Friday, January 27, 2012

I Don't Belong In This Family

I Don't Belong In This Family

It amazes me every time I think about how I came into this world. I'll never understand, how I ended up in this family. To me, I don't belong in this family that we share a last name together. Yes, at one time, I was just as pious, pompass and a critical a-hole as any could get.  Okay, maybe I'm giving myself too much credit here because I could never out perform others in my family in this area.


You see, we were taught to hate others and dislike and critize or put down others. Anyone who didn't think like we did or saw life the way we saw it, were less than in our eyes. We would wait until they left our presence and were out of hearing range, before we talked about them behind their back.  It must have made us feel good about ourselves while we claimed to just speak the truth.


Yes, we were God fearing Christians who believed in the "ENTIRE" BIBLE. Yet, like so many others who believe in the bible, we picked what parts of the bible we would actually follow why confessing our sins and shortcomings on Sunday in church. Now, I'm sure most people won't admit that they do this and generally speaking, they are too unconscious to see that they are following these practices. However, our family was not alone in these practices as we tried taking the speck out of our fellow brothers' eye, while a plank was lodged in our own eye.  (See Matthew 7:5)

Today, I no longer have anything to do with my family. I had to escape to save my own life. They are self righteous, egotistical and delusional people! You might think I'm being harsh in my assessment of them, but if you only knew the inner secret workings of my family and what I went through, the assessment would seem very mild.

So many times I have thought about changing my name. I wanted to escape every thought of them because as my Dad stated growing up, you had better be proud of being a Shetterly. He would state that as he slammed his fist on the table and raised his voice. Oh yeah, I so like my last name, the name that stand for all that is wrong with humans including the destruction of innocent children.

As I keep thinking about changing my name, I have two thoughts. One is that it would be more difficult to adjust to a new name and have my friends adjust. Since I have done considerable marketing with my name, it would prevent a challenge in this area. The other thing though is that if I keep the same name and I come out triumphant in life, than I will have broken the chain of the evil that is associated with this name. For me to come out victorious means that I reclaimed a part of me, that my family tried to take away from me.

It isn't easy. Some days I really wonder how I came to be part of this family when I was born into this world. For a long time growing up, I thought I was adopted because I did not fit in then, and I still do not to this day. Yes, I've changed considerably and I have a long ways to go. A near death experience brings life front and center in a way that everything changes.

In order for me to heal, grow and just survive, I had to move on from my family. It is a hard thing to do and even though I want them back, I realize the toxicity is far too radioactive. The only way I can fulfill my life's purpose is by moving forward. Some day in the future, I may be able to reconnect, but for now my only focus is on learning to let go and forgive them for all that they did and have done to me.

My mind and body and spirit sometimes struggles to understand all of this. I've been through a lot and I've recovered through so much, but one thing remains, I don't belong in this family. Some day I will understand it better, but for now my mind, body and spirit is perplexed. I just know that the more I survive and become victorious over all the demons I have dealt with in my life, the more I will find out and discover about who I am as a human.

Note:  The picture above was intentionally disfigured to protect the guilty and the innocent.  The effects were created to more accurately bring to life, the words of this blog post.



Related Blog Posts On Mind Body Thoughts Blog
1)  Family And Forgiveness (posted Jul 6, 2011)
2)  Evolved Beliefs (posted Jul 1, 2011)




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2 comments:

  1. i know how you feel and you are right about the last name ive always wanted to change my last name when i get older but after reading this i realized that id rather just be the first of the abramovs to change who i am and get away from the stereotype and prove to myself my family and the world that i am different it comforting to know that im not the only one

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    1. Thanks for sharing this. Some days I still think about wanting to have a different name. I appreciate your comments as well.

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