I Thought I Was Adopted

Written by Don Shetterly

After reading Jody's last column, it got me thinking.  In the column, she wrote about "how it feels to be adopted."  I love how she shares some of the most personal parts of her life to help others find healing in their own lives.


For a long time, I thought I was adopted.  I truly did.  I had nothing to back it up with, and while every account made it sound like my parents were really my parents, it was hard to believe.  I went through life thinking that I had to be switched at birth or adopted or something.

How else could you explain the horror and torture, trauma and abuse that I went through?  I didn't think there was anyway a normal family would do this to their kid.  I figured I had to have ended up in the wrong family.  Surely then, I was adopted.

Finally in my adult years...

It probably wasn't until well into my adult years that I got to meet some of my cousins.  The physical characteristics were similar in many ways.  Even though I didn't want to accept that this was my family, I began to see that I was NOT adopted.

I know there was a time early on in my life where my mom had to choose between me as an infant and my dad who had hepatitis.  From what I was told, it was very contagious, and for some reason, she chose him over me.  I don't know all the particulars or details and probably never will.  However, I always felt that separation anxiety with my mom, and it never left even until the day she died.

There was another time I was told that when I was very young, something happened and I came to live with my cousins for a time.  I don't remember it.  I don't know the details, but once again I was separated from my mom.

I struggled to be away from my mom...

When I would go to church camp in the summer, I struggled to be away from my mom for a week.  I was always worried that she would be there when it was over.  When I would see her at the end of the week, I'd cry uncontrollably making my dad feel very uncomfortable.

It always felt like I had to be good enough to get chosen or loved by my mom.  My dad was another story.  I don't think he ever really wanted me that badly and my life made his life feel threatened.

Even until this day, I struggle with feeling that people who love me are going to leave me.  They will want nothing to do with me.  They will choose someone else.  I struggled hard with that.  I think this is the part that really resonated with Jody's column post.

I'm glad she wrote the post because it helped me to explore this further.  In my relationships now, I struggle to think that anyone would love me enough to keep me.  I feel like I will at any moment be cast off as not wanted or not needed.  It affects my relationships because people do love me, but I'm so afraid of being abandoned that I hold others at a distance.

More and more I'm coming to terms with what that felt like to be passed over and not chosen.  I know I was too young to put it into words, but it impacts me in a big way.  I do try to keep telling myself that what I went through years ago, was what happened then.  It is not what is going on now.

One day I hope I will understand this more, but without the details of what truly transpired, it is hard to put it into context.  I was NOT adopted, but some days it felt that way, and at times, I wish I could have been born into another family.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Love The One You Are With

Written By Don Shetterly

I see so many hurtful comments online, and I hear them in person from people who are married or together within a relationship.  It is almost like they despise being with this person or married to them and it boggles my mind.


Should it not be, love the one you're with?

Growing up in my house, not only did I witness domestic violence but I regularly heard my dad gripe and complain about my mom.  Nothing she did was ever enough.  Being a woman, he was so derogatory against her, and it was things that should have never been said to a child.

Stop complaining about your wife...

I saw someone the other day complaining on social media that he hated his job, but it was better than going home to his wife that he despised.  I was stunned as I read this.  My only thought was "why is he with his wife if he hates her that much."

Men have a long ways to go in this area.  If you can't treat the person you are with in respect, why are you with them?  Maybe you need to do some soul searching because more than likely, it is not only your wife that has issues.

Respect the ones we love...

I've been with my husband for 17 years and only married now for one year.  I would never think of disparaging him in the way I saw my dad do or I see others do.  I love him with all my heart and have from the moment we met.  Our love has only grown deeper with each day.

If we don't respect those we meet or are in a relationship, what does that say about us as an individual?  If we don't show love to them, how can we expect to be loved?  More than likely we don't love or respect ourselves, and that is where it begins.

Just because a father or others show disrespect, it does not mean you have to propagate this forward.  If you're in a relationship where disrespect is at the heart of all you do, you may need to evaluate why you are in that relationship.  Life is too short to go around hating and disrespecting others, especially those that we profess we love.

Come on men - let's strive to do better.  Let's make our words count, not just be ones that are spoken.  Let's own what we say and show by example that we value others in our life.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Sharing Appreciation With Those You Love

Today's topic is one that I struggle with in a big way.  So, as you read this, just realize that I'm writing it to myself.  If you connect with it, you most likely struggle at sharing appreciation with those you love.

Sharing appreciation is something that should be normal, but it isn't.  At least for me, it doesn't come easy.  I want to be able to do this more, but for some reason, it slips my mind.

Growing up, I didn't get many words of encouragement.  My dad was highly critical.  My siblings were often jealous and so they didn't give any words of encouragement.

Teachers were highly critical...

Teachers were often highly critical of everything I did.  I still remember those book reports in second grade where the teacher belittled me in front of everyone.  I struggled writing them and instead of working to encourage me, she did just the opposite.  In first grade, it was math.  In college it was that I was too shy. 

There were many bosses that were critical of everything I did, but very seldom ever said a nice word that you're doing a great job.  They just figured I knew that I guess.  They were more generous with the negative criticism then praise or appreciation.  The bosses I've worked for who understood how a little appreciation could go a long ways were the ones that got 1000 times more out of me.

Relationships can end up sometimes taking everything for granted.  Its easy to do.  You see each other day in and day out.  You get to the point where you just know what the other person will do and what they are thinking.  It seems that way.  However, taking the other person for granted is really degrading to them and the relationship.

A spark that ignites something new...

We all have had our trials and tribulations, but sometimes when another person shares appreciation with us for something we did, it can be a spark that ignites something new.  It can turn a day from a horrible nightmare to one of hope and possibility.

Sharing appreciation with those you love can be the difference between going to bed after a day gone bad, to one of more restful sleep.  It can be a moment where it helps propel tomorrow to new heights with just one little small act of appreciation.

Simple but powerful...

It does not have to be elaborate.  It does not need to be grandiose and for all the world to see.  It can be very powerful even if a very small thing that hardly is noticed.

Sharing appreciation does not have to stop with only those that we love.  We can extend it to strangers that cross our paths, fellow employees at work, or someone random we interact with in a day.

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We can spread the appreciation and it will multiply around the world.  One little act that we do can have such an enormous impact upon that person, the world they interact with and the world that all those people interact with in a day.

Sharing appreciation can be far reaching, but the act begins when we share it with another.  Until that point, it doesn't exist.  Go ahead, share your appreciation with someone today and see just how it changes their life and how far it ripples out.

Question Of The Day

Did you share appreciation with someone you love and if you did, what did you observe?

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Angry At Your Doctor Or Therapist

I see this time and time again and it breaks my heart.  While I realize there are some medical professionals that probably fail their patients, there are many patients who fail their medical professionals.  I'm not saying everyone is like that, but I've seen many situations where this is true.

Calling your doctor a nut or a stupid or making rude remarks at them is not going to help you or them get to a better situation.  If you hate the doctor or medical professional that much, maybe its time to find someone that you like.  Not all medical professionals match with patients because like anything in life, it is a relationship.  If the relationship doesn't work, the medical professional isn't going to be good for you.

One thing I've seen though is how people want to go into a doctor or therapist and expect them to do all the healing work for the person.  It is like, walk into their office and expect the doctor and therapist to magically make everything better.  If you view medical people in this way, you may want to rethink this approach.

Sometimes we only go part way...

They can only work with you to the extent that you are willing to work with them.  Too many people will only go part way or fail to do what is suggested after they leave the medical office.  It is like, great suggestion doc or therapist, but well, life got busy.  I forgot to do whatever it was you suggested that I do.  Please fix me though.  I may sound harsh to patients but it is sad when you see this.

Yes, I know that sometimes doctors and therapists don't work out either.  This is a discussion you need to have with your medical provider.  Be honest with them and let them be honest with you.  You're not going to get anywhere if you hate them and they are frustrated with you.

I went through Conversion Disorder and while I didn't have the internet to search and see what it was about, I learned that I had to trust my doctor in the beginning.  He wanted me to get better and he was applying his knowledge and training in the best way that he could.  In the very early days, I was not even aware of the actual diagnosis.  My doctor and I were more concerned about helping me get past the physical issues and enter life in the healthiest and most normal way that I could.

I learned to ask the right questions...

Some days it required me to have patience.  It often required that I learned to ask the questions that I needed to ask so that I understood what was going on.  It required me to not think that I knew it all, but open myself up to possibilities that may not be thoughts in my brain at that time.

Sometimes we are so busy fighting the doctor thinking we know it all, but we forget that we are in a physical situation that we cannot control.  This is why we have sought medical help and if we treat the medical professionals with contempt and in a rude way, how will this help us?

I feel for doctors and therapists because I have had the same thing happen to me in massage work.  I've had clients look at me like I was crazier than a looney nutcase!  Yet, I knew from experience that what I was trying to accomplish would work.  It would help.  If the patient fights you at every turn, there is only so much you can do.

Give up all that you know...

I have said this many times but in order to heal, you often have to give up all that you think you know and find out what it is that you don't know.  When we face physical situations, there is something that is missing and we can either fight against finding out what that is, or we can open our minds up to all possibilities.

The choice is for each person to make.  Some patients will gladly pursue the unknown possibilities and others will not.  At the end of the day, you can only hope that you have a qualified medical professional helping you and that your desire to want to get better is more than words.

This also requires the medical professionals to know when they are not making progress and either find a new course or bring in someone that maybe can help.  It requires medical professionals to step outside of their own paradigms because some effective form of healing may be just around the corner.

Find the right doctor or therapist for you...

At the end of the day, we all have to work together.  We need to form a good relationship between the patient and medical provider.  If that does not exist, then it is time to move on and find the right relationship that will help you heal.  It may also mean, changing your approach to the medical professional and surrendering to their assistance to follow their advice.

I don't write any of this out of malice because I know when you're in the middle of horrific, painful, and life-altering situations, there is no easy moment.  There is no moment that makes this clear.  I'm just asking you, the reader, to look at things differently.  See beyond what you see and know and feel to be true.  That's where you will find the answers!

You may want to check out a blog post I wrote last year on Challenge Your Healing Paradigm.

(click image to read)

Question Of The Day

Are you allowing yourself to see all possibilities in your own healing?  Leave a comment below to share your take on all of this or what you have learned.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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