Staying Ignorant

Written By Don Shetterly

Growing up, our house was not one where we were allowed to challenge the status quo.  What my father said was meant to be the law, and you did not object, argue, or ask for an explanation.  Staying ignorant was the law of our house.

We were abused under these rules, and we were molested and beaten and psychologically abused.  Any attempt to circumvent or change that was met with punishment that was more harsh and severe and quick then one could contemplate.  If you spare the rod, then it means you would spoil the child was the judgment of the court in our house.  Yet, staying ignorant was the norm.

Our minds were brainwashed under these rules.  Even though we were urged to think for ourselves, it was not allowed.  It was not given fertile ground to develop, and if you attempted to do it, you would be met with the "silent treatment."  You were ostracized and put in the dog house for daring to stand up and challenge anything spoken.

Sure, the king in charge of my family would act as if this did not happen. The family king would make a spectacle out of you, telling everyone that knew you, just how wrong you were.  They took facts out of context and prove to others, that you had no idea what you were saying.  No matter what was needed, they would ensure that you were the crazy one who dared stand up and speak out against the king of the house.

Watching pets be killed or being told that if you dared to stand up, the cops would not be able to do anything for you proved that you had no choice.  Learning that God would punish you if you challenged the king or he specially wanted you to just follow the will of the family is just how things were in our house.

Staying ignorant was all we knew.  While we heard others may brainwash us in their ways and beliefs, we were the ones being brainwashed and yet we did not know it.  What seemed abusive and wrong to others, seemed normal to us.  We knew no different.  It is what we had been taught.

When I finally got up the courage to stand on my own and walk away, I was labeled as crazy.  It was the medication, the doctors, and my friends who led me astray.  People that had known me most of my life were told just how far off the deep end I had gone.  Staying ignorant was what they demanded of us.

To this day, I'm on my own.  I don't have contact with the ones that wished to silence me.  I said enough is enough.  Staying ignorant was no longer a choice, but it was so difficult to do.  It took courage and strength to stand through the pain of the separation.  It was not for the faint of heart.

I'm glad I escaped and found my own life, but it took me many years to begin undoing the harm and brainwashing that was done to me.  Staying ignorant is how the family wishes to remain, but no longer will I let anyone brainwash me.

I work each day to become more than I am.  I strive to go in and clean out the dark places of my life and let go of things that no longer serve me.  It is a process to unlearn all that you were taught even if it was toxic and ignorant.  It is not an easy process, and while many give up trying to do it, I'm glad that I am no longer staying ignorant.

My life is much better as I grow in my own awareness and consciousness.  Keeping someone down because of beliefs and control is no way for any human to live.

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Blog Post And Images (c) Nov 21, 2017, by Don Shetterly

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Abused By Being Ignored

(Written By Don Shetterly)

This is a big trigger for me, and right now it is in full force.  It isn't just one trigger, but multiple ones from multiple sources right now.  Being ignored is not something that is easy for me to deal with in life.

At one time, the abusers sought to ignore me if I didn't do what they wanted.  It wasn't just me as they did it to everyone in the house.  Ignoring you meant you were less than and not worthy of love or attention or even one iota of concern.  This was in addition to having to fight for attention from others in the family that did so much stupid stuff, they readily got attention.

I don't deal with this well.  In fact, as I'm writing this I think I should just go completely quiet and never speak to anyone again.  I'll stop tweeting, texting, and blogging.  That's the way I feel at this moment.

For me, my friends and people I know mean the world to me.  You don't get past that wall very easily, and when you do, you're very special to me.  I realize that everyone has their busy lives with jobs, work, family, and other things.  I get that.  I really do.

Some days, I feel like if I went and ranted and raved about the latest political firestorm of the day, others would listen and want to engage.  I just have no desire to swim in that mud pit.  I'm not about to start because I see the political firestorms as being nothing more than people screaming while no one is listening.

I feel hurt when I think I'm being ignored, regardless of the reason or issue or who is doing it.  Most likely others don't mean to ignore me, but it feels that way.  When I feel that, it triggers all kinds of bad thoughts in my mind of not being loved or wanted just like many years ago.

For now, I'm probably going to take time away from answering any emails or trying to initiate any emails.  I'm going to ease up on social media a little more because to be quite honest, I'm not sure if it is really worth it.  Maybe this is the way for me to see this.  I don't know.

I try to be there for many, but some days, I feel like I walk alone.  I'm feeling hurt right now and unwanted and unloved.  Maybe tomorrow when I wake up, it will be a new day.  One can hope, can't they?

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

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Loyalty Of Child Abusers

Written By Don Shetterly

One of the things I witnessed and saw in my house was how my dad controlled everyone.  I can remember him shouting at us that if we ever went to the cops for what he did to us, that it would be the last thing we did.  As evidenced of what he did to our pets, there was no mistaking what he meant.


He demanded complete loyalty to him.  He accepted nothing but us worshiping at his feet.  He would explain to us that we are family and that family loves one another.  If we questioned this in any way, it was that we had no loyalty or love for our family.

My dad would scream and rant and rave.  He'd pound his fist on the table to make his point.  There was no double crossing the family.  There was no double crossing him.  You had to back him up no matter what for anything he did.

His transgressions included child sexual abuse, rape, molestation, physical beatings, emotional abuse, domestic violence again my mom, lying and cheating.  They also included the murder of innocent pets via the use of guns or drowning in rivers.

He demanded loyalty...

Of course, he demanded loyalty.  We were not allowed to say anything to anyone.  We feared for our own lives.

Later on, when I was in the hospital and dared to speak out about what I had been through, he quit talking to me.  He showed me what the silent treatment was all about because I dared to stand up and say, this wasn't right.  In fact, he turned my entire family against me including neighbors and friends that I had known for a long time.

