Saturday, December 17, 2016

Triggered By My Cats

No... don't ...

No pets... don't you understand?

Don't do that.

Please don't do that!

The scenario that played over and over so many times as a kid.  Rarely did my pets ever get to come inside and if they did, I often had to sneak them in.

Well, sneaking means I sneaked them through the front door, but then since we had absolutely no privacy growing up, it was hard to keep it a secret.

Unfortunately, our pets were not used to being inside.  I don't know why they weren't allowed to stay inside, but they weren't.  It didn't matter if the nights were subzero temperatures.  It didn't matter what, they just had to stay outside.

The monster would be after them...

Most of them weren't used to letting me know they had to go outside to go to the bathroom.  They made a mess from time to time and of course, when they did - the monster would be after them.

I would see their little heads and faces ground down into the carpet into the mess they made.  The monster would show them once and for all never to do this again.  He'd throw a fit.  He'd make them learn.

I would watch in terror, wanting to rescue them but not able to do a thing.  You didn't dare lift a finger or raise a voice to the monster.  He would lay you flat on the ground and beat you until you could no longer feel a thing.  There was nothing you could do to stop the torture. You had to watch it and hear it and silently cry within.

If the monster got real mad...

If the monster got real mad, he'd pick up the cat, open the door and toss it up in the air.  The cat would go sailing in the sky and somehow land and run away.  I would cringe every time I saw this.  My heart would skip a beat.  I would hold my breath in terror.

And if the monster got real real mad, he'd just kill them.  He'd find a way to drown them in a gunny sack in a river or crush them or whatever method he deemed appropriate.  There was no stopping the judge and executioner.  I was powerless to stop him and I still hate myself to this day for that.  Yet, I was a small child.

I still remember doing the dishes as he shut my little kittens in the cellar door.  They had just been born recently.  I loved the grey one and the charcoal color one.  I had started to name them.  One was smokey.  I would sing to him, "On top of old smokey".  Yet, the monster killed them.

I instinctively knew what happened...

I heard the sounds.  I heard their little meows and screams.  The monster went outside pretending he needed something from the cellar.  Then the screams and meows increased.  The door slammed.  The meows stopped.  I instinctively knew what happened.

I started crying trying to wash the dishes.  As the monster stepped back inside, I was told to grow up and not be a cry baby.  I was told that it was a mistake.  I was given a half fake explanation as to what happened backed up by the monster's lover.

No more did little smokey get to play and listen to me sing.  No more did the Charcoal and the little kittens have a chance at a life.  No more were my new little friends to be around me.

So, when my cats did something wrong, I would be frightened that they would be killed too.  The monster was merciless.  He didn't care.  In fact, the more the kittens showed me they loved me, the more likely it was that he would take them away.

Hoped the monster didn't find out...

I cringed when they did something wrong for I had to hide it and hope the monster didn't find out.  Hardly was I ever successful.  I often failed the cats and pets.

As a kid I watched the movie, The Planet Of the Apes.  It scared the daylights out of me.  However, I found myself hoping and dreaming that the cats and dogs of this world would rise up and rule the humans.  I wished and hoped and prayed that they would claw the eyes of the humans out and cause as much pain and harm to them as they did my own pets.

It never happened.  I still live with those sounds.  I still live with those images.  I cannot erase them from my mind.  They haunt me with every breath I take.

http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/2014/07/dear-pets-im-sorry-i-failed.html

Today, I got triggered.  Today, the trigger got the best of me.  It turned into anger and a rage directed at no one, but at everyone.  Today, I failed once again.

I know one thing, if anyone ever tries to harm my pets, they or I will most likely not be alive.  I will not allow anyone to harm them.  They mean more to me than my own life.  Animals rank higher in life than my own self.  They always have.

I can still hear their screams.

I wish I could have protected them.

I wish I would not have failed so many times.


#Triggers





Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly
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