The Flashbacks Wipe Me Out

I've come a long way in my healing.  I've leaped over mountains.  I've not only survived what was done to me, but I have thrived and I'm conquering new worlds.  Yet, the flashbacks come up every now and then and wipe me out.

The feelings are the first to show up for the flashbacks.  Then it progresses to the hint of the images.  Next the images start to take a shape, and a larger view of what they are follows.

The night time becomes an exercise to convince my eyes that it is okay to close them for a few hours.  I try to coax my brain into turning off long enough to get some rest.  It becomes a tug-of-war, and who wins is anyone's guess.  The winner result will be known when the sun comes up.

As the images, thoughts, feelings, and sensations come on, my mind works feverishly to hide from them.  In this stage, I despise them.  I hate them.  I abhor them.  How dare they sneak into my conscious thought!  How dare they!

At times, I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, not sure what to think or what I'm seeing.  At times, I just sit there bewildered and caught off guard as if my thoughts are a million light years away.

My mind tries to rationalize the flashbacks as if there was some way to make sense of them.  There is no way these images are real, I scream violently back to them.  There is no way this could have happened.  "Are you so stupid that you would think they would," I chastise myself.

Yet, myself laughs at the ridiculousness of my aversion to the flashbacks.  It knows more than I see and sees more than I know.  Yet I'm not about to give up the control.  I'm not about to hand over the keys to something I don't know exists.  No way - no how!

Then I read an article in the paper about some father sexually abusing and torturing his 7 year old daughter.  My eyes turn to rage.  I want to make that father suffer as much as he made his 7 year old daughter suffer.  For I know that this will forever change her and it will be something she has to deal with for the rest of her life.  I try to silence my rage and anger, for they will lead me down a path that will not be good.  I can only hope they lock him up for good, but I know all too well, that often the child abusers get very little punishment if at all.

The flashbacks don't stop.

The flashbacks continue.

At times, my body feels like a wrung-out wash cloth ready to be tossed into the garbage.

At times my body feels like an exhausted mess of muscles, tissues and cells all frustrated with another episode of flashbacks that I have to deal with in my life.

This is what my life becomes at times.  This is the horrible world of flashbacks that I live with from all the abuse and torture that was done to me as a kid.  I struggle to write those words because what child would even think a family member could do anything bad to them.  "How dare the child think this?" I scream at myself!  It is hard to accept.

The images aren't pretty.  It isn't only my mind that remembers.  It is the physical reactions I can see in my legs and across my skin.  It is the shivering one minute, followed by heat and sweating the next.  It is the rash that shows up.  It is the burning that I feel one minute, followed by nothing the next.

Some days I wonder if I've gone crazy.  Some days I am so tired of dealing with flashbacks that I despise the air I breathe.  Some days, I just don't feel strong enough to face them.

Yet, I know - that this too shall pass.  One of these days, things will calm down.  Yes, I know, I've got more to work through in my life and when I get through these things, there will be greater peace.

Today, that all seems like a dream.

Today, I will hold on to that dream.

Today, I feel wiped out.

(From my journal on 6/22/17)

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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The Aftermath Of Flashback Memories

I have been struggling lately.  When those flashback memories surface, it is all I can do to hang on.  The aftermath of these can make life pretty rough and some days, it gets rougher than I can even imagine.

Flashback memories are not fun.  If you've been through traumatic experiences, war, torture or child sexual abuse, you know full well just how tough this can get.  They will about take you under and leave you huddle in a corner begging for mercy.

I've been through more than my share of trauma and child abuse and torture in life.  I'm not sure how I survived.  Most days I do pretty well as I've spent considerable work to try and heal my life from all that I endured.  Most days go by and I'm fine, but lately it has been anything but normal.

Last week, I finally sat down and tried to write about what was going on.  My intent was to publish it, but at this moment, I cannot bring myself to do it.  In fact, I had not read what I had written until yesterday and it was too much. It was too intense.  It about took me under.

I could feel the anger...

I could feel the anger and heat and anxiety rise within me.  I could feel the shame and despair.  I was angry, but hurt.  I wanted to cry, but felt too weak.  I finally shared it with someone I trust but even that was almost too much.

