Today, I Know

(Written by Marie Davino)

I have been in some kind of therapy or other since I was 18, due to a difficult and dysfunctional family life as a child. In addition, I was bullied at school and had an eating disorder that became a lifelong struggle.

It has, at times, been a rough and very rocky road to say the least.  I knew that I had experienced some kind of abuse, but the memories of it were incomplete or vague. That made it difficult  for me to know for sure if I actually was molested… and to let it go.

The questions were always, “what if”, “what really happened”, or “who was this person?”  These questions haunted me, and were always in the back of my mind. I tried to recover the memory in different ways with different therapies over the years to no avail. I finally decided I would have to be ok with not ever knowing…until recently.

I worked with my last therapist for ten years, and he was wonderful. I will always be grateful for the work we did together and for the time and effort he gave to help me heal my past wounds. I reached a point where I was very happy, had left it all behind me, and felt my life was quite fulfilling for many years…and then, the bottom dropped out. I felt myself spiraling into a depression that  I could not express or understand. I tried my best to manage it with all of the tools I had learned over the years. Nothing was working.

That was when I found Jim Fazio and Unified Therapy. I began to work with him, and reached a level of trust so quickly that I was able to explore the reasons for the depression I was experiencing in great depth.  It is difficult to describe how the sessions go, but I can say there is very little talking, no advice or judgment, and all mind-body work in a safe, relaxing environment.

The sessions were intense and powerful... after each session was over, when I allowed myself to let go, I felt an overwhelming peace and joy that I had not experienced for a very long time. It was progressing so quickly that after a few months the memory became clearer… until one session when the answer came… I knew it was real, where the existing memory was leading, and that it happened.

The next morning, this poem was written in my mind in a matter of minutes, and I had to write it down.

Today, I Know

(c) 2017 By Marie Davino

Today I see the world through different eyes
Yesterday it was maybe, probably.
Maybe.
Today I know
Yesterday it was how could someone do that to a child
Today it is how could someone do that to my child
Yesterday I wondered why? (I suffocate!)
Why? (I can't breathe!) why? (I can't speak!)
Why? (Did I make this up?)
Today I know
The Angels gentle message
Floating on an ocean full of tears
drowning out my screams
Buried in sand up to my nose, hide my face from horror.
Can't move, can't breathe, why? (No one hears me.)
Today I know.
Paul sings it was far away… but it was here all along
He sings it will stay forever, but now I know
I will fight till I can let it go
These words of a million wounded souls, spoken a million times
Nothing new here...I am just one more broken heart to heal.
Freezing cold. Burning up.
No more shadows. No more darkness. No more silence. Today I weep.
Today I bathe in the soft lightness of mourning
In the gentle hands that hold me
Because now, I know.
Tomorrow I will see the world through different eyes.

I am sharing my experience on Mind Body Thoughts because through my work with Jim Fazio I found Don, and we have become good friends. What he writes on his blog is courageous, open, and honest, and helps me find the courage I need to continue to heal through some very difficult times. Many thanks to Don, for sharing so much of his life with us so we can see there is always hope…and to Jim, for holding on tight and going through the darkness with me.

- Marie

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Jim Fazio, LMT, CSI, UTP

Website:   Integrative Bodywork, Inc.

Activating the Brain-Body Connection for Healing.

Promote Health and Wellness, not disease and illness

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Marie

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Wish I Could Forget Like Child Abusers Do

One of the strange and horrible things about the remnants of child abuse is something that I think affects everyone who has been molested, raped, or tortured while growing up.  It often comes to my mind that I wish I could forget like those who hurt me seemed to have already done.

It is like the molesters and abusers seem to forget that they even did anything.  It is like they put on the cloak of being a victim.  "Woe is me," they say.  "Poor me," they say.  "Look at how miserable they are making my life," the abusers say.

Yeah, like I really feel sorry for those who "F'd" up my life and cause me to struggle through many days of it.  I really feel sorry for those who forced me into a life where I had to deal with all of this and fight my way back.  I'm being sarcastic of course when I say, "I really feel sorry for them".

For them to somehow forget the nightmare blows my mind.  I mean wasn't it enough that this happened from the time I was a very small child and went until I escaped for college.  Yes, let us not forget there was that additional time the night before one of them got married. I assume that is the role of a best man for a wedding?

For them to somehow forget that nightmare not only blows my mind but is so hard for me to comprehend.  There is not a day that goes by where it has not affected me.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't remember.  As Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk said in his book, The Body Keeps The Score about those who survive trauma, you often remember too much and too little at the same time.

Often abuse survivors want to tell someone about how they were molested, raped, or tortured.  Unfortunately they are often so afraid that people wouldn't believe them or that others would think something was wrong with them.  The ones that did the stuff to me already told the world we lived in that I had been brainwashed.

