Monday, October 21, 2013

Haunted By Ghosts Of The Past

It was just a search that turned up a You Tube video.  How on earth could that be that difficult to view?  Of course, I didn't even think about that when I came across it.  I didn't even think about clicking on it.  It all happened and began playing before my mind realized that my fingers had clicked the play button.

Haunted by ghosts of the past, will they forever wrap me in chains?  I could reference the video here, but I just don't want to give it any credibility.  It would be my luck that it would go viral and everyone would see it as normal.  Actually, to most people, it may look rather normal and I may be the one that looks like the fool.  Yet, if you knew the whys and wherefores and particulars behind it, there would be nothing wholesome about what I saw in this video.

Haunted by ghosts of the past, will my mind ever forget?  I've come a long ways in healing, but when you've seen what my eyes have seen, the body and mind never forget.  If they do, I've not experienced that level of healing yet in my life.  You see, the video depicts something religious that to many may look like the person in it is truly humble and changed.  Yet, I've seen this scenario play out more than once by too many.  You do the dastardly deed, molest the child, abuse the wife and then you repent your sins to Jesus.  You get saved and rededicate your life to Christ and if it is bad enough, you even get "baptized" once again.  You claim you never really had Jesus in your heart.  Its a scenario that has played out over and over again in the life I have witnessed.  Wrap it up in a bow and put it under the tree for Christmas!

Haunted by ghosts of the past, will my pain ever stop?  I so badly wanted to think this didn't impact me and that life would go on.  Truth be told though, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  It hit me with the force of a meteorite crashing from a million spaces miles away.  My body grew tense, my muscles hurt with every movement.  My tears filled every waking moment and my anger grew as big as a monster, the size of Goliath.  The pain was and is raw.  The pain is intense.  I am struggling to forget, to move on, to conquer this, but I am not sure I have the energy to do so.

Haunted by ghosts of the past, will you all just leave me alone?  I want to escape and I want to flee but where can I run, where can I hide?  I want to act as if this never happened.  I want to question why I had to endure this.  Is this some cruel joke?  I would cry out in anger, but what good will that do.  I would cry out in pain, but my pain is like a cup that runneth over.  I would cry out in disbelief, but yet I know what happened.

Haunted by ghosts of the past, will you stop controlling my mind?  The churches that enabled this and the God of love that was taught to me in these moments is something my mind cannot still comprehend.  Yet, it brings up a rage within me that I cannot let go.  These churches preached that everything except reading the bible was a sin.  Try a few of the following beliefs on for size courtesy of the General Association Of Regular Baptist Churches (GARBC) and Faith Baptist Bible College (FBBC) - where I almost went to school or at least I was being heavily encouraged to attend.  I'm so glad I didn't make that mistake!

Rules Of Conducts and Beliefs (Partial List) - Sinful Activities To Be Avoided
  • Excessive complaining and sowing discord
  • Participation in gambling, dancing, movie theaters
  • Reading or use of indecent, occult or new age material
  • Dress that does not please the Lord and is not conservative or modest
  • No tattoos, body piercing, necklaces or earrings
  • Physical contact with the opposite sex is not permitted
  • Physical contact with the same sex ought to be above reproach
  • Refrain from listening to Rock, Rap, Country Western, New Age, Jazz even if it is Christian Music
  • Refrain from music whose composer or performer clearly exhibits a worldly lifestyle
  • Refrain from eating in restaurants that serve alcohol
  • Do not date or marry an unsaved or divorced individual

Haunted by ghosts of the past, will I ever be free?  I was taught these things day in and day out.  I saw these abusers and molesters act one way in these "GODLY" churches and have the people in the church accept them with loving arms as if they were one of them.  I saw these things repeat over and over, horror after horror, only to find once again salvation in God the father, Jesus his son and the Holy Spirit.  Yet, no one saw my pain.  Yet, no one ever talked about the horrors I faced or the pains I lived with in my life.

Haunted by ghosts of the past, how do I go on?  I know I've fought the good fight and I know I've come so many miles.  Yet, I'm left shattered at times, wondering when my life will fit together.  I feel so disconnected from all of it.  I feel so disconnected from those that I hope still love me.  I feel dirty, ashamed and embarrassed.  Yet, for what - I wasn't the one that did anything wrong.  I would have never been good enough for these GODLY men that only sought to control my every move while pouncing upon me as fresh meat.

Haunted by ghosts of the past?  Yes I am. 

Now let me introduce you to one such ghost in the following baptism video.  Just a word of warning, the words and actions may not be as they appear.

One final note, I know for a fact I'm not the only one to be haunted by these ghosts.  I only pray that there are not others I am not aware of because folks, that would be almost too much to handle.  

Blog Post And Images (c) 10/21/13 by Don Shetterly

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