Child Abuse Survivors Are Not Alone

Written By Don Shetterly

Far too many times we think we're all alone out in the world.  We believe there is no one else that has suffered through situations like we have.  We see our experiences as isolating us from others, when in fact, many have also walked in similar shoes on the road of life.

When I was first starting to deal with the memories of child sexual abuse, I thought I was alone.  I didn't think anyone understood.  I didn't know there was anyone else that had gone through these things.  Boy, was I so wrong!

In the early days, there were not the online resources that exist today.  There was not a team of therapists and support people that you could reach out to for help.  The internet was beginning to come alive, but resources were few and far between.  I remember going to one of the first support forums for male survivors.

The thing that this place helped the most was letting us all share our experiences and how we were struggling and dealing with them.  When you started to read the things other members wrote, you began to see that you weren't alone.  It was like a shot of a Hallelujah Chorus singing for all the heavens to hear.  It was that powerful.

When you go through abuse, even if the innermost parts of you can determine it is harmful and wrong, there's a part that says, "this is what is normal in life."  When you are a child experiencing these horrendous acts, it blurs the line between what is normal and what is not.  You carry that through into your adult years as if it is a conflicting truth which you have built your life upon.

Knowing that others have gone through experiences I had and that the trauma and abuse were anything but normal, helps significantly in reconciling your life with truth.  It is in that vulnerability that we come to know more of what the truth is.

One of the hardest things for survivors of abuse is feeling like they are alone and no one understands.  I'm grateful that there is a network of support out there for child abuse survivors.  The tricky part comes in getting those to see that they are not alone and others will be there supporting them as they begin their healing journey.

I can almost guarantee you that if you feel you're alone in what you are going through, there are others out there that understand this.  When you meet that individual, you will find a sense of strength and determination in healing from the horrors of your past.  It may not make the path easy, but at least you do not have to do this alone.

 Some great resources

1. Male Survivor
2. Surviving My Past
3. Mind Body Thoughts Blog (this blog)

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Self Care Changes With Our Journey

(Written by Survive - Thrive - Conquer, Matt)

Self Care Changes With Our Journey

As human beings, we are creatures of habit. We do things on a daily or routine basis because "that's what we've always" done. I know I've said that very phrase countless times in my life whenever someone questions me, or I question myself as to why I do something.

Why do we go to the same grocery store, by the same brands of food, or stop at the same gas station? Because at one time we tried something and since the experience was positive and gratifying in some way, we just stuck with it. Over time, even with a myriad of other options, we often default back to what works for us. We are familiar with it, and we know the result of engaging in that behavior generally yields a positive result.

For example, there are two convenience stores within a block of each other, or right across the street from each other, how often do you find yourself gravitating towards one more than the other? I know for me, there are two gas stations that are on the way home from work, but I almost always stop at one instead of the other, regardless of which direction I'm headed.

Why?  Habit, Familiarity, Just Because...?

We also might be forming habits in our healing journey, in particularly with self-care. We continue to do what works for us because it's worked in the past, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it would also behoove us to keep an open mind to new experiences that might also be beneficial.

For me, self-care has always involved several Go-To options:

• Listening to Music
• Playing my bass.
• Going for a walk.
• Catching up on shows that I've recorded and allowing myself to be carried away in the story.
• Reading my Kindle.

Those things usually always work, or if one doesn't work as well as expected, I can try another and often find some emotional peace and relaxation. After all, self-care is about doing things that we enjoy, things that make us feel good, or take us away from the reality of what's troubling our minds for awhile.

But, self-care can evolve too, if we let it. As we age, our likes and dislikes can change. What we did as teenagers, we probably don't do anymore, or at least not as often or as rigorously. What happens though, since we are creatures of habit, we sometimes ignore new opportunities or brush them aside in favor of what works for us.

Case in point, I had a bit of an epiphany not long ago. Each year I go to a music festival not too far from where I live. It's always a very good time, two days of reliving the glory days and singing along to iconic anthems from a cherished time of my life. That festival has been a rock solid form of self-care for me up until this year.

On the drive home, I was pondering this and wondering to myself, "what is happening to me"? Am I just getting too old for this or is there something more profound happening in my healing journey or just my life in general?

It caused me a good deal of stress for awhile, not so much from the "getting old" thought but more from the, "why doesn't this work for me anymore like it used too" perspective.  As it turns out, after much debate in my head and talking to a couple of close friends, I concluded that my self-care routine is simply evolving.

Maybe I don't need to go to this every year anymore. Perhaps every other year would be fine, or maybe just going down for 1 of the days instead of both would do the trick. Only time will tell, but the point is, that it's okay to be open to change in self-care. Just because something always worked before, doesn't mean that we can't ever deviate or find something different, should that time ever arise.

Back to this whole creature of habit topic that we started with - do you find yourself doing the same self-care just because it's always worked or because it's become a habit?  Have you begun to feel twinges that maybe something isn't working quite the way it used too?

If you have, I encourage you to sit with that feeling, explore it, and understand that there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing to fear, and you aren't suddenly going backward in your healing. It just simply means that your needs are changing as you grow throughout this journey.

What's done the trick and been your go-to method of self-care might just be evolving into something new and exciting, or maybe just slightly different. Either way, what matters is that we do what's best for us and be open to whatever that change may be.

Rock Your Survivor Journey!

