My Stroke Of Insight Book Review

My Stroke Of Insight
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor

I've just found a favorite new book! This book is My Stroke Of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor. I had not heard about Dr. Taylor until I saw her being interviewed by Oprah on OWN. When I heard what she had to say, I just had to get the book and I am sure glad that I did. It is an outstanding book in so many ways.

While My Stroke Of Insight is written by a stroke survivor, the application of this book fits into so many other places. I didn't go through a stroke, but I suffered paralysis from a conversion disorder. Much of what Dr. Taylor writes about, resonates highly with what I experienced. In fact, as I was reading through the book, there were some of those ah ha moments that made me take notice.

I'm amazed at just how resilient our brain is and how the different parts of the brain work together to give us life and the experiences we have. All too often we don't appreciate our brain enough for all that it does. We only get one of these biological organs and we need to take care of it.

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 4

Note:  This is part 4 of a 4 part series.  Read Part 3, first.

In many ways, the shaking and trembling is healing to most but for me it is like being re-traumatized again.  It is a connection to the fear, rather than an empowerment from the fear.  It is a handshake with the unimaginable, rather than the hope of freedom. 

All my life, I have encountered situations that were more than most people could endure.  I’ve tried to fight the good fight but when you are up against overwhelming odds, the strength in you is like a ghost hiding in the dark.  I question how all of this will come together for me and I am at a moment currently where I am resting from all of it.  It became too difficult to continue and my body and mind just need rest. 

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 3

Note:  This is part 3 of a 4 part series.  Read Part 2, first.

As I write this, I feel the room becoming very warm, the fear rising up within me and it is extremely difficult to write these words.  The emotional charge that goes with them is very intense even after all these years.  It is time for a break.  I’ll be back soon.

For me though, the shaking and trembling seems to happen easily and like it is on cue from the conductor.  My body and mind check out easily though and by that I mean I can be physically present with all that is going on, experience the shaking and trembling and fear, but not be present in my mind.  I do this well and I have done this all my life.  It became my escape mechanism when the horrible trauma was taking place and it is now my coping mechanism.

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 2

Note:  This is part 2 of a 4 part series.  Read Part 1, first.

It was not that long ago that I found a video on YouTube of someone who was suffering through a conversion disorder.  When I saw that video, I immediately began to cry.  I wasn’t crying for the girl in the video as much as I was crying for myself.  For this video instantly brought up within me, a connection to these horrendous moments of fear, I faced many years ago.  It was a connection to my body and mind of the trauma that I was dealing with from my past as well as these specific moments of early days of paralysis.

To this moment, I cannot even think about the video without tears welling up in my eyes.  It is such a strong connection for me because if you have been through this, you will understand completely.  There is no moment of peace for someone enduring this condition and there is no one that can tell you when these moments will stop.  You are sailing in a big vast ocean all alone on a small life raft and getting tossed and turned in every way possible.

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 1

Note:  This is part 1 of a 4 part series.

Shake, rattle and roll is good if you’re on a dance floor, but when it is everyday life, you might have a different perspective.  Several years ago, I went through a horrible experience called a conversion disorder.  A conversion disorder is when you convert stress and/or trauma in your life into your mind and body.  Conversion disorders generally affect your movement or senses and can cause paralysis.

In the early stages of my experience, the doctors did not know what to do with me.  One thought it was Multiple Sclerosis and another doctor put me on some steroidal medication that caused some horrific reactions.  Others were so confused that they would order test after test, only to send me home as there were no conclusive results.  It didn’t matter that I could not take care of my basic needs or get around my apartment and function in a normal manner.

Conversion Disorder by the Mayo Clinic on CNN Health

I saw this posted on CNN.com about conversion disorders with the source of the information being the Mayo Clinic. The link to the article is CNN-Conversion Disorders.

Since I know first hand what a conversion disorder is, I wanted to spread some information along. All too often, no one really understands what this is, let alone that it can be treated successfully. Complete loss of your physical body in a conversion disorder is a rare condition but I believe there are people out there that are living with this condition rather than truly healing from it. So many times the medical doctors do not understand this and so a patient is left to struggle through this situation which is itself a traumatic experience.

A conversion disorder is when psychological stress or trauma becomes manifested physically in the body. Movement or senses are often affected with sometimes paralysis, blindness or difficultly swallowing being the results. While symptoms of conversion disorders can be severe, people often recover within a few weeks.

Conversion disorders are usually caused by some underlying stress or traumatic incident. Trauma can exist within the body for years and when the right switch is flipped in the person's life (like another experience connecting back to the original trauma), then the body begins to shut down. The current experience may have absolutely no resemblance to what happened in the original trauma but just one part of it that connects the subconscious mind with the trauma can lead to a conversion disorder.

There is much more to a conversion disorder that you can read about on the CNN page link above.

For me, I went through a conversion disorder in 1991. It took several doctors, test and more tests and trips to the hospital, an MRI, more doctors, an ambulance ride and many unnerving moments of despair to figure out what was wrong with me. I was misdiagnosed at first with MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and while the xrays and initial testing showed that this was what I had, the doctors were too narrow in viewing their diagnosis. It was several weeks before I finally got referred to a neurologist.

When the neurologist first examined me, she had the curious look on her face wondering what was going on with me. She decided to admit me to the hospital and run further tests. Up until that point, each doctor was sending me home because there was nothing they could do for me. Yet, I could not take care of myself because I could not walk and I could barely move, eat or function. I never did understand why the doctors kept sending me home instead of admitting me to the hospital because if someone is not able to physically take care of themselves and function, is that not what a hospital is for?

After all the tests were completed and I had a near death experience (or however one would state this), the neurologist came into the room and asked me one simple question that forever changed my life. She asked me if I had anything bad happen to me and if I needed to talk about it. Of course, I don't exactly remember the words she used to ask the question but I replied in my slow and difficult speech, that yes, I needed to talk to someone.

She set me up with a psychiatrist and that first day I talked to him was the first day I was able to take a step. To me, it was no coincidence, that these two things happened together. As I began to talk a little more, I soon found myself able to walk to the bathroom, than out the door of my hospital room than down the hall several feet.

I did spend several weeks going through intense counseling in a psychiatric hospital which greatly helped me and gave me the time to rest and relax. While that was not easy to do, I had really not recalled all the trauma and abuse I had went through in my life. These things would come at a much later time where I would spend considerable time healing through these experiences in counseling.

However, I did not fully begin to heal my body from the trauma and even the experience of the conversion disorder until I met Dr. Paul Canali in 2003. When I first heard him talk about the impact trauma has on a body, I knew first hand he was talking a language my mind and my body understood. He was the first person that helped me understand what had happened to me in the conversion disorder. Up until that point, I had truly been in the dark about this condition. Since that first introduction, I have healed in ways I never thought were possible. I no longer fear a conversion disorder and I no longer live in daily fear of my body shutting down on me. However, to say that I never think about my body shutting down would be a lie because once your body has failed you in a conversion disorder, there is an altered sense of awareness and fear that you hold. The thing is, I don't live in daily fear of that because I know there is a way through it, if my body tries to shut down. Through the healing I've gone through, I don't experience the shut down symptoms like were once normal for me.

If you saw me today, you would not have any idea that I went through the conversion disorder and almost breathed my last breath. You would not realize that I had been paralyzed with almost no feeling in my body and that my memory had went away. There would be no way for you tell that my speech was almost non existent and that I suffered through convulsions, depression, anxiety and suicide. Life is completely different for me and each day I'm learning how to recover more and more of my body and my memory.

