Have Some Compassion For Shy People

I was heartbroken at what I saw today, while waiting to get my haircut.  There was this little girl (maybe  4 years old) who was very shy.  The little girl was getting ridiculed for being shy by her family.  It was very sad and I about tore these people apart for it.

The little girl was standing in the waiting area with her mom at the counter.  Another young girl who was maybe a year or two older came up to her and tried to be nice and friendly.  The little shy girl immediately withdrew and the other girl walked away.  You could see the shy girl all withdrawn in her body and had her arms tucked in around her body.

Her mom of course begins to chastise her for being shy and demanded that she lower her arms down.  With scorn, she told the little shy girl that she needed to learn how to be nice to strangers.  The mom ridiculed her little daughter for being shy and of course the older sibling had to make sure she did the same.

The Highly Sensitive Person

I've known for years that I'm extremely sensitive - hyper sensitive as I always called it. When I was a kid, I would cry at the smallest things. One example I love to use is if a rock got kicked around (especially if it was my pet rock), I would cry or feel extremely sad. While most people hardly see this as something of significance, many things around me in nature and the world have always taken on a different meaning and significance to me.

Friends have nicknamed me "space cowboy" because I just picked up on things and sensed things. At first, I wasn't too happy about the nickname but then I began to look at all that I do pick up. Often times, I could not verbally tell you in detail what that is but I truly sense and feel so much. For such a long time, I thought everyone could do that but I am learning that most people are not even aware of it. And I pick all kinds of things up around me in all kinds of different ways.

For example, if I walk into a building, I can tell the "energy" or "mood" of the building. It is usually instant for me and has a lot to do with the people in the building but sometimes it seems like it is the building itself. If I'm around people especially in close proximity to them, I pick up their mood, their attitudes and its almost like I feel like I'm feeling or sensing or living through what they are in their lives. Sometimes I hear sounds that are so faint, no one around me hears. I'll hear delivery trucks or people walking on the street when I'm so far removed from them it would be difficult for ears to pick up. I sometimes smell the slightest scents from a distance and sometimes I can smell individual scents as well.

LOUD NOISES
One of the things for me though is I cannot take much loud music at all. Even what some would consider to be a normal level is often way to loud for me. It gets in the way of all that I hear and pick up and just causes confusion as well as me feeling overwhelmed. I look for quiet places and enjoy the quiet surroundings. Just hearing the sounds of nature can be more than enough for me and better than any symphony that could be performed.

SOLITUDE
While I enjoy being around people, I have to have my down time away from everyone. I need my space and I need my quiet peaceful moments. Being around too many people especially in close proximity can be very overwhelming for me and the only way I can do this is to find a quiet place to retreat. While I can talk to people, I do tend to be on the shy side until I get to know someone. Actually more often than not, I am more content watching people in crowds or social situations and their interactions than to have the desire of really wanting to interact with them. I do keep my distance from people.

PHYSICAL AILMENTS OF OTHERS
There are many times that I've been in study or discussion groups and picked up stomach problems, headaches, pains and different physical conditions. Often there is much more that I pick up and the more I go through my own healing in my life, the more this intensifies.

ANIMALS
Animals are one thing I've always been connected to and sometimes, I feel as if I pick up what they are feeling, thinking or experiencing. It feels to me that I can almost talk to them and listen to them. It is like they understand me and I understand them. Often in life, I've felt more at home with animals than people and much more understood by animals than people.

BRIGHT LIGHTS
Bright lights or intense sounds or flashing lights affect me in a big way. In my vehicle, I have a rear view mirror that auto dims at night when bright lights are behind me. Actually I had this added on to the vehicle when I bought it because otherwise, driving at night is just too difficult for me. Flashing strobe lights on TV or even with an emergency vehicle are almost painful for me to view. They almost hurt my eyes and I try to avoid looking at them.

WEBSITE FOR MORE INFO
I just became aware of a website and a book about Highly Sensitive People and I've got to read this book. For years, it has felt like a curse to be so sensitive and to take in all that I do. Some days, it is too much and I long to just escape all of it. Some days, I almost have to shut down just to deal with it and to be honest, it is frightening at times. I don't completely understand it or why I am the way I am. I know that trauma in my past has had a lot to do with how my brain developed but being sensitive in our world is not always regarded as positive.


SELF TEST
If you want to take a self test, the link is www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm


EXAMPLES OF BEHAVIORS
Here's a few things that Elaine Aron shares on her website, hsperson.com

--Are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens nearby?

--Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?

--Do you make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows?

--Do you need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation?

--Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations?

--Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art?

--Do you have a rich and complex inner life?

--When you were a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy?


THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON by Elaine Aron
Here's the link to one of the books that Elaine Aron has written that I'm ordering and going to read. I'll keep you updated on the book as I read it.

Please feel free to comment or leave me a message if you're a highly sensitive person. I'd love to know that I'm not the only one out there.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Interview With Fear

Something I once wrote for the Voices organization that was published in their newsletter, The Chorus. Voices is no longer in existence but at the time it was a valuable organization for survivors of child abuse. It is a cute writing but is packed with a lot of great insight.