 - Matt (SurvivingMyPast.net)

Read all of Matt's Columnist Posts

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Matt

Blogger
Podcaster, Author
Advocate

Visit Matt At:

Website:  SurvivingMyPast.net
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Make sure you check out Matt's Free E-book, Surviving Grief 

Check out his Weekly Podcasts every Sunday.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Matt

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Memories Of Glory Days And Trauma

(by Survive, Thrive And Conquer, Matt)

If there is one point that has been driven home to me time after time, since I started my recovery journey as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it's this...

Everything goes back to when we were abused, it's all tied together and intertwined in our adult lives. To add to that point, trauma is cumulative. It continues to build on top of the original event(s).

The depression, the flashbacks, frustration about how our life turned out... anything that brings up feelings of distress can often be traced back to our trauma, any type of trauma. No matter how far removed we are in time or space, the memories are still present and can be triggered back to the forefront of our minds in a hot second.

Let's look at this in a different way.  A comparison of what it feels like to remember trauma vs. what it feels like to remember good times in our lives. Are they really connected in some way?

 

Actually yes, they can be.

Remembering the good times in our life, our Glory Days if you will... and then feeling sad, frustrated, and angry at why they had to end.

My glory days were when I was in high school. Specifically, my junior and senior year. I was able to turn my life around, and take my life back from the bullies, my abuser, my mother,  and live the life I was born to live. I was doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I had cool friends, a fun job, a great little beater car, and awesome music to listen to.

Maybe for you, reliving your glory days means recalling your college years, or a time when you did a lot of traveling. Perhaps when you first met your spouse, became a parent, or found your calling in life. Whatever time you can look back on and feel like, "Damn, I was having a great time and nobody was bringing me down." Take a minute and recall those memories now.

Before we go any further, make sure that those memories are held in a safe place in your heart. Nobody should ever be able to take them away or be able to taint them in any way. They are yours and yours alone to fondly remember anytime you want.

 

Once you've done that... read on.

Now, if we think back to the feelings we had in our minds during the time of our abuse; what do those feelings look like for you?  Be kind to yourself here, friends...

For me that feels like: being scared and feeling all alone. It's a feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, and confusion. Helplessness, no self-esteem, and no ability to think for myself.

Now...how do you feel remembering when your glory days started to come to an end?  Are there similarities?

• Confused? Why did they have to end...what did I do or not do to cause this change?

• Alone? You had everybody and everything, so to speak, and very few worries. Now all of the sudden you are all by yourself again and all of the worries of everyday life are coming back.

• Empty? Everything that you lived for and did, that made you feel so good is now gone and you're left with only the memories.

• Questioning your ability to make good decisions? Questioning yourself as an adult overall?

Just by those two examples alone, the way it felt when the good times ended and the way it felt during the times that we experienced abuse at the hands of someone who violated us, it affirms that as we continue to work on one part of our trauma, we also help heal many other aspects of our lives as well.

A greater understanding of ourselves helps us to feel at ease, and know that we are doing the right thing in putting in all the work needed to heal.


-Matt (SurvivingMyPast.net)

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Matt is a regular columnist on Mind Body Thoughts.  He writes Survive, Thrive and Conquer monthly column.  This article is written by Matt.

To learn more about him and see all his other articles, go to Matt's Page, Survive, Thrive And Conquer.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Matt

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Leaning On Each Other For Support

My tomato plants are at it again.  They are teaching me lessons, showing what happens in the plant world.  As I observe it, I recognize how it helps us in the human world.

For many of us who have gone through trying and difficult experiences of trauma or child abuse, it can be a daunting journey through healing.  Learning how to reach out is a big part of healing, but when you've been so hurt by the ones that you should be able to look to for support and sustenance, that isn't easy.

Leaning on each other for support is vital, just as my tomato plants showed me quite vividly.  I had put them outside and while the weather was a bit on the chilly side, they did have the warmth of the sun to help.  They are still just 60 day old seedlings that will be planted in the Earthbox soon, so they are a little vulnerable to every day life.

This morning when I put them outside, they looked fine, but a couple of hours later, I went to check on them and noticed they were all scrunched up, hardly wanting to stand up straight like normal.  Their leaves were curled under.

Many were leaning on each other...

Here's the big kicker though that I observed.  As I brought them inside to give them water, I noticed that many of the plants were leaning on each other for support.  Their leaves and branches were intertwined with one another as if to hold each other up.  Some of them were on the outside and laying over because they had nothing to support them.

Many though had found the support of one another to help give them stability and strength to stay standing.  Within moments of giving them water because they were thirsty, I observed them starting to stand straight up on their own.  Their leaves uncurled and stretched out.  It was like they had come back to their normal strong self once again.

They were able to rise again...

It was amazing to see that the tomato plants were leaving on each other for support.  Yet, when they did that and I gave them some water, they were able to rise again.  I think they demonstrated a very valuable lesson.

When we are going through tough times in life, we can try to do it on our own.  Sometimes though, it really helps us when we're falling, to have someone else to hang on to in that moment.  It is at that moment where the strength of another person can hold us just long enough for us to regain our strength.

Healing isn't easy, especially in the early days of coming to terms with what happened in life.  It can be a longer process than we hope for, but by leaning on each other for support, it helps us find our own strength.  Sometimes, we need to lean on each other.  That's the way we help find healing in our own life and I believe that is one of the reasons we as humans have one another.

Let us not only look for the support of others, but be there for those that need that moment when things are difficult beyond measure.  We're all in this world together and together we will make it through the most trying of times and difficult experiences.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Triggered At The Movies

(by Survive, Thrive And Conquer, Matt)

As invalidating and frustrating as being triggered is, I also find it a bit fascinating to explore why these memories happen and what circumstances can cause them to pop back up.

My blog normally involves topics surrounding being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and narcissistic abuse, but I also explore relationships the struggles that survivors often have. After all, being a survivor and simply a member of the human race means that we are involved in all types of relationships.

Triggers can hit at virtually any time, especially early on in recovery and also as we continue on and explore more of our past.  One of those places that can be particularly troublesome is watching a movie or TV show.

One such recent event struck me out of the blue, and although looking back I might have seen it coming, but as always, it’s important not to shame ourselves for what we could have or should have done. Those shoulds and coulds are dangerous waters for survivors.

Anyway, I’ve been triggered before while watching TV or at the theater, and while it’s always a bit of a predictable experience, I have learned to sit with the feelings, not stuff them, and validate myself what I feel. It will usually pass in a relatively short period of time.

This recent experience last a bit longer than recent past triggering events, but the deeper part of this event was that I triggered feelings of past relationships. Specifically, a marriage that ended about 3 ½ years ago,.  While it’s been awhile, I admit, it’s still fresh in mind more often than I care to admit.

This was a situation that I shared with a trusted friend when I felt those familiar feelings of guilt, sadness, and wondering what will become of me in the future relationship department.

Sitting in the theater with my popcorn and diet coke, nothing really took hold in my mind until near the end of the flick. As the final climatic scenes unfolded, the flashbacks of what once was also began unfolding.

This was the same type of movie that I would have watched with my wife; the kind of movie that she would have had to convince me to go see. I would have come up with every excuse not to go, in fun of course, knowing full well I was going to see it anyway. It was a game of sorts, a tradition that became part of who we were.

It was something we would laugh about and became part of who we were as a couple. Those types of memories aren’t easily forgotten.

As the movie ended, I felt overwhelmed with emotions as I quickly exited the theater. Part of me wanted to stay, while the other part of me wanted vacate that place at the speed of light.  Making it to the car, I sat there in the quiet darkness reflecting of how things would have been if she were there with me.

She would be crying at the end, halfheartedly trying to hide the tears, while I sat there trying to act like it was no big deal. I’d look over and give her that predictable look and say:

“You aren’t crying, are you?”

“No”, she would say as she began to smile and laugh.

“What did you think?” she says…

“It sucked” I replied.

“I knew you would like it” she would say.

Of course, I usually did like it, but I always played along because it was our thing.

I couldn’t sit here and tell you that I wasn’t affected even if I wanted too. I’m not ashamed one bit to admit it.  I miss those times, and even though they are long gone, I still fondly remember things just like that.

This particular trigger will likely pop up again in a similar situation. It reminds me of a time when things seemed good, normal, and safe. Even though the marriage ultimately ended, it’s one of the many good memories that I will cherish. They aren’t tainted because of the ultimate outcome, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to think that they should be.

Movies and TV can affect us as survivors, not only in relationships, but also causing memories of past abuse, invalidation, fear, and loneliness. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for, it’s part of who we are. Stuffing them aside won’t solve anything, and will only cause them to hit us harder the next time they resurface.

No matter what you get triggered by, know that it’s okay and that there’s nothing wrong with you. It doesn’t mean that you are taking a step back in your healing journey, nor does it mean that you’ll never feel peaceful and fully whole again.

The ebb and flow of life as a survivor of abuse, a survivor of a relationship that didn’t turn out, or anything else, is part of what shapes until the person we are becoming, post trauma.

No matter what friend, you’ll make it through that next trigger whether it’s the result of a movie, or any other situations. Sit with it, validate the feelings, learn from it, and use it to help yourself and others in the future.

If you would like to join Matt on his Twitter weekly chat, just watch for his announcement around 10:30am on Sunday mornings.  @SurvivingMyPast

-Matt (SurvivingMyPast.net)



 

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Matt is a regular columnist on Mind Body Thoughts.  He writes Survive, Thrive and Conquer monthly column.  This article is written by Matt.

To learn more about him and see all his other articles, go to Matt's Page, Survive, Thrive And Conquer.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Matt

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Advice From Hurricane Survivors

With the storm that hit the Northeast part of the country, I noticed an article on CNN.com that appeared to be very helpful.  In this article, Hurricane Katrina and Joplin Tornado survivors shared some of the experiences they went through and advice they had for others in the aftermath of storm destruction. 

There is no easy way through these ordeals, but with the help of everyone in our nation, we will recover.  I have never personally had to deal with the destruction of a storm, but I have lived through many hurricanes and saw first hand the destruction and how lives were impacted.

In this article, Katrina, Joplin survivors offer advice to Sandy victims, there is some real word advice and help.  I know that when you are experiencing moments that seem like your whole world has fallen apart, it can help to know you are not alone.  It sometimes helps to learn from those that have already walked through the fires that you are currently walking through.

Suicide Of A Child Abuse Survivor

I saw this posted on gizmodo.com and while I don't really know much about Bill Zeller, this is a tragic story. Of course, I have no way to confirm all the facts other than what I can read online by those who seemed to know him.

Many of the things he wrote about make perfect sense to me because I experienced some of the same attitudes that he did and still do to this day. Parts of his story really connect to parts of my story. While I find it sad that he chose to take his own life and not deal with the darkness he suffered through, I can fully understand. I've walked in those same shoes as many others have.