About The Picture:
The above picture was taking of me in the early stages of the paralysis. I could still sit up from time to time but I grew exhausted easily and spent considerable time sleeping. If I wasn't awake and sitting up, I was dealing with convulsions and trembling and shaking. In that picture, just holding up the balloon was a difficult thing for me.


Further Reading:
1) Conversion (Somatoform) Disorder (Blog Post 11/09/10)
2) When Life Fell Apart (Blog Post 7/31/09)
3) Hope And Possibility Through Trauma - Book By Don Shetterly
4) Recovery From A Conversion Disorder (Blog Post 7/11/11)



Blog Post & Images (c) 2/3/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Conversion (Somatoform) Disorder

If you read my book or some of the blog entries I have posted about, you will quickly see that I personally suffered from a conversion disorder. There are many names for it which include hysterical paralysis or a more common term of somatoform disorder. For me, the situation turned into complete paralysis with loss of speech, feeling, sensitivity and brain function including seizures.

At the time, I did not think there was any way through this and it seemed hopeless. I experienced the seizures and a feeling of being so tired that I could barely stay awake for any length of time. Test after test was done and at first they diagnosed it as MS (Multiple Sclerosis). Imagine being 26 years old and told you have MS. I was not prepared to hear that and I'm sure no one is every prepared to deal with the trauma that a diagnosis such as Multiple Sclerosis. In those days, there was no internet and so even though I knew very little about MS, I knew it was not good.

As with most episodes of a conversion disorder (somatoform disorder), there is usually some underlying trauma and then when a certain trigger or switch is thrown, the two events collide to bring about conditions which are not easily diagnosed. I often explain it to people that it is like an electrical circuit in a house. If you start putting to many items on a circuit and then turn start turning them on, at some point they will flip the breaker. The same thing happens to our body where we continue to put one stress and trauma on after another. It builds up and something in the body ends up breaking or giving way to a shut down. The nervous system if not properly tuned up can only handle so much before it says - that's it - I'm outta here!

Unfortunately, all too often somatoform disorders are misdiagnosed by well intentioned specialists. I think back to the days when I was going through this and each doctor would run test after test to trying to explain what was going on. Early tests indicated Multiple Sclerosis but after I was started on a drug treatment (which was some type of steroid medication), my body had a severe reaction to it and started in with seizures and violent trembling and shaking throughout my body. After weeks of MRI's, blood work, a trip to the Hospital Emergency Room by ambulance, most of the doctors were giving up. Each time, I would be sent home with no explanation of why things were happening. Each time, friends would have to help lift me in and out of a car and carry me into my apartment as I could do none of this for myself. I could not care for myself during this time, yet no doctor or emergency room would admit me to the hospital.

Fortunately, some doctor got me in touch with a neurologist. It did not take long for the neurologist to begin questioning the tests that had already been done on me. She was the wise one that began to ask the questions and put things together that there was something behind all of this and it was not physical. Once she had me meet with a psychiatrist and as I began talking to the psychiatrist, I took my first steps that day. That was the beginning of my recovery. It was not an easy road and it took great will power and determination to keep going when all seemed hopeless for me physically.

Back then, I was not aware of the work that Dr. Paul Canali, D.C. was doing with trauma healing. In fact, I didn't even truly understand what a conversion disorder was at the time and it took some time before the doctors even told me this was what happened. It is a very rare condition but I know there are more out there that go through this. I have found there is healing from this and from the trauma that I suffered. I also learned that to heal the trauma in my life, I needed to go in and touch the depths of it which were located within my body and my mind. It was through that connection that I really found my way through deep healing and started to reclaim my life.

There really is hope for someone if they are experiencing this situation in their life. No one needs to go through what I went through because tests and medications are not going to heal it in the end. When I first met Dr. Canali and began listening to what he was talking about, the concepts were foreign to me. You don't hear these things talked about in our every day world. However, my body knew without a doubt that what he was saying was exactly what had taken place in my life. My body also realized that he had discovered some of the answers that I had longed to find in my life. Through his work, I have changed completely from what I used to be and I have begun to discover just who I am and what I am made of. My physical ailments from depression, anxiety, migraine headaches, stomach ulcers, stiff necks, muscle tension, anger, despair, and the list goes on - these things are no longer in power over me. I have found freedom from them by finding the necessary tools within myself to move through all that comes up in my life.

Further Reading

1. Autonomic Nervous System by Dr. Paul Canali
   
   
2. Hope And Possibility Through Trauma by Don Shetterly
   

(Copyright 11/08/10 - Use by permission only)

Hope & Possibility Through Trauma - My Story Excerpt

My Story (To Be Continued), page 6

This is an excerpt from my new book, Hope And Possibility Through Trauma.

It all started on a warm, sunny, late summer day. The horrendous events leading up to this time would forever change my life! These events were not just what had happened in the previous couple of months, but also things that had happened a long time ago in my life. However, the more recent events played such a key role in what would happen this day.

Sitting through the church service was excruciating; not for what the preacher said, but because my back hurt with extreme pain. It was more pain than anyone could ever imagine. I sat there during the church service just hoping that it would go away. A couple of Tylenol, which normally stopped the pain, did not have one ounce of effect on me that day.

So when I finally got home after avoiding so many of my friends, giving an excuse of having so many things to get done, I left church and went home to take a nap. I was so tired.

Little did I realize, this nap would be a life-changing point, after which no day would be the same as before. For once I shut my eyes, a new world was rotated into view: a world that was nothing I had ever known or experienced before.

Upon waking up from my restful nap, I felt somewhat refreshed. Even as this feeling felt good, I realized that I had wasted so much time that day. There was too much to do and accomplish for me to be taking a nap that afternoon. As I sprang to my feet, something unexpectedly terrible happened! The pain was gone from my back, but surprisingly, so was the strength in my legs.

Lying on the floor in a very stunned state of mind, I pulled myself back up to the couch. Not being one to give up, I once again sprang to my feet, although just a little slower this time, thinking that I had not completely awakened. Once again, THUD! I dropped to the floor!

To read more, see the rest of my story in my new book, Hope And Possibility Through Trauma.

(c) Don Shetterly, Hope And Possibility Through Trauma

Highlights Of Our Life

Have you ever sat down and listed the highlights of your life? If you have not done this, it may be an exercise that you wish to do. In many ways, doing this helps you really see things that you might easily forget or minimize. Especially if you are going through a difficult time in your life, this can help even up the balance scale.

You don't have to make the exercise elaborate. Just find a quiet place and begin listing on a piece of paper, the highlights of your life. While there may be some very negative moments, try to focus on the positive outcome of those times. Give yourself something to show that you really gained and learned from the experience.

When you get done, look back over your list and notice what you have recorded? Does it show much more than you thought it would? Is it different than what you often see your current life? Was this exercise difficult or were there very few things you could write down? Be honest with yourself in answering these questions and allow this exercise to help expand the awareness of your life.

If you want to see what I wrote, I'll share my life on here. I did this on the day of my birthday to mark that day in my life. Please note that I have included some links to various resources that help to mark each of these moments. The highlighted link on each specific word should be visible in the list.