Does this sound like someone that should deserve loyalty and respect?  Hopefully, your answer is NO!  Anyone that does not allow for dissent or a difference of opinion is not a healthy individual.  If you do not permit yourself to be challenged, you are not a strong person in my view.

I'm so tired of hearing about loyalty these days.  I've heard it so many times in jobs.  The companies that tried to tell me they would never ask me to cheat or lie are the ones that broke the rules.  These were major corporations.

Loyalty is not about breaking the law or following someone blindly.  It is about having the respect for others.  It is about gaining respect because you earned it and you deserve it.  It is not given because you threaten people or you scream and yell at them.

The ego loves greed and control.  It likes to manipulate and punish those who don't accept their ideas as law.  It is not about being human.

We need to wake up in this world because each one of us that falls into these traps diminishes our light and our love in this world.  The more we feed the control and manipulation of the ego, the more it grows.

I so wish that I could have stood up to my dad but there would have been no one that would have listened in those days.  The payback would have been hell if I had not succeeded.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

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One Square Inch Of Silence

I believe I've written about this subject before as it is near and dear to my heart.  I believe we live in a world of noise and that noise harms us.  It keeps our nervous systems elevated, our ears at attention, and our minds actively searching for the origin of the noise.

We've got a lot going on in our lives, and without silence, it is hard to find peace (as in peace and quiet).  I don't even think we're aware of just how much noise is around us.  We have become so accustomed to it, that it is just commonplace.  Very sad, but true!

We need that moment of silence where we can stop and quiet our soul and mind.  It is so needed for us to help find rest in our life, and repair the things that have hurt our physical body and mind.

Not long ago, I was trying to record a little brook of water.  The sound was beautiful.  So as I hooked my special little recorder up near it, I thought it was pretty silent around where we were at.  I wasn't consciously aware of noise.

When I got it back home and listened to the recording, I kept hearing sounds that I didn't hear while I was there.  Most of them were planes flying high above us that we did not even notice.  Some of the other noises were of cars on far off highways, and people playing hundreds of yards away.  I was shocked at just how much noise there was that I didn't hear.

When I went to the ocean and recorded my Ocean Sounds CD, it was a battle to find a quiet place.  I was in a remote area, almost a wilderness part here in Florida.  Yet distant sounds carried through the air and would interrupt what I was recording.

Nowadays we have to have music and noises, blips and sounds playing constantly. Our phones constantly alert us.  The noise of the traffic never seems to die down.  The hums from the houses and the computers that continuously run leave us hardly any silence.

I'm so happy someone is drawing attention to this through their work, One Square Inch Of Silence.  May we not let silence become extinct, because it may be too late to know what true silence is.  Our mind and body need silence badly.  We need that down time and without silence in our world, we will stay at an elevated vibration which is not helpful to our survival.

Read more about this story on CNN, One Square Inch Of Silence.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

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Silenced Victims

Perpetrators of incestuous abuse must silence their victims in order to keep them powerless and allow the abusive behavior to continue.  Many survivors carry memories of raised voices inaugurating a cycle that led to their being sexually exploited. In adulthood if they speak loudly, they feel as though they are being abusive.  If someone else raises his or her voice, the situation feels dangerously out of control.  (pg 152, Victims No Longer by Mike Lew)

Take Time Out To Rest Each Day

I read a tweet online today by Allan Beveridge (@TheTwinPowers) and I completely agree with him.  It is great to take a few minutes out our busy day and just rest.  Allow the mind to calm down and stop.  Allow silence to fill the air.

We don't do this enough in our day.  We go from early morning to late at night, never stopping to take a moments breath.  It is the way of our country and even though we think we are being productive, I believe we are physically hurting ourselves.

One such way as I shared in this tweet to @TheTwinPowers, is I go out and lay in my hammock at various times during the day.  Sometimes it is for a few minutes, just to rest my eyes and brain.  Sometimes if I'm feeling a little sleepy, a few minutes in my hammock has me up and running again.

Yes, Don, hammocks are great for taking some "time out". We have one on the deck :) https://t.co/7gOwhFm7Fh

— Allan Beveridge (@TheTwinPowers) October 29, 2016

In fact, if I take a few minutes out and just stop, I am far more productive and I can get much more done in a short amount of time.  My creativity increases.  My stress levels go down.  My body feels empowered and energized, rather than run down and drained.

I do understand that most people working in an office or place of business can't just go out to their hammock and take a rest.  Actually I think all places should have something like this because I think it would help overall productivity of the company.

If you have no option to do this, try taking a few minutes on a break or at lunch to just walk outside and feel the sun or the wind on your face.  Walk away from your desk and just focus on feeling your breath for a few minutes away from the hustle and bustle of the office.  It doesn't take much to do this.  Just notice your breath for 30 seconds and see how you feel when you're finished.

If you are chained to your desk and not allowed to leave, then try and stretch your legs out and just focus on what that feels like for a few minutes.  Try to stretch your arms up to the ceiling and breathe in and out as you raise and lower them.  Scrunch your neck and shoulders up feeling the tension and then let them drop down.  Even a few minutes once an hour doing these things can help.

I'm telling you though, if you don't have a hammock, you're missing out!  I love laying out in mine and just watching the clouds drift by, the squirrels run on the back fence and the birds and butterflies fly all over the place.

I was thinking that I could even get a hammock and put it in the house for when the days are cold, dreary or rainy.  Now that would be fine living in my view!

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Hurt By Silence

Growing up, it was the weapon of choice.  My family knew how to use silence and they could out duel anyone with this weapon at a moment's notice.  I was hurt by silence as a kid and I'm still hurt by it today.

It didn't matter if the "crime" you were sentenced to justified the punishment, but silence was always one of the measures that was taken.  Yes, there were other punishments as well, but the silence played a key role in any judgment handed down.

In fact, when someone was given the silent treatment, the entire family knew that this was happening.  You did not dare cross the line of speaking to that particular family member because if you did, you risked getting the silent treatment upon yourself.  If this happened, most of the time any other person would be free from silence jail if they were in it.

