I've made great strides in life, but when you're ambushed with one tsunami trigger after another, its hard to keep your head above water, let alone care if you do.
Time and time again, I tried to make sense of my day, my life and the moment I was living in. It felt like a cruel hell had been shoved at me with no way to escape. It was like a moment of all moments for a lifetime of hell and torment. Church people say that when we die, we either go to heaven or hell. For me, I've already lived through hell in my life. I've lived through hell many times over.
Memories still locked in my cells...
I can't imagine things much worse than being hit, beat, emotionally abused, physically abused, sexually raped and molested almost every day of my life. I've been through more than I can consciously recall, but the remnants of those memories never fully leave. They are still locked in parts of my many trillion cells. I'm still working to rid them all.
As the days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, I had to find a way out. I was locked in this prison I had built around myself and somehow I had to find a way through it. I had to find a way beyond it. It was overwhelming to know where to start. It seemed like I would never have the courage to get past it. It felt like there was no way out. It felt to me like there was no hope.
I wasn't about to go on medication because I hate medication and I personally don't think it would have helped me. I didn't tell anyone that I wanted to kill myself almost every day as I knew that would scare people and frighten them. I just held it all inside. It was safer that way.
I knew I had to find a way forward...
I knew that I had to start finding a way forward. I could not continue to stay in the place I was in. I knew I had to find this on my own. It was not something I could expect others to do or rely on them to do for me. For when I reached out, there seemed to be no one reaching back to me. I had to do it, as hard as it was and as much as I didn't believe was possible.
Each day, I started to try and focus on one small little thing I could do. It didn't matter how small or insignificant it was, I knew I had to start focusing on something. Even if it was mundane, I didn't care. Sometimes I knew from the past that the mundane tasks were a way to grab on to the rails in life so I could focus on going forward. I remember doing that after the paralysis. It wasn't about the big steps. It was about the small little tidbits of the big steps that got me healing.
I tried to focus on the little things and if it was only one small thing for the day, I considered that to be a good day. I wasn't interested in how much I could do, but that I could just do something. With any doubts and fears that tried to stop me, I just tried to navigate past them without them noticing. I had no strength to overcome them. It was almost too much to navigate around them.
I kept trying to build upon the previous day if I could and if I could not, then attempting to do one small thing was the accomplishment for the day. Doing something was far more empowering to me, then the quantity or quality or relevance of what it was.
I allowed myself time to rest...
I started to take time to just allow myself to rest and not push myself to do anything I didn't want to do. I stopped going to online places where I felt ignored and unwanted. I stopped worrying as much as I could that if no one called me back, it just didn't matter. It was too much for me to think anyone wanted me at that point. It was more than I could take.
I spent time with my cats, playing and holding them. I spent time just absorbing their love that they had for me. I welcomed their touch and how they licked my hair. I welcomed their meows and other conversations they would have with me. I welcomed their unconditional love. Animals are my connection to life, a life that is not one of use and abuse. Animals are a higher life form in my view.
I began having some email conversations with a couple of people who encouraged me to keep going. One individual that didn't care if we talked about the torment of the day, but just talked about things that were anything but this. It helped to just have a little connection that I could control and regulate and hold back from if I needed to in my day.
A little more each day...
I began to do a little more each day and week that went by. I spent time in my hammock listening to the birds sing in the trees during the early morning hours. I watched the squirrels run and play and scamper back and forth on the fence. I watched the butterflies flutter around from one place to another.
I watched the trees sway from one position to the next as if they were basking in the new sunlight of the morning. They seemed to just take in everything from the light to the wind and breeze. Their leaves began turning from a deadened grey and brown tree to a vibrant green veil of color and beauty.
I began to use the resperate breathing machine not for lowering blood pressure, but helping to get me to breathe. The more I used it, the more I realized just how much it was taking tension from my body. I realized that as I used it, my body was relaxing more and more. Some of the fear and anger were being replaced by a peacefulness. It might have not always lasted long in the day, but just to feel that was empowering and helped me get from one moment to the next.
This continues to Part 4 - posted on 6/26/16 of a four part series.
Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly
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