How Did I Heal?

Sometimes we have no clue what to do to get out of the situation we are in, but sometimes that is where we need to be.  I know, I know, this may not sound like normal advice, but it has been true for me so many times in my past.  The more I fought the situation, the more I struggled to get out of it.

I didn't get anywhere in my healing by staying where I was and while it is easy to write these words now, it was anything but easy in that moment.  When I faced that moment of never walking again or functioning again from the paralysis brought on by a Conversion Disorder, I thought all was lost.

When I started dealing with the sexual abuse and nightmares, I thought all was lost.  In the early days of my own healing, there wasn't an internet full of support groups.  There were no readily available groups to be a part of or shows to watch.  I was pretty much on my own.

None of my healing was easy to come through.  No step was clear before I took it.  There was no way I understood my path forward or even that a path forward existed.  It felt like a fog of despair full of loneliness, depression and anxiety.  Actually in those days, I didn't even realize how depressed I was or how much anxiety I had.

The only thing that truly got me from point "A" to point "B" was that I kept trying to take a step.  I didn't know where to put my foot in taking the step, but I just lifted it up and set it down.  Often I could not even see where it would land, but as I set it down on the ground, everything became a little more clear.

Parts showed promise and parts wasted my time...

I worked at learning all I could and trying to identify everything around me that I could.  I saw something that looked like it might help and so I checked it out to see what it could do for me.  Some things worked and some didn't.  Parts of some of those things showed promise while others just wasted my time.

Most of the time I could not even see what was working and what was not.  I just went with how I felt and if there was even a momentary benefit to it.  If there was, I would see if I could repeat that and what it did for my mind and my body.   Sometimes I could isolate a part that was helping and then I would discard the parts that didn't help.

Sometimes we get hung up on needing to know the answers before we move forward that we ignore what is right before us.  It is too easy to shun that which is helpful because we are looking for that which fits into our view of what works or does not work.  As humans we tend to want to know everything before learning what we need to learn.  It is like a dog chasing his tail.

I always keep in my mind that if what I was doing up to the point of the paralysis of Conversion Disorder did not work, why should I continue to use that as a frame of reference for healing my life.  Often I needed to throw out all I knew so I could discover what it was that I didn't know.  Once I threw out what I thought I knew, it was then that I found the piece of my healing I so badly needed.

Healing isn't about repeating the steps of the past hoping for a different outcome.  It is more about throwing the past out with the weekly trash and stepping through with courage into the unknown.  It is in surrendering into the unknown that we will truly find the healing before us.  It is a process that we will most likely repeat and learn over and over again.

No, it isn't an easy process.  It takes a lot of work and often that work sucks big time!  There's no other way to state it.  To sit where you are and expect someone else to heal you will only keep you where you are.  There are many that can walk beside you and help steady you on your path, but it is up to you to step out with courage and surrender into the unknown of healing.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Thrown Into the Fire

Sometimes when you're in the middle of something that is difficult, it isn't easy to see any way forward.  It is not easy to understand that it might be the most helpful thing for you.  In fact, sometimes it is just too much too bear, that the last thing you want to think about is how helpful it may be.

In the past several months, I've had extremely difficult moments to deal with in life.  It isn't the first time this has happened and most likely won't be the last.  I was thrown into the fire like no other time I have easily seen.

If you would have told me that what I was going through was good, I would have most likely slapped ya up-side the head.  I would not have believed you.  I would not have listened to you at that moment.

It just kept howling at me...

Yet, as I think back and see all the stuff that was piling on, I'm beginning to see just why it did what it did.  One event would have been an annoyance, but event after event after experience piled on like snow drifting in a snowstorm.  It didn't stop!  It just kept howling at me at every turn.

At one point, I was ready to give up.  In fact, after one experience, I cried so hard that I could barely stop.  The pain hurt deeply.  The wound that was inflicted cut all the way through me.  I took off for the mountains to get away and find a break from it all.

I had felt so abandoned and alone, hurt and abused, and wondering where in the heck my life was going.  The mountains and the trees were my only refuge at that point.  I took off, wondering if I would even want to come back.  I took off, not caring if I really stayed alive another day.  The pain was so great, I could barely handle it.  I was thrown into the fire.

