One of the things I believe happens to people who have been traumatized is wanting to remain in control, long after the events are past. It makes sense in my mind because if control is taken away from you in abuse or other traumatic incidents, then it is the thing that your mind and body attempt to reconcile.
Often we get lost in this during recovery because things just don't fit together. We strive for a series of events that fit and many times, these events have not surfaced. It becomes like putting a puzzle together, and the pieces don't fit until you get enough in place to see the puzzle more clearly.
What our rational brain now sees compared to what was happening during the event does not mesh together. It is like two separate things attempting to operate at the same time, and it just doesn't work.
I struggle to let go of things. I struggle to let go of control in life. When this happens, I increase the anxiety and stress in my life. Yet, even though the best thing for me to do may be letting go, I cling to it as if it is my existence. I cling to it because it feels familiar.
Unfortunately the more we try to control everything in life, the more difficult we make it. Sometimes controlling everything is the worst thing we can do, but when you attempt to tell that to a traumatized brain, it laughs in your face as if you know nothing.
These days, there are many ways that most of us don't let go. You can see it online in social media where someone just has to get that last word or that insult in. You see in political discussions that no matter what side you are on, someone is not going to let up until they convince you that their ideas are right.
When couples argue, you can see this first hand. Neither party often wants to give up and let go, for they are right and the other is wrong. It is so prevalent throughout relationships, and in friends and people we meet every day.
Often times it shows up as "I'm Right, You're Wrong, " but that just brings more harm, strife, stress, and anxiety to the world. You may prove your point, but you lose all that matters to yourself, your relationships. and your humanity in this world.
It is not easy to let go. While it may be easy to say or create happy thoughts about letting go, most humans struggle with this. Even if you're the most enlightened of individuals, this is not easy to do. We tend to continually hold on to things that we don't need to hold on to in our lives.
Sometimes on social media, I find myself struggling to just walk away from the insults and arguments. I've had people mock me for being on Oprah, when if they would understand that the show was about male survivors, most likely they would not have been mocking me.
In those times I want to put them in their place, but then I would become just like them. My mom always told me to not lower myself to their standards, but keep my head held high. In essence, she was telling me to "just let it go."
I know it isn't easy to let things go. I struggle with it too, but don't give up that process. We create a lot of our stress and a lot of anxiety in our lives and the more we can learn to let go, the better off we will be. It is a continual process of learning and awareness, not just something you write as a happy thought.
Learn from the process, and let the process of learning to let go be your guide to greater awareness and possibility for your future. That's what I'm striving to do!
Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly
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