Monday, October 12, 2015

Making A Decision Is Hard

For months I agonized over the decision.  My friends could see that I needed to do this more easily than I think I could.  I don't think it isn't that I could not see it, the decision was just not easy.  Letting go is hard to do.

After all, there were parts of me that really like the job and role that I was doing.  In fact, even in my final days, those parts still reside in me.  I've been a part of this project from the early days of it becoming reality in the world and so it feels like my baby in a way.  I know it isn't my possession, but it feels that way.  I have a strong connection to it.

Leading up to the point of turning in my resignation, I had read many things by many people where they struggled with the same decision to quit a job.  Yes, I've had those that tell me you need to find a job first before you quit.  I don't follow the same tired and worn out rules like everyone else.  I tend to forge my own pathway.  Regardless, letting go of the job was hard to do.

Leading up to the decision, I talked ad nauseum about it with many people, especially my close friends.  I could see that I needed to step out and the place was becoming so toxic, that it was affecting everything in my life.  Yet, part of me didn't want to see that because it went against how strongly I felt attached to the job.  It had become my identity.

I struggled with the decision and I fought it.  I would begin to accept it and then I would shun it.  I would explore it and then I would retreat from it.  Letting go is and was and most likely will always be, hard to do.

It should be after all I think hard to do, because it is such an important decision.  Maybe it doesn't need to take as long to make the decision as it did, but I'm not sure I would have wanted it to be that easy to make.

As I get into the final days of this job, I now realize just how toxic the environment had become for me.  It was actually difficult to see that until this point.  It was far to easy for me to be blinded by the lights and glitter instead of fully seeing reality.  Even after a medical leave of absence, I still didn't see it fully.

Now though, without a shadow of a doubt, I know it was the right decision.  I know I had to do this in order to reclaim my life.  Yes, I might still do some various work for this job from time to time, but it won't be in the same frame of mind or be in the same manner as before.  I just know that in order for me to find myself again, I had to let go of this job.

I believe much more will open up for me in the days ahead.  My first order of business is a month of R and R.  I need it badly!  I had worn myself down to a frazzle and my brain and body are both so very tired.  This is not good and I know firsthand what this level of exhaustion and stress does to a body.

So, by the time you read this, much will have changed most likely.  I'm not reading a crystal ball or anything.  I just recognize that a new life is about ready to start, full of possibility and opportunity.  I'm not 100% clear as to what lies ahead, but I have a general view and outline of the vision I see.  I will step towards that.

While I know each of us will say that letting go is hard to do and we all do it, it still doesn't make it easy.  I now know that in order to survive, I had to let go.  If I stayed on the path I was on, there is a good chance a hospital stay would have been my next stop.  I felt it.  You don't have to put up a billboard for me to understand that point.

In the end, only we will know what to do and when to do it.  It isn't easy.  I understand.  I've fought this decision for a long time.  That fight and process is just as much a part of the decision as the decision itself.  Don't beat yourself up for it.  Don't let others beat you up for it.  Do it in your own time because letting go is hard to do!

Blog Post And Images (c) 8/26/15 by Don Shetterly

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