I could barely function...

As the fire raged on in my life, there was one thing after another.  It didn't stop and there were physical issues that showed up from being so exhausted where I could barely function in a day, to having to deal with a horrible rash in one of the worst places it could end up.

It felt like my life was falling apart.  It felt like there was no tomorrow. I could not get a handle on anything.  I could not get a break.  It just kept going, one experience and event after another.  I tried to hang on, but even that was exhausting.

I finally started thinking - OK - life, just have your way.  I can't control this anyway, so you might as well do whatever it is you're going to do.  I started working on surrendering to the horrible part of being thrown into the fire, even though that was far more difficult than it is to write these words.

I had no clue how to proceed...

I tried to focus as I was being thrown into the fire, but that was more difficult than breathing.  My mind was anywhere but on how to proceed.  I had no clue how to proceed or deal with any of this that was happening.

As the days went, I began to piece things together.  I began to see things a little more clearly each day.  No, it was not like everything came into view all at once.  If I sat here and said that I see the whole picture at this moment, I would be lying.  Each day, a little more shows up.  Each day I see just a little more.

The one thing that I notice is my life is changing.  I'm beginning to drop some of the long held anger in my life.  Granted, from being abused and tortured, I have a right to be as angry as I am.  It is hard to let go of that anger.  It is more than just thinking I am letting go or saying the words "I am letting go".  Maybe that works for some, but this is the cellular level of consciousness that I'm working through.

It was burning up the stuff deep inside...

The fire is all the events that were happening.  The one event after another that was consuming me.  While I thought it was consuming me (the person), I realize now that it was burning up so much of this stuff deep within me that I struggled to release and get rid of in my life.

If you burn wet and soft wood in a fireplace, the soot will build up.  If it builds up, the chimney needs to be cleaned.  You can do this a number of ways, but if you light a hot fire or a brief one in the chimney, it goes a long ways to cleaning the soot out.  (This is merely an example, not something you should try at home).

Sometimes in our life, the only way to get rid of the soot in the chimney is to burn it out.  When we are in the fire, it is then that we are attempting to get rid of that which is not helping us.  We may not see it in the moment.  It may feel like an overwhelming experience that you cannot even begin to understand this point I'm writing about.  Hey, that's okay.  I understand because I have walked through these hot stones.

The more I began to find peace...

The more I allowed the stuff that had caused me great pain to be consumed by the fire I was in, the more I began to find peace.  If I tried to hold on to the pain of those moments, I continued to stoke the fire.  No, it was not easy.  It was much more difficult than I'm writing.

I had to be patient with myself and let go of all that stuff that happened.  It was a collection of many experiences and triggers in life from years gone by, showing up as every day moments.  These were traces of things that I had worked on, but by them coming at me all at once, it ignited the fire in the furnace so much, that it ended up consuming them.

Now they are nothing more than ashes in my life that I can sweep out and make room for things that are much better and more beneficial for me.  I'm sure, there are other things that I will find as I go deeper into my own consciousness, but I know that the fire helped me.  It helped me let go of things that I've struggled with every day.

Life isn't perfect, but I can see some of those issues drastically better than they were.  I can feel like I'm more in control of them than I was and that helps boost my peace and self confidence to take on bigger tasks ahead.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Learning To Surrender In Order To Heal

It is not easy to do.  I know, I know!  Stating that we need to surrender in order to heal is like telling the person getting ready to jump off the cliff that they have wings.  It is hard to believe, understand, and comprehend.  Yet, time and time again, I have come back to this lesson.

Learning to surrender in order to heal is essential for healing.  Okay, maybe it is not the beginning stage or the intermediate stage.  Maybe it is not the point you're at in this moment and that's totally understandable.  After all, it took me a some time to get to this point in my own healing journey.

Surrender does not happen always in one single moment.  It is a process where we come to the point where we surrender a little, and then we rest.  We make it a little further in our healing, and then we stop to gather our sustenance for the journey ahead.  It isn't one moment in time, but a series of small little moments that add up.  Healing doesn't just happen at a specific point, but healing can happen at any point along the way.