People try to get me to understand all the time how great Church and Fundamentalist Christians are. I do know some that are wonderful people and live their life in a way that displays what they know and believe. However, there are many horrible people taking refuge in churches while those around them could not even identify these same people. We tend to keep our eyes closed to that which we do not want to see. For those friends of mine who practice what they preach, my hat is off to you. For those that are the scourge of our society who hide in the refuge of the church, may you be exposed for who you are and may those around you wake up!

This is a difficult piece to read but I truly feel that until everyone in this world understands what survivors of child abuse go through, these words need to be told. If you have experienced the darkness that Bill Zeller, myself and many others have, please know you are not alone. You no longer need to suffer in silence. Many of us are out there and there is help, there is hope and there is healing - even if it seems like life is at the end. Please reach out to someone that you trust and ask for help. Here is what Bill Zeller left behind.

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Reprinted from http://documents.from.bz/note.txt

Note Written and Left Behind By Bill Zeller

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I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions, but I assume I'll never be able to convince anyone that this was the right decision. Maybe it's true that anyone who does this is insane by definition, but I can at least explain my reasoning. I considered not writing any of this because of how personal it is, but I like tying up loose ends and don't want people to wonder why I did this. Since I've never spoken to anyone about what happened to me, people would likely
draw the wrong conclusions.

My first memories as a child are of being raped, repeatedly. This has affected every aspect of my life. This darkness, which is the only way I can describe it, has followed me like a fog, but at times intensified and overwhelmed me, usually triggered by a distinct situation. In kindergarten I couldn't use the bathroom and would stand petrified whenever I needed to, which started a trend of awkward and unexplained social behavior. The damage that was done to my body still prevents me from using the bathroom normally, but now it's less of a physical impediment than a daily reminder of what was done to me.

This darkness followed me as I grew up. I remember spending hours playing with legos, having my world consist of me and a box of cold, plastic blocks. Just waiting for everything to end. It's the same thing I do now, but instead of legos it's surfing the web or reading or listening to a baseball game. Most of my life has been spent feeling dead inside, waiting for my body to catch up.

At times growing up I would feel inconsolable rage, but I never connected this to what happened until puberty. I was able to keep the darkness at bay for a few hours at a time by doing things that required intense concentration, but it would always come back. Programming appealed to me for this reason. I was never particularly fond of computers or mathematically inclined, but the temporary peace it would provide was like a drug. But the darkness always returned and built up something like a tolerance, because programming has become less and less of a refuge.

The darkness is with me nearly every time I wake up. I feel like a grime is covering me. I feel like I'm trapped in a contaminated body that no amount of washing will clean. Whenever I think about what happened I feel manic and itchy and can't concentrate on anything else. It manifests itself in hours of eating or staying up for days at a time or sleeping for sixteen hours straight or week long programming binges or constantly going to the gym. I'm exhausted from feeling like this every hour of every day.

Three to four nights a week I have nightmares about what happened. It makes me avoid sleep and constantly tired, because sleeping with what feels like hours of nightmares is not restful. I wake up sweaty and furious. I'm reminded every morning of what was done to me and the
control it has over my life.

I've never been able to stop thinking about what happened to me and this hampered my social interactions. I would be angry and lost in thought and then be interrupted by someone saying "Hi" or making small talk, unable to understand why I seemed cold and distant.

I walked around, viewing the outside world from a distant portal behind my eyes, unable to perform normal human niceties. I wondered what it would be like to take to other people without what happened constantly on my mind, and I wondered if other people had similar experiences that they were better able to mask.

Alcohol was also something that let me escape the darkness. It would always find me later, though, and it was always angry that I managed to escape and it made me pay. Many of the irresponsible things I did were the result of the darkness. Obviously I'm responsible for every decision and action, including this one, but there are reasons why things happen the way they do.

Alcohol and other drugs provided a way to ignore the realities of my situation. It was easy to spend the night drinking and forget that I had no future to look forward to. I never liked what alcohol did to me, but it was better than facing my existence honestly. I haven't touched alcohol or any other drug in over seven months (and no drugs or alcohol will be involved when I do this) and this has forced me to evaluate my life in an honest and clear way. There's no future here. The darkness will always be with me.

I used to think if I solved some problem or achieved some goal, maybe he would leave. It was comforting to identify tangible issues as the source of my problems instead of something that I'll never be able to change. I thought that if I got into to a good college, or a good grad school, or lost weight, or went to the gym nearly every day for a year, or created programs that millions of people used, or spent a summer or California or New York or published papers that I was proud of, then maybe I would feel some peace and not be constantly haunted and unhappy. But nothing I did made a dent in how depressed I was on a daily basis and nothing was in any way fulfilling. I'm not sure why I ever thought that would change anything.

I didn't realize how deep a hold he had on me and my life until my first relationship. I stupidly assumed that no matter how the darkness affected me personally, my romantic relationships would somehow be separated and protected. Growing up I viewed my future relationships as a possible escape from this thing that haunts me every day, but I began to realize how entangled it was with every aspect of my life and how it is never going to release me. Instead of being an escape, relationships and romantic contact with other people only intensified everything about him that I couldn't stand. I will never be able to have a relationship in which he is not the focus, affecting every aspect of my romantic interactions.