I freak out at silence...

I struggle with this today.  Whether it is a friend or some business contact, if there is silence, I'm beginning to freak out.  I can't deal with it that easy.  It was such a weapon growing up that the slightest hint it is being employed and I'm down the river.

If you didn't do what the family expected, you got the silent treatment.  If you didn't answer a question in the way they demanded and expected, you got the silent treatment.  If you gave them a look that caused them to feel threatened or wounded, you got the silent treatment.

If you disobeyed their every command or decided to embark upon a decision all by yourself, you got the silent treatment.  If you dared to not follow the pack, you got the silent treatment.  If you even gave the slightest hint that you might share something from the family with anyone else, you got the silent treatment.

So many unwritten rules...

There were so many unwritten rules where they would pronounce you the judgment of being thrown into the silence jail.  When that sentence would be lifted was up to them and almost had nothing to do with what you did or did not do.

You could beg and plead, but that usually got you an extended sentence.  The best way out of it was to hope that another member of the family screwed up in some way and they got sentenced to silence.  There was generally only a place for one person in the silence jail.

It was horrible having people around you, but they wouldn't speak to you.  It was gut wrenching.  It was nerve racking.

As a member of the family, you were not allowed to pronounce silence on any other unless they were less significant than you.  However, the patriarch judge of the family was the supreme ruler with no appeal process.  He and he alone doled out the silent treatment.

To this day...

To this day, I can't stand the silent treatment. If you want to lose me as a friend, give me the silent treatment and see how far that goes.

As I once told a boss who was worried that I was upset with him, "as long as I'm talking to you, I'm not upset."   Its when I get silent that usually signals I'm upset.  For if I get too upset, I find it better to just not say anything because my words will not come out correctly.

Silence messes with your mind.  It makes you feel less than.  It is a control and manipulation technique that was passed down to me which I try hard to never use.  Unfortunately I am human and I was taught well how to employ this technique.

At times in life, I'm hurt by silence.  I love hearing the sounds of someone's voice, or the thoughts of someone that is a thinker.  I love to hear the connections made by the utterance of sound and silence stops all that.  Silence prevents all that.  Silence hurts!

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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If Children Talk About Abuse

Children sense - even if they are not explicitly threatened - that if they talked about their beatings or molestation to teachers they would be punished.  Instead, they focus their energy on not thinking about what has happened and not feeling the residues of terror and panic in their bodies.  Because they cannot tolerate knowing what they have experienced, they also cannot understand that their anger, terror, or collapse has anything to do with that experience.  They don't talk; they act and deal with their feelings by being enraged, shut down, compliant, or defiant.

(Quoted from The Body Keeps The Score, Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk)

Breaking The Silence

Years ago I had a website for those that had been abused so that they could be given a voice.  It was appropriately called Breaking The Silence.  Unfortunately the immaturity and dysfunction of a few brought the forum and website down.  It came to a point that by having it online, it was causing more harm than it was helping anyone.

One of the bedrock principals that I have built my life upon is breaking the silence.  I think that if you shine the light of truth upon every corner of the universe, good things will happen.  I believe that if truth goes before you, that many of the issues we face in this world would disappear.  When silence is allowed supremacy, it is then that the universe no longer is allowed to exist in the way it was intended.

I was abused and because of silence, that abuse was allowed to happen and go unchecked with everyone I knew.  The silence allowed the horrendous to happen.  The silence allowed only the good to be seen.

Silence Trauma and Abuse

It's too easy to live in a society and civilization where we just don't talk about it.  You know - "it"!  We all know trauma and abuse happens, but it becomes far too easy to talk about the football game, the latest political threat we see, or some celebrity news gossip of the day.

Of course, I know we can't go around and talk about trauma and abuse every day.  Our world would really suck if we did.  Please don't think that's what I am referring to when I say we silence trauma and abuse.

This quote by Bessel Van der Kolk, M.D. sums it up very well.

We don’t really want to know what soldiers go through in combat. We do not really want to know how many children are being molested and abused in our own society or how many couples— almost a third, as it turns out— engage in violence at some point during their relationship. We want to think of families as safe havens in a heartless world and of our own country as populated by enlightened, civilized people. We prefer to believe that cruelty occurs only in faraway places like Darfur or the Congo. It is hard enough for observers to bear witness to pain. Is it any wonder, then, that the traumatized individuals themselves cannot tolerate remembering it and that they often resort to using drugs, alcohol, or self-mutilation to block out their unbearable knowledge? - Bessel Van der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score:  Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing Of Trauma.

We care about soldiers when they return home, but we turn our back on them in the days that follow.  As soon as their nightmares filled with demons begin to exhibit themselves, we turn to our own happy places.  We fail to see the anguish they go through and how difficult it is for them to deal with PTSD.  We long to help, but we don't know how.  We long to make things better for them, but we distance ourselves from their hidden pain and suffering.

Celebrate The Sound Of Silence

In our day, there are too many noises and distractions. Sure, we tune most of them out, but they are still there lurking in the shadows. I remember reading Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor's account of how aware she was of the noises around her. In fact, I remember her saying something about working sometimes while using ear plugs to drown out the noises.

I am one of those sensitive people when it comes to noises. My ears pick them up as it does simple sounds around me. Sometimes it is a contest between my cat and I as to who picks up more sounds. It is sometimes difficult for me to function in a day where I need to be creative or analytical and having sounds flood through my ears.

Finding Silence In Our World

The other day I was at the park trying to record some nature sounds with my new H2 Zoom Digital Recorder. Right now, I'm loving that recorder but I've still got much to learn in getting exactly what it is that I want to record. I am amazed though at the quality of the recordings that I am able to capture.

