Mind - Body Thoughts: Jody

Showing posts with label Jody. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

I Thought I Was Adopted

Written by Don Shetterly

After reading Jody's last column, it got me thinking. In the column, she wrote about "how it feels to be adopted." I love how she shares some of the most personal parts of her life to help others find healing in their own lives.

For a long time, I thought I was adopted. I truly did. I had nothing to back it up with, and while every account made it sound like my parents were really my parents, it was hard to believe. I went through life thinking that I had to be switched at birth or adopted or something.

How else could you explain the horror and torture, trauma and abuse that I went through? I didn't think there was anyway a normal family would do this to their kid. I figured I had to have ended up in the wrong family. Surely then, I was adopted.

Finally in my adult years...

It probably wasn't until well into my adult years that I got to meet some of my cousins. The physical characteristics were similar in many ways. Even though I didn't want to accept that this was my family, I began to see that I was NOT adopted.

I know there was a time early on in my life where my mom had to choose between me as an infant and my dad who had hepatitis. From what I was told, it was very contagious, and for some reason, she chose him over me. I don't know all the particulars or details and probably never will. However, I always felt that separation anxiety with my mom, and it never left even until the day she died.

There was another time I was told that when I was very young, something happened and I came to live with my cousins for a time. I don't remember it. I don't know the details, but once again I was separated from my mom.

I struggled to be away from my mom...

When I would go to church camp in the summer, I struggled to be away from my mom for a week. I was always worried that she would be there when it was over. When I would see her at the end of the week, I'd cry uncontrollably making my dad feel very uncomfortable.

It always felt like I had to be good enough to get chosen or loved by my mom. My dad was another story. I don't think he ever really wanted me that badly and my life made his life feel threatened.

Even until this day, I struggle with feeling that people who love me are going to leave me. They will want nothing to do with me. They will choose someone else. I struggled hard with that. I think this is the part that really resonated with Jody's column post.

https://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/2017/08/how-does-it-feel-to-be-adopted.html

I'm glad she wrote the post because it helped me to explore this further. In my relationships now, I struggle to think that anyone would love me enough to keep me. I feel like I will at any moment be cast off as not wanted or not needed. It affects my relationships because people do love me, but I'm so afraid of being abandoned that I hold others at a distance.

More and more I'm coming to terms with what that felt like to be passed over and not chosen. I know I was too young to put it into words, but it impacts me in a big way. I do try to keep telling myself that what I went through years ago, was what happened then. It is not what is going on now.

One day I hope I will understand this more, but without the details of what truly transpired, it is hard to put it into context. I was NOT adopted, but some days it felt that way, and at times, I wish I could have been born into another family.

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Monday, May 1, 2017

Depression And Medical Marijuana

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

Many people experience depression and often try to treat it with anti-depressants or other related medications. Some are weary of medications and stick strictly to therapy and yet others find the combination of the two the way to go.

Treatment is highly individualistic and often becomes a game of trial and error. There are people who also seek alternative medicine in the form of medical marijuana. It has been legal for a few years here in Canada to get a medical marijuana card and there are numerous physical conditions which may qualify you, however, with the legalization of marijuana upcoming in Canada in 2018, the debate over its use for mental health purposes rages on.

This deliberation has been ongoing for centuries, and it is reported that as early as 1621doctors in India were using cannabis in the treatment of depression, and in 1887 an American physician and professor celebrated the ability of cannabis to subdue restlessness and anxiety.

Marijuana first entered my life when I was about 12 years old, and my mother was going through chemotherapy from breast cancer. The side effects in the 1980’s were beyond description as compared to today and after each treatment came days of sickness and severe nausea. The medications prescribed to treat the side effects caused their own problems, often worse than the ones from the chemotherapy.

She had gotten a new, young oncologist who had suggested that marijuana had been known to help with nausea and if she was open to the idea, to give it a shot. So, I got some cannabis for my mom and we started at first by adding it to her protein shakes, then using it in baked goods and we noticed not only less nausea but an increase in appetite as well.

The doctor also noted that certain strains would help with the anxiety and depression that comes with being terminally ill, and so we played around until we found a combination that helped to ease some of those symptoms as well. That is just my story and I am not endorsing the use of cannabis nor am I speaking against it, I am just speaking from my experience.

There does not appear to be enough conclusive evidence of its efficacy or lack thereof, in the treatment of certain mental illnesses as of yet, and in most cases, it still does not have the backing of most physicians due to the controversy surrounding marijuana’s role in depression because of a seemingly consistent correlation between the two. Of the studies that have been done, many seem to reach the same conclusion; that it is unlikely that cannabis itself leads to depression, and more likely that those who suffer from depression and anxiety use marijuana to self-medicate.

In fact, some researchers have found that low doses of cannabis increased serotonin levels in the brain, which helps to improve mood, while higher doses of cannabis tended to increase symptoms of depression because the serotonin levels were depleted. There is also the theory that cannabis has been shown to improve depressive symptoms by stimulating the endocannabinoid system and its receptors which are located in the brain and are involved in a variety of physiological processes including appetite, pain-sensation, mood, and memory. Cannabis may also have less or milder side effects as compared to many of the anti-depressants prescribed.

Pro cannabis people say that as long as the strain is correct and the dosage is accurate, marijuana can be a very effective treatment for stress, depression and anxiety by allowing the person to either focus on the situation objectively or by offering peace of mind enough to forget it for a while. It can be used in a hurry by smoking or vaping or maintained with patches, capsules or edibles.

http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/search/label/MentalHealthMatters

Best of all, withdrawal symptoms are comparatively minor and it does not require a weaning off process as compared to most anti-depressants., however, as it stands, there simply isn't enough research to assert that cannabis definitively improves depression.

Depending on the strain and the dosage, the effects of cannabis on mental disease is largely variable, but that doesn't mean that marijuana shouldn't be used to treat depression and anxiety if the individual prefers it. In much the same way a person is encouraged to shop around for the ideal antidepressant, so, too, should they be allowed to choose cannabis.

Personally, I have dabbled with different cannabis strains for my depression as much as I have had to dabble with multiple depression medications before finding something that works. Treatment is completely individualistic and you should do whatever works for you and if cannabis is a part of that treatment plan then you should have the right to choose that option.

Jody (Jody's Blog)

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Monday, April 3, 2017

BPD Thoughts From The Borderline Community

A diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is misunderstood by most. Regardless of the number of times we try to explain it nothing seems to clarify it enough that we feel truly understood. Hell, most of the time we can’t understand ourselves so trying to explain it to the average person becomes a task of selecting the right words.

The only other people who could possibly comprehend the heightened emotional sensitivity and rapidity of the mood swings are those with a BPD diagnosis.

No matter where you get your information on BPD you will find in common nine defining criteria:

Frantic and desperate attempts to avoid any type of abandonment, imagined or real.
Distorted and unstable sense of self.
Unstable personal and business relationships.
Impulsive reckless behaviors that are self-damaging excessive spending, unsafe sex or substance abuse.
Suicidal and self-harming behavior.
Periods of intense depression, anxiety and irritability lasting from an hour or two, to a few days or weeks.
Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable emotions often followed by shame and guilt.
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
Dissociating or disconnection from your thoughts and sense of identity.

During your research you will also run into numerous articles and opinions labeling us to be manipulative and attention seeking or that we use our illness as an excuse for our uncontrollable emotional outbursts. So instead of getting into big long explanations about each one and how they affect my life, I decided to ask people in the BPD community what they feel is the most challenging part of their illness to deal with. Here are some of the comments I received.

“It’s the sudden drop in mood that is hardest for me. For example, after having a lovely lunch with a friend, I can be driving home and all of a sudden feel suicidal. My current coping strategy, is to text two trusted friends and tell them how I feel.”

“I find one of the hardest things is the name calling…dramatic, negative, attention seeking and other thoughtless words being thrown around by loved ones claiming to support me, and even after explaining BPD and them saying they understand, the name calling continues and causes more damage.”

“For me it is the lack of verbal impulse control and instant reactions. Words are out of my mouth before I even have a chance to process what I have said, and sadly cannot be taken back once spoken, along with the guilt of having unjustifiably saying terrible things.”

