When I went through Conversion Disorder, there was one day they were bringing me back to life. My body and mind had decided to give up and it took modern medicine to bring me back into this world. I didn't want to live. I was tired of the fight. I was tired of trying to stay strong enough for another moment so I could even begin to find my way out of hell.
For a long time, I didn't know the way out. I didn't think there was a way out. For a long time, every breath I took seemed hopeless. It felt as if nothing was ever going to change.
For a long time, I couldn't even begin to see the hands that were reaching out or the hugs of support that were coming my way. I complained and bemoaned that I was all alone and in fact I was. I had made myself all alone in a world that was more frightening to me than I understood.
For a time, I lashed out at everyone and anyone and all things that were good for me. I needed the safety and security of what I deemed normal in life. Anything that didn't fit into the mode of what I thought life and existence was, ended up being thrown in my daily trash bin of life's useless stuff.
No one thought I would walk again. I didn't think my memory would ever come back. No one thought I would function normally another day in my life and return to the job that was fortunately still waiting for me. I didn't think my anxiety would ever subside enough to walk in the store or drive down the road or walk outside my door.
No one thought I would make it...
No one thought I would make it. I didn't think the depression and pain would ever lift enough for me to find one good moment in life. Everyone seemed to have all the feel good things that they knew could help. I didn't think that there was any hope of happiness in my days for happiness was not a friend to me.
I fought and I struggled. I shunned many people who I could not deal with and I sunk deeper into my little cave. I hid from the world. I hid from my family. I cried day and night while hugging my cat. My cat was the only thing I loved. I didn't even love myself.
I wasn't supposed to come out of Conversion Disorder and function normally in life. However, I wasn't about to let them win. I wasn't about to remain an incapacitated shell of a human being.
I could have just gave up...
I could have stayed where I was. There were no answers, but plenty of questions. I could have just gave up, but somehow - there was something that kept me going. My anger propelled me further and my stubbornness became my best friend. My willingness to never accept the condition I was in was the motivation to taking a step and coming back from dead.
There is time to be angry and hateful and distant. There is a time for us to almost give up and feel like there is no hope. There is a time for us to wallow in our misery and despair, thinking that there is no way forward. There is a time for all of this. No one can tell you when that time has passed.
However, I know through first hand experience, there is no better way to conquer, then by picking up the pieces and trying to figure out how to put them together. There is not better way to conquer then to get up from the night of despair and look at another sunrise.
I know deep down that the desire within me to walk again, breathe again and live again was all I had. It is what helped me to search for answers and discard those stubborn beliefs that had failed me in life.
The desire to heal...
The desire to heal and to thrive and become all that I am today was not by believing there were no options, but by finding out that I had not discovered the options yet. It was not about what I knew in the moment, but that I allowed myself to search and discover and find out what I did not know.
Days are not always sunny and bright. There are dark moments of healing and discovery and wallowing and self pity. The trick isn't how to avoid them, but learning how to walk through them harnessing the skills and knowledge that will help you walk down the healing road.
These are the things that will help you prevail in your days ahead so that the despair will no longer rule your life as it once did. These are the things that you pick up which help you learn and discover and find out much more of life than you ever knew exists.
The most important thing I found through my entire healing journey is that I could not hold on to that which I thought I knew because if I did, I would not discover that which I did not know. It was in the discovery that I began to find out what my life was and who I truly was.
Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly
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