Can I Make It?

A week ago, I was wondering in life if I would ever come to a point in my healing where things really changed in a way that was something I could go "that's it - I've got it!" I was beginning to get frustrated and tired of this process after several years of working intensely on things. The entire ordeal of the rash that started a few months back was almost the last straw that I could take.

Life was not easy for me and these recent developments have pushed my limits to the max and made me question everything that I know as well as all that I have learned. I am a person with great courage and determination to go through all that life has given me, but even some of these recent events challenged me to the point of almost exhaustion. There is a part of me that understands the higher purpose for this but when your body becomes weary and bruised to the bone, the capacity to go on is diminished.

So many people in my situation or other situations often give up or turn to alcohol, drugs, work, or other things to numb themselves from these things. I had my own ways that I numbed myself out. It may appear that it is far easier to just numb one's self than to find the strength and courage to face these things head on. However, if we continue to run from the fear and numb our pain, than we are only inviting a life full of heartache, despair and one that just seems to be too much to deal with.

Trauma changes our biology and it alters who we truly are as a person. Child abuse and trauma take the power away from the victim rendering them as participants in their body but not in control of who they are. No matter what that individual desires, without going into the process of fully discovering, acknowledging and releasing all that has gone on, these things will continue to hold power over the individual. It is like a short circuit in the brain. The effects of trauma are biological, physical and mental.

But just as I was coming to the end of my rope, the question of blog entry, (Are You Ready To Let Go?) came front and center with me. A war was waging that day within me to let go of something that I could not put into words. However, I knew it was there. At the same time, it was difficult to even begin thinking about letting go of it. After all, it was something I had known for many years and it was something that was such a part of me. So as the session continued, I found myself being very sensitive to all that was going on but still feeling like I was coming up against the short circuited part of my brain. The part that said, you'll never get through this - you can't do this - you're not worthy - you just won't make it - you're not good enough! As badly as I wanted to let go of that part of me, I realized just how difficult it was because it had grown so interconnected within me that to pluck it out meant I had to give up something that was so attached. As the session went, Dr. Canali did acupuncture on me and my body was so afraid of it, that it was hunched over trying to protect itself. Literally, my body was shielding itself from the acupuncture.

When I left the office that day, I felt discouraged because I didn't really think we had made any progress. By the time I got home from the 5 hour drive that night, my neck, shoulders, arm and back were in pain. They were stiff, sore and I began to blame it on sitting in the car for that long. Of course by the next morning, the anger was coming through in full force. I felt like I was pissed off the moment I woke up and really didn't understand why. My body ached and I felt horrible. Of course, Dr. Canali reminded me that this was all part of the process and to not go into the fear of it. He encouraged me to work on myself on the table which I did and that helped a lot. But just as he said, by the next day, I would feel much better and I did.

I woke up that next day feeling much lighter, freer and completely different than the day before. In the past, I've had moments where I felt better and more free and more relaxed but somehow, I knew this was different. It was a feeling of being connected to my heart and just not overwhelmed like I normally am. I noticed the anger was not anywhere near the level I normally have to deal with. It was a strange feeling and unusual because I don't think I have ever experienced it before.

Several days later and through a very stressful week, I'm still feeling very light, connected and centered. It is hard to explain but it is a wonderful feeling. This is a week later and it is still with me. I'm noticing that I'm able to talk to people and not feel so shy or nervous or sense the complete terror in my stomach. I'm noticing that I'm seeing people in a different light than I ever have and that feeling is coming from compassion instead of judgment and fear. Anger has been replaced by a willingness to be in the moment, not be bashed around by the moment. The source of anger seems to be dwindling and decreasing unlike any other moment in my life. I've had experiences in the past few days where I've had some deep connections with people I hardly know and felt confident enough to share things that I do understand. I'm experiencing a confidence in myself unlike any I've ever witnessed before. The stress of the weak did not cripple me. In fact, the stress just seemed to flow through and out of me. Yes, I felt the emotions at times and the affects of it but it didn't stay. It didn't last. If I acknowledged it, I noticed that it just sort of went poof!

As I shared this with Dr. Canali today, he reminded me that what I'm expeirencing is normal and it is the way life was intended to be. I'm thinking - wow - I like this! Bring this on some more! Give me more of it! Once again, to bring this point home in a crystal clear way - - this is not something that I get my mind to focus on or wish for or do whatever else that many do. It is something that has come from the inside out at the core level of my being. It is not something I'm doing or creating - it is just happening and it is just coming from the true part of who I am. It's almost boggling to my mind to think about, let alone experience.

