After 16 Years

I never thought this day would come.  After 16 years, we're finally married.  For much of that 16 years, we never had the option to legally get married.  It was not until the Supreme Court decision for marriage equality on June 26, 2015 that made this possible.

I cannot begin to describe what it means to be able to finally be married,  Yes, we waited some time from the moment we could get married until we actually did it.  I proposed on December 25, 2014, but it all came home after the Pulse Orlando shooting.  We did not want to be in a situation where something would happen to one of us and legally we could not be there for the other.  In that light, it became imperative to do this sooner than later.

We had begun to plan a beautiful beach wedding with close friends and family, but life got in the way and so those plans had to get abandoned.

To keep things simple and because we wanted to get this done, we went down to the Orlando Courthouse and exchanged our vows.  In fact, we were only a couple of miles from the Pulse nightclub and it felt good to celebrate that which the shooter tried to destroy.

Having immediate family there made all the difference.  I was nervous.  In fact, I think we both were pretty nervous.  I don't quite remember the vows because my mind was in a daze.  I tried to hold back the tears, but the emotions were deep.  After all, after 16 years, we finally were getting to make our love for one another permanent.

It all seemed like a blur.  Before the wedding, we wondered if this ceremony would really have much of an impact.  Would it change things?  I mean being together for 16 years, we really do know each other.  In the marriage counseling online course we took, the discussion helped us to learn more about ourselves.

I can honestly say though, that after the wedding ceremony, it definitely changed things.  It felt more permanent.  It felt like we were finally standing up in front of family and friends and saying - hey - we love each other and we mean the world to each other.  It was a precious moment that I will never forget.

As we enjoyed the rest of the day, I found myself realizing that I no longer had to be jealous of those that could get married.  We were now one of them.  We were no longer second class citizens - we had the same rights.  I'm not a political person, but I sure was tired of being used as something cheap in the realm of politics and religion.

We no longer have to worry about the future or anything else, because we know that our relationship is now recognized and we are one with each other.  It feels strange that after 16 years, we've only just begun.  The years have gone by quickly.

My eyes are star filled and glazed, but my love has grown deeper for the man I love.  I'm not going to hide it anymore.  If someone does not have the capacity to accept me and us for the way we are, then I realize it is not a problem I can worry about any longer.

On July 26, 2016 we pledged our love for one another and I'm the happiest guy in the world right now.  I love my husband with all my heart and we both respect each other with the highest respect you can give to another human.  We see each other for what we are, not what we think they should be.  We accept each other as they are and together we've grown so much over the past 16 years.

It wasn't that long ago in life before I met him that I wondered if true love was possible.  I wondered if it could last, when I met someone.  When we met, I wasn't looking for a relationship and when we met, I wasn't even ready to accept I was gay.  My heart knew immediately though from that moment we first said hello.

Even with the past and all the difficulties we have both faced in life, we are there for each other.  Out of the love we share, we are growing and making it in life.  We face the day with new hope and possibility and we enjoy the warm embrace of love that our two hearts share.

I wear my new wedding ring with pride.  I cherish it and the symbol that it portrays.   It means so much to me to wear this ring.  My heart sings with joy.  My heart rejoices in the joy and love that I have found in a person I love so very much.

LGBTq people have come a long ways and what was once barely talked about is more accepted in society.  Being gay is not a choice.  If it was, I think many of us would have not wished to go through some of the horror we have.  Being gay is who we are.  It is how we are made.  Instead of hating those who are gay, let us love one another without conditions and strings attached.  Let us love one another as humans should.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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Are you afraid of LGBT Cooties?

I realize this may be an unusual question to ask.  In fact, it may just be way too strange.  After all, we aren't in grade school, afraid of the cooties of each other - or are we?  You can only answer the question for yourself, but I know I've seen this firsthand this week.

In the aftermath of the Orlando Massacre, we saw an outpouring of support from many corporations and cities across the US and the World.  Places that would not have wanted to be known as gay or LGBT friendly, were really stepping up to the plate.  I applaud them as loudly as I can.  I'm thankful they stepped up!