Relationships always started out fine and I'd be able to ignore him for a few weeks. But as we got closer emotionally the darkness would return and every night it'd be me, her and the darkness in a black and gruesome threesome. He would surround me and penetrate me and the more we did the more intense it became. It made me hate being touched, because as long as we were separated I could view her like an outsider viewing something good and kind and untainted. Once we touched, the darkness would envelope her too and take her over and the evil inside me would surround her. I always felt like I was infecting anyone I was with.

Relationships didn't work. No one I dated was the right match, and I thought that maybe if I found the right person it would overwhelm him. Part of me knew that finding the right person wouldn't help, so I became interested in girls who obviously had no interest in me. For a while I thought I was gay. I convinced myself that it wasn't the darkness at all, but rather my orientation, because this would give me control over why things didn't feel "right".

The fact that the darkness affected sexual matters most intensely made this idea make some sense and I convinced myself of this for a number of years, starting in college after my first relationship ended. I told people I was gay (at Trinity, not at Princeton), even though I wasn't attracted to men and kept finding myself interested in girls. Because if being gay wasn't the answer, then what was? People thought I was avoiding my orientation, but I was actually avoiding the truth, which is that while I'm straight, I will never be content with anyone. I know now that the darkness will never leave.

Last spring I met someone who was unlike anyone else I'd ever met. Someone who showed me just how well two people could get along and how much I could care about another human being. Someone I know I could be with and love for the rest of my life, if I weren't so fucked up. Amazingly, she liked me. She liked the shell of the man the darkness had left behind. But it didn't matter because I couldn't be alone with her. It was never just the two of us, it was always the three of us: her, me and the darkness. The closer we got, the more intensely I'd feel the darkness, like some evil mirror of my emotions. All the closeness we had and I loved was complemented by agony that I couldn't stand, from him. I realized that I would never be able to give her, or anyone, all of me or only me. She could never have me without the darkness and evil inside me. I could never have just her, without the darkness being a part of all of our interactions.

I will never be able to be at peace or content or in a healthy relationship. I realized the futility of the romantic part of my life. If I had never met her, I would have realized this as soon as I met someone else who I meshed similarly well with. It's likely that things wouldn't have worked out with her and we would have broken up (with our relationship ending, like the majority of relationships do) even if I didn't have this problem, since we only dated for a short time. But I will face exactly the same problems with the darkness with anyone else. Despite my hopes, love and compatibility is not enough. Nothing is enough. There's no way I can fix this or even push the darkness down far enough to make a relationship or any type of intimacy feasible.

So I watched as things fell apart between us. I had put an explicit time limit on our relationship, since I knew it couldn't last because of the darkness and didn't want to hold her back, and this caused a variety of problems. She was put in an unnatural situation that she never should have been a part of. It must have been very hard for her, not knowing what was actually going on with me, but this is not something I've ever been able to talk about with anyone. Losing her was very hard for me as well. Not because of her (I got over our relationship relatively quickly), but because of the realization that I would never have another relationship and because it signified the last true, exclusive personal connection I could ever have.

This wasn't apparent to other people, because I could never talk about the real reasons for my sadness. I was very sad in the summer and fall, but it was not because of her, it was because I will never escape the darkness with anyone. She was so loving and kind to me and gave me everything I could have asked for under the circumstances. I'll never forget how much happiness she brought me in those briefs moments when I could ignore the darkness. I had originally planned to kill myself last winter but never got around to it. (Parts of this letter were written over a year ago, other parts days before doing this.) It was wrong of me to involve myself in her life if this were a possibility and I should have just left her alone, even though we only dated for a few months and things ended a long time ago. She's just one more person in a long list of people I've hurt.

I could spend pages talking about the other relationships I've had that were ruined because of my problems and my confusion related to the darkness. I've hurt so many great people because of who I am and my inability to experience what needs to be experienced. All I can say is that I tried to be honest with people about what I thought was true.

I've spent my life hurting people. Today will be the last time.

I've told different people a lot of things, but I've never told anyone about what happened to me, ever, for obvious reasons. It took me a while to realize that no matter how close you are to someone or how much they claim to love you, people simply cannot keep secrets. I learned this a few years ago when I thought I was gay and told people. The more harmful the secret, the juicier the gossip and the more likely you are to be betrayed. People don't care about their word or what they've promised, they just do whatever the fuck they want and justify it later. It feels incredibly lonely to realize you can never share something with someone and have it be between just the two of you. I don't blame anyone in particular, I guess it's just how people are. Even if I felt like this is something I could have shared, I have no interest in being part of a friendship or relationship where the other person views me as the damaged and contaminated person that I am. So even if I were able to trust someone, I probably would not have told them about what happened to me. At this point I simply don't care who knows.

I feel an evil inside me. An evil that makes me want to end life. I need to stop this. I need to make sure I don't kill someone, which is not something that can be easily undone. I don't know if this is related to what happened to me or something different. I recognize the irony of killing myself to prevent myself from killing someone else, but this decision should indicate what I'm capable of.

So I've realized I will never escape the darkness or misery associated with it and I have a responsibility to stop myself from physically harming others.

I'm just a broken, miserable shell of a human being. Being molested has defined me as a person and shaped me as a human being and it has made me the monster I am and there's nothing I can do to escape it. I don't know any other existence. I don't know what life feels like where I'm apart from any of this. I actively despise the person I am. I just feel fundamentally broken, almost non-human. I feel like an animal that woke up one day in a human body, trying to make sense of a foreign world, living among creatures it doesn't understand and can't connect with.