I'm sure there will be some more bumps along the way and I may stub my toe on the rocks in the path but for now, this is one heck of an experience. To think a week ago, I was at the end of my rope and to see where I am now is making me want to jump up and down for joy! Sometimes we truly need to get to the end of our rope in order to find out there's a ledge to stand on below us. That takes a lot of courage and faith to let go of the rope but if we don't we'd just tire our self out all the while missing the ledge to stand on below.

And the best part about this, is all of this is real! It isn't someone's idea of what it should be or some result of some method that gives you warm fuzzies. It is a part of the core of my being. It is now a part that shows the real person I am. It comes from deep within and now it is part of me. I am reclaiming my life and for the first time, I'm truly getting a glimpse of what that life is about. It's beautiful and its a joy filled moment that is deeply rooted within me. That's the part that makes it so special because when our experiences and our healing are deeply rooted within the body, they are as real as you can get!

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

David And Goliath Meet Fear

For most of my life, fear has been one of my driving forces in all that I do, the decisions that I make and the things that I choose. Fear is prevalent. It is everywhere and in everything and is often a part of us. However, the thing I'm learning in life is just that I can stand up and face the fear head on, and then let it go.

In my early days of therapy, I would remember my therapist asking me to "name" the fear that was coming up and then we would talk through what is the worst thing that could happen. Once we did that, we would talk about what I could do if that happened. By doing this, I soon found out that most of my fears were just not as big and powerful as I thought they were. Yet, when you are looking at them face to face, they are often gigantic monsters.

Do you remember the bible story of David and Goliath? Where David took his little slingshot and a pebble and brought down the giant? Just think of fears in that way. They seem like they are bigger and more empowering than us but all we need to do is use our little pebble of courage and determination to take them on. Once we decide to do this and let go of the fear that holds us, the giant falls to the ground.

Fear though can show up in so many ways and often we do not recognize it. From the speeches of politicians, to the talking loud mouths of pundits on TV and the media doing their daily news reports, it is all filled with fear. Even the weather forecasts these days are fear based. Take a moment and think about this. When you turn on the TV or whatever it is that you're listening to, you hear them talking about some issue, some concern or topic. And if you take a moment to look at that and see the "fear" behind what is being discussed, how does that impact you? For example, let's say we turn on the TV and they are talking about some terrorist plot that is being cooked up but they do not have concrete details, just that it might involve a football stadium or some other public place. What's your reaction? Do you get a twinge of unease within your body that maybe the football game you are going to could be the possible target of the terrorists? Most likely you do at some level. Well, guess what - the media has been successful in instilling fear within you that you didn't have before you watched or listened to the program. I'm not saying you need to hide your head in the sand and be oblivious to what is happening in our world, but I am urging you to realize that most of the stuff is fear based. And if you don't believe me, put on your objective glasses and pay attention to what it is that you take in to your eyes and ears from the media and talking pundits in a day. Evaluate it and look at it. Don't just accept it.

Another source of fear is in the medical world of health or what we perceive health is. All of us have been through a moment where either our self or our loved ones run up against a physical condition. What do we do first? Please be honest here. Let me repeat this. What do we do first? We usually try to find something we can take to alleviate the pain, the condition or situation. If we have nothing that works, than we head to the doctor. We may demand tests or medications or procedures to "cure" us of this condition. But if you take a moment and look within all that's going on, fear is alive and well. Fear feeds upon us and we feed upon fear. It fuels all kinds of biological conditions and most of us are oblivious that this is going on. Yes, sometimes a doctor is needed to treat things. That's not the point I am trying to make here. The point is, when we come up against a biological condition in our bodies, let us first look within ourselves as to the cause instead of going into the fear that will only make things worse. If you do this, everything will be more different than you can imagine.

Fear can also show up as anger where someone is so angry and they try to bite everyone's head off at every chance. They rule with control and they belittle anyone that tries to alter what is going on. They can be loud and boisterous making sure that everyone hears them or they can talk a mile a minute dominating every conversation. In the end though, it boils down to the fear these people face and by using these different behaviors, it adds a layer of protection between them and the outside world. After all, if the fears of a person are great, it can be to much to connect with anyone around them in a meaningful and deep way.

Fear often has a way of keeping us from truly walking the path that we so deserve and healing from those moments in life that were very difficult. It is much easier to paste a fake smile on our face and try to convince the world around us that we have 'moved on' from all that we may have experienced. I know this is true because I've spent a lifetime doing it. All of these things get locked up in the body. They are somatically a part of us just as is any body part is a part of us. While we try to separate the two, fear and somatic memory components are as much us as we are them. And while you're trying to convince the world around you that you have moved on, deep down within yourself (if you let yourself go there), you know that this isn't true. I completely understand just how difficult it is to stand up and grasp fear in your hands. It seems to be much easier to run away from it as fast and hard as you can but in the end, fear will find you out.

