Thursday, September 8, 2016

Thrown Into the Fire

Sometimes when you're in the middle of something that is difficult, it isn't easy to see any way forward.  It is not easy to understand that it might be the most helpful thing for you.  In fact, sometimes it is just too much too bear, that the last thing you want to think about is how helpful it may be.

In the past several months, I've had extremely difficult moments to deal with in life.  It isn't the first time this has happened and most likely won't be the last.  I was thrown into the fire like no other time I have easily seen.

If you would have told me that what I was going through was good, I would have most likely slapped ya up-side the head.  I would not have believed you.  I would not have listened to you at that moment.

It just kept howling at me...

Yet, as I think back and see all the stuff that was piling on, I'm beginning to see just why it did what it did.  One event would have been an annoyance, but event after event after experience piled on like snow drifting in a snowstorm.  It didn't stop!  It just kept howling at me at every turn.

At one point, I was ready to give up.  In fact, after one experience, I cried so hard that I could barely stop.  The pain hurt deeply.  The wound that was inflicted cut all the way through me.  I took off for the mountains to get away and find a break from it all.

I had felt so abandoned and alone, hurt and abused, and wondering where in the heck my life was going.  The mountains and the trees were my only refuge at that point.  I took off, wondering if I would even want to come back.  I took off, not caring if I really stayed alive another day.  The pain was so great, I could barely handle it.  I was thrown into the fire.

I could barely function...

As the fire raged on in my life, there was one thing after another.  It didn't stop and there were physical issues that showed up from being so exhausted where I could barely function in a day, to having to deal with a horrible rash in one of the worst places it could end up.

It felt like my life was falling apart.  It felt like there was no tomorrow. I could not get a handle on anything.  I could not get a break.  It just kept going, one experience and event after another.  I tried to hang on, but even that was exhausting.

I finally started thinking - OK - life, just have your way.  I can't control this anyway, so you might as well do whatever it is you're going to do.  I started working on surrendering to the horrible part of being thrown into the fire, even though that was far more difficult than it is to write these words.

I had no clue how to proceed...

I tried to focus as I was being thrown into the fire, but that was more difficult than breathing.  My mind was anywhere but on how to proceed.  I had no clue how to proceed or deal with any of this that was happening.

As the days went, I began to piece things together.  I began to see things a little more clearly each day.  No, it was not like everything came into view all at once.  If I sat here and said that I see the whole picture at this moment, I would be lying.  Each day, a little more shows up.  Each day I see just a little more.

The one thing that I notice is my life is changing.  I'm beginning to drop some of the long held anger in my life.  Granted, from being abused and tortured, I have a right to be as angry as I am.  It is hard to let go of that anger.  It is more than just thinking I am letting go or saying the words "I am letting go".  Maybe that works for some, but this is the cellular level of consciousness that I'm working through.

It was burning up the stuff deep inside...

The fire is all the events that were happening.  The one event after another that was consuming me.  While I thought it was consuming me (the person), I realize now that it was burning up so much of this stuff deep within me that I struggled to release and get rid of in my life.

If you burn wet and soft wood in a fireplace, the soot will build up.  If it builds up, the chimney needs to be cleaned.  You can do this a number of ways, but if you light a hot fire or a brief one in the chimney, it goes a long ways to cleaning the soot out.  (This is merely an example, not something you should try at home).

Sometimes in our life, the only way to get rid of the soot in the chimney is to burn it out.  When we are in the fire, it is then that we are attempting to get rid of that which is not helping us.  We may not see it in the moment.  It may feel like an overwhelming experience that you cannot even begin to understand this point I'm writing about.  Hey, that's okay.  I understand because I have walked through these hot stones.

The more I began to find peace...

The more I allowed the stuff that had caused me great pain to be consumed by the fire I was in, the more I began to find peace.  If I tried to hold on to the pain of those moments, I continued to stoke the fire.  No, it was not easy.  It was much more difficult than I'm writing.

I had to be patient with myself and let go of all that stuff that happened.  It was a collection of many experiences and triggers in life from years gone by, showing up as every day moments.  These were traces of things that I had worked on, but by them coming at me all at once, it ignited the fire in the furnace so much, that it ended up consuming them.

Now they are nothing more than ashes in my life that I can sweep out and make room for things that are much better and more beneficial for me.  I'm sure, there are other things that I will find as I go deeper into my own consciousness, but I know that the fire helped me.  It helped me let go of things that I've struggled with every day.

Life isn't perfect, but I can see some of those issues drastically better than they were.  I can feel like I'm more in control of them than I was and that helps boost my peace and self confidence to take on bigger tasks ahead.

Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly
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