My Issues And Your Issues

Written By Don Shetterly

As I get older, I am beginning to see things differently in life.  I guess that's part of the maturing process because what once seemed to be important has shifted.  I see things differently.  I understand things differently than I once did.


Through these changes, I'm seeing that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, good and bad.  We've got moments where we triumph in our life, and we shine with all our strengths, abilities and talents.  However, we've got the other side.

There are the issues we struggle with and the weaknesses we harbor within ourselves.  Sometimes these flaws and shortcomings are on display for the whole world to see.  At other times, we hide them from anyone outside of where they exist.

I've learned that I can be vulnerable with people close to me and it is okay.  Being vulnerable is not easy for me, and I really thank Brene Brown for what she has taught on this subject.  Sometimes I just don't want anyone to think I'm what I think I am inside, even though my view may be distorted.

In many ways, I think we are all like that to some degree with some more so than other people.  There are some that completely distort how the world and those close them see their lives.

I was good at hiding things...

In fact, at one time before I went through paralysis and Conversion Disorder, everyone around me thought I had the world together and I was happy all the time.  I was good at hiding things back then.

I remember my mom going to work and she could be as sick as one could be, but no one would see it.  I learned so much from her how to hide my true self from the world.  Yet, at the same time, it meant I kept myself from interacting with the world and possibility and joy.

One thing I have noticed is that we tend to see ourselves in a more perfect light when we try to impress everyone around us.  We don't want everyone to see our flaws.  We hide it and distort it and paint the picture of what we want them to see.  Sometimes there are moments where this may be needed.

Yet, deep inside we sometimes feel fragile and damaged and not having much skill, talent, or good to our lives.  Even when others see how much we offer, we sometimes cannot see this in ourselves, and so we hold the "frail" image of ourselves as the measurement of all that exists in life.

We insulate ourselves...

If we go too far with hiding ourselves from the world and not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we tend to go around lashing out at others.  We join the bandwagon with the rest of the folks tearing others down, hurling hateful insults against one another and highlighting their issues.  It is the way we hide from ourselves because if we put the spotlight on others, we insulate our true self.

Social media gives us a high speed interstate to point out the issues of others and focus on the distorted view we see within ourselves.  It is one of the negatives of social media that sometimes really frustrates me.  Of course, it is our choice how we interact with it personally, but I hope that we can move in the direction where we use it for positive change, not hate and insults and unconsciousness.

All of us have our issues.  We were born with them, and we picked some of them up along the way through our families, schools, communities, and circle of people we know.  It is okay to have issues, but hopefully, we learn from them while recognizing that instead of pointing out the issues of everyone else, we can do much more by working on our own.

I keep challenging myself to be more and learn more about my life.  I don't want those days pre-Conversion Disorder when I showed that everything was fine to the world and I was in a hundred kinds of pain.

Being real and authentic and working to improve our lives each day - that's the ticket to becoming more and learning from our issues.

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Hiding Things From Our Mind

To know yourself is the greatest gift you can receive.  Yet, all too often, many of us do not really get to know ourselves.  If you crawl into the back corners of your mind and dig into the closets of your life, sometimes there are things that are ugly and scary.

If you look at it like many in my family do, you would say that sometimes we all have skeletons in our closets.  You might also go looking at it like some in my family, that sometimes it is best to leave things untouched.

In many ways, we use our mind to discover new things about ourselves, but we also use it to hide so much from our consciousness.  We don't truly know that which we hide from ourselves because we spend too much time running and hiding and numbing from it.  Its easy to just ignore it and go on in life singing lullabies to the world.

Are You Hiding From Stress?

Stress takes on many shapes and sizes for many different people.  What may appear to be stress to someone, may just be another part of life.  What may seem as nothing, may be more stressful to the individual than is often realized. 

In humans and in our world we often negate the effects of stress.  We numb ourselves to it and we so efficiently hide from it, that we barely know it exists.  As humans, we are very adept at treating stress as something that is around us, but it doesn’t affect us one bit.

At one time in my life, I had everyone believing that I handled all stress in my day as I put on the “happy face”.  No one realized the daily torment I went through in my own life.  No one realized just how stressed out I was.  No one realized just how on the verge of collapse I was right before the Conversion Disorder hit in full swing.

Too many I know and see often present themselves to the world as having no stress or having everything under control.  From the happy feel good thoughts, to the downright utterance that they have no stress, I see how people I know hide this from the world.  They are masters at it just like I was.  Unfortunately as I stated above, I know first hand how life ending this can be.

Hiding Behind The Image We Project

Breaking The Habit
Of Being Yourself
By Dr Joe Dispenza

Recently I was reading a book by Dr. Joe Dispenza titled "Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself".  In one section, he was talking about how for a time, he started to lose site of who he was.  He had been riding high in the wake of a movie and becoming a highly recognized lecturer.  In the process, he began to lose himself and portrayed one thing to the public, but kept his true self hidden.  It wasn't until he stopped and recognized what he was doing, that life began to turn back to normal.

On page 151 in his book, he stated something that I thought was very profound.  It talks about how we hide behind that which we project to the world.  When we can't cope, it is then that we become someone different than our authentic self.  The following quote says it clearly.

This is who we truly are, the real self hiding behind the image we are projecting. We can’t face exposing that self to the world, so we pretend to be someone else. We create a set of memorized automatic programs that work to cover the vulnerable parts of us. (pg 151, Dr. Joe Dispenza, Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself ).

I think we all tend to hide ourselves and we only show the parts to the rest of the world that we want to see.  The image we project is often times what we are hiding behind.  I'm sure that some of the reason we do this is survival, but in many ways we lose our authenticity.

Hurt By People Who Mean Well

To many times in life, we have those busy bodies who think they are really trying to help us by their comments. I get it all the time in my life from people I know well to others who barely know me. Everyone thinks they have the "right answers" for us to LISTEN to.

Especially when it comes to talking about abuse from those who are survivors of child sexual abuse, the comments range from the following (and by no means is this an exhaustive list).

"Well maybe now you can move on and get past this"

"You just need to stay positive with your life and forget all of this bad stuff"

"You just need to let go of these things and give them up to God"

"God will take care of everything"

"Just pray about it"

"You need to forgive those that did this to you"

"I no longer let this stuff rule my life - I've healed from it all"

"It's time to move on"

"Let bygones by bygones"

"I just think happy thoughts"


And if these statements don't do enough, there are the families that use the "silent treatment" hoping that if they ignore you, it will all go away. I know that one well because it is used against me all the time. They think that the "silent treatment" will bring me into line and I've got a news bulletin for them - IT WON'T! The silent treatment helps others to ignore things that are just messy for them to think about. It is like it makes it so convenient for them to live their lives.

Going back to the statements above for a moment, I'm sure you have heard these or others like them. There are many more that could be added to the list. While these people appear to mean well, most of the time their comments are about as insensitive as you can get. These comments often hurt those that are forced to hear them. Granted, we've all probably made comments at one time or another where we weren't as sensitive and understanding as we could be.

I often find though that the people who think they have healed or moved on are usually just kidding themselves. By them trying to get you to not talk about these things, makes it easier for them to not have to face up with that painful side of their life. They won't admit that to themselves or to you but if you look beyond the words and read between the lines, you'll see what I'm talking about.

Healing from past issues of our life or healing from being a survivor of child abuse isn't like you wake up one day and poof, it no longer affects your life or matters to you. It is a process where you put more and more distance between you and the traumatic moments your mind has recorded. However, healing is not about masking the pain of the past or wishing and hoping it wasn't there.

Healing is about going into the pain and becoming more aware and conscious. The more you become aware of in your life, it leads to further healing. The more healing you get, the more you become aware of your life. It is an ongoing cycle of life that we should all be engaged in regardless of what we have been through in our lives.

So, if we act like everything is completely fine in our life or that we have moved on, it usually means I don't want to deal with the painful part of my life that I know exists. It means that I'd rather like to just ignore it as I can't deal with it. It does not mean that what we try to state is actually what it means. As hard as we try to silence the message, until the messenger is heard, it cannot be silenced. We can try but at some point, the messenger will be so strong that it will get our attention and hopefully we listen to it before it is too late.

You can run from your past but it will always be there. Eventually, it will catch up with you. It is up to each one of us whether we will continue running or we will become one with our past.

But please - if you are not wanting to deal with situations in your life, don't hurt others by throwing around insensitive comments. At least respect where they are at in their lives but don't just inflict your own pain upon them through your hurtful comments. It does not do a body good.


(c) 12/5/10 by Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Interview With Fear

Something I once wrote for the Voices organization that was published in their newsletter, The Chorus. Voices is no longer in existence but at the time it was a valuable organization for survivors of child abuse. It is a cute writing but is packed with a lot of great insight.




INTERVIEW WITH FEAR
(c) 1998 by Don Shetterly

Reporter's note: It was very difficult to catch up with Fear. Every time we almost got Fear to say yes to an interview, he would disappear on us and it would take us weeks to catch up with him again. So, while we have him sitting in the room, we have taken measures to protect him.

REPORTER
Good afternoon Fear. It is nice to finally get a chance to talk with you.

FEAR
Uh, well I guess but you know, I can't stay too long….

REPORTER
We wont take very much of your time. Are you feeling much more relaxed now than you were earlier?

