Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Fear Of Surrender Holding Hands

There I was, sitting in the room and all of the sudden... thump da thump da thump goes the music.  Its the sound that immediately takes me back to a moment in my past that is so hard to manage.  Much like a war vet suffering from PTSD, a startling noise resembling a bomb can set them off and so it is with me.  The loud base sound of music is my startling noise.  It is a trigger. 

I've come a long ways in healing on this issue.  In fact, I can now tolerate for many minutes, a car sitting next to me with their base sound so loud it vibrates everything within 100 feet.  I've come a long ways in my healing, where I can now allow my hand to be held or hold hands with my partner.

For a long time, holding hands was something I would not do.  It was frightening and scary.  It was as if it was my startling noise where I was being pinned down on the bed and raped as a thirteen year old boy.  No matter how much I wanted that feeling of holding hands and that shared moment with my partner, I just couldn't get over the fear.  I was so triggered by it.

Right before last Christmas, I went to a healer in South Florida by the name of Kathi Angeli.  I was more focused that day on dealing not only with all the stress that had happened prior to that visit, but trying to get through Christmas.  I was still trying to get the rash on my foot to heal. What I didn't realize had happened was that I had healed a major block in my life that prevented me from holding hands.  It just happened.  I didn't notice it until I was holding hands and then it dawned on me, that this had changed.

So, back to the night of the thump da thump da thump of the music.  I was struggling to not get so triggered by all of this.  After all, I had just come from an intense day of bodywork where I was more opened up, which meant I was sensing everything to the thousandth degree.

Trying to escape the loud sounds, we headed down Lincoln Road in Miami Beach.  I thought being able to walk down through the open market area in the air of the night would be calmer and more relaxing.  Unfortunately, since all my senses and energy were opened up, it meant I was sensing and picking up everything around me including the people.  People carry so much around with them and when you pick up this type of thing, it can be very overwhelming.

As I tried to find a quiet spot away from people, people kept coming up to me and sitting right next to me.  It was the last thing I needed at the moment.  This often happens after one of these intense days of bodywork. Normally I'm okay with it, but after the triggers of the loud music and surroundings, it was proving to be too difficult.

No matter where I went that night, I couldn't get away from the noise or from people.  In fact, a building down the street had a fire emergency and so the loud speakers on the building was going off alerting everyone in a 10 block radius that there was a problem.  On top of that, the lights on the side of the building were flash strobe lights making it look like a movie from outer space.

Even though we were in the midst of many people, I asked my partner if he would hold my hand.  We walked the rest of the way back down the long street through the people.  Then we walked to an area near the water where we could sit for a moment and try to escape some of the noise triggers.

It was at that moment, that I realized I had calmed down.  It was then that I realized that by holding my partner's hand that I felt connected and not isolated.  I felt like someone was there for me and caring for me, rather than suffering through the trigger alone.  It was then that I surrendered to my fear of holding hands.

No words were really shared to portray this, but just the fact of him holding my hand in a safe way and with pure motives changed how my body reacted.  My body saw there was a different way to react.  It found out that I didn't have to suffer in silence.  Of course, it greatly helps that my partner wasn't trying to do anything but just be there for me as he always is.

For those that have been through hell in their lives, it isn't about someone fixing them or pushing their thoughts upon that person.  It is about someone standing there with them and helping them have the courage and strength to find their way through the hell.  Its about pure and safe love, not a projection of beliefs by someone else as to what constitutes healing or progress.

I'm still weary of someone holding my hands.  It triggers me quickly if I'm not careful.  I'm thankful though that I can at least begin to do this now, because without it that night on Miami Beach, it would have been disastrous. 

When you've been through physical trauma, your body learns not to trust anyone.  In my case, my caregiver was the one violating my body.  If you can't trust the caregiver in your life, how can you trust anyone else?  In the aspect of abuse, trust has been blown to bits and is no longer available.  You have to learn how to do it one piece at a time.

It blew my mind though to realize after the fact, just how much holding my hand did for me.  It changed the entire course of events that night and in my body for the moment.  It allowed me to have something that I had never had before in my life.  Yes, the remnants of the triggers are still there, but the triggers didn't overwhelm me.

I know I'm not the only one that experiences these types of triggers in my body.  I know there are others.  However, I also realize that I went through horrendous abuse and torture.  If it weren't for the courage and fight and determination I have within me to find my way through this, I would not have made it this far.  Yes, I do have special people in my life and I have many angels watching over me.

It has been a long battle and even with the progress I see, I know there are still aspects of the past that I haven't fully healed and integrated back into my life.  I just know that I'm learning more and more tools to help me fully discover all that life has to offer.  I can only guess where my life will continue to go and unfold from this point.

Blog Post And Images (c) 2/10/15 by Don Shetterly

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