Buck Up or Man Up!

Written by Don Shetterly

This topic gets under my skin so quickly.  When I hear someone tell me or another person to "BUCK UP or MAN UP" I want to do some things that are not nice thoughts.  How anyone can be this inconsiderate and  not compassionate is beyond my wildest comprehension of humanity.

To say these things to anyone is very harmful and shows you know very little about what someone is going through.  It is degrading and toxic.  It is spitting in their face from what they are going through in their life.

Why people do this, I'll never understand!  It is far from human and just about as mean as one could get.  It is almost like someone is trying to push you over the cliff thinking they are doing something good for you.  With friends like this, who needs enemies!

We don't know how to respect one another...

Yes, I understand that in this day and age, we have no clue what it means to be human.  We don't know how to respect one another.  We don't know how to have compassion and love for one another.

All we seem to know how to do is spout off nonsense and tear each other apart.  We have no concept of what empathy means or compassion.  We just have to force our beliefs and opinions of what we think is helpful on to every person around us.  This is not being human.  It is far from that concept!

Often times we tell others what we should be telling ourselves.  Yet, we're so unconscious that we can't even see what we are doing. What comes out of our mouth is not meant to be toxic poison on another person.  It is meant for us to say to ourselves or reconcile to what is truly helpful.

Two Ears and ONE mouth...

We were given one mouth and two ears.  We should really use them in an appropriate amount but for some reason, we as humans in this world think that we have to talk twice as much as we listen.  This could not be further from the truth.

When someone is going through a difficult moment, it is not up to you to have the answers.  Sometimes just listening to them can be the biggest help.  By listening to them, I mean using your ears more than your mouth.  Sorry, if this sounds harsh, but it is time we had some wake-up calls in this world.

Heaping more stress on someone...

Saying BUCK UP or MAN UP does nothing for anyone.  You just end up heaping a little more stress on a person when you do this.  You should that you're not that compassionate and you really don't care about what they are going through.  You are more interested in telling them what YOU think they should do.

Telling someone to BUCK UP or MAN UP is like hitting them with a car, then backing up and driving over them again.   If you don't think it is as harmful as this, try going through a very difficult ordeal in your life and see what it feels like when someone does this to you.

We've got to learn how to be more compassionate with people.  We are past the point of no return and every day we share and retweet what we do, we're proving that beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Every time we tell others what we think as if it was the truth, we're degrading all of humanity into something that means nothing.

It isn't all the other people out there with the problem.  It is each one of us and how we react, what we share and say to people we know and the world that is the problem.  Let's talk from our heart with love, not scream words our ego dictates to us.  If we change how we communicate and how we see others, we will improve the world many times over.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Love The One You Are With

Written By Don Shetterly

I see so many hurtful comments online, and I hear them in person from people who are married or together within a relationship.  It is almost like they despise being with this person or married to them and it boggles my mind.


Should it not be, love the one you're with?

Growing up in my house, not only did I witness domestic violence but I regularly heard my dad gripe and complain about my mom.  Nothing she did was ever enough.  Being a woman, he was so derogatory against her, and it was things that should have never been said to a child.

Stop complaining about your wife...

I saw someone the other day complaining on social media that he hated his job, but it was better than going home to his wife that he despised.  I was stunned as I read this.  My only thought was "why is he with his wife if he hates her that much."

Men have a long ways to go in this area.  If you can't treat the person you are with in respect, why are you with them?  Maybe you need to do some soul searching because more than likely, it is not only your wife that has issues.

Respect the ones we love...

I've been with my husband for 17 years and only married now for one year.  I would never think of disparaging him in the way I saw my dad do or I see others do.  I love him with all my heart and have from the moment we met.  Our love has only grown deeper with each day.

If we don't respect those we meet or are in a relationship, what does that say about us as an individual?  If we don't show love to them, how can we expect to be loved?  More than likely we don't love or respect ourselves, and that is where it begins.

Just because a father or others show disrespect, it does not mean you have to propagate this forward.  If you're in a relationship where disrespect is at the heart of all you do, you may need to evaluate why you are in that relationship.  Life is too short to go around hating and disrespecting others, especially those that we profess we love.

Come on men - let's strive to do better.  Let's make our words count, not just be ones that are spoken.  Let's own what we say and show by example that we value others in our life.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Repair Anxiety By Men

I'm one of those people that can figure things out.  Everyone sees me doing that.  The thing is, I get so nervous.  I'm so often afraid to try to fix things.  The anxiety levels rise to a maximum degree.  I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but of course I'm a guy so I'm not supposed to acknowledge it.

For me, it is almost like I'm afraid that I will fail.  If I'm afraid that I will fail, the path that I travel on this is that why do this repair?  Why screw it up?  After all, I have to be perfect.  This is what I was taught as a little boy.  If you don't think that conditioning or teaching by example and force doesn't permanently mess with your mind, let me set you straight - it does!

The anxiety though about going into the unknown of a repair and quite possibly messing things up or not being able to complete it is paralyzing.  It truly is.  Maybe that's the procrastination by men when it comes to doing items on the honey-do list.  Okay, I wouldn't say it is the only reason, but since men don't talk about things like this, it very likely could be.

Men And Vulnerability - Good At Pretending

An excellent part from Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly.  This shared passage is on how men experience shame, which is much different from women.  While this is a very small part of the overall section on men and shame, it is a good one.  If this rings a bell for you, I would urge you to get her book and read it.  

Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it.

And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up.

“Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.”   Daring Greatly by Brene Brown (Pg 95 - 96)

Why Won't Men Get Help

Getting help is sometimes very difficult to do.  Asking for help is sometimes something that humans won't do, especially men.  I know this first hand because I was one of those men that wouldn't ask for help or seek it out.  In fact, it took me to the point of a conversion disorder before I finally acknowledged I needed help.  

I still remember when I was getting ready to move away from my therapist and she told me that I had come so far during our time of treatment together.  I was struck though by something she shared with me.  She stated to me, "most people don't go far enough with therapy.  They often come in for a few sessions and quit, just before they really get to the point where they have a breakthrough."

As boys, we are taught to have the answers, and man up or show that we are growing up to be men.  Men feel that they have to be the ones in control, never relying upon anyone for anything.  It is taught throughout our society in the same way we are taught to breathe - automatically.  Unfortunately, when we do struggle and need help, our innate learning prevents us from finding healing for our mind and our body.

Top Book Reviews July 2011

To learn more about what books I review, please go to the following post on Top Book Reviews (May 4, 2011). On the 5th of every month, my goal is to post a review of 1 or more books that
have had a strong impact on my life.

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew (Male Abuse Survivors)

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew is the July book review. Mike Lew has also written a book called "Leaping Upon The Mountains" and I am actually quoted on page 199.

My quote is "It is not your fault. The abuse was nothing you had control of, nor did you have the power to stop it. The responsibility for the abuse belongs to the abuser.



In the early days of my recovery, there were very few resources for males who had been sexually abused as children. I remember reading "The Courage To Heal" and while it was good, it did not really apply to men. Mike Lew's ground breaking book, Victims No Longer, helped me realize for the first time, that I was not alone as a victim. More importantly, it helped me to realize that healing was possible.

Victims No Longer gives that touch that men need in their healing. All too often, men are too afraid to come out about the abuse they suffered because society says, little boys should be in control and things like this should happen. While I'm not saying it is easy for women to come forward, there are different obstacles that men face in bringing out their stories of abuse. This book helps to make that happen and it helps men to know they are not alone. What Ellen Bass did for women, Mike Lew has done for men!

I had the pleasure of interviewing Mike Lew for the Voices Organization newsletter and also meeting him in some workshops. He is a very compassionate and caring individual that really tries to help men find a path to healing. I do not know when this happened for sure but I think Mike Lew was featured on the Oprah Show many years ago.


Further Reading:
1) Mike Lew - Don't Give Up (YouTube Video)
2) Mike Lew Events 2011 to 2012 (blog post 03/22/11)



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Blog Post & Images (c) 7/3/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
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When Is Crying Okay?

In research studies, it has been shown that women cry more than men in western societies but in societies where women have fewer rights, they cry less than women of western societies.  Cultural influences often play a major role in determining who cries and the frequency of which they cry.  Many people are often ashamed of crying and won’t admit to it, especially men.

In a 2004 research study in the UK by the Social Issues Research Centre sponsored by Kleenex, suggests that attitudes toward men crying may be changing.  90 percent of women and 77 percent of men felt that over the past 20 years, it is more acceptable for men to cry and that it is unhealthy not to cry.

It was considered appropriate for men to cry because of a birth, death or if you were physically hurt (41%).  Some felt it was okay to cry during moving moments (26%).  It is important to note that these are the moments that are the most common triggers for men to cry.

However, while women would full on bawl, men were more prone to choke back the tears.  Just as men were taught when they were boys, that big boys don’t cry.  Strong boys don’t cry!  It is amazing to me, just how conditioned we are beginning very early in our life.  It is important to note that both men and women said they were likely to respond more positively to men who cried softly than they were to a man crying uncontrollably.


Further Reading:
1)  Men And Women Cry Differently
2)  Newborns And Crying Babies
3)  Biology Of Crying
4)  Stress Relief and Crying



Sources Of Information:

1)  Read It And Weep, Crybabies - Wall Street Journal, May 4, 2011
2)  The Science Behind Your Tears - HealthyLifeCt.com


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Blog Post & Images (c) 5/24/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
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Men And Women Cry Differently

According to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal (May 4, 2011, Read It And Weep, Crybabies), women are biologically wired to shed tears more than men.  While I’m sure that some men would love to take this information and use it to prove a point, I find it interesting that there is a physical and biological difference between men and women.
 
The actual cells of the tear glands look differently in women and men.  The tear duct is larger in a man which allows the men to hold more tear production than women.   Since a woman is not able to store as much tears, she is much more biologically inclined to shed tears than a man is.
 
According to the Wall Street Journal (WSJ) article, there is research to suggest that testosterone helps raise the threshold between emotions and act of crying.  Since men have a greater amount of testosterone, it helps put the brakes on to keep a man from crying.

In an article in the NY Daily News, the tears of a women sends a chemical signal as the man gets close enough to sniff them  and the tears of sadness may temporarily lower his testosterone level.  The glands that secrete tears have receptors for sex hormones.  It has been hypothesized that the reason for this chemical signal is a biological way of lowering aggression in men.

In addition, we are taught in society that it is more okay for little girls to cry while we tell boys that big boys don’t cry.  In many societies, it is considered a sign of weakness to cry and people, who cry, especially boys, are picked on as a result.


Further Reading:
1)  When Is Crying Okay?
2)  Newborns And Crying Babies
3)  Biology Of Crying
4)  Stress Relief and Crying



Sources Of Information:
1)  Read It And Weep, Crybabies - Wall Street Journal, May 4, 2011
2)  The Science Behind Your Tears -  HealthyLifect.com, July 19, 2010
3)  Tears Are A Turnoff To Men - NY Daily News.com, Jan 7, 2011


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Blog Post & Images (c) 5/24/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
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