Sunday, June 26, 2016

Helpless and Weary From Despair - Part 4

This is part 4 of a four part series.  Please read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 before this one.

I started to try and get myself out of the house, even if it was for a little bit.  I was so afraid of monsters hiding everywhere that my anxiety would be at an all time high trying to do this.  I trusted my partner enough to feel safe to take these steps.  Sometimes my anxiety would get so high that my anger would spill over onto everything around me as a way to protect myself.

I started to ask the angels for help.  Think whatever you want to of angels, but I know they are there.  I have felt them and seen them and I know they are with me.  Some people see them as religious figures, but that's not how I see them at all.  I know that sometimes I stop believing in them and that's when I truly feel all alone.  I started to tell them more and more that I had no idea what I needed, but I needed help.  I could not articulate it.

Difficult to know what I needed...

I could not articulate what I needed.  I didn't know.  I didn't have the slightest clue.  That was my starting point.  I was at rock bottom.  I had no way to go but forward.  The only way I could have went further down would have been if I would have been successful in ending my life.

I began to pose the question to myself, what do I need?  How do I get out of this?  What do I need to do?  It was the only thing I knew.  It was the only way out I could see.  Yet, I didn't believe it.  I didn't think there was hope.  The only thing I had was questions.

As I began to ask the questions repeatedly and hoping that an answer would show up, I soon started to find there were things I was attracted to in my day.  There were things that interested me.  They were not the things that I thought my life was about.  They were not in the form that I had been trying to push my life into.  They were different.

I would be letting myself down...

It scared me to think of this.  I kept wanting to prove to myself that I had to be in the role I was in.  I had a healing office and how could I think anything different.  I would be letting others down.  I would be letting myself down.  I despised every part of this life I had built, but it was what I knew.  It was what I thought I had to be in that moment.

So to keep the fears at bay, I hunkered down into the things that I enjoyed doing and that were bringing me some peace, joy, and contentment in my day.  It seemed strange and odd.  These were not normal things for me, but even being mundane, they kept me focused.  They helped energize me and propel me.

As I continued on, I knew that I had to make some tough decisions.  I knew I had to stop disconnecting from life and begin feeling my body and all the sensations in life that were there, even if they were horrible.  I had to allow myself the possibility of connecting with others, but also the possibility that I could get hurt again.  The pain was still very raw and is at the time of writing this, but I'm consciously making a choice to do more and go further than where I am currently.

I cannot see far ahead...

There are times that I sit here and struggle with how all of this is coming together.  I cannot see that far ahead.  I get glimpses of fragmented thoughts and feelings, but to say I can see the road ahead would be inaccurate.  I am just going where my heart feels joy and I enjoy doing the things in a day that I am.  If it doesn't feel good, I am learning to turn and see the thing that does.

The decisions kept showing up that I needed to make.  I struggled and fought with them.  I avoided them.  I knew they were there, but I didn't want anything to do with them.  It has been agony thinking about it and every time I thought I would get closer to a decision, doubts flooded my existence and my thoughts.

Finally I made the decision to close down the healing office.  I was not bringing in revenue and my savings was quickly disappearing.  At this point, I'm not sure what fully lies ahead.  It has been a tough week of saying goodbye to the office that I had hoped would be the next wave of life for me.

I'm saddened by all of this.  It is a deep sadness. I struggle with feeling like a failure, but am trying to see that it is not a failure.  Yet, it is hard to convince my mind of that.  I'm not sure where all of this is leading.  I still feel a strong connection to it, but right now I feel like I was trying to push myself into a role that I just did not see for myself at this moment.

I had to get my life back...

I had to get my life back.  I had to find myself.  I have to let myself go into these moments of uncertainty.  Creating in the unknown is where I find myself at this point.  In many ways, it is out with the old and in with the new.  The only thing is I don't know what the new is.  It is a mystery in some ways.  In other ways, I think I have a part of it figured out.

I'm scared of running out of money which is not far away.  I'm scared of how I will monetize the things that I love to do because I've struggled with this.  I try to have hope, but the doubts flood my mind like a tropical storm downpour.

For now, I keep my focus on what makes my heart happy and what I love to do.  I'm trying to stay focused on only that for the moment in hopes the rest will unfold in my mind.

I'm not sure how to reach out to those that have probably been hurt by my withdraw in life, but that's for another day and moment.  I can only bring my life back online so quickly.  I know I went to a very horrible place in life these past few months, but in many ways, I think I had to.  I think I had to travel here to find my way back.

Maybe instead of torment, maybe it is just out with the old as the new waits to arrive.

This story will most likely continue.  This is just the point where I've gotten to and why it ends at this point.  I had to write and get this out.  I'm writing it more for myself than I am for anyone reading it.  

Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly
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