Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Healing The Itchy Hand Rash, Day 8

Healing The Itchy Hand
Rash, Day 8
For background on this post, please begin at the blog post on November 6, 2011 (Healing The Itchy Hand Rash, Intro).

From My Personal Journal on October 18, 2011

Slight Improvement

I'm seeing slight improvement in my hand but it is no where near 100% or even 75% healed.  The images come up and make me sad.  I struggle to accomplish much in a day because my hand is either swollen and immobile or exhaustion caps my strength.

I'm leery of the images as they haunt me day and night.  Yet, I'm not sure if the images matter anymore.  It seems like another sequel in events I cannot control or change.  Am I avoiding them or am I just at a point in life where I'm no longer spooked.  I feel sadness, despair and hopelessness.  I feel these things intensely.  Yet, I am beginning to doubt that the horror images will make much difference in healing and letting go.

Even through the midst and fog of stormy days, I see so much beyond me.  yet, I feel like the horse trying to eat the carrot that's tied to a string and held beyond my reach.  Will I ever get there?  I'm not sure but just like the horse, I'm led forward plodding along in hopes that I do.  Will I get the carrot before my mind gives up and my body stops from exhaustion?

I get frightened when I look at my hand.  It is hard to avoid.  I am ashamed to be seen in public for fear others will view me as a freak, a diseased soul or one they must avoid.  My body longs for rest, for wholeness and for understanding.

While I'm glad to see the slight improvement in my hand, there is much difficulty to deal with at this moment.  I'll take what I get and maybe it is showing that my "sending out love" is working.  I'm just not prepared to accept this at this point in time.

All of what I wrote in my journal is my raw emotions that are coming through including my fears.  I'm not sure this would be easy for anyone to go through and it certainly is not easy for me to experience.  I don't care how much a person has experienced before, there does not seem to be an easy way through this.

Please come back for Day 9 on November 16, 2011

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