There are so many ways fear shows up and if we begin to keep an eye out for it, we'll start to see it. Fear is an energy drain and it robs us of so much in life. When fear builds up to a high level in our lives, we become overwhelmed and we either deal with it or it deals with us. Yes, sometimes we can go for a long time and it seems like everything is fine but deep down, our body is hurting and getting ready to explode like a volcano. We'll see this through aches and pains, weight issues, medical conditions, depression, anxiety and so on and so forth. These conditions are a result of something in our body that needs to be healed and something that we are hanging on to. It is the direct result of fear showing up and controlling our lives.

Waving a magic wand to get rid of it would be nice but there is no such thing. I get messages all the time about "products" or "healing methods" that allow you to bypass the fear. I have heard this so many times that I cannot even keep track of it. Yet, each person, healing method or product is convinced that something they offer is the key to your well being. Unfortunately, there is no way around fear. The only way to do it is to go head first into it and take back the power it has robbed from your body. You can create the illusion for yourself that method or product x works but if you're really and truly honest with yourself, you'll see the fear hiding deep in the shadows.

Again, I know it isn't easy to do this but once you take that pebble and put it in your slingshot, you too can drop the giant, Goliath, to the ground. It may not be easy nor as instant as we are accustomed to, but it will be life changing and long lasting. That which you can feel in your body and connect with is where healing comes from. It does not come from methods, procedures and products. The methods and procedures that have you totally connected with your mind and body that allow you to go into the fear - now that's the way to heal!

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Are You Ready To Let Go?

The other day, I went in a for a session with Dr. Canali and I proudly displayed what was left of the rash I've been dealing with. (See blog post about the rash from Jan 5, 2010 - Body Memories, Abuse Memories and Trauma Recovery ) He looked at me and said, "Are you ready to let go of that today?" At first, the question struck me as odd and my immediate response was of course "yes, I am!"

However, as I sat there and thought about this like I do with everything, I wondered in my mind - was I really ready to let go of it. It was hard being honest with myself because deep down, I wasn't sure if I was. Here I had responded to Dr. Canali that I was ready to let go but part of me said - you really don't believe that do you?

Once I got on the table, I looked at Dr. Canali and stated that you know I thought I was ready to let go of it but to be completely honest, I'm not sure if I am. As I explained, this rash seems like a part of me just as any other body part. To let go or get rid of the rash means I'm giving up something about myself and if I do that, I'm not sure what will replace it.

You see the fear of what is beneath it (even if it has the potential of being something good) is unknown. It isn't a hopeful oh my gawd there's possiblity there. It is more of losing a major part of yourself that you've known all your life. It is like losing your identity that you come to know all your life even if the identity is twisted and not completely accurate.

See how difficult that could be to give this up? We all have these parts of ourselves. Even if they are parts we don't like about ourselves, they might have been there to help us survive situations or get us through life. Without them, we may fear that we cannot survive or continue in life even though that may not be the case. Survival in our early years has a tremendous impact on how we view our lives from that point forward.

This is part of the ego. It is a part of the ego that desires control and feeds off our own energy. To allow this part of the ego to continue its neurotic feeding frenzy on us, aids in the denial of our true self. I'm not going to write that it is easy to let go because I know from first hand experience just how difficult this is, how much control the ego and these things have over us and just how it can affect us physically.

As I went into the session, I came up against this part of me that did not want to let go. Was I successful that day in letting go? I'm not sure. I don't feel like I was or I completely was at this point. In fact, it felt like a war was waging within me that day from where Dr. Canali and his assistant, Quayny, were trying to assist me in moving forward from the part that wasn't about to let go. In fact, he did some acupuncture on me that day and the needle he had in my heart center (think that was what he called it) had to stay in for some time. He told me that my body was holding on to it for dear life.

The next day, I felt terrible in my body and I felt the anger full force. Fortunately I was able to work on myself on the table and release some of this through my body. I feel much better now than I did the next day after the session. A lot has moved through and out of me which is good.

You know, I so badly want to flee from the effects of all that I've been through and I wish I could wave a magic wand to do it. I know there is no such thing that exists because the way through this is for me to go within myself, into and through the fear and allow things to be let go. That's a process and one that isn't necessarily easy. I'm just glad I could be honest that day with Dr. Canali about really being afraid to let go of these things because I learned so much about myself that day.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog