky has been found guilty on 45 of 48 counts of child abuse and molestation, people are beginning to wonder how much his wife, Dottie Sandusky knew.  Some people feel she should have known what was going on and is trying to hide what happened, but I'm not sure I would agree with that analysis.

Please don't get me wrong as I'm not endorsing or supporting Dottie Sandusky in any way.  I'm sure there had to be signs that something was up, but of course all of us only see what we want to see.  If we don't want to see something, we put blinders on and act as if never happened.  Does that excuse this behavior?  Absolutely NOT in my mind.  Does everyone put blinders on?  Absolutely, yes they do!

In my own house growing up, I still question to this day what my mom knew about what was going on in the bedrooms or the barn or the vehicles or the semi-truck.  I remember at one point she was trying to hug me and I was so startled that I immediately pulled back.  It surprised her and myself.  Of course, no one thought any further about it.  I remember one time when one of my abusers was having a session with me and as we heard my mom come up the stairs, he demanded that we get dressed quickly.  When she walked in the room, I was zipping up my pants and buckling my belt.  It would have been hard for her NOT to see what was going on, but in my house you just went on as if all this was normal.  There were other things that would indicate something was going on, but it would take much more time than I have here to write it on this blog.

Happy Mothers Day

This is a special day in my eyes for many reasons.  I miss my mom so much and it is the one day of the year that I really think about her.  In addition, Mom's do so much for us that I think it is a good thing to honor these people that brought us into this world.  It doesn't have to be about expensive gifts and spending a lot of money on your mom to show her how much you appreciate her.  Spending some time with her will mean so much.

Anyway, today's post is just to say Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there and to let them know how special they are.

I saw this post on a friend's blog the other day that really touched my heart about a mom and just had to share it.  The Art of Jesse Noe Mendez: Mama, I'm coming home

Here are a couple of my favorite blog posts on mothers and mother's day.

1. The Piano My Mom Bought For Me
2. Mother's Day Facts, Trivia and Things To Do

The Piano My Mom Bought For Me

Relaxing Spa Music:
Mother's Day

Many years ago when I was only about 8 years old, I wanted to learn how to play the piano.  While there are many kids that say they want to do such things, I was one that just knew I had an attraction to the piano.  Keep in mind that I did not come from a musical family or relatives who were music.  If there were, I am not aware of them.

My mom wanted to make sure that I got every opportunity to play the piano.  When she was a little girl, she explained to me that she wanted to play the piano. However, her father would not buy her a piano because he needed the money to buy his booze.  So, for years she longed to play the piano and when I came along and expressed my interest, she made sure that happened.

Buying a $35 piano from a neighbor was my first piano.  It was a big upright piano that took several people to move it from the neighbor's garage into our house.  It did need a little tuning but overall, the sound that this piano put out was as beautiful as angelic music.  Even electronic keyboards do not measure up to the sound of this piano.

Happy Birthday Mom

Dear Mom,

Even though you are no longer here, I cannot let the day go by without remembering your birthday. You always made birthdays special around our house with the beautiful cakes you would make for us and even the choice of what you would fix for a meal that night. A birthday was always our special day and we didn't have too many of those growing up.

I just want to remember you on this day since you are on my mind. Yes, I still remember when I tried to make my first cake for you on your birthday. I learned that you had to let a cake cool before you frosted it. It didn't matter though to you because it was the thought that counted.

Thank you Mom for staying close by me. I feel you around and I wish that our family could be so different than it is. I am not sure if it will ever be a close family or even a family that at least is able to be together for a moment here and there. All our family does it fight, abuse and act as if they are self righteous. I so wish that was different.

The Joy Of A Mom On Mother's Day

I think back to the days when my mom was around and I was able to talk to her. I always found her so insightful, so knowledgeable and very creative. I realize that she put up with so much in life and went through so many things but she never gave up. She always tried to do what was right and keep going.

If your mom is still alive, make sure you take a moment out of this day and let her know how much you love her. Let her know how much she means to you and tell her these things from the heart. There is no need to memorize a list or ask others what you should say. Just tell your mom, straight from your heart, how she has impacted your life.

To my mom, I still love you even though you are no longer on this earth and I always will.

Further Reading:
1) Mother's Day Music.net
2) In Memory Of My Mom


Blog Post & Images (c) 4/25/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

For Those Difficult Moments

Often if we watch the news or we live in areas where destruction has occurred, many of us feel taken in by the suffering of others. We are compassionate beyond our responsibility as our hearts connect with those who have been affected. While we work hard to help those in need, we often feel like we just can not do enough.

I remember when my mom was killed in a car accident and I had people telling me, they just didn't know what to say or how to help. When in fact, the greatest gift they had given me was just letting me know they were there and that I had support. I wasn't alone! That very thought meant the world to me.

When we face those difficult times in our life, sometimes just the simple fact of knowing we're not walking this journey alone can make all the difference. It can give a boost to our hope, an injection of energy to our step and a tear to wash the pain away in our eyes.

So when you know people are facing difficult times around you, realize that there is only so much you can do. However, help in any way you can, keeping in mind that you also need to take care of yourself in the process. But know as well, that just by you being there for someone; even if it is to sit there in quiet stillness, you are giving so much more to them than you may know at that moment.

And if it feels like that still isn't enough, you can always send love and blessings from your heart to theirs. Their heart will receive it and it will be one of the purest forms of service, love and energy you could ever give to another traveler on this earth.

Last Minute - Mother's Day Gift Idea

How about a CD of beautiful and relaxing music for Mom on Mother's Day?

Download it on iTunes in a matter of moments
- burn it to a CD
- create some pretty artwork
- make your mom proud!


An ideal way to say I love you Mom!

Relaxing Spa Music:  Mothers Day




If the link doesn't work, just search Amazon on my name "Don Shetterly" and you'll find not only my Mother's Day CD but all of my wonderful music I've created!