“My feelings are the worst because I can feel them all the time. I know it sounds weird but I feel them physically in my chest and not so much in my head. My thoughts annoy me but my feelings are worse. There’s an entire dialectic debate conflicting in my mind between the rational and what I feel is true and I end up hurting people and feeling worthless, often to the point of being suicidal.”

“I struggle a lot with being able to saying no and setting any healthy boundaries be it friends, family or co-workers and often have difficulty recognizing what is good for me and what is bad for me. I have an intense fear of standing up for myself for fear or repercussions or abandonment.”

“The bouncing around from emotion to emotion…going from hyper to hypo sensitive and spending no time in the middle is physically and mentally exhausting.”

“The hardest part for me is my impulsivity. Having tried committing suicide six times, they have all been from rash decisions. I go from zero to waking up in a coma without thinking.”

“I am always being made out to be just too emotional because of my lack of emotional impulse control.”

“Always being on high alert for fear of abandonment which inhibits most relationships because we want to keep you close but are so afraid of you leaving we push you away when we really don’t mean to.”

“For me, it is the constant battle of resisting the urge to self-harm or self-destruct.”

“The ignorance of people about the disorder and the label attached to the word “borderline”, hence it possible being renamed in the next DSM…people are freaked out by the word Borderline which makes us highly misunderstood.”

Those are just a range of the comments that I received from people who are affected by Borderline Personality Disorder that will perhaps open your mind a bit to the insights of people with this illness. Thank you to those who reached out and opened up in order to help educate others.

Jody (Jody's Blog)

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Monday, March 6, 2017

Borderline Personality Disorder Misinformation

The label Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) does not do justice to the emotions felt by those affected. Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is likely to be the replacement, which is getting closer to describing what we go through. The problem is the “symptoms” of BPD are in such a broad spectrum, they cross over into many other mental illnesses.

As I started to learn more about BPD, I was disgusted to see the number of articles that enforced the theory that because BPD is primarily treated with therapy and behavioral changes, it is not an illness, but rather an excuse for being manipulative and abusive; another reason to not take responsibility for the impulsive behaviors and the suicidal thoughts that are seen merely as cries for attention. The amount of stigma and misinformation out there is baffling.

Let me tell you firsthand that life with BPD can be an emotional hell. I wish there was a pill to help alleviate the symptoms, because it certainly is easier to swallow a pill than it is the truth. I would love to get up in the morning, pop a tablet and have even one day that my mind is not an emotional battleground. It is so effortless compared to the work required digging through your past, and the difficulty in unlearning things you have done your whole life. The behaviors have been repeated so often they have become a part of who you are, or at least who you think you are, and unlearning them is incredibly difficult and painful.

Understand that our mood swings are so intense that they are either at one end of the spectrum or the other. There is little to no middle ground. We are either in a state of hyper or hypo arousal, which basically means we are constantly on guard, whether it be during an up period or a bout of depression. We have little control over the timing of our moods swings happen or for how long they will last. We are on high alert because we are constantly afraid. We lack a solid sense of self which not only enables our fear but causes us to be afraid of our own reactions to things. We are terrified of being abandoned or left in any manner and the smallest inclination of someone doing so can send us into an emotional and verbal frenzy.

We are not trying to manipulate or abuse anyone, and if it comes across as doing so, please know there is absolutely no intent or malice involved. Our lack of impulse control is perhaps the most difficult part of having BPD. We may be ok one minute and the next we are spewing words we will end up wanting to take back. There is no rational mind when we are triggered by something, we are running completely emotively and our reactions are so instantaneous that the situation quickly spirals out of control. We fear being left so much that we say something in one breath and are apologizing in the next. We want you so close we hold on too tight and then fear of abandonment takes over and we push you away and then reach to pull you back as quickly as possible for fear of being alone. All this can occur in a time span so short we hardly have time to process what has just happened.

As for suicidal thoughts or self-harm, they too are ruled by our lack of self-control. In no way are they cries for attention. At the time they are uncontrollable, instant reactions driven by our emotive brain, and that theory is largely supported by the incredibly high number of suicide attempts involving people with BPD. Cutting is, once again, an impulsive way to try and alleviate the emotional distress we are under at the time, an instant distraction from the pain.

When we are of rational mind, we are aware of all of these things we do. We know our behaviors are impulsive and wrong, we just don’t know yet how to stop them. We punish ourselves in any way possible, physically and mentally, questioning every word we have said, every word said by others, and words not yet spoken. We are harsher and more critical of ourselves than we would ever be to someone else. There is nothing anyone can say to me that my inner critic has not already said a lot more harshly and multiple times.

So if you happen to be someone researching BPD, be it for yourself or someone else, please take what you read with the proverbial grain of salt. We are not manipulative, selfish, abusive monsters. We do not do things to hurt other people, we are just quicker to self-protect. We are still the people we were before we were diagnosed, and sadly that is too easily forgotten. We are the same as you except we wear our emotions on the outside, whether we like it or not.

Jody (Jody's Blog)

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Monday, February 6, 2017

The Trauma of Accepting Our Trauma

It can literally take five minutes of trauma to permanently affect a child’s life. It does not necessarily matter what the trauma is or if it happened only once or multiple times, the underlying damage can physically alter the development of certain areas of the brain thereby altering the development of personality. This is particularly true in cases of childhood sexual abuse.

During the trauma we simply do not have the capabilities to cope with the situation, so the natural instinct of the brain kicks in and the emotional center is quickly replaced by the instinctual (reptilian) portion of the brain. The mind does what it needs to survive the trauma at the time, which is basically to shut down and kick into survival mode, since our brains are entirely unable to process what has happened.

Fast forward an undetermined period of time and our brains are as developed as they are going to be and are now better equipped to cope with our childhood traumas and despite our desperate attempts to keep these memories repressed, they slowly start to exit their domain of safety and creep their way towards the front of our brains.

Those seemingly unexplainable actions and behaviors, the bad habits and negative coping skills and the diagnoses of whatever mental illness, all really do have an underlying reason. The emotional outbursts were not displays for show and the random and often harmful acts were not cries for attention. The lack of ability to fully bond and trust was in no way meant to be malicious. The darkness that you have carried in your heart and soul has cast a shadow that has dimmed your entire perspective of life.

Once the memory is at the forefront, we can either spend a tremendous amount of emotional energy trying to repress it again, or we can try to ignore it, but somehow it always seems to rear its ugly head. The process of accepting these memories as truths is not only the first and perhaps most difficult step in the healing process but is also multi-faceted.

To believe these atrocities happened to us brings about intense feelings of shame, confusion and anger. We question why this happened to us, or what we did to deserve it. We can’t accept that it isn’t our fault and self-blame torments us for years. Even our adult brain has trouble comprehending that these memories are actually real. We cannot understand how someone we knew or trusted or even loved could violate us in such a traumatic manner that it forever changed our views of the world, and of ourselves. It marred our ability to trust, set boundaries and have healthy relationships. The feelings of shame have weighed us down and burdened us throughout our lives and the emotional weight of the trauma that has held us captive for years finally breaks our back.

What alternative do we have aside from accepting these new truths that are not only completely overwhelming but seemingly impossible? We are almost forced by our minds to deal with our trauma whether we believe we are ready or not. We are guided directly through the middle of it as there seems to be no true detour.

Acceptance involves challenging the only values and beliefs we know, and puts into question our already fragile sense of self. It requires setting new emotional boundaries and learning to place the blame where it rightly belongs. It often means we will have to emotionally and sometimes physically remove ourselves from the lives of certain family or friends. It means taking a step back from life in order to get a different viewpoint.

Acceptance forces us to look deep inside at the shame we have been unnecessarily carrying around for a lifetime and realize it is actually not our burden to carry. It means opening up wounds that we have already formed scars over in order to heal properly. Accepting our abuse, however hard and trying it may be is the beginning to the end goal of healing.

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Sunday, February 5, 2017

Mental Health Matters - Mind Body Connection

Today I get the wonderful opportunity to introduce a great friend of mine, Jody. She is one of my new regular columnists on the Mind Body Thoughts Connections.

Her blog will be on the subject of "Mental Health Matters".

I met Jody online through Twitter. I believe it was a connection through Matt, who also writes a column for my blog, "Survive, Thrive, Conquer".