As I was going through my most recent Unified Therapy healing session, I kept coming up against the physical pain showing itself in my body.  The pain was horrendous.  It literally hurt in my shoulder, arm, and neck.  If I tried to stay present with the pain, I would go into numbness.  It would be as if my arm, shoulder, and neck did not exist.

Attempting to stay present with what I was feeling in the body, I soon found that my left side felt lower on the table while my right side felt like it was raised.  My body didn't want to go in and feel these things, because it was tapping into so many of those emotions and experiences that I struggle to articulate into a coherent image.

The more I fought the process, the more the pain intensified and the more I wanted to numb my body.  This is the same thing we do in life.  Instead of going into the pain and the experiences we've been through, we tend to numb and disconnect.  We tend to medicate and avoid.  It is the human experience to do this.

A small powerful trick is to learn how to not numb or disconnect and avoid what is showing up.  The trick is to go in and surrender into this moment.  That is where the story unfolds and the trapped energy is released.  It is like lancing a boil and letting out all the bad stuff.  The surrender is the moment where we give up our attachment to the process, the experience, and yes - the pain.

Recently I fought through another round of rashes that covered my genitals in a very bad way.  This time, I was able to help move myself past this because I surrendered into it.  Is that easy to do?  HELL NO!  It can be very difficult but I've learned skills to help take myself into these moments.  The more I surrendered into it and just allowed myself to be there, the story unfolded and as I wrote it down in my journal, I felt a shift taking place.

We have so much power in us, but when we hold on to the horrible experiences and the stress in our life, we allow these moments to suck us dry.  They become our energy vampires, rather than motivation and empowerment to heal our lives.  Yes, there is a time to hold on, but there is also a time to let go.

 

Surrender is a big key of healing that I have found because as I learn to surrender into the moment I am in, I give myself a new possibility of the moments I have not yet lived.  As I surrender, I give myself the opportunity to go deeper into my own healing.  It sets me up for the next time where I will need more of that strength, courage, and determination to face the deeper levels in life.

Yes, we can settle for where we are at in our life and the healing and growth we have come through.  However, I'm not one that is okay with where I am at in this moment.  I want to travel further.  I want to get my life back deeper and more fully than I have ever known.  To do this, surrender becomes one of the best tools I have and in so doing this, I reclaim more of my power and all that I am.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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Being In The Moment

After all the turmoil I've been experiencing, I think I'm coming back to the lesson that I have not seemed to fully learn.   I am learning that I just need to be in the moment, not trying to force what I think should happen or not happen.   This is not easy for me.

Being in the moment is tough because I am one of those action type people.  I don't like to sit back and wait for something to come about.  I like to make it happen.  Being in the moment and just allowing it to unfold seems like surrender, confusion, and inaction to me.

Yet, I don't know if that is what being the moment actually is.  I think being in the moment is still about taking action, but following your intuition, your heart, your guts and any other sense that you acknowledge.

It feels like I'm out of control when I am being in the moment.  I dislike being out of control.  It creates great anxiety in me because of being out of control so many years ago in my life.  It feels like a risk to be out of control.

This is at the crux of the issue I face.  To be in the moment, means I have to realize that I cannot do everything.  I cannot bring about every piece that needs to happen.  I cannot bring my comprehension and understand of all the potential possibilities that have not even begun to appear.

However, if I continue to hold the illusion of control while not being in the moment, I'm sure I will just exhaust myself.  It is something I need to find a way to change how I view my world, rather than continue to fight and kick and scream every step of the way.

I share this on this blog today as a way to hold myself accountable.  I share it as a way to help others find their way who may be experiencing the same thing.  By the time this actually posts, who knows what my life will be looking like as I learn to be in the moment.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2/9/16 by Don Shetterly

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If You Feel Like Quitting

Today I heard something which made sense.  Do you ever feel like you're at the end of your rope?  Do you feel like you can't keep going?  I know at times lately, I've felt like enough is enough and I'm saying quits!

If  you feel like quitting, it means you're getting to the point where you are discovering what it is that is holding you back.  I'm paraphrasing now, but this makes perfect sense.

After all, its that point of surrender when you see what is before you.  Its that point of being at the end of the rope, when you begin looking for another way out.  It is that moment when you stop seeing the hole you have dug, and you begin working to dig yourself out.

I've been there more times than I care to remember.  At each moment, all seemed lost.  At each moment, I felt like I just could not keep going.  I felt like quitting. I felt like giving up.

I remember thinking to myself that I had a choice to make. The choice was somehow to find a way through this, or to give up and let myself remain in the form I was in. Of course I knew deep down that if I did not make a choice, that the choice would be made for me. Hope And Possibility Through Trauma by Don Shetterly

If I look back at those moments, I can see how things unfolded after I got to that point.  It was all the stuff I could not see in that moment, but once I got past it, all became clear.

Its easy to write these things, but it is much different to really understand this when  you're in the heat of the difficult moments.  I've been there once again recently and I'm trying to hold on to the fact, that I know I've been here before.  I know that this too shall pass.

So, if you feel like quitting or if you feel like you can take no more, look closely because you most likely have found what it is you need.  You're on the right track to finding your way through it.  You've come to that point where you are seeing things in a new light or a different light.

Trust that you will find your way through it.  Yes, it may hurt.  Yes, it may not be easy.  Just know that most likely there is a reason and whatever it is that you are learning from this difficult moment, it will be revealed to you when you're ready to see it.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2/6/16 by Don Shetterly

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The Caterpillar And The Butterfly

The day was like any other day.   The birds were chirping and soaring through the bright blue sky.  The little caterpillar was slowly trudging along the ground through the bright green grass.  The sun was shining down warmth upon the earth.

The little caterpillar noticed the beautiful butterflies flying here and there through the flowers and vegetation.  They seemed to go at ease and have no cares in this world.  "It wasn't like they needed to worry about getting stepped on like I do" the caterpillar thought to himself.

Finally after watching this for a significant part of the day, the caterpillar called out to the beautiful orange butterfly circling around.  "How do you soar and fly like that? he asked.  "Do what?" she asked.

The caterpillar cleared his throat and amplified his voice asking one more time, "How do you soar like that?"

The butterfly responded, "It is actually very easy, but you must first become a butterfly to fly like we do."

Perplexed, the caterpillar said, "I would like to become a butterfly.  I will do anything to fly like you do and enjoy a world far above my view.  Do I just make an affirmation and believe it is so?"

The butterfly explained to the caterpillar exactly what she meant.  She explained that he would have to surrender his existence into a cocoon and leave all that he knows.  He would completely transform from the shape and form he was now, into a butterfly.  Once he did this, he would not resemble anything that he is today and he would not be able to go back to this life that is his.

The caterpillar was confused.  How could he transform into something that he was not, and he wondered if it would be painful.  What would happen if he surrendered into this new form to become a butterfly?  All he had known was the life that he now lived crawling around on the ground.

The butterfly went on to explain that even though the change may seem difficult and confusing and it may not make complete sense, it is the only way for a caterpillar to become a butterfly.  It is a marvelous transformation, but the only way to find out is to surrender and let go of the life that you know.  It doesn't happen overnight, but takes some time to complete.

We are much like the butterfly and the caterpillar.  Until we surrender to all that life holds for us, we will not transform into that which we are meant to be.  We will remain a caterpillar crawling on the ground, wondering what the butterfly sees.  Yes, the transformation may not be easy. We will need to lose our self in the process so that we can discover who we truly are.


Check the following website out if you want to know more about how a caterpillar transforms and evolves.  How Caterpillar Gruesomely Turn Into Butterflies.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 1/7/16 by Don Shetterly

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Am I Enough

Am I enough?  I'm not sure is the answer in my mind.  Can I be there for someone who needs me to be in that role while they find their way back to life?  I'm not sure is the answer that comes to my mind.

