Are You Fake?

These days I'm beginning to wonder more and more about people online.  I'm sorry, but it is true.  Too many who are fake, but throw up the positive thoughts as if they are the sole answer to the universe.

If you post anything real, you get responses of fake positivity that really does little but leaves the recipient feeling empty and hoodwinked.  You might think your words are somehow magical, but if they are not authentic, then they have become the noisy cymbal in the band.

For some reason, people think they have to respond with some wisdom when maybe the person just needs to be heard.  Unfortunately these days, we don't know how to listen.  We only know how to force our views and opinions on others.

You can see this in all walks of life and different places but in reality, the fake part of who we are as humans begin within us.  We're the ones that perpetuate what we so often scream and rant about in life.

Being authentic and honest is what makes a difference.  Listening without judgment and I mean truly listening without judgment is so rare these days.  I see very few people that do this, and I can count them on one hand.

Are you fake?  I'm sure you would quickly answer with NO!  However, I'm guessing without knowing you that this may not be the whole story.

It is something to ponder and consider because I believe each one of us shows a fake side every day and if we don't think we do, then we are fooling ourselves.  In my view, the trick is to recognize it and see how authentic we can be.

Authenticity and vulnerability are the essences of human interaction.

My Issues And Your Issues

Written By Don Shetterly

As I get older, I am beginning to see things differently in life.  I guess that's part of the maturing process because what once seemed to be important has shifted.  I see things differently.  I understand things differently than I once did.


Through these changes, I'm seeing that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, good and bad.  We've got moments where we triumph in our life, and we shine with all our strengths, abilities and talents.  However, we've got the other side.

There are the issues we struggle with and the weaknesses we harbor within ourselves.  Sometimes these flaws and shortcomings are on display for the whole world to see.  At other times, we hide them from anyone outside of where they exist.

I've learned that I can be vulnerable with people close to me and it is okay.  Being vulnerable is not easy for me, and I really thank Brene Brown for what she has taught on this subject.  Sometimes I just don't want anyone to think I'm what I think I am inside, even though my view may be distorted.

In many ways, I think we are all like that to some degree with some more so than other people.  There are some that completely distort how the world and those close them see their lives.

I was good at hiding things...

In fact, at one time before I went through paralysis and Conversion Disorder, everyone around me thought I had the world together and I was happy all the time.  I was good at hiding things back then.

I remember my mom going to work and she could be as sick as one could be, but no one would see it.  I learned so much from her how to hide my true self from the world.  Yet, at the same time, it meant I kept myself from interacting with the world and possibility and joy.

One thing I have noticed is that we tend to see ourselves in a more perfect light when we try to impress everyone around us.  We don't want everyone to see our flaws.  We hide it and distort it and paint the picture of what we want them to see.  Sometimes there are moments where this may be needed.

Yet, deep inside we sometimes feel fragile and damaged and not having much skill, talent, or good to our lives.  Even when others see how much we offer, we sometimes cannot see this in ourselves, and so we hold the "frail" image of ourselves as the measurement of all that exists in life.

We insulate ourselves...

If we go too far with hiding ourselves from the world and not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we tend to go around lashing out at others.  We join the bandwagon with the rest of the folks tearing others down, hurling hateful insults against one another and highlighting their issues.  It is the way we hide from ourselves because if we put the spotlight on others, we insulate our true self.

Social media gives us a high speed interstate to point out the issues of others and focus on the distorted view we see within ourselves.  It is one of the negatives of social media that sometimes really frustrates me.  Of course, it is our choice how we interact with it personally, but I hope that we can move in the direction where we use it for positive change, not hate and insults and unconsciousness.

All of us have our issues.  We were born with them, and we picked some of them up along the way through our families, schools, communities, and circle of people we know.  It is okay to have issues, but hopefully, we learn from them while recognizing that instead of pointing out the issues of everyone else, we can do much more by working on our own.

I keep challenging myself to be more and learn more about my life.  I don't want those days pre-Conversion Disorder when I showed that everything was fine to the world and I was in a hundred kinds of pain.

Being real and authentic and working to improve our lives each day - that's the ticket to becoming more and learning from our issues.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Writing From My Experience

I try.  Some days I think I make it more than others.  I try to write from my experience and from what I've learned.  I try to not share things that I have not been able to prove in my own life.

In what I write, I try to share the struggles I face and pull out the vulnerability stops so you get to see my struggle exposed.  My goal is to share where I've come from but also focus on how I healed or how I found ways to take the steps forward.

My experience is all I can prove.  I can't tell you with 100% certainty that x, y and z are absolute facts.  Yes, we have learned that they are the last three letters of the alphabet, but I have very little to scientifically prove that they are.  I can use examples of the alphabet charts and probably look at history, but again, I know what I've been taught.

One of the things I see the world do and it makes me shudder, is we rely to much on what we've been taught without questioning it.  We fail to realize that our experience is a much better teacher.

When we are vulnerable...

For it is when we are vulnerable that we become more connected to others.  It is at that moment that others can connect to us through our own vulnerability.

The connected part is the support we crave from one another.  It is where we feel that humanness between us and others.  It is the point where we open up and through sharing our path of healing from our own pain, that we find others see their pain in a different way.

They become truth...

I've seen things happen on a treatment table not only in myself, but in others.  Some of them have been things that blew my mind because I did not think that was possible.  In those moments, they become truth in myself because I am able to see them repeated over and over.  For if they only happen once, we have to be leery of what caused them, but if we see them happen again, then we know we are on to something.

I've learned too that just because I have found truth in my own healing, others may not see it that way.  They have not had the same healing experiences I have had.  I try to be patient and understanding.  I try to hold judgment at the door.  For each one of us has our own path we must travel and we're not all at the same point at the same time.

Writing from my experience allows me to be at one with myself and look at things in ways that I may never have seen.  It allows me the option of going deeper and further into it so I can look at all sides, not just the ones I want to allow myself to see.

Writing from my experience is what helps give me hope and sustenance.  Knowing that I am not only finding a way through my own trauma and healing, but that I'm being there for others.  Through my own pain, I'm allowing myself to be there hoping that my flashlight burns bright enough on the path behind me so someone finds their own footing.

#Sharing

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Men And Vulnerability - Good At Pretending

An excellent part from Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly.  This shared passage is on how men experience shame, which is much different from women.  While this is a very small part of the overall section on men and shame, it is a good one.  If this rings a bell for you, I would urge you to get her book and read it.  

Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it.

And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up.

“Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.”   Daring Greatly by Brene Brown (Pg 95 - 96)

Vulnerability At The Dentist Office

Last week, I had a big dose of vulnerability that wasn't easy to handle.  Whenever events like this happen, I'm always reminded of Brene Brown's talks on vulnerability.  It never seems like it is easy to be in this place and the emotions run high from moments like this.

In one of the last episodes of the Glee Project, their subject was vulnerability.  You could see some of the pain in each person as they experienced moments of vulnerability.  It wasn't easy for them and I'm sure took a lot out of them emotionally.

My latest experience was at the dentist office.  If you have read my blog post for some time you will see that I've endured some pretty rough moments at the dentist office and to read past blog posts on the dentist, click here.  Last week I had to go into the dentist because my denture that I wear, broke in two pieces.  It was not an option as the only way I could wear it, was to get it fixed and without it, everyone would be able to notice it was missing.

It is always a challenge to make an appointment and walk in the door.  The past trauma I have been through that is connected to this denture is almost unbearable.  The emotions of shame and sadness come to the forefront and are stronger than a bulldozer pushing a mountain.  On top of this, financial constraints made this a nightmare because I knew just how expensive of a situation I was facing.

Having The Courage To Be Vulnerable

All my life, I have been afraid to let people see who I truly was.  Growing up in the house that I did, you had to guard yourself from what others saw in you.  For these people I in the house I grew up in, would use these things to their advantage and to my disadvantage.

You see, one of the most horrifying experiences in my life other than being raped when I was only five years old and then molested on a daily basis was trying to hide myself from the monsters in my family.  They would constantly watch me and if I showed any signs of connection to them, they would go in for the kill.  They knew they had me and it was like my power was inactivated in that moment.

As I grew older and went through puberty, the monsters in my family watched my body with the precision of a microscope.  If there was a the slightest sexual stimulation in my jeans, they would not miss it.  It was like that gave them permission to play out scenarios that had become constant daily routines.  Any young boy going through puberty gets stimulated sexually at the smallest of events.  These monsters used that against me to the point where I was afraid to be seen.  I tried hard not to let them see me, but it seemed to be inevitable.  The last time the scenario played out was right before my older brother got married.