I just wish I could forget like the child abusers who raped me, molested me and tortured me almost every day of my life seem to have done.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 12/29/15 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Haunted By Ghosts Of The Past

It was just a search that turned up a You Tube video.  How on earth could that be that difficult to view?  Of course, I didn't even think about that when I came across it.  I didn't even think about clicking on it.  It all happened and began playing before my mind realized that my fingers had clicked the play button.

Haunted by ghosts of the past, will they forever wrap me in chains?  I could reference the video here, but I just don't want to give it any credibility.  It would be my luck that it would go viral and everyone would see it as normal.  Actually, to most people, it may look rather normal and I may be the one that looks like the fool.  Yet, if you knew the whys and wherefores and particulars behind it, there would be nothing wholesome about what I saw in this video.


Haunted by ghosts of the past, will my mind ever forget?  I've come a long ways in healing, but when you've seen what my eyes have seen, the body and mind never forget.  If they do, I've not experienced that level of healing yet in my life.  You see, the video depicts something religious that to many may look like the person in it is truly humble and changed.  Yet, I've seen this scenario play out more than once by too many.  You do the dastardly deed, molest the child, abuse the wife and then you repent your sins to Jesus.  You get saved and rededicate your life to Christ and if it is bad enough, you even get "baptized" once again.  You claim you never really had Jesus in your heart.  Its a scenario that has played out over and over again in the life I have witnessed.  Wrap it up in a bow and put it under the tree for Christmas!

Dream Of Standing Up To My Family

From my dream journal 11/27/10:
Imagine a high rise building that stretched for many hundreds of floors into the sky, taller than you could ever think a building could go. That was where my dream started out.

It seemed that I was in the building to do some work like I was doing something with computers or a computer install. Yet, the funny thing is, I don't recall seeing any computers, just cubicles with desks that had very little on them. There were no people visible at the desks except for the people running around delivering stuff or doing tasks like I was doing. Yet, it felt like a lot of information was housed here and being exchanged almost like it was a customer call center with a vast array of powerful computers.

I got on the elevator and was met by someone that knew which floor I was to go on as they pushed the correct button. I do not know the number of the floor they pushed but I could see that only some numbers were available but not all numbers for all floors. It was not sequential like one would normally see in an elevator. I just knew that this building stretched up into the sky for many floors and it was hard to understand how tall this building was. I was somewhat frightened and scared but not overwhelmed by the fear.

When the doors opened of the elevator, I got out and immediately stepped on to the steps of a bus. Stepping from the elevator to the bus, I noticed the sky was very blue and bright, yet it seemed like the building continued for many more floors above. It felt like I was on a sky deck or terrace of the building. The bus seemed to have others on it but I really could not see them. However, I sensed or knew they were there. In a quick fashion, the bus sped away to some place that looked like a combination of places I had lived like a house but it was not any one house that I had ever lived in. The house seemed very small in the place I was in but I could tell it stretched for a long ways in all directions. There were many windows in it facing towards beautiful pastures, mountains and open lands.

When I arrived at this house, my mom was the first one that came into view. She admitted to me that she knew Dad had molested us. My dad was sitting there in another room looking dejected, full of shame and almost barely able to hold his head up to look at me.

There were other friends there that I knew and they all seemed to know the secret of me being abused was known to them. It was like they had always known it had taken place but had never said anything or did anything.

Ceaser Milan was there in one of the bedrooms. I can remember a bed being in a corner of the room with a deep blue bedspread. He was explaining how to make healing smoothies with three ingredients of which I cannot remember what all they were. There was something in this to do with ice cream. The most important part though that I remembered was that he told me you had to put dog poop in them because it was very healthy. He was very adamant about this ingredient and stated it just as I wrote here. When I balked at this, he urged me to try the smoothie and I was shocked that it tasted good.

I went back out to talk with my parents and everyone that I knew who was there. I cried a lot about the events that I had gone through being sexually abused and was very angry but not violent. I stood up for myself and told everyone that I knew including my dad, how could you? I asked my mom why she didn't leave dad but there were no answers. They all just stared at me as if they had no answers.

I told my dad that he was leaving this house and I never wanted to see him again for he was dead to me.

After that, the dream ended. I really don't remember physically leaving the place or these people leaving but it was like everything was finished and now life went on. I remember waking up this morning feeling very rested and like I had slept deeper than I had ever slept before in my life. It was an extremely deep, restful and rejuvenating night of sleep. I felt empowered, strong and full of hope when I woke up this morning.

Surprisingly enough, I was able to remember and record many of the details from this dream.

(c) by Don Shetterly 11/28/10 - use by permission only