However, it is others that I think are afraid of the gay and LGBT cooties.  I'll list a few examples and maybe you have a few of your own that you could leave as a comment.  I think this discussion needs to take place.  Hopefully this will spark a discussion.

Examples of LGBT Cooties...

Governor Rick Scott and Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi rushed to the scene of the massacre in Orlando.  Rightfully, they are in charge of these matters for the state of Florida and so they should be onsite.  However, and I make this a big however; these two individuals were so anti-gay (anti-LBGT) that they have very few friends in the community.  While they came down and did some grandstanding and photo ops, they could barely utter the word "gay" or "LGBT".  It was like the Governor and the Attorney General were afraid to get LGBT cooties on them.

Another example is a recent survey (most likely not a scientific measurement) of what happened to LGBT the next day at work.  Many of the respondents stated it was business as usual and while people felt bad that this shooting took place, most of the office folks tried to avoid the subject.  It was like, they were afraid to get LGBT cooties on them.

A more personal example was with people I know, especially the people I consider close to me.  The first thing I did when I heard about this was contact friends in Orlando and make sure they were okay.  I had a few friends and I mean very few that even reached out to check on me and my partner.  Many have still not even uttered a word about this situation and it's almost like they are afraid of the LGBT cooties.

The Orlando Massacre was personal...

Maybe I am over analyzing this, but it feels like too many just don't know what to say or they are too afraid to say anything.  Maybe while everyone feels horrible for what happened, there is still this stigma that it is a "gay" and "LGBT" related issue.  Attitudes have progressed and changed, but there is still this negative undertone that exists in our society.  We're nowhere near full acceptance of LGBT people.

This massacre in Orlando is personal for all people who identify as LGBT (gay).  For me personally, it happened in my backyard.  It is no longer something that happens in another city.  It is personal.  It has been an emotional week seeing this unfold and being at the vigil in Orlando on Monday night.

(click image to read)

If you're gay (LGBT), you know that you've had to live your life, always worried that someone would attack you for who you are.  With the event of this week, it has been made abundantly clear that this is not some made up scenario.  It's real.  If you ever wondered why the LGBT community has pride events, the events of this week should be a very good reason.

My main goal for writing this is to help push the discussion to reach out to those affected by this tragedy, directly and indirectly.  Don't just think that everything is okay and go on about your busy day.  Reach out.  Send a text, email or give them a call.  Let them know you support them and they aren't alone.  It is an emotional week and support is greatly appreciated, I think, by the LGBT community.  Supporting with dollars is helpful, but words of support are also critical.

Don't be afraid of LGBT cooties... I swear, we aren't contagious people.  We are just normal people trying to deal with events that are very personal.

What have been your experiences this week?  Please feel free to share and let's start the discussion that needs to be started!

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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The Shock Of The Orlando Massacre

I'm numb.  I can't focus.  I want to cry.  I do cry. I can't cry enough.  My heart aches for all those in this horrible massacre.

I'm afraid to go out.  I'm afraid that others might think I'm gay and shoot me.  I want to hide.  I want to sleep.  My heart aches for all those in this horrible Orlando Massacre. 

How do I make sense of this?  One individual wants me to blame a group of people.  Another individual says, "no, blame this!"  Yet, others are quick to tweet and judge and pronounce condemnation on the world, on a country, on religion, on gays or whatever else they think it is.  They are all experts of course, in their own minds.  Yet, their logic has hid under a rock.

Everyone wants to help, donate, make a difference - and that is good.  Yet, no act you can do seems like it is enough.  No amount of money can make up for the pain you feel watching all those who went through things that are hard to imagine.

We become angry...

We become angry at the shooter.  We become angry at those who minimize, or we blame the ones that are suffering.  What kind of God delights in punishing a group of people in this way, as some off-balance religious people would say?  I'm not going to give them their self-gratifying sense of ego by glorifying the name of these religious zealots. 

We blame ourselves.  We blame everyone.  Yet, blame is never enough.  Yet, blame will never heal, but we have more than plenty of it.

We cry out for change...

We cry out and hope for change, but yet we do nothing.  We cry out that things must change, but they seldom do.  We cry out for the our friends we will never see again, but yet it feels like the forces against making this right are more concerned with lining their pockets with cash, than they are about making something happen.

We go through our day as zombies, thinking about all those lives which were taken in a second;  the remaining tweets, the last videos and the last voicemails.  That is all that's left - beside our memories.  They were our sons, daughters, lovers, partners, husbands, wives, friends, brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers.  They are now gone. Nothing will bring them back. 

What's next?

What's next?  No one can say!  Where do we go from here?  No one knows.  How do we begin to heal?  That is difficult question to answer.

The foundation for many gays has been shaken in the shock of a massacre.  Is it safe for gays to live in this world or will others be killed just for being who they are?  The only crime these people committed was loving life and having fun while being themselves.  One hateful and judgmental ignorant fool made that determination because of his own beliefs and from that which he had been taught.   It almost looks like he did it to please his father but I could be wrong.  That's only speculation, not fact.

The shock of a massacre doesn't just go away.  It will be with the Orlando community for a long time.  It will permeate every area of life and become a hidden poison locked away in the minds and bodies of those left behind.  It is part of the LGBT legacy now.

Yes, we can and will find ways to heal, but it comes at a price.  It comes at a price that was too high.  The price is raised every time we hear the political grandstanding of the day.

Together we will make it...

Together is the way we will make it through this.  Together as we look out for one another and feel the love and companionship we all share, may our hearts not close with bitterness to all people.  May the pain we feel, not only be replaced with a new awareness of life, but motivate us to remember in ways we cannot imagine.  May those ways be positive for the world.

Let us not forget that this process will not end tomorrow.  It will not end next week.  It may never fully end, but in all things, let us remind ourselves that we have to take care of ourselves.  We have to reach out when we need to, because this pain is great and no one should have to bear it alone.

May this Orlando community become stronger and may we stand up against the hate and intolerance and religious judgmental fools of our day.

To leave everyone reading this with something that I find helpful to do, please read "The Importance Of Breathing" or click the image below.  It is something that we forget in times like these.

The Importance Of Breathing (click image)

Please feel free to leave your comments below if you want.  Keep them respectful as I do moderate all comments. 

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Selected Bigotry By Religions

I see this all the time and it really bugs me.  In fact, I just read a Facebook comment that said "if Christians and other people of faith were not required to accept and service the homosexual lifestyle choice and marriage against their will and faith, that basically the religious people wouldn't care so much.  Hmmm... let me think about that one some more.

I normally don't wade into the social issues much because there are so many people screaming.  It just bothers me when I see comments like this posted.  It feels like selected bigotry by religions.  Their statement makes them feel validated but that's about it.  It is highly disrespectful to gay people that they so vehemently hate.

Now, before you get all up in arms with me and accuse me of intolerance,  religions are protected in the constitution and they have buildings to go and preach at whatever they believe every single day of the year.  They take in lots of money in a year and while I don't think they use it wisely most of the time, they don't pay taxes on it.  Lots of people in the church earn a good living and some have a pretty nice income.  Some religions and people of faith understand things good and too many others show the evil side of religions.

Love Wins

The day is so surreal in my mind.  It started out as a second attempt in getting to go down and see a few of the sites in the center of Washington DC.  At first, the skies were cloudy and I was tired and I almost didn't go on my adventure.  It meant getting on a metro rail train in spite of my fears of getting lost in a city I had never been in.  But - I went.

I started out at the White House.  I had always seen the images on TV, but it was different getting to see this up close and in person.  I went and walked to various sites including the Lincoln Memorial, the World War Two Memorial and reflecting pool.   I had been monitoring Facebook to see what was going on with the Supreme Court ruling.

All of the sudden, I saw there was a decision and when I looked at the map, I realized I was a little over 2 miles from there.  My feet said, "oh no you don't", but my heart and mind said, I want to go to the Supreme Court building.  I want to be part of history.  So, I made the trek there.