1. Played the piano
2. Raised animals with love
3. Tried to be honest in everything I do
4. Been there for others
5. Created relaxing music from the heart
6. Painted mindful paintings
7. Faced the odds in life
8. Learned so much
9. Evolved in awareness
10. Came back from paralysis
11. Enjoyed the sunsets
12. Taken chances & risks
13. Came back from nothing
14. Writing for a blog
15. Writing for a newsletter
16. Learned to cook creatively
17. Changed and adapted
18. Learned new computer skills
19. Learned massage & became licensed
20. Awakened to my true calling
21. Appreciated nature
22. Learned to love someone
23. Learned to accept myself
24. Dealing with anger
25. Rid the daily headaches, migraines
26. No more nervous stomachs
27. Found my memory again
28. Went through anxiety
29. Went through depression
30. Survived suicide
31. I am a highly sensitive person
32. Connecting with angels
33. Church no longer rules me
34. Conquered many fears
35. Loved some cats
36. Held my life out as a light for others
37. Came back from losing it all
38. Sponsored two children (Children Intl)
39. Made some wonderful friends
40. See more possibility than despair
41. Recognize my short comings
42. Allow myself to make mistakes
43. Recognizing my strengths
44. Faced my courage inside
45. Trusted my instincts
46. Lived in a big city
47. Allowed myself to love who I want
48. Learned I can do more than I realize
49. Changed so much in life
50. I can make it without family
51. I’m compassionate
52. I see through the lies
53. I’ve learned to love life
54. Learned to enjoy life
55. Writing a book
56. Pulse rate dropped from 99
57. Healed from itching

As you can see from my list, there are many different aspects of my life. Many of these things were difficult to go through when they took place, but looking back now, I get to see an entirely different perspective. Sometimes we do need to focus on the negative in our lives because that is where we are at. Sometimes we need to kick and scream and yell because that is the power that moves us forward. It is in these times, that we truly find ourselves. With these allowing ourselves to kick and scream, we would miss an important part of our healing.

May you discover something new about yourself as you list the highlights of your own life. If this exercise gives you one glimpse of something you have not seen, than it was worth the time and effort. Let it be a window into your soul and a door to your future!

*Read other articles on Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Sweep It Under The Rug

If you sweep the dirt under the rug, it doesn't mean you've swept the floor.

One of the things that I am passionate about in life is exposing the secrets that we learned growing up and the secrets that we harbor as we get older. We all do it for one reason or another. Part of it is human nature and part of it is our coping mechanism in life. If you are reading this and don't think you push things under the rug, please begin watching this in yourself from the observer view point instead of through your own eyes.

Of course, I know that many of us have been through many experiences in our lives. Sometimes we wish to remember them and often times we want to forget them. It gives us a temporary high, a temporary feel good type of feeling if we just forget them and try to put them outside of our view. However, if we attempt to do this, it does not get rid of that which we don't want to see. It only puts it out of our immediate view.

Why humans continue to do this, I don't completely understand. Of course, I did it for many years. Hoping that with time and thinking positive thoughts and just trying to avoid it all, things would just all be zippidy doo dah happy go lucky! I tried for years to just avoid it through various ways and means. And for many years, I successfully just blocked it out but that doesn't mean it was gone! No sir! It was still there just like it was before. It wasn't until life almost came to a final farewell for me that I had to make a choice. The only choice I had in those last few moments was either to continue hiding from all the crap in my life or to open my eyes and begin to deal with it.

Granted, it is easier to just hide from it and shove it down under the rug far from view or so we THINK it is. In all reality though, the energy that it takes to do this robs us from so much in our lives that we can not even see in the moment we make that choice. It robs us of fully being human and being all that we can be. If we allow it to hide from our view, it will eventually come to terms with us. We can not escape it forever because it will catch up with us in one way or another.

I'm not making this up because I know first hand what it does to your physical body. Many walk around with these things each and every day of their lives oblivious to the fact. There is freedom from it but it requires courage to face it, not fear to run away.

One of the things that I have been confronted with all my life is that when I know something is true and I try to share it, write about it or say it; there are people who feel I need to stay silent. Of course it is not stated that way. They are well intentioned people and they mean well, but the effect of their words and actions are not positive. Frankly, I could do without them for the most part. And yet, it continues to take place, time and time again. If I earned a dollar for every time, I was pushed to stay silent, I'd be a billionaire by now.

How do people request me to be silent? This happens by making sure that they tell me to think happy, positive thoughts and just move on with life. They want me to think about all the good in life, and none of that which I've been through. They want me to focus on pretty, happy things while ignoring what is currently going on. I even see people write about this on a daily basis claiming that you can just change your thoughts and outlook and poof, all of this will be magically better. I agree that positive thinking and changing your thoughts does go a long ways, but there are much deeper things at play than this.

Of course, I know that if I write, or talk about those things that have caused intense pain from my past, that it is going to make people reading it that connect with the words, feel uneasy. They would rather not be reunited with those thoughts because there is still a strong source of pain from those experiences. There is so much fear locked up within these events that by shedding any lights whatsoever on them, the monsters appear in attack form. I can understand all of this but continuing to hide from that which is able to help someone grow and release these things, is beyond my comprehension.

I've seen with my own eyes in my own physical body, just how much the body and the subconscious mind holds. It is through the fear that is locked within those events that we try to stay disconnected from them. I've witnessed this in others more times than I can even begin to remember. And yet, the energy that is driven by the fears of these events is forever robbing us of being as human as we can be and it is robbing us of our complete and perfect health, physically in our body, our mind and our spirit. There is so much more that so many of us do not realize is possible in this world and yet, when we let the fear (even if we don't realize we're doing this) consume us, we are not being all that we are intended to be.

When I was laying in the hospital bed at 25 years of age wondering if I would ever walk again, talk again, sit up in a bed or be able to function as a normal human being, it changed my life completely. Myself nor the doctors understood how to treat this and it was many weeks before I even knew the name they put on the condition, which was called a conversion disorder or hysterical paralysis. I wondered how I would ever over come this and all I knew was that in order to do it, I had to have the desire to do this. The path ahead for me was unclear and I learned then that I could only take it one step at a time, literally. I had no clue how to talk better, walk more than two steps or even sit up in bed. I had no clue how to get my memory back past knowing my first name. I had no clue how to get beyond where I was at in life.

The thing I did know was that as I began talking about things, life began to change and I began to walk my first steps once again. As I began to go deeper and uncover more, I gained more of my physical body back. Sure, there were tough times and times that I almost wanted to give up but I knew that if I did not keep going, my life would most likely come to an end. I had been given another chance at life and believe me, I was not going to throw this one away.

For much of my life, I have had to stand on my own against all odds and without anyone being my support and backing. There were times that I knew things but no one could corroborate or help prove that which I knew. There were times that I learned things that no one I knew could even begin to understand. Fortunately, I met some people that have helped give credibility to what I know and what I've learned. As hard as it may get, sometimes I know that I do have to stand alone and apart from most of the world. What I know to be true is not something I read in a book or something someone told me. It is what I have experienced first hand. It is what guides me further into my own healing and discovery. For that, I will never apologize if my passion runs high. I do not wish to run and hide from that which I am or all I am trying to become.

So when I write, it is often that I write out of discovery and from my own processing of events current and past. It is my way of learning that I share with the world, hoping that someone out there begins to connect and understand what it is that I'm trying to share. When I write from my heart and experiences, it isn't that I want to make anyone feel uncomfortable because I usually try to write from what I have personally experienced. If someone finds what I write to be in disagreement with what they believe or feel, my only request is that you will question it within yourself until you either find a home for some part of it or you dismiss it because it has no place. However, if what I write invokes a strong reaction in you, please don't dismiss that but look at it through the observers viewpoint and see what you may learn from what I am writing.

We are all more than we currently are aware of and the fears of the old often hold us back. More times than not, we can not even clearly see and identify the fears but they are there. Let each one of us have the courage to go in and face the fears with the knowing that as we do this, we will be reclaiming so much more of ourselves and offering ourselves much more freedom and choice in the days ahead. That is my hope for everyone that reads anything I write or hears anything I say. There is nothing more higher in life than the true discovery of ourselves as we shine the light of truth into every nook and cranny of our lives.


