Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Push Through The Fear

Push Through The Fear
I must push through it!  Yes, I must.   When I get ready to go into a healing moment, my fears rise up like a stormy sea desiring to bash me into the largest cliffs on the shore.  I must push through the fear for if I don't, the fear will overcome this moment.  It isn't easy, but I know I can do it.  It isn't fun experiencing these things, but then I know that out of these moments, there is a peace and calmness that awaits.

All my life, I have had fear in one way or another.  At times where I am expected to be there and "perform" (for lack of a better word), I head down the one way street of fear.  I struggle to hold the reins of these galloping horses as they speed off into the dark and stormy night.  No matter what I tell myself or what I do, the automatic pilot kicks into gear and my conditioned response plays out as if it knows what to do.

From the sick times of my abuser who used these healing moments as a sword against my life, I have struggled to separate out the good from the bad.  At one time, it was the thing that "started" the series of events where my body and mind would escape.  It was the point where my little brain could not begin to comprehend what was happening to me, and so I fled into a world where there was no pain.  It is in that moment that I must reclaim those fragmented parts of myself.  It is in this moment that I have to push through the fear.

My legs get wobbly, my heart races and my body temperature goes way up into the heights of anxiety in anticipation of entering this healing moment.  Part of my mind continues to state to me that I am prepared and ready to do this work, and part of my mind says get out of my way - I'm coming through!  I'm leaving the building.  It is a battle within myself to keep myself present and to get out of the way of my ego.  If I can let the ego run out the door, than I would be much further ahead, but the fears and doubts flood over me quicker than I realize.

I stand up now against this fear and say, enough is enough!  I'm not going to let you choke me with the leash I gave you.  I'm no longer going to sit here and have you run my life. I want my life back.  I want these parts back so that I can enter this healing space from my heart, not my ego.  As in Joy Harjo's poem, come here fear, I'm so alive and you are so afraid of dying.

Today I ask my angels to just be with me and guide me.  Help me step outside of myself and realize that what I need will be there in this moment.  Let me know that you are not only watching over me, but you are guiding me and supporting my every word, movement, and action.  I rest these fears in your hands for I know that together I am much more than I currently understand.

Help me to push through the fear and not be overtaken by it.  Let me see that I can rise above it and come out victorious.  Help remind me that I do not have to go down this road of fear and that I am free to choose differently.

Blog Post And Images (c) 1/8/13 by Don Shetterly

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