To think, I was only two miles from the Supreme Court at the time this decision came down.  The odds of that blow my mind away.  

Straight Talk About Being Gay

For a long time in my life, I didn't know what "gay" meant.  I had no clue what it was all about and had absolutely no role models to depict being gay.  In fact, I didn't really know it was something that needed a label.  So here's some straight talk about being gay to help everyone in the world understand my world.

I grew up in a home with a father that thought molestation was right and approved by God, but that two guys who loved each other was wrong.  I grew up in a home with a brother that molested me for most of my early life, and yet he views me as a sinful person before God. 

I struggled for a long time that I might be gay.  I was afraid I would burn in hell and forever be the scorn of everyone in the world.  At the same time, I didn't even know what it was.  I just knew that girls were not sexual creatures to me.  They were just someone that I wanted to hang out with, but in no way wanted a sexual relationship.  Ewww...  yuck....  Sorry, but that's the way I feel.

Proud To Annnounce I'm Engaged

I never thought that this day would ever arrive. Of course, like many others, I have been following the pending legal decisions on marriage equality.  There is much political and legal wrangling still going on, but hopefully soon in Florida, everyone can get married.

I see it as more of a marriage equality issue rather than a gay or straight issue.  I know that many people may not agree with marriage equality being a right for everyone, but frankly, I'm no longer interested in those viewpoints.  You can call me narrow minded if you want to, but I'm tired of being put down in life for who I am.

For years I fought it and I wouldn't accept it, although I've known since I was a young child that I was different.  I won't go into too many details for now, because that is not what this post is about.  I just want to say, that no matter how you believe, I know I'm gay and it wasn't a choice.  It is who I am.

From The Moment I Met You

From The Moment I Met You

15 Years ago, we ran into each other almost by accident.  Neither of us was looking to make a connection.  We weren't looking for someone.  Yet, it just happened.

Our paths crossed and connected by events that were related, but so unrelated.  Little did we realize that we would even met.  Little did we realize that if we met, there would be anything more than a "hello" and "nice to meet you".

From the moment we met, I felt like I always knew you.  From the moment we met, I felt as if we were somehow connected in a way that I could not verbalize.  It was as if two stars were born together.  It was as if two ships passed by on the ocean sea. 

From the moment I met you, I felt so close.  I felt so comfortable.  I trusted you and your touch.  I wasn't scared of you.  I didn't want to run from you.

From the moment I met you, I didn't know what was happening.  I tried hard to convince myself that I wasn't gay.  I was straight and I could prove it.  Yet, how could I prove it, for I had known for a very long time that I wasn't like most other guys.  I was different and I had been taught all my life that being gay was wrong and so with tears, I said goodbye - not knowing what to do with what I was feeling inside.

The moments we shared that first weekend are still locked within the memories of my heart and mind.  They are like reminders of yesterday which seems like just a short moment ago.  The moments we shared in those hours together where we talked for hours and listened intently as we basked in the connection we both felt. It wasn't clear what was going on.  I doubt either of us could explain it.  Yet, from that moment, our lives changed forever.

As I rode home on the airplane, I cried.  I didn't know how to deal with the feelings I had as I said goodbye.  I was falling in love with another guy and my upbringing dictated that this was not possible.  Yet, I couldn't leave.   Yet, I didn't want to leave.  I just wanted to be with you from the moment I met you.

Time rushed by and soon we were together, but I'll never forget those beginning moments 15 years ago.  I'll never forget how much we have both changed and how you've helped me to grow in ways I never imagined. 

I'll not forget all the difficult moments we've faced together and how we're always there for each other, holding each others hand as we walk through the fire.  It isn't about who gains and loses or who is better or worse.  It is just about being together and accepting one another where they are at, happy to enjoy the journey and dance through life.

15 years has gone by quickly and while so many things were against us, I would not trade one moment.  I would not give up one moment with you.  Some day our love will be accepted and recognized, but what matters is the love we have for each other in our heart. 

I look forward to the next 15 years as we walk through the journey of life, dancing to our own tunes and finding our way.  You're the best thing that has happened to me and my heart is so full of love as I think of you.

