Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 3

Note:  This is part 3 of a 4 part series.  Read Part 2, first.

As I write this, I feel the room becoming very warm, the fear rising up within me and it is extremely difficult to write these words.  The emotional charge that goes with them is very intense even after all these years.  It is time for a break.  I’ll be back soon.

For me though, the shaking and trembling seems to happen easily and like it is on cue from the conductor.  My body and mind check out easily though and by that I mean I can be physically present with all that is going on, experience the shaking and trembling and fear, but not be present in my mind.  I do this well and I have done this all my life.  It became my escape mechanism when the horrible trauma was taking place and it is now my coping mechanism.

Many times when these things come up while I have been in a healing session, the fear of “will it ever stop” usually confronts me in a way that leaves me wanting to run and hide.  My body has experienced this scenario all too often, as it had to endure these things until I was exhausted.  The only thing was that as exhaustion set in; I was at the mercy of those around me and the fear that my abuser would readily have his way with me.  After all, I was helpless then and while I have no idea what happened in these moments, I would fall asleep and black out, just like I did when I was only 5 years old.

I’m trying to type this but as I do, I just want to cry, run, scream and hide.  These are difficult words to write but I hope that someone out there will find encouragement in them.  I will attempt to continue to get to the end of what I am trying to write.

While my body knows and has learned in a healing situation, allowing these things to run their course in my body, is a very healthy thing.  My fears often become the judge and sentence though and cloud my ability to heal these dark recesses of my being.  In fact, just connecting all of this in my body is frightening to me at this moment.

How can I let myself going into the healing space that the body wishes to take me, if I am so afraid of those moments because it connects to a very frightening time in my life?  It isn’t easy and I thought I could do it but lately, I have realized just how much I fear this healing process.  I’m not sure if I am strong enough to go through it but I hope I am.  I’m not sure if anyone will stick with me long enough to see if I can make it through to the other side.

Note:  Come back tomorrow for part 4 of this 4 part series.  This is part 3.

Related Blog Posts
1)  Unified Therapy (June 29, 2011)
2)  Recovery From A Conversion Disorder (July 11, 2011)

3)  Danielle's Journey With Conversion Disorder (July 28, 2011)
4)  My Battle With Conversion Disorder (July 27, 2011)

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