Taking Away Their Pain

Written by Don Shetterly

Many of us who are extremely sensitive truly struggle when we see others hurting.  We want to take their pain away, but more often than not, we don't have the power to do this.  I wish I could heal and take away the pain of so many, but that's just not how life happens.


While I realize we can be there with others in their pain, there is a big difference between that and taking away their pain.  Pain is there for a reason.  I wish I understood why it is for everyone, and why it is in my own life.  I'm not that smart and I doubt very few people can truly say with one hundred percent certainty.

I see many things come through my mail promising to alleviate pain.  After all, who wants pain in their lives?  Unfortunately, most of these things are a band-aid applied to a gushing wound.  Now before you say, oh but it did take away my pain, let me explain the misconception here.

If pain and suffering are in our lives for a reason, then if someone takes it away we lose the full impact of why it was there.  If we look to others to take away our pain, we give our own personal power up to them.  If we look to outside forces to fix us and heal us, then we've neglected what our own mind and body are capable of doing.

Keep in mind that these so-called pain relief treatments, models, and remedies do not often heal the pain.  They only mask it for a short time.  I say this because if they truly healed the pain or situation in your life, then one treatment would be all you would ever need.

If someone helps you...

Instead, if someone helps you find your way from pain, then you've got the possibility of being empowered with your own mind and body to take that healing further than you ever thought was possible.  If someone helps you find the way to healing your pain, you now learn new tools that will assist you in the future.  It isn't just a one time fix.  It is like teaching someone to fish, rather than only giving them the fish.

I personally believe that pain and suffering are there in our lives to help bring us further into our own awareness of who we are.  The more we go through moments of suffering, the more we wake up and discover all that we are.  Does that make suffering easier to swallow?  Not in my view.  I still struggle with this concept even though I've come to see how true it is in my own life.

It is in understanding what that pain means to our lives and to the world, that we discover so much more about life and consciousness and all that is possible.  Without the pain, we would miss some of those things.  Without learning how to heal the pain, we would miss the lesson.

I am often reminded of the song that Garth Brooks sings, "The Dance".  The line that really stands out to me in this song is, "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance."

If our focus in helping others is just to take away their pain, then we're doing them a disservice.  Sure, we don't want to see them suffer, but we need to help them learn whatever it is that they need to learn.  We need to walk beside them and hold them and be there for them while they make the discovery.  We need to walk through the fire with them, not merely dump water on the embers.

Our greatest gift we can give someone else in helping take away their pain is that we enable them to connect not only with their mind, but with their body. That connection is where the healing forces are found.  When we lift someone up to that moment and we're there walking through the fire with them, the hope and possibility they will have for their life will be multiplied many times.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

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Telling Everyone What To Do

Why is it that humans do this?  I mean, it seems like humans feel like they need to tell everyone what to do.  Is it because they are superior to other people or they just can't help themselves?

I see this happen far too often.  I grew up with it in my house where you had a million people telling you what to do before you knew you needed to hear this.  I still remember learning to drive and between my mom, dad and older brother, I generally had three people all screaming at one time where to park, where to turn, or what to do next.  Talk about a chorus of crazy talk!

Sometimes people just want to share with you what they are struggling with in their mind.  I know I do this.  It is part of how I think through things and if I can verbalize it, then my mind is more able to clearly focus on what is happening.  I generally talk as a way of seeing options and working through the questions that arise.

Unfortunately, far too many people take this as my inability to figure out what I need to do.  Not all that I know do this, but there are several that will readily do this.  It really begins to irritate me because most of the time, very few have all the facts and knowledge that I do on a particular matter.  They haven't walked a mile in my shoes.

It isn't just me though that I see this play out.  I see it in all kinds of people, especially on social media and the internet.  If you say you have a sniffle, people are pretty quick to tell you what you should take to get rid of that.  After all, everyone is a doctor on social media.  If you share a thought online, most of the time no one really reads the whole things, but they are commenting quickly and telling you what you should do, how you should do it and when you should do it.

If you look at the news and politics, there are many that will tell you quickly just what you should be doing with your life, how you should be living and that if you think anything but the way they think, you are wrong. They will tell you how you need get your life in order and that they have the answers for everything you must follow.

Take a look at churches, okay some churches but maybe not all churches.  Some of these people will be quick to tell you how much you have sinned or fallen away from Jesus.  Some will tell you that if you don't do what they say, your life will be nothing but problems and unanswered questions.  They are so quick to tell everyone what to do, it can make your head spin.

Instead of telling everyone what to do, we really need to learn how to listen.  When you listen, it means that you're not talking and telling them what to do.  It means you are listening.  It means the ears are more engaged then the mouth.  It means, you're honoring and respecting the other person by giving your attention to them.

The need to tell everyone what to do comes from the ego. It is often hidden from the individual because the ego is crafty and sneaky.  It does not want you to see what you are actually doing.  Only by becoming conscious and aware can you see what it is that you do.