*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Symptoms Of Fear

While this is not an exhaustive list of what you may see or experience with the emotion of fear, it includes many symptoms. Fear of course shows up in different ways for different people based upon their own life experiences and the current stimuli they are facing. Some people may be more aggressive and others may be paralyzed from the fear.

For me, fear often paralyzes and immobilizes me. In fact at one time, I was completely paralyzed by fear. The condition of course is termed a "conversion disorder" or hysterical paralysis. When I get very stressed and the fears get high, one of the things I quickly notice is that my legs become difficult to move and feel as if I am dragging around lead weights.

Fear is part of the sympathetic nervous system which plays a major role in the fight or flight response. Hopefully after the fear has passed, our bodies return to a more restful and relaxed state through the parasympathetic nervous system.

Please feel free to leave a comment with other signs of fear that I may have missed and I will edit this post to include them.

Physical Signs Of Fear
- Wide Eyes
- Raised Eyebrows
- Flared Nostrils
- Clenched Mouth
- Larger personal space
- Slouching or hunching to minimize their exposure
- Taller or squared shoulders as in an aggressive response
- Feet may be pointed to locate a way out of the situation
- Crossed arms and hands
- Drumming of fingers
- Fidgeting
- Rapid Breathing
- Shaking or tapping legs
- Breathing more rapid and shallow
- Increase in blood pressure
- Increase in pulse rate
- Dilated Pupils
- Dry Mouth
- Body hair standing on end
- Tense and energized muscles
- Increased perspiration
- Digestive and Immune systems slow down
- Trembling and shaking
- Peristalsis reduced
- Increased glycogen to glucose conversion
- Norepinephrine and epinephrine secreted
- Sweaty Palms
- Nervous Ticks
- Increase in thoughts and Mind Racing
- Screaming, yelling or inability to do these things
- Immobility or paralysis
- Hives or skin rashes, skin conditions

I lived in fear all my life that if I spoke about these things, someone would come after me. I still deal with the fear, but I am coming to a point in my life where I will not be silenced any longer. 
Hope And Possibility Through Trauma by Don Shetterly

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Fearing The Process, We Lose The Experience

"Fearing the process, we lose the experience of the journey."

When I was paralyzed in the hospital, they took me to physical therapy. While I still firmly believe and see the connection between taking the first step and beginning to talk about the things in my past, there was more than this. Even though I knew how to walk and I had been doing it every day for 26 years of my life, the last memory before entering the hospital was that to stand and attempt to walk, meant my body was going to fall down to the floor in pain. Imagine this for a moment if you can that even though there is nothing wrong with the muscles in your legs and even though you know how to walk, the fears of the experience were greater.

In many ways, my life has mimicked the paralysis because for me, the paralysis was the fear of moving forward in my own process and journey. Even if we know or do not know what the next steps are or what things we will encounter, all we have to do is show up and offer ourselves to the process. It is not about knowing and having everything we need in that moment but giving ourselves to the creation and progression of what lies ahead. Knowing the process before we begin robs us of all that the process involves.

Just as it was difficult in the hospital to walk again, sometimes our journey and process are difficult as well. For when I was in physical therapy trying to walk again, I did not walk ten feet or even a foot. At first, it began with very small movements with my legs and some exercise. Then it progressed to where they put me on the walking bars and with every ounce of limited strength I had, I dragged myself along trying to get my feet to walk and move as they were designed. Yes, it was frustrating and yes, I was angered that I could not do something which seemed to obvious to most people. With each day, I would take one little step, than another. As days progressed, I began to walk from my hospital bed to the bathroom so I could sit down and take a shower. Soon I was walking to the hallway in the hospital from my hospital bed and finally down the hallway. There were many difficult moments through all of this and the little things we all take for granted were mountains that I had to climb. It was all part of my process and my journey.

Today, I was reading Ellen Langer's book, On Becoming An Artist - Reinventing Yourself Through Mindful Creativity and on page 153 she writes,

"Our problem is that we think we should know without that which only firsthand experience can teach us. And this negative expectation leads us to shun activities that we would find satisfying if only we gave them a fair try.

Just think - what if I had said "I'm too afraid to walk because I might fall again and it might hurt when my body hits the ground"? For that message had been clearly conveyed to me or if I may say, that fear had been ingrained into me. At that moment in my life, I had no clue how I was ever going to walk again or if I ever would. It seemed like something impossible and if I would have not tried, I would still be laying in a hospital bed or being pushed around in a wheel chair. It was my desire to not accept my circumstances and look beyond my fears that help get me to walk once again.

Once again in my life, I am confronted with the fears that hold me back. While I completely understand the concepts I just wrote about, the fears attempt to over take me. In fact, they have done a pretty good job of controlling my life and robbing me of experiences. I'm not content with where my life is at this moment nor am I willing to go through the continued conflict that haunts me every day. With that in mind, here is what I wrote in my morning time of meditation that spoke to me. My hope is that it will speak to whoever is reading this and it will help lift you into the fears instead of being pushed down by them.

Can I show up? - Yes, I can!
Can I bring myself (to the task I am trying to do)? - Yes, I can!
Can I bring my experiences? - Yes, I can!
Can I bring my heart (to the task I am trying to do)? - Yes, I can!
Can I offer myself to others? - Yes, I can!

Then:

I offer myself with all my fears, insecurities and my heart. If I show up shaking and trembling in fear, let that be my experience. If I show up not shaking and trembling in fear, than let that be my experience. For both are part of my process, my journey as I step out in a leap of faith.

Shine The Light Of Truth

If you sweep the dirt under the rug, it doesn't mean you've swept the floor.

One of the things that I am passionate about in life is exposing the secrets that we learned growing up, and the secrets that we harbor as we get older. We all do it for one reason or another. Part of it is human nature and part of it is our coping mechanism in life. If you are reading this and don't think you push things under the rug, please begin watching this in yourself from the observer viewpoint instead of through your own eyes.

Of course, I know that many of us have been through many experiences in our lives. Sometimes we wish to remember them and often times we want to forget them. It gives us a temporary high, a temporary feel good type of feeling if we just forget them and try to put them outside of our view. However, if we attempt to do this, it does not get rid of that which we don't want to see. It only puts it out of our immediate view.

Why humans continue to do this, I don't completely understand. Of course, I did it for many years. Hoping that with time and thinking positive thoughts and just trying to avoid it all, things would just all be zippidy doo dah happy go lucky! I tried for years to just avoid it through various ways and means. And for many years, I successfully just blocked it out, but that doesn't mean it was gone! No sir! It was still there just like it was before. It wasn't until life almost came to a final farewell for me that I had to make a choice. The only choice I had in those last few moments was either to continue hiding from all the shit in my life or to open my eyes and begin to deal with it.

Granted, it is easier to just hide from it and shove it down under the rug far from view -- or so we THINK it is. In all reality though, the energy that it takes to do this robs us from so much in our lives that we cannot even see in the moment we make that choice. It robs us of fully being human and being all that we can be. If we allow it to hide from our view, it will eventually come to terms with us. We cannot escape it forever because it will catch up with us in one way or another. Mark my words!

I'm not making this up because I know first hand what it does to your physical body. Many walk around with these things each and every day of their lives, oblivious to the fact. There is freedom from it but it requires courage to face it, not fear to run away.

One of the things that I have been confronted with all my life is when I know something is true and I try to share it, write about it, or say it, there are people who feel I need to stay silent. Of course it is not stated that way. They are well intentioned people, but the effect of their words and actions is not positive. And yet, it continues to take place, time and time again. If I earned a dollar for every time, I was pushed to stay silent, I'd be a billionaire by now.

