Thursday, November 10, 2011

Healing The Itchy Hand Rash, Day 4

Healing The Itchy
Hand Rash, Day 4
For background on this post, please begin at the blog post on November 6, 2011 (Healing The Itchy Hand Rash, Intro).

From My Personal Journal on October 13, 2011

Doubt Things Will Get Better!

So, I'm full of questions and I wonder (maybe doubt) things will get better.  Yet, I know there are those who have it far worse than I do!  Unfortunately that does little for me because I almost feel helpless and hopeless.

I mean now there is a rash on my hand that bothers me daily / hourly.  I feel separated from everyone and anyone.  My life does not operate from joy but from despair.  I want to scream out - just how much more can I endure - can I take?  Isn't this enough?

In some ways maybe in many ways, I feel like I need a lightening bolt type of response.  I'm not sure if I could see or notice it otherwise.  I don't know if I feel worthy enough.  I'm not sure if I believe a miracle is possible.  Am I destined to live out the rest of my life in despair just like I was when I was paralyzed?

Life seems like I must be able to fly 5000 miles into the air in one single jump.  I don't understand how I can accomplish what I am here to do when I feel as if I don't have what it takes.

I do feel alone and separated.  I am trying to reach my arms out but all I see is a blue sky of emptiness surrounded by fog.  I try to trust that something is there but my doubts prove otherwise.

Again, all I know to do is write my doubts, shortcomings and questions.  Beyond this, I feel lost and have no clue how to proceed.

This was a very tough day becausse the rash continued to worsen and my fears increased exponentially.  The images continued to haunt me and I tried to flee from their presence.  I felt as if I was in utter despair.  I felt as if there was no way out or no way forward.

Between the burning of the rash and the itching, I could barely take it.  I wanted to cry, scream and yell, but I doubted that this would prove to be much more than a madmen going crazy.  It felt like there were no options and somehow I knew I needed to hang on but the time of hanging on was growing more difficult with each day and hour that passed.

Please come back for Day 5 on November 11, 2011

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