Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Family and Forgiveness

Why do I desire that which so tormented and abused me throughout my life? My question I raise to myself is that of why do I long for this "Leave It To Beaver" family view when I know that is not reality for my life. I do not write these things as an attempt to derive pity from them. They are written as an attempt for me to confront them and understand these things.

When I see families enjoying each other and staying in touch or having fun at holiday celebrations, I become jealous, hurt and dazed. Yes, I remember some of those family times that we shared on holidays which I loved but yet, these same times were filled with some of the most horrible moments of abuse and trauma one could barely imagine. I do realize as well that some of these families that appear to be enjoying happy family events, are also enduring the hidden skeletons in the closet.

The trouble is that I realize I did not grow up in a nurturing, loving and caring family. My family was anything but that from the abuse to the daily torment .

However, I seem to struggle with my mind running wildly into the fields of family fantasy land, wishing that what was not there, in essence was reality. My mind fails to comprehend how life fell so short for me while my mind struggles to find the capacity to understand why I still long for that which I did not have.

Oh how I could go on and on, writing these things but still coming up short. My longing is for something I never had, nor will I ever have. It is like Oprah said, "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different."

Maybe my quest is not about reconciling a world of fantasy and reality but of learning to let go of the past and finding deeper forgiveness for myself. In all reality, I know that most likely I'm not alone in this quest.

I know I've come a long ways in my own healing and forgiveness, but at times like this, I see the struggle of a journey that continues. May I continue to come to a greater understanding of what forgiveness truly means just like many that are reading these words.

Further Reading:
1) Forgiveness Is Difficult (Blog Post 5/15/11)
2) End Of The Oprah Era (Blog Post 6/1/11)

Blog Post & Images (c) 7/3/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only

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1 comment:

  1. no, you are not alone. there are millions of people who also do the same, and it is okey.. I can't help but to ask myself, did I experience this for a reason..and usually the answers are obvious, I have learned so much from going through so much..and it is okey..We all wonder what if? this is ego's way of thinking, think with your spirit and it will always give you a positive and a loving view. If thoughts create reality, why not just change thoughts, nothing is bad or good unless if we brand it to be. Look at this, all of your experiences have concluded in creating you, who is verbal, expressive, empathic, symphatetic, kind, understanding..and you are even sharing all this with others, in order to make others think..and it is making it okay for them, giving a ray of sunshine or light of hope. Truly god does not make junk and we are in perfect essence like him, we just hang on to the negativity a little longer at times..I am guilty of this also, and after so much,I decide when to stop.. and that is the beauty , we have free will and free choice, maybe not as children but sure do as adults..






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