We don't help the world and everyone around us by telling everyone what to do.  We don't help impact the world in positive ways by making sure that others know what we think, rather than just listening to them.  The art of listening is so underused, but the art of telling others what to do is so over-rated.  May we learn to listen more and refrain from telling everyone what to do.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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No Wonder People Commit Suicide

I'm not surprised these days.  I see a callous attitude by so many towards other people.  No wonder people commit suicide.  This is Suicide Prevention month as I'm writing this, but this blog post applies to any month.

When people are hurting, they don't always have people who truly understand or want to listen.  Too many want to share their wisdom with the person, rather then doing what the person needs most - LISTEN!  To many say they are there, but few are.

I've gone through things in my life that most people will never experience.  I've had to walk away from the lifeblood of my existence and pick up the shattered pieces one at a time.  I've had to keep myself going financially and emotionally.  I've had to learn to walk again, remember basic things, and function with every day life.  It hasn't been easy.  It isn't easy.

I've been through experiences that I can't even describe to anyone.  I've been through heartbreak and turmoil and trauma that would be an unbelievable fictional story.  I cannot find the words to describe it.

We Have It Good

As I was viewing a historical site, Ft Boonesborough, I just had one of those moments of reflection.  I was looking at the cabins within the fort and seeing all their living conditions.  There was nothing great and everything they had was limited.

If they had a wooden bed to sleep on up off of the floor, it was a lot.  They didn't just go down to their local Target, Walmart, or IKEA and buy a bed.  They had to make it and that meant cutting trees down, sawing them up and putting it all together.  Even if they did all of that, having a nice mattress or comforter and sheets was a luxury.

In one cabin, there was nothing more than a straw bed on a dirt floor.  Imagine that!  I know some in this world still live in those conditions.  In the United States, we don't even consider these conditions.  It doesn't even enter our consciousness most of the time.  We are often oblivious to what occurs in our world, unless it is a newscast on the TV.

Let Aaron's Wish Be Your Example

I came across a recent news article that touched my heart and obviously many other people felt the same way as I did. It is one of those moments where you see that there is good in this world and there are other people who want to make a difference as well.  All too often, we are possessed in this world by those who are only out to get all they can get and enhance their own lives out of selfishness and greed.  In this case, it shows the humanity of this world.

You may have heard of Aaron's wish that he left in his will.  Of course, you can read his story by going to the website his brother set up for him, www.aaroncollins.org .  One of the things that Aaron wanted to do after he died was leave a generous tip of $500 to a waiter or waitress.  This was intended to be a tip to a server for a simple meal or in his words a pizza.  He intended to really impact a person's life in a way that would be memorable and change their life.

You can see the following video of how the family did this where they found a waitress at random and gave her the $500 tip.  She was over joyed at the gesture and was speechless.  You can see her reaction in the video on YouTube of Aaron's Last Wish.

Boundaries For A Helping Heart

One of the things that I have struggled within life is that my heart is often larger than the boundaries I have in place.  As a result, I've often been worked over, abused, used and put in situations where it was just dog gone uncomfortable.  I'm afflicted with the syndrome of lacking boundaries for a helping heart.

You see, I never learned good boundaries when I was growing up and it is something I've spent much time trying to teach myself.  Any boundaries I had when I was a child was crossed over and over again without the slightest thought of respect towards me by people who were close.  This has carried over into my adult life and made some situations pretty difficult.

People flash their pretty eyes at me and share what they want to do, and poof - the next thing I know, I'm hooked into tasks that I should have just said NO, in the first place.  Sometimes I get the phrases that "oh you are so smart and know how to do this" or "I just have no idea what to do".  Sometimes, being intelligent or understanding many things about different subjects feels like a curse.  Yet, I do not want to be selfish, but saying NO, or setting up a boundary with parameters is scary.  To be honest, when someone strokes my ego, it makes it harder to say no!

The Cat Knows

I'm always amazed at our cats for they seem to know what we are going through when sometimes, we don't even fully understand it. Our two cats are very perceptive and I am sure many could say the same thing about their cats. These cats just seem to feel, sense and know what we know but without all the distractions of life.

The other day, I was struggling and not able to focus. Our orange cat, Corey, knew this and was by my side to offer his assistance. His assistance though in amongst the purrs and sharing his love with me was the desire to play.

Even though I didn't really want to be bothered at that moment, I tried to oblige him by playing for a few moments and then letting him be on his own. That was not good enough for Corey and so he would find ways to get my attention and bring me back to a place where we could play. He did this repeatedly until I gave in to his play time.

Yet, I learned that the playtime wasn't really for him. It was his way of helping me get my mind off of some things and just stop for the moment. Corey knew deep down that if I did this, he would help me immensely. Of course, Corey loves to play and he loves to look after his humans but this particular day, he was there to help me out.

Cats are so amazing and I would really be lost without them. I've had a cat most of my life. They are just there when you need them most and it is wonderful to come home and see them meet you at the door or to just have something loving to greet you when you take a break.

We often say that they are "OUR" two cats but I think if you asked our cats about this, they would say, we are their humans that they watch out for and love!




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Blog Post & Images (c) 6/11/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

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Feeling Hungry Nobody Wants

I am an avid supporter of Children International. Starting back in 1991, I had lost everything in life from family, health, the place where I lived and my income. It was a time where I barely had enough to buy food for myself. However, I made a pledge that I would support one child each month and help give them maybe just a little better life.

