Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Anger As A Child Abuse Survivor

I feel very vulnerable when I write and share this.  After all, aren't I supposed to be healed because I'm a healer?  Aren't I supposed to be able to move past my anger if I'm a healer?  Unfortunately, anger from being a child abuse survivor is operating at peak performance.

I'm admitting it.  I have an anger problem, damn it!  I try to hide it.  I try not to show it.  Heck, for years I just stuffed it deep down inside.  It was much easier for me that way.

Anger was always taught to me from an explosive father that would yell, scream, abuse anyone close to him including my mom.  If there was anything near by he could pick up, he would use it to knock some sense into us.  I've been hit with boards, shovels, garden hoes and probably far more things than I can even remember.

It was the way I was taught about anger.  I was scared of anger and even beginning to show it.  As I went through therapy and healing, I started to be brave and let it out.  Unfortunately the flood gates opened and broke and now it seems like my angry outbursts show up all too often.

I'm trying.  I'm trying to get it under control and make sure it doesn't consume those around me.  Some days I do pretty well and other days I kind of suck at it.

I still struggle to find an effective way that helps me release it.  It feels like a pressure cooker inside of me that is going to go off no matter what I do.  Thinking happy thoughts, meditation, breathing - most of it doesn't work.

While I hate admitting it, I really want to unleash the anger on those that hurt me and despise me as a result.  I want to make them hurt as much as they made me hurt and I want them to feel the pain I still feel in my mind, my body and my daily life.

Why should they get a reprieve from it?  I hope they suffer for what they did to me.  I have no love for them and yet, I'm told time and time again that I need to forgive them.  Right - not easy!  I'm not sure if I want to forgive them because it feels like I'm letting them off the hook.  No way, no how do I want to do that.

At times I'm lost with this anger.  It took me years to get in touch with it and now I wish it wasn't there.  I'd like to think I could just hide it and say "serenity now" or some other foolish thing, but you know what - I could go and hold my head under water and expect to breathe as well.

I'm not one to do quick things of sugar coating something to make it appear as if it is over.  I either go full force and head into it completely, or I live with it until I'm ready to do this.  Yes, I'm hard headed but that trait got me walking again and functioning after dealing with Conversion Disorder.

There is so much anger in the world today and I can feel it.  It makes me angry and I can barely take that.  I wish I had a magic pill that truly worked.  I wish that I could just say it is so and it would help.  Unfortunately, I still haven't graduated from anger 101 in the school of life.

Each day though, I keep trying and each day, I hope it gets a little better.  Its what I have to hold on to in this moment.  It is hope!

Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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