Happy 15 Anniversary to my friend, soul-mate and partner in life.

I love you so much.


Don

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Blog Post And Images (c) 11/5/14 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Innocent Comments Of Hate

My new t-shirt from HRC

Yesterday was the Come Out With Pride event at Lake Eola in Orlando, Florida.  Estimates put the number of people attending it around 150,000.  The parade was close to an hour long.  The energy level never died down around the beautiful downtown lake.  Fireworks captured the nighttime sky as everyone felt accepted, loved, and wanted.  The Swans moved around as if it were another day.

As I was talking to a friend and recounting similar experiences of innocent comments of hate, he too shared some stories from his past.  Yes, I'm sure one could say we just have to develop a thick skin and not let it bother us.  Unfortunately, I think people either need to lose their ignorance or not prove to the world through their words, just how ignorant they are.

Comments such as "those queers", "those fags" or gawd they are weird are about hate and ignorance.  I've overheard people say to other ignorant people, "you're not afraid he will do something to you, right?"  I've heard that in the work place, and amongst people who I thought were friends. I've heard it amongst those that thought they were self righteous and holy.

Love Between Two People - Bridegroom

I know there is a debate going on within the world about marriage equality.  Some people are adamantly against it while others understand it.  To me, love between two people is a sacred concept of humanness regardless if everyone in the world accepts it or not.

Some time ago there was a YouTube video posted on the internet about the story of these two guys who are gay.  It is a real life story that touches your heart (if it is a functioning heart), in a very real way.  This is not fictional.  It is what happened to two people.  Regardless of your own beliefs on this issue, you can't help but be touched by this story.

I'm going to leave the link to the kickstarter page where they are trying to raise money to help produce this movie.  It appears to be a very highly produced and well thought out project.  I hope you will take a look at it and see how it touches your own heart.

Do It In The Name Of Heaven

Like all species alive today, if we don't work together towards a common goal, we won't survive.  If all a species do is focus on the annihilation, they won't survive for generations to come.  Of course, other acts of nature come along and have obliterated some species.

Lately all I see in the news is the people that purport to follow the life and teachings of Jesus, but do anything that follows what Jesus preached.  Remember when Jesus said in Matthew (chapter 22)  when he was asked about the greatest commandment?

Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law? Jesus replied: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself."  Matthew 22

Yet, all too many of his followers feel that preaching hatred towards other people of the same species is what Jesus portrayed in his life.  They fail to understand that they are living against his teachings and what his life meant.  Yes, they attempt to qualify it with hating the sin, loving the sinner.  Of course, most people with a brain can see just how judgmental and condescending that statement is.  It doesn't stop these fanatics of course.

Pedophiles Are Not Gay

Pedophiles Have Nothing To
Do With Gay Or Straight

I get amazed at the comments and stories that surround a major headline such as the Penn State, Jerry Sandusky pedophile allegations.  After a story breaks like this, it doesn't take long before the self righteous, narrow minded folks of our day start labeling the pedophile as a gay.  Of course, the way they come to that conclusion is not based upon fact or common sense, but that does not stop them from doing it.

Being gay or straight has nothing to do with sex!  After all do people just get married to have sex and nothing else?  The answer is NO!  While sex is part of a relationship or marriage, that's not the sole purpose for it.  Yet, too many narrow minded people try to portray gays as it just being about sex and nothing else.  Then they make the leap between that misguided thinking and they connect it to pedophiles.  Of course, I'm finding it difficult to fully explain the weird thinking that goes on in the narrow minded people.

Manipulated Belief System and Into The Light

Into The Light
Dr. John Lerma

In chapter 3 of "Into The Light" by Dr. John Lerma, a story of Leon is shared.  Leon is a fundamentalist Baptist minister who shares just how judgmental he was.  While he was preaching (before he came upon his final days in hospice care), he thought people like Joel Osteen were wrong to be preaching all this feel good, positivity.  He was a hell fire and brimstone type of preacher and thought any other way was of the devil.