I have accepted that the darkness will never allow me to be in a relationship. I will never go to sleep with someone in my arms, feeling the comfort of their hands around me. I will never know what uncontaminated intimacy is like. I will never have an exclusive bond with someone, someone who can be the recipient of all the love I have to give. I will never have children, and I wanted to be a father so badly. I think I would have made a good dad. And even if I had fought through the darkness and married and had children all while being unable to feel intimacy, I could have never done that if suicide were a possibility. I did try to minimize pain, although I know that this decision will hurt many of you. If this hurts you, I hope that you can at least forget about me quickly.

There's no point in identifying who molested me, so I'm just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.

You may wonder why I didn't just talk to a professional about this. I've seen a number of doctors since I was a teenager to talk about other issues and I'm positive that another doctor would not have helped. I was never given one piece of actionable advice, ever. More than a few spent a large part of the session reading their notes to remember who I was. And I have no interest in talking about being raped as a child, both because I know it wouldn't help and because I have no confidence it would remain secret. I know the legal and practical limits of doctor/patient confidentiality, growing up in a house where we'd hear stories about the various mental illnesses of famous people, stories that were passed down through generations. All it takes is one doctor who thinks my story is interesting enough to share or a doctor who thinks it's her right or responsibility to contact the authorities and have me identify the molester (justifying her decision by telling herself that someone else might be in danger). All it takes is a single doctor who violates my trust, just like the "friends" who I told I was gay did, and everything would be made public and I'd be forced to live in a world where people would know how fucked up I am. And yes, I realize this indicates that I have severe trust issues, but they're based on a large number of experiences with people who have shown a profound disrespect for their word and the privacy of others.

People say suicide is selfish. I think it's selfish to ask people to continue living painful and miserable lives, just so you possibly won't feel sad for a week or two. Suicide may be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it's also a permanent solution to a ~23 year-old problem that grows more intense and overwhelming every day.

Some people are just dealt bad hands in this life. I know many people have it worse than I do, and maybe I'm just not a strong person, but I really did try to deal with this. I've tried to deal with this every day for the last 23 years and I just can't fucking take it anymore.

I often wonder what life must be like for other people. People who can feel the love from others and give it back unadulterated, people who can experience sex as an intimate and joyous experience, people who can experience the colors and happenings of this world without constant
misery. I wonder who I'd be if things had been different or if I were a stronger person. It sounds pretty great.

I'm prepared for death. I'm prepared for the pain and I am ready to no longer exist. Thanks to the strictness of New Jersey gun laws this will probably be much more painful than it needs to be, but what can you do. My only fear at this point is messing something up and surviving.

---

I'd also like to address my family, if you can call them that. I despise everything they stand for and I truly hate them, in a non-emotional, dispassionate and what I believe is a healthy way. The world will be a better place when they're dead--one with less hatred and intolerance.

If you're unfamiliar with the situation, my parents are fundamentalist Christians who kicked me out of their house and cut me off financially when I was 19 because I refused to attend seven hours of church a week.

They live in a black and white reality they've constructed for themselves. They partition the world into good and evil and survive by hating everything they fear or misunderstand and calling it love. They don't understand that good and decent people exist all around us, "saved" or not, and that evil and cruel people occupy a large percentage of their church. They take advantage of people looking for hope by teaching them to practice the same hatred they practice.

A random example:

"I am personally convinced that if a Muslim truly believes and obeys the Koran, he will be a terrorist." - George Zeller, August 24, 2010.

If you choose to follow a religion where, for example, devout Catholics who are trying to be good people are all going to Hell but child molesters go to Heaven (as long as they were "saved" at some point), that's your choice, but it's fucked up. Maybe a God who operates by those rules does exist. If so, fuck Him.

Their church was always more important than the members of their family and they happily sacrificed whatever necessary in order to satisfy their contrived beliefs about who they should be.

I grew up in a house where love was proxied through a God I could never believe in. A house where the love of music with any sort of a beat was literally beaten out of me. A house full of hatred and intolerance, run by two people who were experts at appearing kind and warm when others were around. Parents who tell an eight year old that his grandmother is going to Hell because she's Catholic. Parents who claim not to be racist but then talk about the horrors of miscegenation. I could list hundreds of other examples, but it's tiring.

Since being kicked out, I've interacted with them in relatively normal ways. I talk to them on the phone like nothing happened. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I like pretending I have a family. Maybe I like having people I can talk to about what's been going on in my life. Whatever the reason, it's not real and it feels like a sham. I should have never allowed this reconnection to happen.

I wrote the above a while ago, and I do feel like that much of the time. At other times, though, I feel less hateful. I know my parents honestly believe the crap they believe in. I know that my mom, at least, loved me very much and tried her best. One reason I put this off for so long is because I know how much pain it will cause her. She has been sad since she found out I wasn't "saved", since she believes I'm going to Hell, which is not a sadness for which I am responsible. That was never going to change, and presumably she believes the state of my physical body is much less important than the state of my soul. Still, I cannot intellectually justify this decision, knowing how much it will hurt her. Maybe my ability to take my own life, knowing how much pain it will cause, shows that I am a monster who doesn't deserve to live. All I know is that I can't deal with this pain any longer and I'm am truly sorry I couldn't wait until my family and everyone I knew died so this could be done without hurting anyone. For years I've wished that I'd be hit by a bus or die while saving a baby from drowning so my death might be more acceptable, but I was never so lucky.

