Recovery From A Conversion Disorder, 3

This is part 3 of 3 parts on Recovery From A Conversion Disorder. In order to understand this blog post, please read part 1, posted on 7/11/11 and part 2, posted on 7/12/11

Fortunately, after a few weeks of not being able to take care of myself and traveling back and forth to doctors and tests, a neurologist put me in the hospital. Up until that point, the medical professionals just kept sending me home. More tests were run in the hospital but the neurologist finally began to ask me the hard questions about my past. It was at that point, where a psychologist was brought in and I began to take my first step again.

Many more days and weeks would pass by before life started to get back some resemblance of normal. I would suffer difficult moments both physically and in dealing with my traumatic past. There were times where the physical and mental anguish became too difficult and I attempted to end my life. Somehow through all of this and the support of some close friends, I made it out alive!

To those going through a Conversion Disorder or working with someone that is suffering through it, there is hope . I won’t promise it will be easy but I went from near death to fully functional in my current life. Yes there are still brief moments that I can see affects from this condition but they no longer pull me under.

Dealing with the trauma of the past and the fears associated with them as a result, my life has changed. I have found very few people in my life that truly understand how to treat someone with a Conversion Disorder or know enough about fear to help bring resolution. This isn’t something where you just change your mind and your thoughts. It requires much deeper healing and for one to go in and release those traumatic moments held within the tissues, muscles and cells of the body.

I know there is hope. I know there is possibility. Just don’t give up! Fight with all your might, strength and any ounce of strength you can find within your body.

Please see the links below for further reading and information.


Further Reading:
1) Part 2 - Recovery From A Conversion Disorder (7/12/11)
2) Part 3 - Recovery From A Conversion Disorder (7/13/11)
3) Book - Hope And Possibility Through Trauma by Don Shetterly
4) Conversion Disorder By The Mayo Clinic on CNN Health (2/10/11)



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Blog Post & Images (c) 7/10/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
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Recovery From A Conversion Disorder, 2

This is part 2 of 3 parts on Recovery From A Conversion Disorder. In order to understand this blog post, please read part 1, posted on 7/11/11.

Unless you have been through a Conversion Disorder, most people do not understand that to initiate movements in my body was almost hopeless. My brain could command my body to move and yet, it was like the muscles could not hear. It did not matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted to move, my body would just not initiate the movement.

Fortunately, I had some healing people that worked with me who would help initiate the movements. Once the movements were initiated, it was much easier for me to take over. The fear that I was experiencing and reliving as a result of a traumatic past was locking my muscles in place as if a split had been place upon them.

It was difficult for me to know what was going on and in 1991, very few medical professionals knew much about Conversion Disorders. I was passed from doctor to doctor, test to test and misdiagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Some type of steroid type drug was given to me which caused a very horrible reaction where I went into seizure like moments. I was rushed to the hospital at one point in an ambulance because I was unresponsive.

My early days of this ordeal were filled with a lack of energy to the point where I could barely keep myself awake for more than a couple of hours. Pain in my body would come and go, I had no desire to eat or do anything in my life. The fleeting moments of desire for anything vanished into thin air. Breathing was difficult and not something I really wanted.

For the continuation and conclusion of this series, come back on 7/13/11 for part 3. Please see the links below for further reading and information.


Further Reading:
1) Part 2 - Recovery From A Conversion Disorder (7/12/11)
2) Part 3 - Recovery From A Conversion Disorder (7/13/11)
3) Book - Hope And Possibility Through Trauma by Don Shetterly
4) Conversion Disorder By The Mayo Clinic on CNN Health (2/10/11)



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog Post & Images (c) 7/10/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
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Recovery From A Conversion Disorder, 1

As you can read in my book, "Hope And Possibility Through Trauma" or in some of the other blog posts mentioned on this site, I suffered from a Conversion Disorder (Hysterical Paralysis) in 1991. For me, it was a turning point in life, although it was a very rough one. At the time, I did not know if I would ever recover from this.

Today, you would not be able to tell I once was paralyzed with a memory that did not work, speech that was slow to non existent, feeling and sensation throughout my body that was lost, and movements that were difficult at best. It was some very dark days in my life filled with fear, uncertainty and despair unlike any other I had ever experienced.

I still remember thinking at the age of 26 as I looked at the ceiling of my hospital room, was this all I could expect in life? Was this everything that my life would be until I died? Will I ever recover and be normal again?

For me, life did almost shut down completely and as doctors explained later, my brain was in the final points of shutdown. Life as I knew it was becoming a dark blur of existence and even finding the strength to go another minute in life was difficult. It is my hope that by sharing these things on the blog, that others will know there is hope and healing.

In the following blog posts (Part 2 and Part 3), I will be sharing a few things that I remember from my experiences with the Conversion Disorder. Please see the links below for further reading and information.


Further Reading:
1) Part 2 - Recovery From A Conversion Disorder (7/12/11)
2) Part 3 - Recovery From A Conversion Disorder (7/13/11)
3) Book - Hope And Possibility Through Trauma by Don Shetterly
4) Conversion Disorder By The Mayo Clinic on CNN Health (2/10/11)



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Blog Post & Images (c) 7/10/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
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End Of The Oprah Era

It is hard to believe that 25 years have passed with the Oprah Show. I still remember back to that day last fall where I was at the 200 Male Survivor show in the audience. It is a highlight of life and a memory that I will never forget.

In fact, in Oprah's finale on May 25, 2011, she once again highlighted the 200 Men show as one of her most significant moments. It was not hard to locate myself just a few feet behind her. It brought back some wonderful memories of tears. So, here's my farewell message to Oprah or at least until we see her again.

