Saturday, November 12, 2011

Healing The Itchy Hand Rash, Day 5

Healing The Itchy
Hand Rash, Day 5
For background on this post, please begin at the blog post on November 6, 2011 (Healing The Itchy Hand Rash, Intro).

From My Personal Journal on October 14, 2011

Temporary Stay Of Relief

I feel like the weight of life isn't as heavy as it was a few days ago.  That's a big relief - a big load off of my shoulders.  However, I am faced with a new challenge.

My hand looks as if it has had boiling water dumped on it.  It appears as if it is bubbling up from somewhere underneat.  My hand appears twice its size.  It itches and burns constantly.  I have been through this before so I'm able to keep the fears at bay.  However I struggle to want to let anyone see me in this way.  

I do know that the deformaty will vanish as quickly as it came.  When I find peace from the energy that feeds it, so to will it disappear.  At that point, it will no longer have a purpose to serve.  While my mind sees no story plot line, I fear there is a connection to an event gone by in my life.  As I write these words, the burning intensifies.

To say it is a challenge, is like saying the ocean has water in it.  I wonder in my mind when I will find peace from these overwhelming challenges I face.  I sometimes want to find a place to hide from it all.  It is hard to understand how I can function and accomplish in life, what I am here to do.  I do not understand.  My brain is not that advanced.

If only I could see how surrounded I am, maybe the support would propel me.  If only I could understand the whys and wherefores of all that my life has gone through, maybe I could connect to the strength I need.  For now, it feels like a mystery that I hope to solve one day.  For now, I urge my feet to keep taking a step forward and my eyes to focus on the poorly lit path ahead.

Maybe it was being delirious or too tired to fight but on this day, it felt like there was a reprieve from the heavy handed stuff in life.  I was fighting exhausting from the lack of peaceful sleep and just the fact that finding a comfortable position for my hand at night was a task in futility.  Even during the day, it was difficult to find a comfortable position.

Exhaustion was setting in from the emotional toll this was taking on me mentally and physically.  I came to a point where I tried to avoid looking at my hand because of how frightened it made me feel.  Yet, to avoid looking at your hand is difficult to do.

The images were haunting me but on this day I think I just pushed them aside.  I had no strength at that moment to even allow them to flood my brain cells.  Of course, this required extra strength to just escape temporarily from these horrors.

I felt overwhelmed and life was overwhelming but sometimes stepping back away from things is the only way of coping and getting through something.   I so badly wanted support from those I love and trust but I wanted everyone to stay away from me for I felt diseased and disfigured.

Please come back for Day 6 on November 13, 2011

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