Math Is Hard - Part 3

Math Is Hard
Part 3

This is part 3 of a three part series.  Please read PART 1 first.

There is so much more I could write here, but to be honest trying to write any more on this blog post is just way to difficult.  It takes more than I can give at this point of myself.  I actually am trying to finish this almost a month later because it got too difficult.

The point I really want to make is that often when kids struggle in school, there are emotional reasons that many adults fail to focus on for the child.  They look at surface things and try things that do not go to the root of the problem.  I have read in various places that kids who were abused or traumatized often struggle in school.  Either they struggle to comprehend or become a perfectionist and chastise themselves for getting anything less than a perfect score. 

Trauma and abuse alter the brain.  When a child goes through events that cannot be comprehended, often the only choice the biological mind has, is to freeze in place or alter how it perceives the world around it.  Simple and normal development is arrested and while the body may continue to grow as the child gets older, the brain may still be frozen in a time of hidden secrets and horrors. 

Math Is Hard - Part 2

Math is Hard
Part 2

This is part 2 of a three part series.  Please read PART 1 first.

Once my parents found out, a school meeting was called and everyone was angry with each other.  I don't recall too much of it but the thing I do remember is in the middle of the semester, being told that I would be put back in Kindergarten so hopefully I could catch up.  It was a sinking feeling and one that I had no choice because the adults knew what was best.  No one really cared about the reason for my struggle with math.  I'm sure they all thought they were doing the right thing, but in all honesty, it did very little to address the problem.

So, when Christmas break was over, I went back to school.  This time though, instead of being with my friends and classmates, I was put back into Kindergarten with other children I barely knew.  I felt out of place.  I didn't really fit in and no one seemed to really care.  After all, you were just supposed to suck it up and move on in life.  I don't remember having many friends that year and it wasn't long before we moved to a new school in the fall.

Math Is Hard - Part 1

Math Is Hard
Part 1

For many people, the subject of math like algebra, trigonometry, and calculus, can be a nightmare.  It is too hard for some people and I happen to be in that category.  While I can do basic math and my mind can be very logical, these other subjects are like big monsters that haunt me.  I'm at a place in life where I can get by without knowing the advanced math, but I often wish it was not a mental block within my head.

You see, back in high school, I only took the required math classes I had to take.  When I went to college, I took the bare minimum to get by and graduate.  Math was hard for me.  High school algebra was to me, as difficult as trying to land a man on the moon.

Fortunately in high school, I had a wonderful math teacher who believed in me, more than I believed in myself.  Algebra was a daily struggle and even though parts of it made sense, my brain could not complete the string of thoughts in my brain to complete the calculations.  No matter how hard I tried and no matter what I did, it was hard.  I worked my tail off in every way possible to pass the class and learn the material.

My Fear Of Snakes

Normally I try to write things that are more positive but today for reasons I do not understand, I have decided to write about my fear of snakes. I just feel prompted to write about this and so I will. After all, this is a subject, I'd rather avoid so maybe that in itself is part of positive side for writing this. And no there will be no snake picture posted with this entry for obvious reasons. In the picture that is posted, is the bush that HAD the snake which has moved on for the moment.

You see, today I looked out in our yard, just feet from our pool on the old half dead, purple flowering bush. This bush took a pretty hard hit from a freeze this winter and we actually thought it was completely dead. There are some signs it may be coming back to life but I really need to prune it. As I looked at it, I noticed something odd on the top of it where the sun was hitting the dead branches. You guessed it - one of those s-n-a-k-e-s. And moments later, when I looked again, I saw not one but TWO!

The minute I saw the snake, my breathing almost stopped, my body wanted to freeze and all I wanted to do was get the heck out of there. Through the frightened feeling I felt, my body wanted to run, hide, disappear, cry and be anywhere but where this snake was. For me this is a common reaction to snakes whether it is one that I see physically around me somewhere or one that is on TV or in a magazine. The same reaction happens. It isn't fun. It wipes me out and exhausts me. And the entire time, I struggle to understand just why this event is so powerful.

Many people have suggested over the course of my life to just ignore it and not think about it or make light of it by saying, not all snakes are harmful and you need to learn which are and which aren't. The thing that these well intentioned people fail to see is that it isn't about any of those things. And trying to ignore it and think that it isn't there is like having a 650 pound gorilla sitting on your lap and trying to ignore that!

In addition to the s-n-a-k-e spottings in our yard, I've had the dreams where you could not have convinced me that a snake was not right there. It has been so bad that I had to turn on all the lights and strip the bed down just to prove to myself that there was no snake. Of course trying to go back to sleep after these dreams have startled me so badly is almost impossible.

I've read many things online and heard many people talk about snakes may mean this or that. Some say they have a strong connection to people who are Christians because they see the devil as a serpent. Some say it is a warning or a sign of wisdom/new information coming to you. It could be some childhood trauma playing out as well. The list of explanations could go on and on.

For me, all of these explanations sound nice and look pretty but they don't make any more sense to me than my fear of seeing a s-n-a-k-e on TV. I know that there were some childhood trauma moments around snakes but I most likely don't fully remember the entire event. I know I grew up in a very strict fundamentalist church where Satan, the devil (i.e. serpent) was a very very bad thing. I am coming into new information and awareness each day but it isn't the kind that startles or scares me. It feels pretty safe and welcoming to me. There is nothing in any explanation to this point that makes sense or seems like the key to unlock the door.

Of course, I do realize that fears are not normally rational. They are the connections of neural pathways in our brain and the emotion or memory experienced in the present may not have necessarily been directly tied to the actual event. The fear episode may be strangely connected to something that has entirely nothing to do with it. So, I realize that the story playing out may not have all the facts.

And I know that fears can be overcome. I have done that with many in my life and many of them were not easy to take on, but once I was able to take my power back from them, the fears looked like tiny little spineless nothings. I've learned also, that the more I face my fears and accept them with open arms, the more I am able to reclaim that power. It is through embracing and accepting them that they are no longer enemies.

The answer to this mystery right now is beyond my current consciousness and knowledge. I wish I knew the magic button to push and make this all go away. I wish I understood why it is happening. For now, all I can do is just acknowledge that this exists and will hope that my path leads me to understanding and release of this fear.