FEAR
A little bit. It is just hard for me to relax and talk to you. If I get to know someone a little than it is no problem but this is really scary.

REPORTER
You are doing fine Fear and if you need to take a break at any time, just let me know. I notice you have a teddy bear with you. Can you explain the significance of this?

FEAR
Well many people may see it as a childish thing and not something for someone that's in their 30's. And really I don't take it every where I go because someone may laugh at me. It's more of a private thing. Since I never was allowed to be a child when I was younger, I am now trying to give myself a chance to be a kid and let the child part of myself grow and mature. The teddy bear is one way of doing this. Plus, it also makes me feel safe and secure. Whenever I need comfort, I just reach for my teddy bear and hold it close to myself.

REPORTER
Now, if I am being to rough with this question, please let me know. As we have been trying to catch up with you, you have become very good at disappearing on us. Why is that?

FEAR
Man, you really go to the heart of the interview, don't you! I mean, I really wasn't trying to disappear, I just had things to do!

REPORTER
But, you never would return our calls after you agreed to do the interview.

FEAR
Well uh, I was, uh,,,, okay, you got me! I just don't like being asked questions and being put on the spot. It makes me nervous to talk to other people and I know that what I say is going to make someone mad at me. I mean some people just don't like to hear things that I say and if they get mad, guess who they will take it out on. There is no reason for me to put myself in that situation.

REPORTER
Is that why you requested the protection around here today and the seclusion?

FEAR
Yes, I really don't want to leave here and get the crap pounded out of me!

REPORTER
I think you are safe here. How do you show up when you get around people?

FEAR
There are many things that people do. Like being very quiet, sitting off in a corner, being all alone, scared to leave their house, shy, withdrawn. Sometimes they will get very loud and boisterous to kind of protect themselves. I have seen some people go around trying to pick fights with other people and yelling at others just to protect themselves from me. Even fathers will sometimes yell at their kids for no reason but to protect themselves.

REPORTER
So poor little innocent kids take the brunt of you with their fathers?

FEAR
Yeah, I am not proud of that and I wish people wouldn't do this. I mean it is one thing to protect yourself but taking me out on other people, I just can't stand by and let this go on.

REPORTER
But isn't a father justified in getting upset with his children? I mean that is part of normal discipline, isn't it?

FEAR
What you're talking about is different than what I am talking about. Getting upset at your children for something they have truly done wrong or disciplining them with love is not the same as dragging me into the picture. When people drag me into the picture, they are usually insecure about themselves and feel they are inadequate. The only way for them to hide this is to put me out in front of them.

REPORTER
You also mentioned being withdrawn and alone, being shy and not wanting to leave the house. Can you explain these more?

FEAR
Well I can sometimes overwhelm people so much that they will just not be themselves. They use me to keep themselves in a very safe and secure place but they also keep themselves very lonely. Most of the time these same people have so much to offer but they use me to keep from dealing with reality.

REPORTER
So are you saying that you are bad for people to have around?

FEAR
Yes and No! Having me in your life can guard you against awful things that may happen to you and protect you from potential hurt inflicted by others. I can also have a positive impact on your life because I can help you to take risks in life in a calculated way. Some people will just go out and take unnecessary risks but I help them think through these things.

REPORTER
Okay, so what is so bad about you being around?

FEAR
Well some people try and just use me to deal with life. They get very jealous of me and make me work many overtime hours. It really is draining on me and in the end it doesn't do these people much good. These people will blame me for everything in life while hiding that they even know me. It's like they become so dependent upon me that you can't tell them apart from me.

REPORTER
Some say that you and Anger work together as a team. Is this true?

FEAR
NO! I am by myself and I don't work with anyone else. I think what they are referring to is when they try and keep me around all for themselves. Then, when I am not enough to protect them, they start looking for Anger to help them out. I do not make any calls to Anger for them and I don't even suggest they talk to Anger. They just do it because they think I am not enough for them.

REPORTER
So by someone having you around, do you inadvertently push them to Anger?

FEAR
NO! First of all, Anger just like myself is good when we are used in moderation. When people use us out of desperation, than we get the bad rap for it. I don't push them to Anger nor do I push them to Happiness. Actually I like to have these people around because than I can feel useful.

REPORTER
What advice would you give to people who want to know you better?

FEAR
Use me in moderation. Remember, I am by myself and there is only so much of me to go around. Don't try to hide behind me! Try to own up to the times that you need me. Most of all don't use me as an excuse to be mean to others, especially innocent little children.

REPORTER
I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with us today and I am sure many people will learn a lot from this interview.

FEAR
Well, I hope so. I just hope they don't get mad at me for what I have said and come after me!