Why Didn't I Know Better?

For a long time, I didn't let that little boy off the hook.  I kept thinking, why didn't I know better?  Why didn't I tell someone to help make the abuse to stop?  Why did I let it keep happening?

These questions are common among those of us who have been sexually abused as children.  They are questions that seem to haunt survivors with no end in sight.  Unfortunately, when we are adults, we see things differently than when we were young kids.  What seems normal and reasonable to an adult is anything but that to a child.

One of the things I've done to help orient my mind from looking at this in a detrimental way is trying to find a kid that is around the age I was when the abuse happened.  I try to reason in my mind if this kid is able to stop an adult or know what is right and wrong?  Is this kid able to stand up to the child molester and say enough is enough?  Is this kid able to stop everything from happening?

The answer is usually NO! 

There is no way that a kid has the ability to understand what is going on especially when it is someone they trust or look up to or that takes care of them.  Kids aren't built with adult minds of understanding at the age most of this abuse takes place.  They are kids.  They have the mind and experience of a kid.  The child molesters know that and take advantage of this.

I'm not 100% certain when the abuse started for me.  I can remember being raped at the age of 5 and left in my own pool of blood to clean up before my mom got home.  I had no clue what as happening at that age.  The threats if I told were not just idle warnings.  I had no one I could turn to and was afraid of what would happen if I even thought about doing telling anyone.  After all, I saw my pets killed for lesser crimes.  If you think watching your pets be killed doesn't send a strong message, please have a conversation with me.

Questioning will tear you apart...

Abuse survivors have to give themselves a break.  It will tear you apart questioning why you could not have stopped things or why you didn't do something different.  The only thing you can do once you are starting to put things together is take care of the person you have become and learn to care and forgive that little kid that had no choice.

Child molesters take away the most intimate and sacred parts of us as a child.  There is no choice by the kid.  There is no consent by the kid.  The child molesters know this and they exploit it past the limits of reasonable explanation.

The next time though you are being a little too hard on yourself as a survivor, do what I do.  Find a kid that is near that age that you are remembering and then see if you can picture that little kid stopping things.  I've got a feeling, you'll find that you see things more clearly.

Most of all, just be good to that part of yourself and work on forgiving YOURSELF.  I know that isn't easy and it definitely takes time and work, but its what I found that I had to do.


Here is a blog post to think about in regards to breaking the silence.  It is a quote by Ellen Bass who wrote, "The Courage To Heal" (one of the first books I ever read on the subject).  Click the following image below to read it.

(click to read)

If you've found other ways that work for you on this topic, please leave a comment below. 

Anger As A Child Abuse Survivor

I feel very vulnerable when I write and share this.  After all, aren't I supposed to be healed because I'm a healer?  Aren't I supposed to be able to move past my anger if I'm a healer?  Unfortunately, anger from being a child abuse survivor is operating at peak performance.

I'm admitting it.  I have an anger problem, damn it!  I try to hide it.  I try not to show it.  Heck, for years I just stuffed it deep down inside.  It was much easier for me that way.

Anger was always taught to me from an explosive father that would yell, scream, abuse anyone close to him including my mom.  If there was anything near by he could pick up, he would use it to knock some sense into us.  I've been hit with boards, shovels, garden hoes and probably far more things than I can even remember.

It was the way I was taught about anger.  I was scared of anger and even beginning to show it.  As I went through therapy and healing, I started to be brave and let it out.  Unfortunately the flood gates opened and broke and now it seems like my angry outbursts show up all too often.

I'm trying.  I'm trying to get it under control and make sure it doesn't consume those around me.  Some days I do pretty well and other days I kind of suck at it.

I still struggle to find an effective way that helps me release it.  It feels like a pressure cooker inside of me that is going to go off no matter what I do.  Thinking happy thoughts, meditation, breathing - most of it doesn't work.

While I hate admitting it, I really want to unleash the anger on those that hurt me and despise me as a result.  I want to make them hurt as much as they made me hurt and I want them to feel the pain I still feel in my mind, my body and my daily life.

Why should they get a reprieve from it?  I hope they suffer for what they did to me.  I have no love for them and yet, I'm told time and time again that I need to forgive them.  Right - not easy!  I'm not sure if I want to forgive them because it feels like I'm letting them off the hook.  No way, no how do I want to do that.

At times I'm lost with this anger.  It took me years to get in touch with it and now I wish it wasn't there.  I'd like to think I could just hide it and say "serenity now" or some other foolish thing, but you know what - I could go and hold my head under water and expect to breathe as well.

I'm not one to do quick things of sugar coating something to make it appear as if it is over.  I either go full force and head into it completely, or I live with it until I'm ready to do this.  Yes, I'm hard headed but that trait got me walking again and functioning after dealing with Conversion Disorder.

There is so much anger in the world today and I can feel it.  It makes me angry and I can barely take that.  I wish I had a magic pill that truly worked.  I wish that I could just say it is so and it would help.  Unfortunately, I still haven't graduated from anger 101 in the school of life.

Each day though, I keep trying and each day, I hope it gets a little better.  Its what I have to hold on to in this moment.  It is hope!

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Too Quick Too Judge

We are far too quick to judge and way too slow to forgive.

Asking Pointless Questions Helps You Heal

I get so tired of hearing people use different variations of the statement, "just move on" or "just get over it".  Some may realize they are doing this, but many may not.  To tell someone that is struggling in life through a traumatic experience to just move on is about one of the most hurtful things you can do to them.

When I came out of the hospital from having a Conversion Disorder and being totally paralyzed, I was met with a lot of encouragement.  Unfortunately there were those that would say, "just pray about it" or "you just need to forgive and move on" or "just let it go".   I could make a million statements here of things that people said and none of them were the least bit helpful.

I remember telling one person that told me to just pray about my situation, that if you had broken your arm, would you just pray about it and hope it would heal?  More than likely you would go to a doctor and have them set it in a cast to get it to heal.  Praying can be good and has been shown through research to help in healing, but we all need to get real!  Words can hurt, even if you think you are saying something good.

Buddy Helm Drumming

Buddy Helm was a drummer for many years for different bands and has studied the drum beats with intensity. We had the unique opportunity of sitting in one of his afternoon drumming workshops at Cassadaga.

He takes you through a very fun couple of quick passing hours with various drumbeats and how each drum beat comes together. Plus he takes it further and gives you a chance to give your brain a new message. It is when the drum beat gets at a certain beat, that your brain is very receptive to all kinds of information.

Here's a video of a little about him. The video quality isn't great but it sort of shows you what he does. The audio part is the more important part.




This video is one he did recently at Cassadaga and it is very specific but again it gives you an idea of what he does with the drumming.



The reason I post this is that it was a very powerful afternoon workshop and it was so much fun. He involves everyone that attends and you become as much a part of the workshop as the workshop itself. I felt so relaxed when I was done and had such a positive outlook as well.