So in 1995, I started sponsoring my first child at Children International. Jose was from Guatemala and I enjoyed the regular letters and colored pictures that I would get from him in addition to the photos of how he was growing. Of course when he got to 16 years old, I had to select a new child. Now I am sponsoring Erick.

There have been moments that I didn't think I could keep the sponsorship up and times when I've had to put it on hold but I try and do all that I can. From the letters I get, it does make a difference in their lives. I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to be part of a focus group several years ago and got acquainted with the organization.

While there are some that just prey on people through advertisements, Children International is a real organization that is truly helping people in the most efficient way possible.

As I was reading the magazine of stories about sponsorship that they put out, one article touched very close to home. "Feeling hungry is a feeling nobody wants; it is terrible." If you have ever grown up hungry, you know exactly what these words mean. I never had it as bad as these children do but I do remember going through times in my childhood where I was hungry and it was not fun.

The article (on page 6, Journeys, Winter 2011) goes on to state "Most children who attend this school do not eat anything before coming to school." Imagine how the mind is supposed to work if there is no food in the stomach. No wonder these children cannot make it in life.

Yes, I know there are some out there that could make all kinds of arguments (or what I call excuses) as to why these people are in the situation they are but until you've walked a mile in their shoes, your arguments are invalid. I apologize in advance if anyone does not want to hear that but in all honesty, it is true. We as a country waste billions of dollars on things such as political races, buying the latest and greatest electronics and throwing stuff away that some people in this world would find luxuries.

My hope is that we as a country will wake up, open our eyes and see what we can do to be part of the solution instead of being part of the problem. If we are not doing anything to help, than we are part of the problem. There are people all over the world and in our communities that are going hungry and need help. Let us not turn a blind eye to them.

To learn more about sponsorship through Children International, please check out my sponsor page or go to Children.org




Blog Post & Images (c) 1/9/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only

It's Ok If They Struggle

It's OK to sit with pain! It's OK to be in a space that seems dark, gloomy and full of despair. It's OK to be in a place of struggle, not quite knowing where the road leads. It is OK to be in that place where life seems to be smacking you around with no end in sight.

Unfortunately, for people watching someone experience these things, it is not OK. Others so badly want to deliver us from the pain and suffering. They feel it is necessary and their responsibility to do this. They struggle with difficulty to see when a person is in these moments. To them, it is not OK to see people suffer, be in pain and observe someone fighting to find their way.

Yet, just as good times are a part of life, so are the difficult times. Struggle and success are the same things, just opposites on a spectrum. Making it in life denotes that one came through the struggle. Without the struggle, they would most likely not have reached the moment they are at. It is almost like you cannot experience one without the other. Both are expected in order to fully grasp that which is good.

So often, people who care for and love others, struggle to watch another person experience what appears to be the low, difficult moments in life. These may be painful moments or times when life's problems and difficulties appear to be winning. Yet, if the individual did not experience the full range of their own life's experiences, would they truly grow in the way the needed to? Would the lesson that life was trying to offer them be taken away if they missed these true moments of stumbling? I would suggest that we need these moments because they are critical to our life. They may very likely be laying the foundation for future lessons. Without these experiences, we may not be prepared for what lies ahead.

In my own life, I was paralyzed and suffered through deep despair, depression and anxiety. I struggled to not only hold on in life but to even determine there was a path ahead for me. Yet, these moments of struggle prepared me for the road ahead. They gave me courage and strength to go into my own life's horrors. Without them, the healing that needed to happen would have been too difficult and great for me to experience.

Just like all of life is a dance, if we miss the pain, we would miss the dance. We cannot have one without the other. To wish that a person would not experience these things is to deprive them of all of their life's experiences. It is as much a part of who someone is and if we in any way hold a person back in feeling or experiencing these moments, then are we truly helping that person?

Yes, I know how hard it is to watch others deal with rough times. To see someone in pain, or dying or just struggling makes us want to ease their life through our compassionate eyes. We that love others, desire to see others in their true potential. We want them to experience the fullness of life as we see it.

Often though, our own fears, insecurities and lessons we must learn in life get in the way. Looking through our own filters, we see just one aspect of how someone's life should be. However, we may be unable to see more than that. Our fears should not dictate our interactions with others. Our fears, although well intentioned, may be holding someone back from experiencing and learning major truths for their lives.

Holding the space open means to be there with the person just as they are and having no expectations, judgments or desires. It is being there in that moment, offering yourself in a way that lets them know they can experience and travel these difficult moments to completion. It is being there for them in that moment, not concerned with how long or how difficult their struggle may be. It is clearing our own fears and insecurities in order to be fully present with them at that moment. Truly, it is a connection that goes beyond our own human understanding.

May we realize just how critical it is to be there with the person in these moments. May we realize that we may be standing at the edge of possibility and hope with them. For us to do anything less would be making ourselves and others, less than human. It is our connections that offer the greatest of love and the hope of possibility.


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Compassion Is

Compassion is helping someone take another step in their life with open arms of love, compassion and without judgment.