Some days it is difficult for me to not feel responsible for the things others do. It is as if whatever they do or how they respond to me, that I in some way caused that. I'm not referring to a conceited view but one that I'm always afraid of doing the wrong thing.
Self confidence is very difficult for me. I wish I could take injections to boost my daily level. often i feel scared deep down inside of me, almost to the point where my stomach is shaking inside. It just doesn't come easy for me.
I always feel like I'm failing someone. it is like I'm not good enough or I don't measure up enough. While their expectations may be normal for me, I still strive to earn their trust, respect and approval. They may be already giving these things to me but through my filtered glasses of life, I am unable to see and appreciate it.
It is easy for me to not beat myself up at this point. For I could easily give myself a sentence of flogging for not being good enough. As people have told me in life many times, I am much harder on myself than they would ever be with me. Yet, I don't feel as if I am perfect enough. I feel full of holes and mistakes.
While it didn't help that my father only found faults within me a majority of the time, I was and am a driven person. Nothing is never quite good enough for me and I seldom accept the minimum. In many ways, I'm still caught in the trauma cycle of needing acceptance, love and respect while not realizing I am already getting it. I wish that it was as easy to do for me as it is to write about it. However, I know these two worlds are vast light years apart.
How do I acknowledge this part of my life and continue to move past it?
First, identifying this just as I have done gives me a view point into a part of my life. It is an opening into my conscious awareness.
Second, I need to remember the miles I have already traveled in life. I have come a long ways and need to give myself credit for this. To act as if I've gotten very little progress is really doing a disservice to myself. In many ways, I need to give myself a break.
Third, each day if I remind myself that these things I keep listening to are nothing but old tapes playing in my mind. They are experiences of trauma that need to be loved and accepted so they can be nurtured and released. I need to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect even though I was brainwashed to believe I had to be as perfect as Jesus was.
Fourth, I need to acknowledge and open my eyes that others don't see me as harshly as I see myself. Putting a balance in these things would be much more spiritual than what I currently do. Realizing that by wearing my filtered glasses in life, I'm holding myself back from the connections that are all around me. There is so much more than what I allow myself to be a part of.
What if I just allowed myself to e in a balanced connection to the parts that are not as easy for me? What if I just allowed myself to go there? What would that feel like? What would that look like in my life?
Of course, it is up to me what I choose to do and how I choose to do it. No one else can take these steps for me. If I am to continue moving forward, I need to allow all of these things into my consciousness with loving acceptance. Only then will I be able to release them. Only then will I be able to fill my soul with all that I need and desire for my life.
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Note: Above picture taken as I'm feeding the Budgie Parakeets at Gatorland (Florida)