How do people request me to be silent? This happens by making sure that they tell me to think happy, positive thoughts and just move on with life. They want me to think about all the good in life, and none of that which I've been through. They want me to focus on pretty, happy things while ignoring what is currently going on. I even see people write about this on a daily basis claiming that you can just change your thoughts and outlook and poof, all of this will be magically better. I agree that positive thinking and changing your thoughts does go a long ways, but there are much deeper things at play than this.

Of course, I know that if I write, or talk about those things that have caused intense pain from my past, that it is going to make people reading it that connect with the words, feel uneasy. They would rather not be reunited with those thoughts, because there is still a strong source of pain from those experiences. There is so much fear locked up within these events that by shedding any lights whatsoever on them, the monsters appear in attack form. I can understand all of this, but continuing to hide from that which is able to help someone grow and release these things, seems to be like a terroristic activity on one’s self.

I've seen with my own eyes in my own physical body, just how much the body and the subconscious mind holds. It is through the fear that is locked within those events that we try to stay disconnected from them. I've witnessed this in others more times than I can even begin to remember. And yet, the energy that is driven by the fears of these events is forever robbing us of being as human as we can be, and it is robbing us of our complete and perfect health, physically in our body, our mind, and our spirit. There is so much more that so many of us do not realize is possible in this world and yet, when we let the fear consume us (even if we don't realize we're doing this) we are not being all that we are intended to be.

When I was lying in the hospital bed at 25 years of age wondering if I would ever walk again, talk again, sit up in a bed or be able to function as a normal human being, it changed my life completely. Neither myself nor the doctors understood how to treat this, and it was many weeks before I even knew the name they put on the condition, which was called a conversion disorder or hysterical paralysis. I wondered how I would ever overcome this, and all I knew was that in order to do it, I had to have the desire to do this. The path ahead for me was unclear, and I learned then that I could only take it one step at a time, literally. I had no clue how to talk better, walk more than two steps or even sit up in bed. I had no clue how to get my memory back past knowing my first name. I had no clue how to get beyond where I was at in life. It seemed as if I was trying to climb the highest wall in my life.

The thing I did know was that as I began talking about things, life began to change and I began to walk, taking my first steps once again. As I began to go deeper and uncover more, I gained more of my physical body back. Sure, there were tough times and times that I almost wanted to give up, but I knew that if I did not keep going, my life would most likely come to an end as it almost did. I had been given another chance at life and believe me, I was not going to throw this one away.

For much of my life, I have had to stand on my own against all odds and without anyone being my support and backing. There were times that I knew things, but no one could corroborate or help prove that which I knew. There were times that I learned things that no one I knew could even begin to understand. Fortunately, I met some people along my own path, that have helped give credibility to what I know and what I've learned. As hard as it may get, sometimes I know that I do have to stand alone and apart from most of the world. What I know to be true is not something I read in a book or what someone told me. It is what I have experienced first hand. It is what guides me further into my own healing and discovery. For that, I will never apologize if my passion runs high. I do not wish to run and hide from that which I am or all I am trying to become. All my experiences, even the rough ones are part of who I am. To deny those, I deny myself.

So when I write, it is often that I write out of discovery and from my own processing of events current and past. It is my way of learning that I share with the world, hoping that someone out there begins to connect and understand what it is that I'm trying to share. When I write from my heart and experiences, it isn't that I want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, because I usually try to write from what I have personally experienced. If someone finds what I write to be in disagreement with what they believe or feel, my only request is that you will question it within yourself until you either find a home for some part of it, or you dismiss it because it has no place. However, if what I write invokes a strong reaction in you, please don't dismiss that but look at it through the observer’s viewpoint and see what you may learn from what I am writing. I try to do the same and learn all I can from these interactions.

We are all more than we currently are and the fears of the old often hold us back. More times than not, we cannot even clearly see and identify the fears, but they are there. Let each one of us have the courage to go in and face the fears with the knowing that as we do this, we will be reclaiming so much more of ourselves and offering ourselves much more freedom and choice in the days ahead. That is my hope for everyone that reads anything I write or hears anything I say. There is nothing higher in life than the true discovery of ourselves, as we shine the light of truth into every nook and cranny of our lives.

Images used courtesy of NASA/courtesy of nasaimages.org

When Life Fell Apart

Eighteen years ago this week, my life ceased to exist as I knew it. You could say the lights went out in Georgia so to speak. Everything I had known up until this point had morphed into ways that I did not recognize. It was like I was viewing my life as a spectator from the outside.

It all started with so many changes in my life through various jobs, relationships, friends and events which seemed to be all part of my normal day, were nothing short of epic adventures. No Hollywood movie producer could have created a more robust picture than my life had portrayed on the big screen.

Just a few days before this, I knew that things were not going in the right direction for me but I had no way to find reverse. It was as if a steam train was racing full steam ahead to a cliff as the engineer knew the brakes did not work. I knew deep down and even stated it to a work colleague that "I was about ready to lose it in life". I did not have enough self confidence to understand that I could change the upcoming course of events and I was too weary and tired of fighting. All the strength and energy I knew, had been consumed in life. There was nothing more for me to give and nothing more for me to draw upon.

At first, it started out as a sore neck muscle which the Chiropractor was helping me to get relief from. However, it was not long after a treatment would be over that the stress and reality of life would weigh in heavy on me again and the pain and stiffness and soreness would come back with a vengeance. There was no escaping it. There was no running from it anymore. I tried to out run it but I could not run fast enough.

As the days and the weeks progressed, my body fell into surrender to something that seemed to completely overpower and overtake me. It robbed me of all my control. From soreness and stiffness into the paralysis beginning in my legs, then being accompanied by seizures, extreme exhaustion, fits of crying, confusion, feeling delirious, shaking, and just an overall desire of wanting this life to end through suicide. Trip after trip to the doctor's office with emergency ambulance rides to the hospital, I was met with confusion by the doctors and test after test revealed nothing concrete. Each trip, the doctor would send me back home to fend for myself while my family and friends tried to figure out how to take care of me. And while I was an alert, open eyed human being, there was very little I could do. My control over my life was gone. It was as if I was a passenger and a puppet master was pulling the strings.

More tests and hospitalization came next with the doctors still quite uncertain what was going on. No one had answers and all anyone around me had was plenty of questions. During one of the final muscle stimulation tests, my body determined it had enough of everything and when I woke up, there were doctors and nurses around me along with so much equipment as I saw the doctor above me getting ready to bring the paddles on to my body to bring me back. It was then that I knew I had come to the end of my road. It was the edge of the cliff.

So I remember laying in my hospital at the age of 25, thinking what has become of my life. I could no longer feel a needle being touched on my feet. My name was a very difficult thing for me to remember. Speaking a few words took forever and felt like it took more energy than climbing the world's tallest mountain. Movement was a gift if it was possible but then only something that would take forever to accomplish. Memory was gone to some far off place. And so, I was left alone with myself and my few limited thoughts. Is this the way I'm going to live out my remaining days if I have any more left? Am I going to lie in a bed as a vegetable, not being able to do much for myself or barely being able to speak a few words. Was this all I wanted for life? Was it all I could expect?

I remember making a decision to myself where I reached down deep that I did not want to be this way and I was not about to accept that which had caught up with me. This was not the way I wanted to function in life. It was not how I wanted life to be. In my mind, I made the decision that I had to fight with all the strength I could find and then some. This would not be easy but I was not going to accept the current condition I was in.

Through some miraculous insights by a neurologist, she spoke the words that began to show me a new path forward. Those words were in the form of a question "have you been through a lot in your life?". This questions was followed up by "would you like to talk to someone?". Those two questions were the beginning of my road home and led me to a psychologist who helped me chart the path ahead and it was at that moment, that I once again took my first step in physical therapy.