Anyway, as I was sitting there in the park and quieting myself, I realized a couple of things. There was much more noise around me than I realized. Yes, I heard the occasional airplane go overhead and for some reason, it seemed like there were many that day. The interesting thing though is I really didn't hear these noises that distinctly until I went back and played the recording on my computer.

In the recording, I found there were various people noises around me that maybe I picked up but I did not hear plainly until I listened to the recording. The planes that I heard overhead seemed to be far off in the distant but on the recording, they were much more distinct than what I thought they were.

There are many projects going on where people are seeking completely silence. In fact, some of the people who record nature sounds will state that they struggle to find truly silent places with no noise. The areas in our world that offer this are becoming much more difficult to find.

Most of us go through our day and we fail to hear all the noises that surround us. From the hum of the florescent light and buzz of a computer fan all the way to the noises of cars, engines, motors and airplanes, we are surrounded. There is so much of these things that we have grown accustomed to, that we do not truly hear them. They exist in the distance to us.

Yet, I can't help but wonder just how much they impact the body and mind. They are noise clutter in our day an they crowd out things that are truly around us which are beautiful to hear. The nervous system has to react to these stimuli in one way or another.

At one time, we lived in a major city and there was constant noise all around us. Even if you lived a distance from one of the main roads, there was hardly a time where things really seemed quiet. Distant noises traveled for miles. Even though it seemed quiet at night or in the back yard, there was noise all around us.

As we find those quiet places in life, we will discover just how many birds and other nature sounds are around us. There is much more there than we can usually pick up on. I still think back to the day we were sitting out in the front of our house and the spring time birds were chirping wildly with joy. Yet, people who were out for a walk failed to notice the loudness of the birds.

Our body does need time for stillness and silence in order to reflect, ponder and create our tomorrows. If we constantly surround our life with noise, than we are robbing ourselves of one of the greatest parts of being human.


Blog Post & Images (c) 4/11/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Oprah - Male Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Part 2

This post is about my experience being part of the 200 male survivors on show airing November 5 and November 12. Please tune into the Oprah show to view these episodes and spread the word to all your friends. This post is part two of a two part series.

(Continued from Part 1 on October 28, 2010)

Sitting in a room of 200 male survivors was something that I had never experienced before. I have been to conferences with female survivors but not in a situation like this. To say this experience and being in a room full of male survivors was powerful is an understatement. I will never ever forget this experience and I will never forget the faces of those in this studio and the ones that I got to meet. There were guys from all over the country and Canada there from all walks of life. There were guys that were married, single, fathers, straight, gay and everything in-between. We all were there speaking with one voice.

While there are many ways she could have taken the show and many things she highlighted, their main focus was on telling the world in a dramatic way that there are many male survivors in this world. More importantly, Oprah and her staff wanted to give a voice to male survivors of child sexual abuse so that others out there who are too afraid to speak out, will have the courage to face what was done to them. It is so difficult living in silence and for men who were abused; it is extremely difficult to speak out or to acknowledge what happened.

Boys are taught from an early age that you are to be strong and in control. Boys are not allowed to show weakness and most of the time, emotions are discouraged from an early age. Boys are taught you have to be a man which means most of the time to deny feelings and emotions in our society. Because of this, when the shame and guilt of child sexual abuse is thrust upon young boys, they feel like they cannot speak out. For to speak out shows weakness and little boys are not supposed to go down that road. That is why this show is so critical because the world needs to realize that boys are molested and abused. The world needs to realize that there are many others out there. Each male survivor that feels like they are all alone, will see firsthand in a dramatic way that there are many more out there that have experienced these things.

While the show could have gone in many different directions, they chose to keep the focus very narrow as to what I just described. I wish that they would have acknowledged more gays that have been abused but there is such a stigma in our society. The underlying thought is that if you are a male survivor, you are going to go out and molest other children, especially if you’re gay. Of course, this is such a load of BS and a very backwards view. Most people who are male survivors do not go on to molest children and just because you are gay does not mean a thing on this. I know many male survivors who question their sexuality, wondering if the abuse made them gay. One wise person once told me that being abused by a man does not make you any more gay than being abused by a woman makes you straight. Those were some wise words that more of this world needs to understand.

I also wish the show would have gone more into recovery and the people who had really turned their lives around. However, we would have been there forever taping these episodes because that is a lot of ground to cover. My hope is that Oprah or Tyler Perry or someone else will do a show on survivors that have really healed and reclaimed their lives. There is hope and possibility from those who have struggled through the pains and horrors of the past. This show however, just touches on these subjects because there was not enough time to go into all of that.

Overall, I’m happy with the way the show will most likely appear and think that it is going to be a powerful statement to the world. I hope each person that can, will tune in and watch this because we as a society need to understand that these things are going on all around us. We can hide our head in the sand like many of us do, but until we confront this epidemic problem head on; we’ll continue to destroy the lives of many of our young boys.

Statistics show that 1 in 6 boys have been sexually abused before the age of 16. Think about that for a moment. Identify 6 boys or men that you know and then realize that most likely; one of these has been abused. That is a mind blowing thought. Yet, we as a society hide our heads in the sand and when situations confront us or appear before our eyes, we tend to discount and dismiss what our mind is throwing up as warning signs. Too many times, we do not want to get involved or we want to believe the problem will just go away. Too many times, we feel if we just talk to the potential perp, that the problem will go away. These perps know how to seduce children and they know how to do it right before the watchful eyes of those around the children. They laugh and mock those who fail to see it. Perps are not stupid. Perps are not just some strange looking man on the street corner. They are fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins, preachers, deacons, teachers, community leaders and the list could go on and on. More often than not, the perps are known to the children and their families.

Anyway, I’m almost off track of what this write up was about. As you will see when you watch the show, many of these things will come out from the interviews that are aired. You will see how difficult the struggle is to reclaim your life and how often survivors of child sexual abuse act out as a result. You will see how alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual addictions, relationship issues, depression, anxiety and many other things tends to be the normal life for survivors of child sexual abuse. Each person on this show is a testament to the strength and endurance of the human spirit because none of these things are easy to live through.