---

To those of you who have shown me love, thank you for putting up with all my shittiness and moodiness and arbitrariness. I was never the person I wanted to be. Maybe without the darkness I would have been a better person, maybe not. I did try to be a good person, but I realize I never got very far.

I'm sorry for the pain this causes. I really do wish I had another option. I hope this letter explains why I needed to do this. If you can't understand this decision, I hope you can at least forgive me.

Bill Zeller

---

Please save this letter and repost it if gets deleted. I don't want people to wonder why I did this. I disseminated it more widely than I might have otherwise because I'm worried that my family might try to restrict access to it. I don't mind if this letter is made public. In fact, I'd prefer it be made public to people being unable to read it and drawing their own conclusions.

Feel free to republish this letter, but only if it is reproduced in its entirety.

---

End Of Bill Zeller's Letter

---

For Further Information:
Gizmodo.com - The Agonizing Last Words Of Programmer Bill Zeller
Metatalk.Metafilter.com - RIP Bill Zeller
Bill Zeller - Suicide Note
Bill Zeller - Website


Male Survivor Resources
Hope And Possibility Through Trauma
Oprah - Male Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Part 1
Oprah - Male Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Part 2
Oprah, Tyler Perry and 200 Male Survivors Stand Together
Daily Affirmations For Male Survivors
Resources For Survivors
Male Survivor.Org


Whatever you do, if you are a survivor, please get help! Yes, it is not easy to take that step but it is worth it. There is hope!

Retraumatization

Some times people don't really stop and use common sense about healing. They do things that may feel like euphoria in the moment but really do not do much. Often times, what we view as healing is fueled by anger, resentment and bitterness. While all of these things can be a big spark of ignition to get us moving through our pains of the past, if we're not careful we will walk down a long and winding road to nowhere, only to have to turn and walk all the way back.

There are so many healers out there sporting so many different ways to heal. In all reality, the percentage of what truly heals from these things is probably so small that it is often missed. Yes, I know that each one of the healing modalities and concepts has proof of why they are so effective. Unfortunately that does not always mean much other than someone believing it is healing.

Often I see survivors of child abuse focus on doing things that they feel are healing yet in the long run, it is nothing more than re-traumatizing. Of course in that moment, you cannot convince them otherwise. Stories of abuse are told time and time again without very little movement forward, the lure of going on TV shows becomes the moment of saving grace in their life and spending more time in counseling than trying to live life becomes the norm. Please don't get me wrong as some of these things are very helpful. It is however, when they become a crutch or an illusion that they become re-traumatizing.

Please do not think for a second that all healing is healing. It is not and I can name numerous accounts of this that I have been through and that I have witnessed in others. You really need to be careful because some "healing" can be very hurtful and really throw you off the path you need to be walking. I am sorry if anyone thinks I am being too harsh on this topic but this is reality.

We all have common sense and if we listen to our bodies, our minds and our hearts, we will find the way forward. To give our power up to a TV show, or healer or to some conference or organization does not mean we are healing. True healing is when we go within and we go to the source of the pain. We find the answers within ourselves because no one can give them to us. Other people can offer a flashlight for us to see more clearly but if the answer is not coming from within, question it with all your might. Just because someone else claims to have healed themselves from pains of the past does not mean they have all the answers as well.

I have recently heard about a TV show in New York that is looking for child abuse survivors to confront their abusers on TV. When you go to this TV show website, you will quickly see that it is a Jerry Springer type show with a lot of anger, yelling, screaming and fighting. While it may make someone feel good to go yell, scream, and fight with their abuser, what will that prove? I'm afraid, it will not prove very much except connecting with the anger, bitterness and resentment held in your own pain body. Anyone is free to disagree with me but healing does not come from growing your anger, bitterness and resentment. It comes from moving past those and a show like this does not appear to offer much in that way.

Consider this for a moment about a TV show as I described above. If the survivor's abuser comes on the show and says, "oh I'm so sorry for what I did and I can understand how angry you are but hopefully you will be able to forgive me one day" and then leaves it at that, do you think the show will really want to promote this display? It will have no emotion, no kick or wow factor and they won't get many people continuing to tune in to see the show. It will not hold anyone's attention.

In order to make the show successful, they need viewers because that is what brings in the advertisement dollars. What this show wants to see is people fighting, screaming and getting angry with one another. Now if you think that is a healing thing by all means do it but more than likely you will come away from it feeling victimized once again.

In the end, the details of your story and memory are essential to help you begin the healing process. As time goes, the details of the story hold less importance because you begin to realize that memory is not always linear. Our minds don't necessarily remember events that happen in a step by step fashion. Sometimes one part of a memory is mixed within another part of our memory. It is truly hard to trust all of these parts and that is why the emotions that arise and the body connections we physically feel are a more accurate way of healing through the trauma from the inside out. For what we experience in our body is the part that holds the potential energy to transform our lives and our healing.

The stories of our abuse and learning to release the anger and pain are vital parts of healing. However, we need to be careful in the ways that we do this so that it becomes a positive step forward and not a re-victimization of past painful events in our life. We all have our common sense and we all have a built in sense of what is helpful and what is not. When we attempt to look through things in an objective way or ask others to help us do this, than we will be giving ourselves something very powerful and life changing.



