If you saw me today and didn't know my history, you would never know that I went through anything. Most people are shocked when they find out my story.
The one thing though I struggle with from Conversion Disorder is my memory. Yes, I know plenty of people struggle with memory issues, but this is a little different.
When I went through Conversion Disorder, I basically lost my memory. I had to bring all of that back and remember and recall all kinds of things that most people just take for granted. In addition to that, I could not remember the slightest and smallest thing from one moment to the next. Even in the worst moments of Conversion Disorder, it was difficult to remember my own name.
For example, if you would have told me that you were going to the store, not even one second later, I would not even remember that you told me that. Anything you told me, may or may not have stayed in my memory long enough to register. Even if I could remember for a second or a minute, there was no guarantee I would remember it the next minute or the next day.
It has been a struggle and I've had plenty of people look down their noses at me for not being able to remember the basics. Yes, I try to keep notes and keep myself organized, but honestly - I sometimes forget there is a note. You can only have so many notes stuck to your face and computer.
Especially working in the I.T. field with computers, you're almost expected to remember what happen on Joe's computer 10 weeks ago, what the fix was for the last 1000 issues and keep track of everything else that needs to be done and scheduled. All of this is expected to be recalled at a moments notice. It is one of the bad sides of working in I.T. especially with a memory that doesn't work well.
Sometimes I easily forget the street names around where I live or even the names of people I know well. No, I don't think it is a serious condition that needs medical attention because I've struggled with this for years. It really started when the Conversion Disorder happened. In many ways, it has improved, but it still is an issue.
I've had people tell me that as I resolve the trauma, it will improve. Unfortunately, the improvement has not been enough in my view and I easily get discouraged with it. I've had people ask me if I could just accept it and while I want to, I know that this is very difficult to do in practice.
I wish I knew the way through this because I've tried many things and nothing seems to alleviate the situation all together. I do get fearful of what will happen as I get older and the normal memory loss comes on. Will I remember anything or anyone? That is my fear. No one seems to have any answers on it and again, I feel like I'm on a journey all by myself.
Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly
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