There is so much I could tell about this entire experience but it would get too long for anyone to read. I met so many wonderful men there and I felt safe with them. Some of them I got to interact with more than others and will most likely forge long term friendships with them. Each person there impacted my life in a dramatic way and I will always be grateful for the experience. I am so excited that Oprah is using her life and her media platform to highlight a big problem tearing apart our society.

It was interesting that even the producer who initially interviewed me on the phone was a male survivor. Yet, until this show was about ready to tape, he had not disclosed that to anyone. He most likely will be featured on the show. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for him to hear story after story and put this show together. I am overjoyed when I see someone making a big difference by being true and honest with themselves.

How all of this is going to impact my life, I am not sure at this moment. It is one of those life changing moments though that has helped me to see, I do not need to be silent. I do not need to live in fear of what my abusers may or may not do to me. They’ve already taken so much from me and they have thrown me aside to find my own way in the world. From this point forward, I don’t plan on standing in the silent shadows any longer. If my abusers do not like that, then it is they that will have to get over it. I’m taking back my life. I’m claiming what is mine.

So tune in on November 5 because this episode will be one that will impact the world and will hopefully begin a new dialogue where male survivors feel empowered to reach out and heal the wounds that were inflicted upon them. May each of us that survived these horrible moments find peace, comfort and healing. May society and the world stop allowing these things to remain hidden in the dark corners of humanity.

And as I write these words, I am well acquainted with the fact that the impact of this show is hitting me hard emotionally. It has challenged me to the core and I am reconnecting with the strength I hold within myself.

Mark your calendars or set your TIVO to record the show on November 5 and November 12. Send an email and post a link on Facebook to let all your friends know about this very important show. I realize there are probably other questions that someone reading this may want to ask and know but until the show airs, I'll probably refrain a little from posting much more. Feel free to leave a question through the comment feature and what I feel I can answer at this point, I will do that for everyone to see.

Keep checking back as all of this takes place because as I connect with this show again, I'll most likely be sharing more about how it impacted me and the effects on male survivors and our world.

Other Resources: The Male Survivor Organization

(Above Picture (c) 10/28/10)

Oprah - Male Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Part 1

This post is about my experience being part of the 200 male survivors on show airing November 5 and November 12. Please tune into the Oprah show to view these episodes and spread the word to all your friends. This post is part one of a two part series.

The days and weeks leading up to the taping of the Oprah show on Oct 20, 2010 were like riding an emotional roller coaster. There were ups and downs and loops and jerks and just about everything you can imagine. I went through the fears of what I would say if I was going to be on the show and would I feel safe to speak my truth. It wasn’t easy and finally a few days before we were to fly up there, I found a peace within myself. I am now at a point in life, where I really do not care what my abusers say or think. If they do not like me speaking out about the horrific things they did to me and others, than I’m sorry, but to be very blunt, that is their problem!

Taking off for Chicago was fun because Jeff and I rarely get to fly anywhere and we don’t take too many trips because of how expensive it is to travel. This trip was paid completely by Oprah. From the initial contacts with her staff to the point of travel arrangements and then at every point during the trip, the staff of Oprah were extremely professional, compassionate and top notch. I cannot say enough about them because I was very impressed.

Arriving in Chicago early in the morning gave us some time to get to the hotel and then do a little exploring. We were extremely tired because of getting up so early that we did not go too far but just walked around downtown. The hotel we stayed in was one of the nicest we have ever stayed in. It was fun just to be in the downtown part of Chicago and I took plenty of pictures. While most of the people that flew in for this show arrived around the same time and were transported by bus, we were taken by a car service. So we didn’t get to connect with all the others at that point.

That night, not knowing everyone was getting together for dinner in the hotel, we stumbled upon everyone with the right timing of when we chose to eat. We met some very interesting people and had fun getting to know a few people. The camaraderie that everyone felt there was out of this world. There was such a strong bond there with people who were strangers, yet we all felt the common connection. While I was a little shy and nervous, it didn’t take long to just fit right in. At the end, there was a grand piano in the lobby and one of the guys talked me into just playing on it. Here I was in a hotel lobby creating music in the moment on the beautiful grand piano.

The next morning, we had to be up at 4am to get on the bus and head to the studio. That was not easy and we were all very tired. Getting to the studios, you go through security and then have to check in any sharp objects and cell phones, cameras, coats, etc until you are leaving the building. I was extremely nervous and in fact, I could barely eat.

As we all started to be seated in the studio, they informed us that we were going to screen the episode that was actually airing this day on the Oprah show. The episode was of Tyler Perry coming out as a male survivor. Viewing Tyler Perry’s story on the screen, there was hardly a dry eye in the place. Hearing about the beatings, the molestation and all that he endured was heartbreaking. I cried throughout this show because some of his experiences hit so close to my heart. It was not easy to see this episode so early in the morning and it left me feeling numb. I had to focus on my breathing just to stay centered and grounded.

After that, they started getting everyone in place so the taping could begin. When Oprah came out, everyone was so happy to see her and she seemed to be genuinely happy to see everyone there. Oprah appeared to me to be just as down to earth and genuine in person as she did on TV. In fact, at one point during the taping she talked about how her back was hurting that morning because the dog decided it was going to take up most of the bed when she tried to sleep that night. That’s a small insignificant story but it just showed to us how real she is. She was very accessible throughout the taping and very responsive to all that were there. I thought there would be many ground rules laid down but the taping took place in the way that things unfolded. I thought there would be more staged and rehearsed moments but it truly happened as we were watching it take place. How it will all be edited together and shown on TV, I have no idea.