I watched the final show today and you almost made me do the ugly cry. I was one of those 200 men and that event has really turned life upside down for me. I’m not complaining because I know I’m growing through some very difficult moments in life and last October when we taped the show, it was the start of an emotional upheaval for me. I’ll take it... I know it is helping me find my purpose and calling. I always thought life had been a challenge for me up until this point with all I had been through from the abuse to the paralysis and many other things, but since this show it seems like life has thrown things at me one right after another with great speed.

Yet, I’m comforted by many of the words you spoke today. They have given me more resolve to keep going in the midst of difficult and trying times. In the end, I know I will get where I need to be. Right now, I cannot fully see it because my world is filled with moments of confusion and frustration. But I know I’ll get there – after all when I was paralyzed, I knew I would walk again. I had to believe that because it is the only thing that got me up out of that hospital bed!

I stand in awe of the teaching and inspiration you have given to so many throughout the 25 years but I am hopeful of how that will translate exponentially to so many others and impact the world in ways that no one can even begin to imagine. May the legacy not be of what people learned from you but how they went out and gave that to the world (and I’m talking to myself as well).

Thank you Oprah for just being you and sharing your life with your platform.


Further Reading:
1) Oprah - Male Survivors Of Child Sexual Abuse (10/28/10)
2) Oprah, Tyler Perry, 200 Male Survivors Stand Together (11/5/10)
3) Oprah, 200 Men - Part 2 (11/11/10)
4) Conversion (Somatoform) Disorder (11/9/11)
5) Daytona Beach News Journal Interview (11/5/10)



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Blog Post & Images (c) 5/24/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
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Deep Dark Black Space Of Implicit Memory

There I was - lying on the table - shrouded in complete fear. I could barely feel my left arm and what I could feel was pain that was so intense, I wanted to run and hide and flee. I wanted to crawl under the table, hide in the corner, not do anything that would connect me to the pain I was feeling.

The fears were intense. The questions were strong. Could I do this? Do I really want to do this? This is too hard! All these things were attacking me as if I had come up against an army 100 million times my army of one!

Yet, I had been here before. I had been through these moments in my healing. I knew the process. I was familiar with the feelings, the thoughts, the fears and emotions. Still, my mind seemed like a blank slate. It seemed like all that I knew was not within my grasp. It seemed that reality and pain and being disconnected from my body had all played Russian Roulette, and so the outcome seemed to be impossible to predict.

The more I wanted to flee the pain and hide, the more I felt so alone and lost. My arm at first would barely move, and felt as if the muscles were going to tear apart inside. My body felt as if it was being smashed head first into a wall like a cop frisking a suspect. As the moments wore on, the stiffness invaded my entire body. My body failed to move. It was as if the cells could not turn the ignition on to start their engines. The fears were great. The fears increased. It felt like time had stopped.

Nothing felt safe in that moment. Having someone close to me did not seem to matter. I felt so alone and lost out in space. I felt so engulfed into this deep dark black space that had once again introduced itself to me. While I wanted to flee and run, the stiffness in my body, the pain that ran from my shoulder, led to feeling like I was being stabbed in the neck. It paralyzed me in fear. It seemed like I was getting the crap pounded out of me. It seemed like I had no choice. It seemed like I was destined to live with this.

Yet, I knew I was entering that dark tunnel with the immense darkness of space and time. It was a horrifying and lonely deep black space within me. It was one that I was afraid that if I traveled into, would I be able to find my way back out?

The emotions of sadness intensified, and the tears of feeling all alone and hopeless, void of possibility, swirled around me like a hurricane coming on shore. Emotions of every shape, flavor and color attacked me by a hundred fold as if there was no other moment. The moment of their advance on me, it seemed was now. Thoughts continued to arise, can I do this? Do I want to do this? Can I not go back to where I came from? Can this just be a bad nightmare that will end very soon?

Of course, I knew the answers to these and I knew the struggle. I knew the fight. There was peace beyond this that I had been shown before, but that peace seemed like an impossible dream. Being reminded that I had tools and that this was part of the process was reassuring but the fears laughed in their faces.

And one final last push of going deep into the pain, brought me front and center with the deep dark place I had traveled into. It brought me to a point where I knew I had the strength, the tools and the support to get through this moment. For to stop and turn around now, would only feed the fears and increase the black space. To go head first and take the fears and black space on, I would find something greater than I knew. That one final last push of going deep into the fear and into that which I so badly wanted to escape, gave me the peace I so longed for.

So one last final push into the deepness that engulfed me, while holding on to the fact that there was a way through this - the pain intensified, the fears increased, the sadness overwhelmed me. I stayed connected with my body and kept my eyes on the goal and all at once, my breathing came back to me, the stiffness in my muscles left me, and the pain escaped. My body transformed through all these things into moments of deep peace and insight, showing me all that I could do and had the power to do.

It wasn't magic. It wasn't about the emotions that came up. It was about me connecting to that deep place within myself. It was about connecting with the deep dark black space called implicit memory. The implicit memory has no story, but it holds all the emotions of a lifetime. Its weapon is fear and its strength is feeding from the pain it inflicts upon the body. The only defense is to take it on and say, enough is enough - you're no longer going to rule my life. I have your number! I am in control. I have the power to do this and to continue taking back my life.

I'm once again reminded of just how much power and strength we have within us. We are much more than we often believe, and give ourself credit for. Yet, when the fear looks like a giant before us, we run for cover. In the end, we will soon realize that the giant is filled with nothing more than hot air, and if you poke a needle into it, the giant of fear will deflate.

This is the essence of healing. It is the moment of reclaiming the body. It is about becoming more aware of one's self and finding the insight that we need. Within the body is held vast amounts of information and even though we may feel disconnected to it or afraid of it, looking within is the way to give ourselves life, freedom and hope.

May I remember this each day, for the next time I come up against Implicit Memory disguised as the deep dark black space in my body.


*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog