Coming To Terms With Masculine And Feminine

For a long time, I struggled with who I was.  I knew I was a boy (and now a man), yet I was always emotional or sensitive.  In many ways I hate those words because they often pegged me as being weak. In our society, to be considered a weak man is a death sentence

For a long time, I despised my sensitive side.  Yet, it was nearly impossible for me to hide it or ignore it or run from it.  It was there.  It was who I was, but it was a painful part of my existence.

I remember having my head bashed into a wall of a laundromat by a classmate because what I considered to be normal, he took offense to and he was going to teach me a lesson.

I remember having to sit through and watch horrible TV shows and movies with shooting guns and violence in them, while I cringed and hid deep within.

I remember being beaten if I didn't cry enough, and beaten more if I cried too much.  I remember being beaten when my poor little hands would be cold from the Midwest winters and inadequate mittens.  I was expected be strong and brave and courageous and unafraid.

Being a sensitive man (person, human, etc), I've picked up things at maximum levels that most don't even realize, yet there's often been nowhere to go with that.  There's hardly any men that I can talk to and share it.  I can often share it easier with my female friends, but there is a void there.

Being a gay man who is sensitive is like another whack on your head in our society.  The alpha-male dominant screaming and grandstanding individual is what society holds up as some great leader; the man that will say it like it is and go around shooting someone or knocking them down with one punch.  I see life completely different, and this portrayal that is pushed out every day is sickening at best.

For a long time, like I said, I hated that I was sensitive.  I had just as many feminine traits as I had masculine.  I felt like it was a curse!  Why was I created this way?  This was what I constantly asked myself.

It wasn't until I met a couple of influential people in my life that started to help me see that my sensitive side was a good thing.  It was there to help not only myself but others in life.  When these people would share with me that I had a good balance of masculine to feminine, I started to learn what that meant.  I started to see that in fact, it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Yes, growing up, I got beaten hard for not being a man or "not acting like a big boy", but to this day I don't know if I ever remember my dad showing emotions other than anger and rage.  When I brought this up in a letter, I was chastised and ostracized by my family for it.  If his emotional side was ever there, I did not see it.

It is difficult in this world not only being gay, but also dealing with a sensitive side.  I see so much that hurts me deep to the core while others close their eyes.  I'm gay and I see relationships differently than much of the world sees.  I've felt hatred directed at me for who I am and I can tell you that it is painful.  It angers me when I see people who boast how much they love others and yet, they show hatred in their words, actions, tweets, and likes.

I actually think we need more men that rise up and become who they are, not who society says they are.  What most men were taught would not stand up in court, but yet we propagate it over and over, passing it from one generation to another.  We are so unconscious in our thoughts and behaviors that we don't see the pain we are inflicting upon our children and their children.

If we don't embrace all parts of our self including the mind body, soul, spirit, masculine, feminine, and the love in our hearts, we're going to run our society off the cliff.  We have choices each day in what we do and while perfection is too lofty of a goal, we need to move toward a better awareness in  life that leads us to a greater consciousness.

Don't lose hope if you're a man and you struggle with the issues I've described above, because I will be the first to say, you're okay - you're fine, just the way you are.  You don't have to be someone you are not.  To understand who you are is by far a sign of greater strength than all the macho attitudes on display these days.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Thrown Into the Fire

Sometimes when you're in the middle of something that is difficult, it isn't easy to see any way forward.  It is not easy to understand that it might be the most helpful thing for you.  In fact, sometimes it is just too much too bear, that the last thing you want to think about is how helpful it may be.

In the past several months, I've had extremely difficult moments to deal with in life.  It isn't the first time this has happened and most likely won't be the last.  I was thrown into the fire like no other time I have easily seen.

If you would have told me that what I was going through was good, I would have most likely slapped ya up-side the head.  I would not have believed you.  I would not have listened to you at that moment.

It just kept howling at me...

Yet, as I think back and see all the stuff that was piling on, I'm beginning to see just why it did what it did.  One event would have been an annoyance, but event after event after experience piled on like snow drifting in a snowstorm.  It didn't stop!  It just kept howling at me at every turn.

At one point, I was ready to give up.  In fact, after one experience, I cried so hard that I could barely stop.  The pain hurt deeply.  The wound that was inflicted cut all the way through me.  I took off for the mountains to get away and find a break from it all.

I had felt so abandoned and alone, hurt and abused, and wondering where in the heck my life was going.  The mountains and the trees were my only refuge at that point.  I took off, wondering if I would even want to come back.  I took off, not caring if I really stayed alive another day.  The pain was so great, I could barely handle it.  I was thrown into the fire.

I could barely function...

As the fire raged on in my life, there was one thing after another.  It didn't stop and there were physical issues that showed up from being so exhausted where I could barely function in a day, to having to deal with a horrible rash in one of the worst places it could end up.

It felt like my life was falling apart.  It felt like there was no tomorrow. I could not get a handle on anything.  I could not get a break.  It just kept going, one experience and event after another.  I tried to hang on, but even that was exhausting.

I finally started thinking - OK - life, just have your way.  I can't control this anyway, so you might as well do whatever it is you're going to do.  I started working on surrendering to the horrible part of being thrown into the fire, even though that was far more difficult than it is to write these words.

I had no clue how to proceed...

I tried to focus as I was being thrown into the fire, but that was more difficult than breathing.  My mind was anywhere but on how to proceed.  I had no clue how to proceed or deal with any of this that was happening.

As the days went, I began to piece things together.  I began to see things a little more clearly each day.  No, it was not like everything came into view all at once.  If I sat here and said that I see the whole picture at this moment, I would be lying.  Each day, a little more shows up.  Each day I see just a little more.

The one thing that I notice is my life is changing.  I'm beginning to drop some of the long held anger in my life.  Granted, from being abused and tortured, I have a right to be as angry as I am.  It is hard to let go of that anger.  It is more than just thinking I am letting go or saying the words "I am letting go".  Maybe that works for some, but this is the cellular level of consciousness that I'm working through.

It was burning up the stuff deep inside...

The fire is all the events that were happening.  The one event after another that was consuming me.  While I thought it was consuming me (the person), I realize now that it was burning up so much of this stuff deep within me that I struggled to release and get rid of in my life.

If you burn wet and soft wood in a fireplace, the soot will build up.  If it builds up, the chimney needs to be cleaned.  You can do this a number of ways, but if you light a hot fire or a brief one in the chimney, it goes a long ways to cleaning the soot out.  (This is merely an example, not something you should try at home).

Sometimes in our life, the only way to get rid of the soot in the chimney is to burn it out.  When we are in the fire, it is then that we are attempting to get rid of that which is not helping us.  We may not see it in the moment.  It may feel like an overwhelming experience that you cannot even begin to understand this point I'm writing about.  Hey, that's okay.  I understand because I have walked through these hot stones.

The more I began to find peace...

The more I allowed the stuff that had caused me great pain to be consumed by the fire I was in, the more I began to find peace.  If I tried to hold on to the pain of those moments, I continued to stoke the fire.  No, it was not easy.  It was much more difficult than I'm writing.

I had to be patient with myself and let go of all that stuff that happened.  It was a collection of many experiences and triggers in life from years gone by, showing up as every day moments.  These were traces of things that I had worked on, but by them coming at me all at once, it ignited the fire in the furnace so much, that it ended up consuming them.

Now they are nothing more than ashes in my life that I can sweep out and make room for things that are much better and more beneficial for me.  I'm sure, there are other things that I will find as I go deeper into my own consciousness, but I know that the fire helped me.  It helped me let go of things that I've struggled with every day.

Life isn't perfect, but I can see some of those issues drastically better than they were.  I can feel like I'm more in control of them than I was and that helps boost my peace and self confidence to take on bigger tasks ahead.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Dealing With Painful Moments In life

At Linnville Falls, NC
Painful Moments In Life

The other day, I experienced some moments that trigger me back to a time of pain in my life.  I'd rather not go into specific details in public but it has a lot to do with the trauma I suffered through in my past.  None of it is ever easy and while I have made progress, there are times when these things hit me like a freight train at top speed!

The holiday season are always a tough time for me, so any reminders and connections to the past make things much more difficult.  Yet, that's what happened the other day.  I'm still trying to find center in all of this and to be honest, my mind keeps questioning, why - at this time of the year, is this coming up?

Even though I want to act as if these things don't hurt me or control me or impact me, I would be lying if I stuck to that story.  I like to believe that I am free of these chains that bind me, but yet I know deep down inside just how much I feel them.  They are like daggers that are launched in an all out assault on me, and I'm left to defend my thoughts, my body and my emotions.

