Friday, August 17, 2012

I Am No Longer Alone

Lately I’ve been in a very dark and depressed place.  I have been struggling with life, knowing that financially I’m pulling us down and the rope is running out.  It isn’t a pretty reality and so the stress had taken me to a new low of almost giving up.  Lately I’ve been struggling to just get out of bed and barely had the energy or desire to do that.  I’ve pushed away just about everyone that cares about me and I was pushing, my partner away.  He couldn’t even touch me.

The other day I finally opened up to him and shared with him just how bad I was feeling and doing.  I just wanted to give up.  I was at a point where I didn’t really want anyone to help me and I didn’t want to ask anyone for help.  I thought I could survive on my own somehow.  I thought it was weakness if I asked for help.  However, I finally got to a point where I knew I could not keep this up and thoughts in my mind seemed to be saying that if I don’t deal with this very soon, it was not going to be pretty.  I have no idea what that means, but I felt it.

It felt like an issue that I couldn’t call a person I normally would either because they were a male and partly because I was feeling so low and so much like a failure, I didn’t want them to see me that way.  While I knew that they would welcome me with open arms, I was feeling so low, alone and bad about myself, it was altering reality for me.  I wanted to hide this from everyone.  I finally kept telling my partner that I wished I could go see Kathi Angeli and after several days of that, it finally dawned on me that this is what I needed to do.  I had no idea how I would pay for it, but I knew I somehow needed to go. 

So we made a trip down there so I could see her.  I told her I was so tired of what was going on that I just couldn’t take any more of it.  We talked a little on the phone before I went down there, which really helped.  That night I had some interesting dreams and thoughts as I went to bed.  In the session though, we came upon issues that I wasn’t expecting to show up, but they brought me into forgiveness of people from my past.  These are the painful areas that I deal with, and through them, I was feeling all alone and like no one wanted me.  Of course that started from the time I was a very little child.  It was that feeling of being alone that was driving all of this inside of me.

When we got done with the session, I felt like I had found myself again.  I felt like I was connecting with my heart in a way I have never felt it before.  I could feel the energy and the sense of why I’m here on earth, more than ever.  When my partner saw me after the session he knew immediately that the walls I had put up, had come down.  We were able to connect again – I was able to let him touch me again.

It was one of those sessions that I ended up stopping Kathi a couple of times to go to the bathroom.  For days leading up to the session, urinating was hardly existent even though I was drinking a lot of fluid.    What happened in the session, shifted this physically in my body so I feel like now I’m back to normal.  I didn’t realize just how much fluid I was retaining either.  This is not the first time I have noticed this result, but it reminds me of just how much we hold in our body in a very unconscious way.

In the session, one of my angels showed up.  At first Kathi could not figure out who she was until she finally just told Kathi she was my angel.  It was a blond haired lady.  The angels wanted to remind me to ask for help and I don’t have to do this all on my own – I can ask for help.  My partner and I hit some thrift stores on the way home and one of the stores I walked into, I immediately saw this angel figurine that brought tears to my eyes.  I bought it and on the way out of the store, my partner said – it even has blond hair.  I had actually not even noticed that until he said that to me.

After the session, no matter where I went, I felt like people were connecting with me differently.  I had strangers just start up conversations with me that I don’t think has ever happened in my life.  I just had all kinds of interactions that are far different than before the session.  I even joked to my partner wondering if there was a sign on my shirt that said, come talk to me!  It was cute and curious to watch this unfold.  Like Kathi told me, if I hated myself – how could I expect to attract anything to me that would bring clients or people to me.  This all makes more sense now!

I’ve got a better understanding of where I’m heading.  Kathi and I worked on this a lot in the session.  Now, I’m not going to let anything stand in my way of taking this next step (or new beginning as she said).  The concept revolves around doing a workshop that I had already been thinking about.  The concept is stop, sense and feel.  I really feel like this is where I’m at and I want to help people just begin to learn how to stop, sense and feel.  From this point, everything else will grow and evolve, but it is my starting point and one that I feel like fits with me.  Of course, I’ll be incorporating all the concepts of the nervous system/trauma/fear/survival, etc into it but I so badly want to help as many people as I can just start to do something as basic as sensing and feeling.  There’s more to it than this, but I’m just giving broad strokes here on the concept.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve found hope once again, instead of hopelessness.  Instead of fear and despair, I’ve found purpose.  Plenty of details that will have to come together, but I’m confident that they will in one way or another.

Oh, by the way, when I got done with the session, I happened to log into a sales account for a product I have promoted.  For some time I had not seen any commissions come through, and even as early as the morning of the session, there was nothing in the account.  After the session, there was a commission that paid for me to go see Kathi.  It was meant to be and it worked out.  I’m not sure I always have that much faith for this, but maybe now, I’ll trust a little more.  If you want to read more about this, check out my blog post on “What Would Unlimited Abundance Take?

I am in a much different place than where I was just before the session.  Yes, the fears and anxiety are still present along with the doubts and the critic within me.  I’m determined though to stay with this connection that opened up in my life and I don’t plan on giving up too easily.  I’m sure there will be challenges, but I know I have guidance and support from not only my angels, but also my friends.  I realize in this moment, that I’m no longer alone.

Blog Post And Images (c) 8/2/12 by Don Shetterly

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