It was not an easy road ahead learning to walk again or just how to sit up and use my arms, my fingers, my voice and functioning in a normal way that most humans do every day. From getting myself around by a wheel chair in and out of doors and entrances to trying to walk up an incline and retain my balance, it was an epic fight that I fought. Just finding the strength to do this before exhaustion set in was like winning a gold medal to me.

Through time, therapy and healing, my body began to come back. Of course, new challenges would present themselves but knowing that if I kept myself going and remembering how I brought myself back, I knew I could do this. For learning how to take that first step again has given me so much courage and determination in life. It has provided the fuel and the energy to continue walking down the road of healing that I have had to do in my life.

None of this has been easy and there have been many days when I just wanted to give up. Some days, it has been hard to muster up the courage and the strength to take those difficult steps. It would have been far easier to just say I've had enough and stop. However, I knew that if I did this, it would mean my death. I had already been down the road of no return and I know that if I do not continue my journey that there may not be another second chance in life.

I find it amusing that churches teach about us going to hell when we die but I know from the cold hard reality that hell exists here in the present moment. It is not something you have to wait to experience when you are no longer alive. I've been to hell and back and now that my life is moving forward, I no longer fear all that for it is so familiar to me as if it is my hated and beloved twin.

Fortunately several years ago, I met some wonderful individuals who are now part of my life. Through their love and acceptance, they have helped me realize that while I've seen the dark side of life, there is a good side. There has been one individual that has helped me heal in ways that I was not even aware of. I had no idea how to continue my journey and I was growing weary but this one individual has helped me walk many miles down the path. This person showed me that all I did need was located right within myself and knowing this has given me so much freedom, so much strength and healing beyond my wildest imagination. I have been a witness in my life to having the right individuals come along at the right moments. Without them, this journey would have been more than I could have endured.

Life still presents its challenges to me each and every day. I'm faced with struggles of the past and how they impact my current day but I'm also given new opportunities to grow. Some days, the challenges seem more difficult than I care to embrace but I am constantly reminded of just how hard it was to take that physical step some 18 years ago and knowing I had the strength to do that, I know I have the strength to do it now.

The name the medical establishment gives to the condition I had is called a Conversion Disorder or according to Freud, "hysterical paralysis". You can google this condition and read more about it. To this day, I've never met anyone who has been through this in the way I have. It is rare to go through it in the manner that I did. Many people experience parts and pieces of this every day in their life only to a different degree. Many people who have experienced a Conversion Disorder from what I have read, don't always come back and recover. It is difficult. If you or someone you know has been through this, I'd love to have contact with them. I know there are others.

Just a note about the picture in this post - this picture was taken during the time I became paralyzed. This was in the early days before I had been hospitalized. Even though I'm trying to smile, I was struggling every moment just to make it.

The Art of Music Creation

In response to how I create music:


I'm totally different than most people I think. If I sat down to write a song, I'd be sitting there staring at the wall until I gave up on the idea. For me, it either happens or it doesn't. I don't really feel like I have any control over it whatsoever. It is dependent though upon what I am going through in my personal life or what is going on in the world around me. That influences what I do in a very dramatic way.

For me though, my music comes in one big moment. I am always creating and just playing whatever it is that comes out. I basically sit at the keyboard and my fingers play music that is created in the moment. If I thought about it, the fingers would stop so I just have to let them go. Sometimes I can sit at the keyboard and know that this is going to happen and sometimes it doesn't. Again, I don't feel as if I have control over this.

So when my fingers begin playing something, I have a nice little record feature on my keyboard and I hit record because I never know what is going to happen. I'm very picky though in what others get to hear so many of the things I create never make it to the light of day where others get to hear it. I'm just too picky. Once it is recorded, than I go back and listen to it because usually when I'm recording my stuff, I really don't "hear" the music. It isn't until I play it back, that I truly get to hear it.

For me, it is like a conversation between "someone out there" and myself or "some deep place within me" and my conscious self. I don't know how else to describe it. Once the conversation is spoken, than that is the end. It isn't like I can go back and play the music over either as I'm just as lost if I attempt to do this. I've tried to print out sheet music but there are so many notes and nuances in the music that I can't even replay the song from this format. So, it is a one time shot for me. I do wish I could go back and replay it but to this date, I've not found a way to do this.

Of course, once I listen to the song that I recorded, if it has one note that is out of place (and even if that means the note doesn't fit in the way the song goes in my own mind), the song just gets filed away on my computer. To most people, they would never hear that note, but to me, it stands out.

I know others create music in a much different way and I wish I could do that but so far, those methods are just a mystery to me as even the way I create music. It is frustrating to me that I can not replay my stuff so if I ever play in front of people, I end up just creating in the moment. Creating in the moment is fine but it takes so much energy out of me that I can not do it for long periods at a time.

I read some music but not enough to play complex stuff. Ever since my paralysis in 1991, I sometimes struggle to play music that is already written. I've recovered from the paralysis but I still struggle with getting my fingers and my brain to play in unison and with flexibility.

So much of the music growing up for me was music that I played in church or heard in church. We weren't allowed to go to concerts or listen much to a radio, so my musical influence is really the church. In many ways, some of those sounds come through in what I create. The rest of it, I have no idea where it comes from.

And when I create a song, there is usually a thought or series of thoughts (conversation) going through my mind. Most of the time I record those thoughts in my journal and then name the song around them. Many of these I have shared in a summary form on my website but for the most part, I think those thoughts come through in the music to the subconscious mind.

So that in a nutshell is how I create music. Maybe one day, I'll figure out how to do it like everyone else does.

My Enteric Brain Journey, Sep 1, 2004

Here is an account of a session with Dr. Canali in 2004. My reason for sharing this from my journal are to help bring about awareness to all that is possible through this simple but deep form of healing. Please keep checking back for future postings from my journal.
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August 28, 2004
I was feeling pretty good since the last session with Dr. Canali. In fact doing the computer job this last week, I was much calmer in working with the computers and I felt much surer of myself when meeting new people. However today I started feeling the anger again and like I was in a place like a couple of weeks ago. This place was full of anger and sort of like I didn’t know where I was or who I was. It was just like I was spinning out in outer space somewhere. When I got my haircut, she washed my hair and I am not sure if that is what changed things or not, but I seemed to calm down after that. I know I have a lot of anger within me and I hope that one day very soon it will be gone.


September 1, 2004 – Session With Dr Canali
Whew... what a night, I'm exhausted! I told Dr. Canali that some days I feel at peace and then other days I feel like tornadoes are going off inside of me - rage, frustration, sucking the air out of me. Not fun when it bounces back and forth between these things. He adjusted my neck because after I fell the other day, I think I sort of put it out of place. It does feel better. I had a lot of shaking in my legs and it was like my legs locked on me and wouldn't move (just like when I got paralyzed and it was scary to me). Dr. Canali says that what I am experiencing is part of the process and I will trust him for now but it ain't easy! I wish I could go more often because it might help. Of course he told me today that I needed to use the ball more because my gut was a bunch of knots and couldn't take much work at all.

From Paralysis and Fear Through Touch

Note: For a licensed print ready version, click here.

Imagine a 25 year old guy laying in a hospital bed and struggling to talk, move all parts of his body and remember basic things like his name. There was no car accident and no disease. The muscles had the same tone in them as they had before this time.

Just days before, this same guy had been an average hard working person just trying to make it in life. Of course he had the usual aches and pains that everyone has and he had been getting medical attention to deal with all of this. Of course most of the doctors didn’t have the slightest clue what to do in this situation. After a severe episode of seizures, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital only to be sent home because they found nothing wrong with him.

As the situation worsened, family and friends once again took him to seek additional medical help. Fortunately this time a neurologist knew to ask the right questions which began the road of healing for this young man. He had been diagnosed with a condition known as a conversion disorder.