It would be easy for me to give up.  With Christmas stress weighing on me hard, I could just say enough is enough.  Most years, I hibernate during this time, but this year, I've had a challenging client who needed me to be there for them.

Am I enough?  Do I know enough?  Do I know how to find my way through this healing moment with this person.  Those are questions and doubts that try to flood my mind.  I'm resisting them entry, but maybe I have to surrender to them, just as I am asking this client to surrender.

I feel shaky at times.  I try to be there, but am not certain if everything is as it should be.  Am I enough?  I don't know.  I feel like someone has to have more answers than I do right now, but yet I'm not sure most have been in some of the deep dark places I've been and where this client is at.

I try to trust that I am enough.  I try to have faith that I'm doing all that I can do and if I am not, that I'll see what it is that I need to be doing.  I try to trust that what I need for this moment is here in the present offering itself to me.

I try to believe that I am enough for I've been through this in my own life.  I know the path ahead.  I know how to get out of the hole.  It may not be as easy for another person right now, but maybe just my familiarity with where they are at is enough to know that I am enough.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 12/23/15 by Don Shetterly

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Surrender Into Healing

I'm learning so much lately working with some clients.  While I can't give away specifics, I can say that learning to surrender into that area which is not letting go, is exactly where I need to be.  I coach my clients through this, but I have to remember to surrender myself.

It is easy for us to go in and hold and hang on to all that we have carried around for so long in our life.  It is not easy to let go.  In fact, it usually feels like we have to continue fighting through what we are facing.  In reality, we need to let go of it.

I can remember some time ago, I was struggling with an issue and the person helping me asked me if "Could I let go".  At first, I was like, of course I can let go.  Then as I sat there thinking - no, I really cannot let go.  What happens if I let go,  What will my life be.  What will happen.  What will replace it.

Our fears about surrendering into our higher good generally look like big giants before us.  Like David and Goliath, the giant was much bigger than everyone thought.  With one little stone, he brought the giant down.  He brought fear down.

Working with other people, when I get into this moment of not being certain how things are going to transform, it is then that I have to surrender.  It is then that I have to allow things to be where they are and be okay with that.

Today, I am all that I can be and I will be content to be all that I can be in this moment.  That is the key and solution.  It sounds so simple, but it is so true.  When we hang on or fight against the currently, we're only exhausting ourselves.

I saw this so vivid today with a client and the minute I shifted my thinking, they shifted completely today.  It was beautiful and it touched my heart deeply with joy.

Let us be okay with all that we are in this moment.  Let us recognize, we are only so much at this moment.  It doesn't mean we can't grown and evolve.  It just means we recognize where we are while we are searching for a forward path.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 12/15/15 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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When We Surrender

As I watch what has become of my life over the past year or two, I see that I've gone from a building up to a depleted state.  In fact, I have had too many people exclaim just how depleted my body was.  I knew that, but I didn't.  I have been a part of it, but yet I was disconnected to it.

Its funny how we go along in our day doing what we feel we need to be doing, but we are so disconnected from reality, that we fail to see it.  To think that I'm generally connected to my body and life and yet, I bought into the corporate greed and stress and constant busy schedules.

Modern day business doesn't take into account how people should take care of themselves.  It doesn't make them any money in the short term day to day operations.  So, therefore, it has a low priority.  I know that and I'm sure most reading this know what I'm saying, but yet we buy into the fact of life that this is all we can be.

Oprah Surrenders And Lets It Go

Oprah's Master Class on OWN
Surrender And Let Go

From Oprah's Master class, I found a YouTube video on one of her beginning experiences in letting go and connecting to source energy.  Talking about how she became part of the cast of the Color Purple movie, is breath taking, especially when she tells it in her own personal way.

I am sure during these moments, it was extremely difficult to keep going and most likely they did not all happen quickly as in telling the story.  In fact, I think she does state that there was considerable time that passed.  She struggled along the way and it was not easy for Oprah to understand what had happened or where she was in her life at that moment.