Blog Post & Images (c) 1/5/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Interview With Fear

Something I once wrote for the Voices organization that was published in their newsletter, The Chorus. Voices is no longer in existence but at the time it was a valuable organization for survivors of child abuse. It is a cute writing but is packed with a lot of great insight.




INTERVIEW WITH FEAR
(c) 1998 by Don Shetterly

Reporter's note: It was very difficult to catch up with Fear. Every time we almost got Fear to say yes to an interview, he would disappear on us and it would take us weeks to catch up with him again. So, while we have him sitting in the room, we have taken measures to protect him.

REPORTER
Good afternoon Fear. It is nice to finally get a chance to talk with you.

FEAR
Uh, well I guess but you know, I can't stay too long….

REPORTER
We wont take very much of your time. Are you feeling much more relaxed now than you were earlier?

FEAR
A little bit. It is just hard for me to relax and talk to you. If I get to know someone a little than it is no problem but this is really scary.

REPORTER
You are doing fine Fear and if you need to take a break at any time, just let me know. I notice you have a teddy bear with you. Can you explain the significance of this?

FEAR
Well many people may see it as a childish thing and not something for someone that's in their 30's. And really I don't take it every where I go because someone may laugh at me. It's more of a private thing. Since I never was allowed to be a child when I was younger, I am now trying to give myself a chance to be a kid and let the child part of myself grow and mature. The teddy bear is one way of doing this. Plus, it also makes me feel safe and secure. Whenever I need comfort, I just reach for my teddy bear and hold it close to myself.

REPORTER
Now, if I am being to rough with this question, please let me know. As we have been trying to catch up with you, you have become very good at disappearing on us. Why is that?

FEAR
Man, you really go to the heart of the interview, don't you! I mean, I really wasn't trying to disappear, I just had things to do!

REPORTER
But, you never would return our calls after you agreed to do the interview.

FEAR
Well uh, I was, uh,,,, okay, you got me! I just don't like being asked questions and being put on the spot. It makes me nervous to talk to other people and I know that what I say is going to make someone mad at me. I mean some people just don't like to hear things that I say and if they get mad, guess who they will take it out on. There is no reason for me to put myself in that situation.

REPORTER
Is that why you requested the protection around here today and the seclusion?

FEAR
Yes, I really don't want to leave here and get the crap pounded out of me!

REPORTER
I think you are safe here. How do you show up when you get around people?

FEAR
There are many things that people do. Like being very quiet, sitting off in a corner, being all alone, scared to leave their house, shy, withdrawn. Sometimes they will get very loud and boisterous to kind of protect themselves. I have seen some people go around trying to pick fights with other people and yelling at others just to protect themselves from me. Even fathers will sometimes yell at their kids for no reason but to protect themselves.

REPORTER
So poor little innocent kids take the brunt of you with their fathers?

FEAR
Yeah, I am not proud of that and I wish people wouldn't do this. I mean it is one thing to protect yourself but taking me out on other people, I just can't stand by and let this go on.

REPORTER
But isn't a father justified in getting upset with his children? I mean that is part of normal discipline, isn't it?

FEAR
What you're talking about is different than what I am talking about. Getting upset at your children for something they have truly done wrong or disciplining them with love is not the same as dragging me into the picture. When people drag me into the picture, they are usually insecure about themselves and feel they are inadequate. The only way for them to hide this is to put me out in front of them.

REPORTER
You also mentioned being withdrawn and alone, being shy and not wanting to leave the house. Can you explain these more?

FEAR
Well I can sometimes overwhelm people so much that they will just not be themselves. They use me to keep themselves in a very safe and secure place but they also keep themselves very lonely. Most of the time these same people have so much to offer but they use me to keep from dealing with reality.

REPORTER
So are you saying that you are bad for people to have around?

FEAR
Yes and No! Having me in your life can guard you against awful things that may happen to you and protect you from potential hurt inflicted by others. I can also have a positive impact on your life because I can help you to take risks in life in a calculated way. Some people will just go out and take unnecessary risks but I help them think through these things.

REPORTER
Okay, so what is so bad about you being around?

FEAR
Well some people try and just use me to deal with life. They get very jealous of me and make me work many overtime hours. It really is draining on me and in the end it doesn't do these people much good. These people will blame me for everything in life while hiding that they even know me. It's like they become so dependent upon me that you can't tell them apart from me.

REPORTER
Some say that you and Anger work together as a team. Is this true?

FEAR
NO! I am by myself and I don't work with anyone else. I think what they are referring to is when they try and keep me around all for themselves. Then, when I am not enough to protect them, they start looking for Anger to help them out. I do not make any calls to Anger for them and I don't even suggest they talk to Anger. They just do it because they think I am not enough for them.

REPORTER
So by someone having you around, do you inadvertently push them to Anger?

FEAR
NO! First of all, Anger just like myself is good when we are used in moderation. When people use us out of desperation, than we get the bad rap for it. I don't push them to Anger nor do I push them to Happiness. Actually I like to have these people around because than I can feel useful.

REPORTER
What advice would you give to people who want to know you better?

FEAR
Use me in moderation. Remember, I am by myself and there is only so much of me to go around. Don't try to hide behind me! Try to own up to the times that you need me. Most of all don't use me as an excuse to be mean to others, especially innocent little children.

REPORTER
I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with us today and I am sure many people will learn a lot from this interview.

FEAR
Well, I hope so. I just hope they don't get mad at me for what I have said and come after me!