Conversion disorders are technically known as Somatoform Disorders which involve physical bodily symptoms that suggest there is a medical problem when in fact no medical condition can be found. Symptoms may include anything from chronic pain, blindness, and deafness to paralysis of the arms and legs, and seizures. Conversion Disorders are estimated to occur in about 15 out of 100,000 people. It is a very rare condition.

If you have not figured out by now who this person is, it was me. I suffered through this condition in 1991 and have fought hard to overcome the effects of it. Although some sources indicate there is no treatment for the disorder, most people would not be able to tell I suffered through paralysis to the point that my brain was shutting down on me.

As part of my continued healing, I spent many years undergoing counseling and therapy to overcome the effects of this condition. With conversion disorders, there is usually an underlying emotional situation such as child abuse that goes to the root cause. I did suffer through intense child abuse as a kid and I have had to deal with the effects that this brought into my life.

For a long time in my life, I struggled with touch. Since my body was beaten and sexually abused as a kid, touch and closeness to other humans was not something that was a comfort to me. Yet at the same time, I longed for touch and I longed to be close to people because it was a very lonely life.

Several years ago, I started trying to receive massage from a very good licensed massage therapist in NC. This lady was very professional and tried to make sure she could do whatever it took to help me begin accepting touch as something good, healthy and beneficial. I think I made it through about 3 sessions before what she was doing just triggered me to past events. I still remember leaving her office that day, so silent and withdrawn, not able to say what was going on and afraid of her even though she was doing a fantastic job. Of course it was not her that I was afraid of, it was the touch.

More healing took place in my life which allowed me for the first time to accept touch in a healthy and wholesome way. As time went, I began to trust a very special person in my life and touch became so much easier than it had ever been in my life. However I went through some very intense periods where a hug would leave me feeling nauseated and I would feel at times like my skin was crawling with bugs. Even with all of the struggles I faced, my body longed to be touched and to actually feel the touch and feel the goodness that it held.

After a life changing event where I lost my mom to a car accident, I began to contemplate the future direction of my life and the role the universe was asking me to play in it. Amazingly with all of the touch issues I struggled with, I was drawn to massage school. Just before massage school, I once again had a massage and it was actually something that was a much more enjoyable experience for me. I knew that I was drawn to massage school for some reason but was not totally sure why at that point nor was I sure if I could handle learning how to touch others. Fortunately, I trusted my intuition enough and took a giant leap of faith into massage school.

I felt so at home at Educating Hands School of Massage and I felt like I would be able to learn how to trust others. So as time went and we began doing the touch on each other, I was so frightened. My body didn’t know how to take all of this and so most of the time, it just shut down to what I was feeling. I know several of my classmates were frustrated when we tried to give feedback about the massage and I had no words to describe it because I could not feel it. I knew that the massage was not bad, but I absolutely could not feel it.

With time and continued massage day after day, my body began to wake up. It started to see for the first time in my entire life just what touch was. It was like a miracle to me and as I began to feel the touch of my classmates in my body, I began to feel and sense through my fingers wonderful things that were going on inside of those people I got to work on. As school progressed and the experiences continued to come my way, my body became more awake and alive. Life started to change in dramatic ways for me.

Last July, I again followed intuition and attended a workshop by Dr. Paul Canali on the Enteric Brain. It was at this workshop that I heard someone speak a language about the body which my body fully understood and realized that no one else had ever spoken in this way. Through my continued work with Dr. Canali’s, “Unified Healing Therapy”, I am for the first time in my life becoming totally aware of what it means to live in my body. I’m actually experiencing what it means to reach a relaxed state far from the anxiety, depression and abuse that I suffered from all of my life. Touch is becoming so much more alive in me and life is becoming more beautiful with each new day of awareness that I am introduced to.

Working with people who struggle with touch takes a great deal of patience, understanding, compassion, sensitivity and non judgment. There are others out there like myself who may come across your massage table and I hope that you realize from my story that touch is sometimes a very scary thing but you may just be one of the healing stones for that person on their journey. From first hand experience, I know there is hope for each and everyone of these people and while the journey may get rough, it is well worth it in the end.

Pins And Needles

For a licensed print ready version, download on LuLu.com

You’ve probably had one of those moments where you were reading something or you heard something and it about dropped you dead in your tracks. One such event did that for me and before I could even begin to finish what I had started reading, my heart was pounding as if I were running for my life. In some ways I was running for my life, but the event had occurred many years earlier.

In 1991, when I was going through all the hospital tests trying to determine the cause of my paralysis, there was one test that just about did me in. I had not thought about it much until I read an account by an online blogger friend of mine. As I read her detailed account of a very similar test she went through, it was all I could do to keep reading what she wrote. I wanted to read it but the fears, the horrors and the emotions of a lifetime came rushing up. Even as I write this, I can feel my heart racing and so while I feel I need to record this, it is not easy.

The doctors had tried many tests on me trying to determine the cause of my paralysis. At first it had been proclaimed that I had Multiple Sclerosis. At age 26, that seemed like a death sentence for me. I wasn’t prepared to hear these words and I had no way to know how to react to them. As the days wore on though, that diagnosis began to prove itself wrong. My symptoms weren’t common and so specialist after specialist did every test under the sun.

The latest test they did was where I believe they were checking my muscle and nerve reflexes. I’m not 100% certain if that is exactly what it was they were doing, and someone with a medical background may be able to shed more light on this than I can. I remember being taken into this room from my hospital bed and placed upon an exam table. There were instruments and electrical-looking machines and a lady in a lab coat that I don’t even think introduced herself. Most of the time during the test, she was facing my legs and some electrical machine with her back to my face. It was almost as if she didn’t want to see me as a person but that’s just my perception.

Realize that during this time, my movements were almost nonexistent and speech was extremely slow and labored. To get a word out every few minutes that made coherent sense was quite an accomplishment for me during this time. So communication for me was almost impossible, and trying to communicate really zapped the energy from me. At that time, my energy was in a very limited supply and I did not want to waste it. So as I laid there on the exam table seeing these machines around me, with this person who I didn’t know sitting there as if I didn’t exist, I was frightened beyond belief. I had no idea what was going to be done to me, and I felt as if I had no say in it anyway.

She began her test and I felt these little pricks of what must have been a needle. You see, needles were not something good to me. You could show me a needle and I would pass out, and in fact had passed out many times for stuff like that and more. So I was doing all I could and using every ounce of energy I had to make it through this test, for this might have been the one that told the doctors what was wrong with me, I thought.

As I felt these little pricks on my legs, I would feel a little electric type jolt through them. It didn’t seem to be a large jolt of electricity, only a little buzz. The pain of the needle pricking my skin along with the uncomfortable feeling of the electricity I felt, made this very difficult to endure. Prick by prick, little buzz by little buzz, the lady in the white lab coat continued her testing procedure. It seemed like an eternity which would never end. With each prick of the needle, the pain would intensify.

I could feel the tears want to well up within my eyes, but of course my eyes had cried so much there were no tears. I could feel my voice wanting to scream out, “STOP”, but the words and the voice were lost in the void. I could feel my arms wanting to grab the lady in the white lab coat to make her stop, but my arms had no ability or energy to move. My mind knew there was nothing to do but take what was being done to me, while my body just wanted to run out of the room.

Even though I could barely speak, I do remember trying to say to the lady in the white lab coat, “please stop for a minute, please stop. Please stop.” She never heard the faint and few words of my dull voice. She only continued on, one needle prick at a time. There was no stopping her. My mind thought of a million things I would call this lady if only I could speak, and these things weren’t pretty.