Men And Women Cry Differently

According to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal (May 4, 2011, Read It And Weep, Crybabies), women are biologically wired to shed tears more than men.  While I’m sure that some men would love to take this information and use it to prove a point, I find it interesting that there is a physical and biological difference between men and women.
 
The actual cells of the tear glands look differently in women and men.  The tear duct is larger in a man which allows the men to hold more tear production than women.   Since a woman is not able to store as much tears, she is much more biologically inclined to shed tears than a man is.
 
According to the Wall Street Journal (WSJ) article, there is research to suggest that testosterone helps raise the threshold between emotions and act of crying.  Since men have a greater amount of testosterone, it helps put the brakes on to keep a man from crying.

In an article in the NY Daily News, the tears of a women sends a chemical signal as the man gets close enough to sniff them  and the tears of sadness may temporarily lower his testosterone level.  The glands that secrete tears have receptors for sex hormones.  It has been hypothesized that the reason for this chemical signal is a biological way of lowering aggression in men.

In addition, we are taught in society that it is more okay for little girls to cry while we tell boys that big boys don’t cry.  In many societies, it is considered a sign of weakness to cry and people, who cry, especially boys, are picked on as a result.


Further Reading:
1)  When Is Crying Okay?
2)  Newborns And Crying Babies
3)  Biology Of Crying
4)  Stress Relief and Crying



Sources Of Information:
1)  Read It And Weep, Crybabies - Wall Street Journal, May 4, 2011
2)  The Science Behind Your Tears -  HealthyLifect.com, July 19, 2010
3)  Tears Are A Turnoff To Men - NY Daily News.com, Jan 7, 2011


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Blog Post & Images (c) 5/24/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
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Suppress Feelings And Emotions

We all learn to do it! In fact, we’re taught from a baby on, how to suppress our feelings. Whether it is in the parent that tells the baby, oh please don’t cry or worse yet, the child abuser who beats the baby for crying! Of course, there are also the people who give the infants opium or alcohol to get the baby to be quiet.

As we get older, little boys are told phrases such as “big boys don’t cry” and “grow up”. Mommy generally gives the little child attention and affection if they get an ouchy while the father presents the more manly approach to the little boy and acts as if it is no big deal.

Take it one step further and in some cases when a child is spanked, but then told not to cry or they will be given something to cry about. There are numerous ways in which we teach our young how to suppress feelings and emotions.

As get older, we learn that we just have to suck it up in life and move on. There’s no time to feel any emotions. Sometimes in our jobs, we watch as our coworker friends are fired or laid off, only to be told to go on with business as usual. Some vocations require us to turn off the emotions because objectivity is needed.

Throughout our life, we usually run into medical conditions, pains that make it difficult for us to know how to feel. Since we are accustomed to not feeling emotions of pain, we look substances to numb ourselves

Biologically, we are wired to have feelings and emotions as part of our daily life. We are taught to ignore or suppress them but with time, they do catch up with us. You may feel like you can escape them and out run them, but at some point, they will quit knocking on the door and bust it down!

Further Reading:
1) Why Is My Pulse High? (Blog Post 4/1/10)
2) The Emotion Of Triggers (Blog Post 4/25/09


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Blog Post & Images (c) 5/13/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
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Dreading Christmas

As the dreaded day of Christmas approaches, I find myself feeling at times like I want to cry but I'm afraid the crying will never end once it starts. I find myself wanting to avoid any mention of the holiday and staying clear of the stores at all costs.

Some days I feel overly hyper like I can't possibly sit down and stop but then sometimes in the same moment, I feel as if I'm exhausted - then the back and forth of the emotions starts the process all over again. I feel emotional at times, angry at times and hurt at times.

There are moments when I want to see the lights, decorate the house and bake some Christmas cookies. In the same moments, I want to lash out at anyone who dares mention Christmas to my face.

I long for the fantasy world I experienced during Christmas but along with it, the pain of the illusion is extremely difficult. It gets confusing and yet I know I'm making progress. It is fun at times, but it is exhausting and draining.

To all those that celebrate Christmas and have fun during this holiday, my hat is off to you. It is a time where I feel like one of those toys that you smack and it doesn't quite fall over, but it bounces back up. The only difference in this time for me is I feel like I'm constantly smacked and knocked down. My only hope and saving grace through this time is for December 26th to get here or to bury myself in work that keeps me from thinking about all of this.


Blog Post & Images (c) 12/15/10 Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Releasing Accumulated Stuff

I'm one of those people who pick a lot up when I'm around other people. Ever since I was a small child, I was always known as a very sensitive person. I can cry at just about any thing or any event that takes place. For a long time, I took on the label of being a cry baby put there by my father and as I learned as a child, being sensitive was not a good thing. That was until a few years back when I finally discovered, being sensitive is a good thing.

Since that discovery though, I have had to come to terms with being sensitive and not letting it completely rule and ruin my daily life. That's been a challenge for me to understand and while I have heard many people share many different ways to deal with this, most of them usually fell in to woo woo dust and landed on the floor. I can not say that I have completely figured it out but I have learned so many things that help me personally and I believe that this is what each person has to find out for themselves. What may work for one person, may not work for all and while there may be underlying themes to each solution, one must find their own solution.

In the spirit of me sharing what works for me, here are some of those solutions I've found.

1. I take time to be outdoors in the sun, among the trees and the birds feeling the wind against my face as I become one with all of these things in that moment. My focus is on connecting with each of these things seeing the shades and deep colors of the tree, the sky and the clouds while hearing as many individual sounds coming from the birds and the wind that I am able to pick up. As I do these things, I lose track of all that I am currently dragging around with me. It is a moment of refreshing time and a reorientation into what really matters in the day.

2. At times I just sit or stand picturing myself connecting to mother earth and it is as if my feet are growing roots that connect deep into mother earth knowing that no matter what hits me during the day or what I experience, that I am connected and grounded to the source that keeps me planted firmly on my path in life.

3. I have various music and meditations that I use at different times. Some of the music and meditations that I use are (including my own relaxing piano music that I create) :

• Don Shetterly - Relaxing Spa Music (Amazon)
• Don Shetterly - Focusing (Amazon)
• Don Shetterly - Dancing With Life (Amazon)
• Don Shetterly - Meditation Music: Healing Angels (Amazon)
• Doreen Virtue - Chakra Clearing (HayHouse.com)
• Jonathan Goldman - Holy Harmony (Amazon)
• Dik Darnell - Following The Circle (Amazon)
• Hemisync - Chakra Journey with the music of Thunderbolt (Hemisync.com)
• Epic Meditations - Guided Meditations (itunes)

4. Another thing I am using is a program called "Holosync" from the Centerpointe Institute. Holosync not only helps you achieve deep meditation but it also helps to balance the many aspects to your life. I've seen many positive results in my own life and feel it is well worth the money you pay for it. You can order a free demo CD at http://www.centerpointe.com/

5. Sometimes screaming can help me greatly but doing so in a very connected way to my body. Screaming alone may or may not help but when you connect it to your body in that deep awareness state, much can be released. One of the ways I do this is by going to my pool and working the water up in a swirl with my arms while I'm connecting my mind and body together. Than I scream as loud as I can as I'm putting my face in the water so no one basically hears me. And I just let it all out. I've done this in my vehicle as well and if you connect everything together, it will move some energy.

6. Getting body work of any kind done on me especially from those who know how to connect body work with the mind is powerful and very effective. We as a society do not do this enough and if we would, our physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health would greatly improve. While the various types of bodywork are numerous, find one that speaks to you and explore it. A couple that I enjoy are:

• Trager - Gentle, rocking movements that while feel very light to a person, the effects of this work go very deep into the subconscious and are much deeper than any massage can usually reach.
• Unified Therapy - Work created by Dr. Canali of the Evolutionary Healing Institute. It is life changing work and greatly helps to rid the body of stored energy thereby freeing your life up to be all that it can be and bringing about deep awareness to your every day life.

Of course there are so many other ways that one can relax, ground themselves and release accumulated stuff. I have just briefly touched on a few possibilities. If something works for you, please feel free to leave it and a link to more information in the comments.

Whatever you do, don't stop discovering yourself or becoming aware of all that you can be. For the more we know about ourselves the great our life's possibilities can be. The more we release all that we have stored within us, the more free we become which leads to greater health, greater awareness and a deeper peace.