For now, it is shelved and filed.  I'm not sure I want anyone to read it at this moment.  I feel horrified and embarrassed at something that happened to me a long time ago.  For now, it will remain hidden.  I just can't bring myself to share it with anyone.

Struggled with pain in my back...

This morning and last night, I struggled with pain in my upper back, shoulder and neck.  I felt it and I know its connected to what I wrote.  It feels like a big keg of dynamite sitting in my shoulder, neck and arm full of emotional anger.  It feels like I could just break down and cry, but I can't.  It feels like I could punch my hand through someone, but I won't.  It's like dynamite, ready to explode.

Yes, I'll go get some healing bodywork done on me to release it, but right at this moment, the physical pain is intense.  I feel such a sadness to what I experience.  I feel like a thousand years of emotional pain is built up inside.

If this one area of my body could completely heal from all the physical flashback memories, life would be so much different.  Yet, it took me many years for this flashback memory to surface.  It is not an overnight - forgive and let go process like too many make it out to be.

My body has been through a lot.  How I've survived all these years, I'll never know.  I've made it and as one person told me, I turned out pretty good.  Not all have that same good fortune.  Some never make it.  Some get pulled under.

Flashback memories are hell to live through and they keep the suffering going for a long time after the event happened.  Thankfully, I've found someone and a form of bodywork called "Unified Therapy" with Dr. Paul Canali that has helped me find greater peace with my past and my body.  It is still an ongoing process and one that has gotten better.  Unfortunately in times like this, it tries to take me down.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Flashbacks Of Trauma

If you've been through traumatic experiences in your life, then what I'm writing here probably will not be anything new.  Flashbacks are not fun.  Flashbacks suck.  Flashbacks pop up in life when you least expect them and they try hard to kick your butt.

I have personally done a lot of work to get past this stuff, but every now and then when certain triggers of life hit, they come on like the rushing water of a flooding river that just burst through a dam.

For a long time, purple was the color that left me hiding and whimpering in the corner.  It took years to fully understand what the purple represented and when I did, I almost put my fist through my front door.  Yes, the memory was horrible.

There were times that I got flashbacks of pains in my body such as a swollen face in the middle of the night.  It would actually feel like someone had just hit me.  It would swell up so much that I would have to take medications and put ice on it to get the swelling to go down.  This would happen in the middle of the night when I was asleep.

Flashbacks Of Purple

I was reading about Marilyn in "The Body Keeps The score" by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk.  In one section he talks about one of his patients, Marilyn, who had flashbacks of the wallpaper in her childhood bedroom.  At one point, Marilyn finally realized that the wallpaper was what she focused on when her father raped her.

In my own recovery, I remember something very similar and while it is eerie to read these accounts, it also brings solace and confirmation.  When a child abuse survivor goes through these things, you feel crazy that you have flashbacks of things that most would consider normal.  In my case, it was purple.

For a long time, I didn't know what that was.  I just knew that in the middle of the night and even at any time during the day or night, I would be frightened beyond belief of the color purple.  It made no sense.  I had no recollection of why the flashbacks of purple were haunting me.

If you want to know more about why "purple" was so haunting to me, you can read about it in my book, Hope And Possibility Through Trauma, on page 10.

Trauma and the Stress Response

According to the article, "The Biological Response to Psychic Trauma", through arousal, the body responds to increased phsyical or psychological demands by releasing norepinephrine (NE) and adrenorcorticotrophin (ACTH). Both of these hormones play a major role in the release of corticotrophin releasing factor (CRF). The hypothalamus also secretes throxin releasing hormone (TRH) which activates the secretion of Thyroid Stimulating Hormone, CRF and vasopressin.

Of course, I could keep going on and on with all the hormones that are released because of the arousal process by the body to some stimuli of fear. But as you can see and if you read the article in detail, there is a lot that happens when we are introduced to something that brings the fear up in us. It is biological and is just not all in your head.

As the article goes on to state, these hormones help the body mobilize the energy it needs to deal with the stimuli or fear that it is receiving. Biological functions such as increased glucose release to power the cells to increasing the immune function of the body as a way of protecting us when under stress, all occur in these situations. In a well functioning body, stress produces rapid responses of hormones but if chronic stress persists all the time, than the response to stress is less than effective. Prolonged durations of chronic stress desensitize the body and hormones are not secreted or produced in the levels they are needed nor at the pace which they are needed.

Here are some findings from the article about PTSD and Hormone Levels

Abnormalities of the these hormone systems in the body are often found in patients with PTSD.

Increased 24 hour norepinephrine and epinephrine secretions with PTSD veterans compared to patients with other psychiatric diagnoses.

One study showed blunted ACTH response to CRH stimulation

Found that the severity of PTSD was directly related to baseline cortisol level.

Prolonged duration of stress is not just a function of the hormones that are released but the capacity of the individual to deal with the stress and manage arousal.

Severe chronic stress in animals results in a physiological state which resembles dependence on high levels of exogenous opioids.

Because fear activates the opioid peptides, the body can become conditioned to future stressors and to events that would normally not be considered stressful - psychic numbing.

Because of psychic numbing, there is a correlation between PTSD (trauma) and self mutilation. People who engage in self mutilation often have a history of severe childhood trauma.

One of the hallmarks of PTSD is the intrusive re-experiencing of elements of the trauma in nightmares, flashbacks or somatic reactions which seem to be triggered by autonomic arousal.

Chronic sleep problems are often found in people with PTSD due to chronic hyperarousal. Studies have shown increased sleep latency, more awakening, less total sleep time and less REM time.

In a study, it was found that post traumatic nightmares occur during any stage of the sleep cycle and most tend to occur during 2 and 3 am during Stage 2 or Stage 3 sleep (possibly during the transition to REM sleep). When a patient reported the nightmares during stage 2 or 3, it was the exact reliving of the traumatic experiences but if it was in REM, the nightmares were more likely anxiety filled dreams.

Traumatic experiences have demonstrated an increase in symptoms of respiratory, digestive, cardiovascular and endocrine systems in people with PTSD.

As you can see, this is just the tip of the iceberg in the research that has been done with respect to trauma and PTSD. If any of what I have quoted in this blog post interests you, I would urge you to read the entire article referenced below. Bessel Van Der Kolk and his associates and colleagues are some of the pioneers in how trauma affects the body in biological ways. This isn't pie in the sky concepts. It is real and anyone who has been through trauma knows just how real it is.

We are very much influenced and impacted by events in our past or by repeated durations of chronic stress. Yes, there are varying degrees to these different stressors but they affect us biologically. All too often, we go through our lives trying to run from them and trying not to acknowledge these things. That is understandable because it is not an easy thing to deal with past trauma and heal from it. It takes work and it takes the safety and support of those who understand how to help an individual heal. It takes a great deal of patience both for the person who is traumatized and the support network working with that person.

However, if traumatized people continue to avoid their past, it will catch up to them in some way. Whether it is through a medical condition of a body that is so overwhelmed or whether it is through some form of acting out that brings you front and center with a past you are trying to forget, trauma will catch up with you. Those who have been through trauma, understand this from a very instinctual level but often they have learned to cover the trauma up, avoid it and act as if everything is ok. All the time though, these traumatized individuals know that this is far from the truth.

It is important to note, that traumatized people need to know is that whatever they have gone through in their lives, they are not alone. Others have walked in those same shoes and are healing in astounding ways from it. There is hope. Yes, healing can be difficult but the other side of it can be so beautiful and provide so much more joy to life than most can ever imagine.

While you may not understand what you need to do in order to heal from it, the first step is beginning to acknowledge that something happened and that you need to begin the process. The process will unfold as it needs to, if you allow it to and if you find a person that is safe, trustworthy and fully understands the path which you walk. You don't have to know all the answers and you don't have to heal it all in the shortest amount of time possible, but in order to heal, you have to take the step into the unknown. When you take the step, you will be surprised and amazed at all there is out there for you and for your life.

Source Of Information:
Reference: http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk2/
Anxiety Research (U.K.), Volume 4: Pages 199-212
The Biological Response to Psychic Trauma: Mechanisms and Treatment Of Intrusion and Numbing



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