Jody's insights and tweets and blog posts caught my attention because I could tell that she was sharing them from her heart. Out of her own painful experiences in her life, she was reaching out and trying to help others who were searching for their own way to heal.

Jody's passion and insight are things I truly admire in her. Everything I read from her feels so heartfelt and authentic. Often I can see myself in much of what she writes. She is very encouraging to others who are struggling and often reaches out to just let you know she is thinking about you.

Mental health is an issue that many struggle with in this world. All too often there is a stigma against it as if someone is damaged goods or weak or just not valued. People who struggle with mental health issues need help and support and to know that things can get better. They don't need to be ostracized and looked down upon by people in our society.

I so look forward to what Jody will share with this blog, and her articles are always top notch! Welcome aboard this team, Jody. I am so happy to have you as a part of this endeavor, as we reach out and support those who need it.

For more information on Jody and the articles she writes, go to the page on this blog, Mental Health Matters. Look for her articles around the first Monday of each month.

Monday, December 12, 2016

BPD and Suicide - Reasons The Numbers Are High

By Jody. Among all of the mental illnesses, research has shown that people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) have not only the highest number of suicide attempts, but also the highest rates of completion. Some studies have the numbers as high as 70% of people with BPD will attempt suicide at least once in their lifetime, while many will have multiple attempts, and the death rates are estimated as high as 10%. BPD is primarily characterized by unstable emotions, impulsive behavior, unstable sense of self, intense but unstable relationships, repeated sudden and rapid mood swings, self-harm, and frequent suicidal thoughts and actions.

I was not officially diagnosed until last year, but I have been suicidal since I was a child, hence my first attempt at age eight, and subsequent attempts over the years, which I had attributed solely to multiple childhood traumas and the death of my Mom. I knew there was “something wrong with me” but had no interest in finding out what, as it was easier to ignore than to deal with. When I was first diagnosed, I really had no clue what BPD was and wasn’t sure I was happy being placed into a diagnostic box, until I went home and did some reading and realized that these characteristics were all ones that I ones I had consistently displayed over the years, especially the suicide and self-harm.

After being diagnosed and realizing I was not the only one with these thoughts, I started doing some reading on the commonality of suicide and self-harm, and why it was so prevalent among individuals with BPD, and the same three things came up repeatedly, all which fit accurately with the attempts in my life.

People with BPD experience extremely emotions, especially negative ones, at a much more intense level than that average person. It feels somewhat like always having an open wound that when touched even gently causes immense pain. These emotions often become so intense and overwhelming that our minds simply can’t process the pain and we often feel like the only way to end the pain, is to end our lives, even if we don’t necessarily want to die.
One of the primary and most difficult symptoms of BPD to control is the impulsivity, which is the tendency to act quickly without recognizing consequences. For me, it feels like the emotional part of my brain has shut down the cognitive, rational side to the point that every thought and action then becomes emotively driven, and often that is what triggers the thoughts of suicide and self –harm. It is often recurrent attempts or injuries that are the only reasons people with BPD present for help.

BPD is a chronic condition, meaning that not only does it often last for years but there are no medications to manage it directly, and those that are prescribed are generally for the symptoms of other illnesses that often present with BPD. The main road to recovery is through therapy, and sadly, for so many people that is not a viable option, whether it is for personal or financial reasons, BPD often goes untreated, hence the extreme number of suicide attempts.

Suicide is a subject that most people are ignorant to only because it has yet to directly affect them, however if the statistics keep rising at the current rate, it won’t be too long before everyone knows someone who has been affected. A simple conversation could help to save a life, so be the one to start it.

Additional Resources:

BPD is a chronic condition and usually lasts for years. Conditions that are more chronic may lead to more risk for suicide since they do not tend to get better quickly without treatment. BPD tends to co-occur with other mental disorders, such as bipolar disorder, major depression and schizoaffective disorder. When there are other mental disorders present, the risk of suicide increases.

Guest Blogger Note

Jody is a 3x suicide attempt survivor, childhood domestic violence survivor and sexual abuse survivor dealing with borderline personality disorder, depression, self-harm and anxiety. Hoping to make the difference in at least one life. You can find Jody on her BLOG or you can follow her on TWITTER. She's a great friend to follow!

Images courtesy of Jody with permission.
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