The next thing I knew, I saw these doctors working around me on the table. I’m not sure where I was, but the room was full of people in white coats and much more equipment than when I initially came into the room. Seeing all of this, I didn’t really feel any pain in that moment, and actually it felt more freeing and nice than when I was on the table. The one thing I couldn’t understand, though, was why all of these people were so concerned about me and why I was watching all of this.

As my eyes began to open again, I saw the doctor with the little shock paddles and heard the words “clear” as he brought the paddles close to my bare chest and stomach. They had pulled my hospital gown down to expose my chest and abdomen. As I opened my eyes, I remember seeing such a bright light that it almost hurt my eyes to look at it. It was one of the clearest, brightest white lights I had ever seen. At first I chalked it up to the lights in the room, thinking that was obviously the source. It wasn’t until many years later, when I experienced this same bright white light in a healing session from a lady in South Florida, that I put together what the white light was all about.

As my eyes began to focus on the room, I could hear the people giving out the blood pressure readings and the pulse. Everyone seemed to breathe a sigh of relief as they began to leave the room. One nurse who stayed in there with me commented that they had thought they lost me. That’s about all that was ever said or all that I remember being said. Again, this didn’t quite connect with my brain for many years of what really transpired on this day.

While you may be reading and feeling sad for all of what I went through, this is ok. However, there is a much broader reason why I share this. You see, the body is like an electrical box full of circuits. If we overload the circuits with many devices or stresses in our lives, sooner or later the circuits will overload and trip the individual breakers. If you overload too many circuits at the same time, than the entire circuit box begins to trip and shut down.

This is exactly what was happening in my body. My body had endured a lifetime of stresses, events, pains and abuses. I had ignored these for years and thought I was being a strong man by just handling things. After all, everyone I knew understood just how together I had life. There was nothing that could stop me. I was invincible. I was all powerful, not the weak person that was lying in a hospital bed. There was also what I had been taught every day of my life, that you just handled your problems on your own. You didn’t go to others for help because that was not only a sign of weakness, but these people would then use your problems to their advantage in future dealings with you. You could not trust these people from that point forward. I so remember one whipping in the middle of the night to bring this point home in a very clear way.

As Peter Levine talks about in his book, “Waking The Tiger”, our bodies will react to all that we experience. We can try to run from it, hide it, analyze it or mold it into some sort of religion, but if we don’t deal with that which we have endured, it will deal with us. We may go years, like I did, before it begins to rear its ugly head but it has our days numbered.

Many of us go through life having all types of experiences throughout our years. Some of these are horrendous and are further cemented in the experience by strong emotional components, or by our young age of not knowing and understanding what is going on. We then find ways to compensate for these experiences, sometimes not even consciously knowing that we are doing this. We continue to live our lives adding more events, and more stress during each day.

Our body and our mind tries to get our attention with its many warning system lights such as headaches, pains, stiffness, sickness, disease, and other health conditions. We run to the doctors out of fear, wanting to be fixed and wanting some medication, surgery or therapy to fix us. So the doctor in their vast knowledge gives us something that will help. They often give us a name of the condition we are experiencing, and at last we know that we can wear our badge of what we have with pride. We know what it is and we can be cared for. It gives us a spring to our feet and a bounce to our step.

However, the condition does not necessarily disappear. It might be suppressed or it might give way to other conditions. Medications and surgeries with all their side effects may welcome other unwanted and undesired guests into our bodies and our minds. All the while, we’re still not cured. The condition is still there. It is just masked and covered up.

Please don’t get me wrong here, as I’m not saying all medication and all surgery and all medical intervention is a bad thing. We sometimes need this to stabilize our lives so that we can move to the point of healing. However, so many of us stay in this mode and never move on to the healing part. Masking the pain or the condition is never healing. It’s like using a band aid to cover a blood-gushing wound. While it may help temporarily, the wound needs further attention to heal.

While this may sound unreal and difficult to even contemplate, going into the pain and all the fears that may come up will ultimately release what is beneath that which you are sensing. By doing this, we are able to take the power that the fear possesses in the condition, or the pain, and use it to move us forward through this point in our lives. Otherwise, the fear and the pain of the condition remain as stored energy, locked within our cells, holding us back from realizing our true potential. The fears can be strong but the rewards of doing this are much greater.

We should not view pain as something that we must fix, but something that we need to accept. Through acceptance we take the power back from it, so that we more fully integrate ourselves into a complete person. The greatest gift we can give ourselves is to know our self in the fullest possible way. For the more we have fully integrated ourselves as one mind, body and spirit, the more we are human.

A Life Changing Moment

Shortly after I graduated from massage school, I had the opportunity to do chair massage for the faculty and staff at Southwood Middle School. A tragedy had hit the school when a student killed one of his classmates and friends during school hours. I was there with others as part of a day of healing for the teachers. One of the speakers was Dr. Paul Canali talking about how trauma affects us and how to watch out for the effects that we may see in others especially the children. As I listened to Dr. Canali speak that day, I was captivated because what he was sharing with others, was things that resonated deeply within me.

After his talk was over, I so badly wanted to connect with him but when it was my turn to speak to him, I could barely say anything. About the only thing I could think to do was hand him my business card because my voice was silent. Time went on and I didn’t really think about Dr. Canali again until I went to a local FSMTA (Florida State Massage Therapy Association) meeting. He was the speaker and that night I was sitting up front. As Dr. Canali talked, he kept putting his hands on my shoulder and using me as an example of what he was saying. Normally with strangers, I would have been crawling out of my skin and running out the door. I, however, knew that Dr. Canali’s touch was safe. Somehow I knew that and I was not afraid.

Fast forward to a workshop he held in July 2004, that I wanted to attend. Before signing up for the workshop, Dr. Canali and I talked by phone where I shared with him some of my past. When I got to the workshop, it was part lecture and part hands on training. Dr. Canali asked for volunteers and without hesitation, I said I would like to volunteer. Up until this point, I had not experienced his work like many of the others had, and I had no clue what I was about to experience. The moment on the table which seemed like only a few minutes was in fact over a couple hours and when I got off that table, I felt like my life was different than when I started. It was a powerful life changing moment and at the time I had no clue just how far this would go.

I began to see Dr. Canali for regular sessions because I knew deep down, there was much stored within my body that needed to be dealt with. You didn’t need to explain to me just how everyday life, every day stress, trauma and experiences find homes within our bodies. My body knew that first hand because I was paralyzed in 1991. Physically I had recovered from it but there were many hidden scars within me that had never been allowed to heal. I had plenty of current problems as well from depression, anxiety, frequent migraine headaches, a stomach ulcer, allergies and the list could go on. I never dreamed that a few years after this, my life would have changed in dramatic ways physically, emotionally and spiritually. I’m not the same person I was and this isn’t some surface changes in me. It is deep emotional long lasting changes.

While I still know I have a ways to go and I still have my demons I battle within me, I’m on my way to connecting to something that will carry me forward. I’m not even 100% sure I understand what that is today and that’s fine, but I see more of my path ahead with each day. Dr. Canali has helped me to understand myself more and see the power that I hold to make choices and changes in my life. He has helped me to become more aware of myself so that I can begin to experience life in an entirely new way. If you would have told me all of this was possible a few years ago, I would have probably laughed. Of course now, you don’t have to convince me because I’ve lived it and the truth of it resides with myself and my new found freedom and awareness.

With all of this said, Dr. Canali just launched his new website and it is filled with a lot of information. Some of the information is deep and may sail over your head when you first read it, but it can be a catalyst in your life. I urge you to go and check out the website and read it and learn all you can. Your life won’t be the same after this point.

The website is
Evolutionary Healing Institute http://evolutionaryhealinginstitute.com/