In the days and weeks leading up to his death, the life review he went through opened this minister's eyes to things that went against his own belief system.  During his time of preaching, he felt that near death experiences (NDE) were nothing more than hallucinations by satan or the enemy as he called it.  He didn't believe that people could really see angels and once again thought they were being fooled by Satan.  Even when the first angel appeared to him, he thought it was Satan tempting him.  However, as more angels appeared and further things happened, he came to understand that so much of his belief system was wrong.  All this because he had been indoctrinated by his family into a manipulated belief system.

Masculine, Feminine VS Gay And Straight

In the book, "Into The Light" by Dr. John Lerma, stories of hospice patients final days are recounted.  While I cannot substantiate any of these stories, I can neither disprove them.  I have read a considerable amount of Dr. Lerma's accounts of his patients just days before they pass on and I find them very credible.  It would seem odd that I would find a very good story and example about masculine, feminine and gay versus straight in a book about our final days and the life thereafter.

On page 56, this section is being shared from a fundamentalist preacher who was into the hell, fire and brimstone, rather than positive, uplifting and encouraging words one may desire to hear.  According to this person (which is known as Leon in the book), he felt the truth was the truth and it often hurts. 

As you read on in this section, he shares how his church was right in the middle of a gay community and how his ministry had been focused on telling gays (among others) that they were living a lifestyle that was against God.  We've all heard these things and in this day and age, it is not uncommon to be surrounded by this type of thinking. Politicians love to use this as a bargaining chip in getting people to vote for them which is unfortunate in my view.

Anti Sissy Therapist

Anderson Cooper has done a story about Kirk Murphy. When Kirk Murphy was only 5 years old, his parents took him to this "new therapy" that was being advertised to help eliminate the "sissy" out of boys. As his mom was quoted in the AC360 story, she wanted him to grow up normal or what she refers to as normal.

Of course, the therapy involved neglect, withholding of love and affection, abuse, beatings and the common decency any child should receive. Keep in mind that this was all because little Kirk played with toys and things that his parents decided were not normal for a boy to play with. They, like many others in our society feels that it is their authority which gives them the right to say what the child should do and decide what they should not do. They feel it is justified in their mind at least without any concern to actually respecting the child.

Of course, as the story unfolds, George Reeker that did all of this research and founded his anti gay establishment on this research which was limited and one sided, could not help but use a gay guy to carry his luggage on a trip. Carrying his luggage was of course the "official response" of what he did when he hired someone from a place called rent boy.com. I'm not suggesting you go to that site but looking at that website, it is easy to see what it is about. You cannot convince me that George Reeker did not know what was going on and that nothing went on between him and this person he supposedly hired to carry his luggage. I'm sorry, but try as hard as you want, you can't convince me!

Back to the story though as I feel so sad for Kirk and his brother and sister. The mom - well that's a different story. If she was so unintelligent that subjecting her little boy to this abuse because they were the experts, than she should not have been a mother. I heard her act as if it was George Reeker that murdered her son and I'm like, excuse me but you are the one responsible here. You enabled George Reeker to do this. How can you sit there and act as if you are innocent! The lengths we as humans go to in order to excuse our actions!

What is even more sad is that this research that George Reeker did where he claims to have changed Kirk from being gay to normal has now been used against so many others. This therapy that tries to change gays to straight is about as absurd as it gets! God made us all in his image and there is no need to change ourselves because some narrow minded bigot thinks that gays should not exist. These are real people with real lives and breathing hearts!

Normally, I try not to get this controversial on this blog but I'm just astounded to the lengths that some people will go to in this world to hate others through their own misguided life. You can call it what you want but gay people are normal people and the sooner we learn that in this country and the world, the sooner we can advance ourselves as a human population. We all have something to bring to the table and if we learn to focus on what we share, rather than the differences between us, we might just take a big step toward becoming human.

Kirk, may you rest in peace and I'm so sorry that you chose this way out. I hope your life will shine the light of truth on these people that try to change gays into something they are not. I hope your life will help others to wake up and that you will not have died in vain. Fortunately, we've come a long way since the day you were a little boy but we've still got a long ways to go!



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