One of the most powerful moments of the show came at the beginning. I’m not sure I will be able to watch this part of the show without crying because it was so powerful. Before coming to Chicago, we had been asked to email a photo of ourselves around the time of the abuse. While the picture I submitted was not necessarily when things happened, it was the best quality picture I could find. The studio took our submitted pictures and blew them up to 8x11 size and handed them out to each of us. When you see the show, you most likely will see these pictures. I won’t give any more of it away but as I type this, I’m almost in tears. They say a picture is worth a thousand words – well, maybe in this case, it is worth a few million words.

I’m not completely certain but I believe there will be two shows out of this taping. One will be on November 5 and the other will be a week later on November 12. There was just too much material for her to cover in one show. So, set your VCR/TIVO or whatever you use to record the show if you can’t be home to watch it. I believe it will be a powerful show when they get done editing it together and I doubt many will be able to sit through it without being affected by the content. For now, I’m not sure if I will show up in the show or not because it depends upon the editing and what they include and what they have to omit. There was so much information and segments that were taped so it will be interesting to see the final show.

Jeff and I were sitting directly behind Oprah, the guests and Tyler Perry during the taping. It will be interesting to see how things look in the show because for most of the time, we got to see the backs of everyone with Oprah but the faces of the audience. I’ve never been in a studio like that but we could see the Teleprompters and cameras with the red lights indicating which ones were on and being used. It felt surreal sitting there with Oprah and Tyler Perry as this unfolded.

There were 200 male survivors that she flew in for the taping of this show. While she tried to use as many of the stories as she could, so many people were not able to talk. However, everyone that was a part of the audience was just as important as those who were highlighted. Oprah made the statement that never before had 200 male survivors been assembled before at one time to tape a show such as this. It was truly a historic moment. According to what one of the guys shared on a forum, there were over 10,000 applications submitted to be on the show and out of that, only 200 were chosen. I feel extremely fortunate that I was there.

Come back tomorrow for part 2 of this series and mark your calendars or set your TIVO to record the show on November 5 and November 12. Send an email and post a link on Facebook to let all your friends know about this very important show.

For Part 2 on my experiences on Oprah, click here

(Above Picture (c) 10/28/10)

I Was Silenced

Some days I want to act as if nothing ever happened to me in life. I want to feel like my life was one of living a normal life like so many others do in our country. I want to not have to think for one more minute in my life about the horrors of hell that I've been through. Many say that this is something you can do if you want to. I say, they have not walked a mile in my shoes.

So many things that I remember and so many things that connect me back to my childhood days are nothing but pain, suffering and misery. Yes, there were some good moments and fun things that happened, but in amongst those things, the horrors came out in force. It was as if you had one moment that was fun and exciting, the horror was mixed within it so that you could not tell one from the other. They were separate but one and the same.

It angers me to no end every time these things crop up and fill my conscious thoughts. They have distorted every view of life that I hold and robbed me of so many things I long for. There is not a day that goes by where I don't listen to the screams of these haunted shadows in the corner. There is not a day that goes by where my actions, my thoughts and my hopes are not influenced by what took place.

The hell that I live through and the hell that invades my body feels like a never ending supply of nourishment that I'd rather not eat. The vile of puke that invades my mouth when I see the pictures of those that did the things to me fills my every sense with disgust filth. I often wonder, do I really have the energy, the courage and the determination to see the fight through that lies before my eyes. I keep telling myself yes, but then I'm constantly reminded of the hell in life.

My mind will never understand what was done to me. My heart will never accept the lies that were told to me. Yet my mind and my heart often struggle to communicate. I'll never know what true love of a father is or for that matter, what true love from those who bore me really means in life. I did not experience it. There is no explanation that can make up for all that was done. The words of our language are not that powerful and broad.

Healing has shown itself to me but there feels like a million miles that await beyond my grasp. It feels like a carrot that dangles in the wind, enticing me forward only to mock my slowness in reaching to capture it. While I cannot discount how far I have walked on this journey, I become angry at times that I even must walk this journey. I question why does it exist? I question why must I be the one to walk the thousands of miles.

Never in a million years will I understand why I endured the pain of many lifetimes in this current existence. I know all I can do is prove my abusers wrong by coming out victorious in the end. This the greatest arrow I can unleash upon their existence in life.

It is a story that many have tried to silence me on. It is however, a story that must be told. For if I allow this story to lie in a secret grave, I am only allowing it to feed upon others in our midst. There are far too many that tread upon the waters of life as if none of this ever happens when in fact, it often happens right before their very own eyes.

One day, I'll be able to write with detail and clarity all that happened in my life. The abusers will be held up to the light of day for all that they did and their dirty lies and secrets will no longer inhabit a home within my body. One day, they will answer for all that they inflicted upon me and others, and they too will have to account for every bit of it. Of course, they that did this to me and others, know exactly their identity.

One day, there will be freedom from these things and the pains and hurts of the past will diminish with time. With hope, the body and the mind will be able to travel onward in life putting the distance of a thousand oceans between all that happened. I was silenced for too many years of my life but no longer will I live in silence. This story must be told. The facts must show through and the abusers be held to the light.

(Above Picture taken at Deltona, FL - (c) 11/03/09)

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Report Child Abuse

Sometimes we do not see what is right before our eyes. Maybe it is because what we need to see is so horrible that it is easier to ignore it. Perhaps, what is before us does not fit into our view of the world. Of course, if we are not aware of what it is that we see, the images could be unrecognizable before our eyes.

I remember a scene in the movie, What The Bleep, when there was a person standing on the shore of the ocean looking outward. At first, she could not see anything in the distance. Then, she could not understand that which she saw. It was not until the Native American came along and touched her awareness that she then recognized and became conscious of the ships in the ocean. They had been there the entire time but until she became consciously aware of them, they were unknown dots on the horizon.

Recently, a friend of mine had a child who was approached by a man they knew. He made a statement that could sound innocent if you weren't paying attention. But if you allowed yourself a moment to think about it and become consciously aware, it would creep anyone out. Then, if you started adding in all the other unusual behavior that you had seen by this person, a picture would form. It would clearly show that this situation was not normal and the authorities needed to be contacted.

While this friend recognized these things as being unusual, they confronted the individual directly. Of course, he had an explanation that sounded almost plausible. Yet, it had many holes in it and just did not fully add up. The child was then instructed to stay clear of this house and as far as I know, the authorities were not contacted.

Yes, I do realize that nothing actually happened and the conversation between the man and the child could be analyzed in various ways. However, there were so many red flags that were showing up. Child molesters are crafty, cunning and sneaky. They know how to get children to do things that children would not otherwise do. Maybe the person will not pursue this child any further, but these type of people are skilled at finding their prey. They should never be underestimated and forgotten under any circumstances.

In addition, if my hunch is correct, then there is a chance that other children may be in danger. Of course, no one knows for sure because the authorities have not been contacted. Other children may be experiencing horrendous acts just because everyone is staying silent. We may not want to rock the boat and interfere with the lives of people we know. We may fear them or what could happen, so we remain silent.

If children are being harmed and we stay silent, than we are as much of the problem as the perps who get away with these things. This may sound harsh, but if we don't stand up for the children and expose these perps to the light of day, who will do this? Child abuse molesters know that silence is their greatest weapon outside of the shame that they inflict on their victims.

When I was a child, I went through horrendous abuse. While there is a chance that we hid these secrets deep within our family, I can't help but think that someone saw it and questioned it. Someone out there saw the red flags and did nothing. For whatever reason, everyone that knew us, stayed silent. Oh, how I wished someone would have stood up for me because there was no way I could stand up for myself. I was a small child that was overpowered by those that molested me. I feared for my life and was powerless against my father and older brother.

If you see something taking place or you see the red flags, do not sit silently. Confronting the potential perp is a good step but it may not be enough. Contact your local authorities. Who knows, there may be other similar things being reported and your piece of the story might just form the picture required to take action and save other children.

To sit back and do nothing is inexcusable. You have to follow your intuition that has noticed those red flags. To do anything less, is closing your eyes to your own awareness and consciousness. Remember child molesters know how to prey upon children. Please do not let these perps manipulate your thinking and throw you off the trail of evidence. Our children deserve our protection. They deserve to live life in freedom, not in silence and shame.


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Five Minute Silent Meditation

So often in life, each of us has so much noise, clutter and chaos. We could all probably list many things that consume our attention but really don't get our feet moving from point A to point B. Our minds can become overactive in thinking on these these things.

It can be so difficult to quiet our mind when we have days that are filled from the time we wake up to the time we got to bed. In many ways, modern technology keeps us going at a pace that is in conflict with the frequency of the human body. Yet, if we stopped right now, we would worry just how we would accomplish every thing that was expected of us. Is this the way we truly desire to live life where our beginnings to our day meet the ends of our day?

I'm not going to say it is easy to stop and take ourselves out of our busy lives. It is definitely a challenge. However, we have to consider what is important in our day. What things do we wish to spend our time with during the day? What things matter to us and have the greatest importance? Sure, there are things that we must do to function in life, but if they are our sole focus, than we will be like a dog chasing its tail.

What if we made a commitment with ourselves that we would spend 5 minutes each morning in silent meditation? We could focus on our breath as we allow our mind and body to connect. A quiet place to do this is helpful and best but it can also be done in just about any place. Just focus on giving yourself this time, and block out the noise, chaos and clutter around you. Let your mind be in that moment without giving yourself any input. Let yourself be in the silence of the moment complete with all the sounds happening around you.

Just 5 minutes a day can do many things for the mind, body and spirit. If you have more time available, you may see a greater reward but the important point is just to give yourself this moment. Try not to make the act of doing silent meditation so great that it overwhelms you to the point where it does not happen. Let it flow and happen as you see fit and as you feel is appropriate for you in your life at that moment.

Allow yourself to just be in the moment without concern for what you need to accomplish. Those things will fill your day easily enough. Give yourself this moment to refresh and renew your life's energy. See just how the 5 minute act of silent meditation affects your day and your life.



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Mindfully Present

Have you ever just stopped and listened to what is around you? Have you noticed all the sounds that may be present? Sure, there are times when we hear the familiar sounds we know very well. But, just how much do we really hear and notice and take in? So often we are too busy in our lives to notice and be mindful of our surroundings.

If you really want to reset and be mindfully present, try quieting yourself and listening to what is around you. You may want to take a notebook with you and record all that you hear. See how many different sounds you can pick up on. Observe all that you can see. Notice everything that is going on. Allow yourself to be part of the moment, pushing aside all other thoughts, worries, and things you need to accomplish for your day. This time is about allowing yourself to be mindfully present in the moment.

For there is no better moment of rest that is energizing, refreshing and inviting than to surround yourself with the symphony of nature. All too often, we are too busy in our lives to just stop and let our mind, body and spirit be in the moment.

It is so easy for us to get caught up in our days, filled with electronics of all flavors, type and sizes. We are constantly bombarded by noise from the TV news, the cars rushing by or the chatter of our fellow humans. While many of these things may be a necessary part of our day, we need to balance our lives with time away from these noises. We cannot expect to let go when we are constantly bombarded with noise that never stops.

So, find a place in nature somewhere, as far removed from the city hustle and bustle, that you can. Take some fresh, cool water with you. When you arrive at your spot, make yourself comfortable. If you're having a difficult time quieting your thoughts, acknowledge them and then just sit there focusing on your breathing. Tell yourself, if you need to, that all the stresses and worries of your day are not needed int his moment. Let them go for now, because they will be there when you are done. However, they may appear different.

Then as you sink into the moment, just allow yourself to be there as an observer. Take note of all that you see, feel, sense, observe and pick up. If it feels right, try to record these things on a notebook, but stay mindful and present. Just sit there with all that is going on. Take in everything and see what shows up that you may not easily see. Just observe and notice it all.