It was when Oprah decided to let go and release all the anger, bitterness, and frustration to her source energy that things changed.  She saw as a result,

Creativity And Judgment Are Opposites

Recently, I saw a video response on twitter to a question by an artist regarding the art of creativity. The question that was asked about the advice Yanni would have regarding the creation of their own music. Yanni's response can be seen in the following video but it was exactly correct in what I have found in creation of my own music.

The best music, writing, paintings I have done were when I was totally in the zone and not judging what I was doing. In those moments, I was not aware of the process, but just allowing it to come through and surrendering to it.

Judging can come in many forms of thoughts and questions running through your mind. From what key do I play next, to how does this sound, to what word should I write or color should I use to many others. There is a great book on the art of Mindful Creativity written by Ellen J. Langer. When we are critical or judgmental about our creative work, we are in a mindless state, not a mindful state. In those moments of judgment, we are not in the zone.

And judgment can come in very subtle ways that inhibit us from connecting and creative to the flow coming from us. We may often think it shows up through distinct ways but if we observe our thoughts and our questions in those creative moments, we will learn more about ourselves and help our self go deeper into creativity.

It is a frame of mind and the more we practice allowing our self to surrender into this space, the more we can connect to our creativity. It is not always easy to do this with the demands upon our day but creativity also gives us a greater fulfillment in life. So take a moment and listen to the following video response by Yanni because it is very true. Check out the link below to Ellen Langer's book because even though it has an emphasis on painting, it applies to all who want to be more mindful not only in their creativity but in their life.






Further Reading
1) Music by Yanni
2) Book by Yanni - Yanni In Words
3) On Becoming An Artist (Mindful Creativity) by Ellen J. Langer





Blog Post & Images (c) 3/15/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Surrender Into Acceptance

Acceptance of all things in life is not always easy. In fact, for me, it is often difficult. I can easily give lip service that I do accept and allow all things but in reality, it isn't that easy. It sometimes is difficult to match words with actions.

I tend to worry a lot and so badly want to be the one that makes everything happen. It may be a throwback when my life seemed like it was not under my control. In fact, I'm sure my life was controlled by others, not by me for a very long time. So now, I have learned to compensate for this in my life by trying to control many aspects of my day.

The only thing is that I give myself a false illusion that I am really controlling all these parts of my life. it robs me of so much precious energy. It keeps a protective distance to the unfamiliar. It gives me an imbalance that I rarely take note of. it is like the magician doing his magic act where one event occurs while the eyes are being tricked to see something else.

Yet, life has tied to teach me in many ways to accept things. It has shown me that worry gets me nowhere. Even though these lessons have been numerous in my life, I still forget them. They are my teachers that I have long forgotten. Of course, I have made progress in this area but I still desire to control everything about my life. It is a beloved and hated twin that I desire to flee from.

Now, I'm left to wonder how it is that I can change my current mode of worry into acceptance of what is. I know it has to be more than saying to myself that I'm going to do this. I know that acknowledging it is a helpful step but again how do I spot the lion before it is at the moment of attack. These are million dollar questions. Just like in one movie, an actor states that the secret to life is this one thing. Of course for each person, it is different and each person has to figure it out for themselves.

Maybe one step I could take is by giving myself the option of noticing when I am worrying and trying to control everything in my life. That may be a very tall order but in order to change something, one has to recognize it exists. Until there is recognition, one remains in the dark.

Maybe another step I could take is that when I recognize that I am doing this, I could state the word "accept" to my mind's ear. If my ears heard this, hopefully my brain and subconscious mind would listen to it. At a minimum, a different option would be available that could provide a different experience to me.

Just recognizing the fears I feel and the connections to past moments of my life may help allow me to surrender into acceptance. For if I run from these parts of my life, I know that it is as if I'm running in place. My legs may be moving, but I'm not going anywhere.

Asking the angels (or the universe or my higher self) to help and assist in this, may offer significant strength in my endeavor. It may be the catalyst of source energy that will transcend any effort I could put forth.

In the end, surrender is the key. How I get there is my journey. Each part of it may be difficult at times, but it is full of value to my life. To not experience all of this would be robbing my life of so much. For all these things are who I am. They are my teachers. They are my freedom, my awareness and my growth.


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