Once you have finished, be thankful for this time. Then, notice how the rest of your day goes. Is there a change in how you view things in your life? Is there a change or shift in you? Do you feel a sense of ease? Just observe and notice all of it. Take it all in.


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Ignore The Pain

How far am I willing to go to ignore pain?

One of the things I have been thinking about lately through the tooth pain, is just how much I ignored it. I really didn't think I was ignoring the pain, but as I look back, I realize that I was. It took such an intense pain that would not give up, to push me to actually do something about it. Imagine the depths I went to just to avoid the inevitable of going to the dentist.

At first, I was having a painful wrist, where it was hard to do anything with my right hand. I was trying to explain it in my mind as carpal tunnel or spending too much time using the mouse on my computer. Little did I realize at the time, my body was compensating for me during my sleep time at night. It was helping me to avoid laying on the side of my face that hurt by using my hand to shield me from the pain. I was completely oblivious that this was going on. Yet, I felt the wrist pain.

Then there was the sore throat and the barely felt tooth pain, which I just passed off to heat stress and allergies from yard work. However, the tooth pain and pressure in my jaw persisted days after these stresses. Yet, I did not allow myself to connect with the pain. I was oblivious to it.

Even the days leading up to the start of the horrible tooth pain, I tried to ignore the nuisance of it. I remember using ice packs on my mouth to help relieve the pain. This was all done in silence and away from the view of house guests we had staying with us.

For I could not let anyone know the truth about how bad the pain was. If I did, then everyone would have seen the shame that I harbored deep within me, I reasoned. I didn't want anyone to see that. The shame I felt from being triggered to things in my past was nothing I wanted anyone to know about. I suffered in silence, hoping that all of this would just go away.

The thing is, the pain got so intense that I had to push through the fears and shame to make an appointment. I was so scared to call the dentist office that I sat with the intense pain for many days. For in my mind, it was not about the tooth that needed attention. It was about the shame that it connects to that my mind so badly wanted to hide from. While that may sound "strange", it is at the root of what is behind my avoidance of the dentist.

Just image though, what my mind and body was willing to do to avoid the pain and not deal with it. It did everything it could to pretend the pain was not there. My body completely disconnected from the pain. It found ways to compensate and shift the pain to other areas, but it was still there. It tried to cover it up and act as if it did not exist.

We all do this in our lives to on degree or another. It may be back pain, neck pain, illness, disease, colds and flu, headaches, financial stress or just about any other situation we face in life. If this sounds too far fetched, read any one of Dr John Sarno's books and see what the body connects to and how far it is willing to go. Times of pain, discomfort and frustration in our lives, is the way in which our body, mind and spirit try to get our attention.

It is the wise that listen to these messages from the body and not ignore them. For they show up for a reason. They help us grow, heal, move forward and evolve our lives. If we medicate them or compensate for them, we may alleviate the pain and discomfort temporarily, but it is still there. Not until we go in and deal with these things, will we get to the true source of the pain.

It will be like a tiger waiting in the brush, ready to pounce upon its prey at an unexpected moment. The slightest trigger or unrelated event may begin a cascade of situations that once again bring us front and center with our pain. May we then have the courage to embrace and allow it, instead of compensating and running from it. For when we embrace courage, we truly give ourselves the moment to change our lives forever.

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Piano Meditation Music

Meditation - the moments you spend in solitude and silence with reflection and a listening ear. Yet, these moments sometimes seem to me to be one of the hardest things to embrace in any given day. Between everything that is going on and all that I need to get done, the minutes fly by.

Today as I was sitting there playing my piano, I thought back to all the days that this has been a constant in my life. No matter how difficult the days or the events got in my life, there was always the piano. In fact, between the piano and my pets, I can always find life's center with these things. When nothing else in life gives me a moment of peace or stillness, I always have my piano.

When I was a child, my house was never dull and quiet. There were constant times of screaming, yelling and criticizing. In addition to that, love, touch and companionship, were shown to us in ways that were abusive, harmful and full of evil. It was in those moments, that the only thing I could do was to find a way to escape. For I could not deal with what was taking place at that time and it was not like I could just run away from the situation. There was no place to run to and no place to hide.

During these times, I would turn to my piano and play the songs that I so loved. Most of these were church hymns and choruses because that is all I knew and about all I was ever allowed to work with. Their easy melodies and harmonies along with the gentle and peaceful words found in the verses of the songs, made for some beautiful moments of connectedness for my life.

Today as I was playing some of these songs, I noticed that the pain and turmoil of the past are brought up within the notes. For the pain and turmoil was as much a connection for me to these songs as the peaceful moments were. And while the pain and turmoil is sometimes still overwhelming to me, there is a side of these songs that takes me into a space unlike any other. It is a place of deepness, far removed from this world.

One could say it is a place of meditation or spirituality but to me it goes much deeper than that. It is very hard to describe. I know I have read that Yanni talks about going into a black space when he creates. I'm sure what he is talking about and what I'm talking about are our own similar experiences with this. I'm sure each artist knows first hand what this space is.

It is a beautiful place to be and travel into. It does give me the opportunity to be deep in meditation. To me, meditation is not only about sitting cross legged in silence. It is much more that that. Meditation is a deep connection to what is not readily seen or heard. I'm always amazed at just how much insight, awareness and communication I receive when I'm deep in the meditative moments of playing my piano and creating.

May you find those deep moments within yourself that give you reset, renewal and a different outlook. May your own meditation bring you deeper within yourself.

While I don't record most of what I play in these moments, some of the music has made it on to my CD's of relaxing piano music from the heart. This music often comes out of those times and sound clips can be found on iTunes, Amazon, Spotify.

For More Information on Don Shetterly, Visit his website at http://www.donshetterly.com


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