INTERVIEW WITH FEAR
(c) 1998 by Don Shetterly

Reporter's note: It was very difficult to catch up with Fear. Every time we almost got Fear to say yes to an interview, he would disappear on us and it would take us weeks to catch up with him again. So, while we have him sitting in the room, we have taken measures to protect him.

REPORTER
Good afternoon Fear. It is nice to finally get a chance to talk with you.

FEAR
Uh, well I guess but you know, I can't stay too long….

REPORTER
We wont take very much of your time. Are you feeling much more relaxed now than you were earlier?

FEAR
A little bit. It is just hard for me to relax and talk to you. If I get to know someone a little than it is no problem but this is really scary.

REPORTER
You are doing fine Fear and if you need to take a break at any time, just let me know. I notice you have a teddy bear with you. Can you explain the significance of this?

FEAR
Well many people may see it as a childish thing and not something for someone that's in their 30's. And really I don't take it every where I go because someone may laugh at me. It's more of a private thing. Since I never was allowed to be a child when I was younger, I am now trying to give myself a chance to be a kid and let the child part of myself grow and mature. The teddy bear is one way of doing this. Plus, it also makes me feel safe and secure. Whenever I need comfort, I just reach for my teddy bear and hold it close to myself.

REPORTER
Now, if I am being to rough with this question, please let me know. As we have been trying to catch up with you, you have become very good at disappearing on us. Why is that?

FEAR
Man, you really go to the heart of the interview, don't you! I mean, I really wasn't trying to disappear, I just had things to do!

REPORTER
But, you never would return our calls after you agreed to do the interview.

FEAR
Well uh, I was, uh,,,, okay, you got me! I just don't like being asked questions and being put on the spot. It makes me nervous to talk to other people and I know that what I say is going to make someone mad at me. I mean some people just don't like to hear things that I say and if they get mad, guess who they will take it out on. There is no reason for me to put myself in that situation.

REPORTER
Is that why you requested the protection around here today and the seclusion?

FEAR
Yes, I really don't want to leave here and get the crap pounded out of me!

REPORTER
I think you are safe here. How do you show up when you get around people?

FEAR
There are many things that people do. Like being very quiet, sitting off in a corner, being all alone, scared to leave their house, shy, withdrawn. Sometimes they will get very loud and boisterous to kind of protect themselves. I have seen some people go around trying to pick fights with other people and yelling at others just to protect themselves from me. Even fathers will sometimes yell at their kids for no reason but to protect themselves.

REPORTER
So poor little innocent kids take the brunt of you with their fathers?

FEAR
Yeah, I am not proud of that and I wish people wouldn't do this. I mean it is one thing to protect yourself but taking me out on other people, I just can't stand by and let this go on.

REPORTER
But isn't a father justified in getting upset with his children? I mean that is part of normal discipline, isn't it?

FEAR
What you're talking about is different than what I am talking about. Getting upset at your children for something they have truly done wrong or disciplining them with love is not the same as dragging me into the picture. When people drag me into the picture, they are usually insecure about themselves and feel they are inadequate. The only way for them to hide this is to put me out in front of them.

REPORTER
You also mentioned being withdrawn and alone, being shy and not wanting to leave the house. Can you explain these more?

FEAR
Well I can sometimes overwhelm people so much that they will just not be themselves. They use me to keep themselves in a very safe and secure place but they also keep themselves very lonely. Most of the time these same people have so much to offer but they use me to keep from dealing with reality.

REPORTER
So are you saying that you are bad for people to have around?

FEAR
Yes and No! Having me in your life can guard you against awful things that may happen to you and protect you from potential hurt inflicted by others. I can also have a positive impact on your life because I can help you to take risks in life in a calculated way. Some people will just go out and take unnecessary risks but I help them think through these things.

REPORTER
Okay, so what is so bad about you being around?

FEAR
Well some people try and just use me to deal with life. They get very jealous of me and make me work many overtime hours. It really is draining on me and in the end it doesn't do these people much good. These people will blame me for everything in life while hiding that they even know me. It's like they become so dependent upon me that you can't tell them apart from me.

REPORTER
Some say that you and Anger work together as a team. Is this true?

FEAR
NO! I am by myself and I don't work with anyone else. I think what they are referring to is when they try and keep me around all for themselves. Then, when I am not enough to protect them, they start looking for Anger to help them out. I do not make any calls to Anger for them and I don't even suggest they talk to Anger. They just do it because they think I am not enough for them.

REPORTER
So by someone having you around, do you inadvertently push them to Anger?

FEAR
NO! First of all, Anger just like myself is good when we are used in moderation. When people use us out of desperation, than we get the bad rap for it. I don't push them to Anger nor do I push them to Happiness. Actually I like to have these people around because than I can feel useful.

REPORTER
What advice would you give to people who want to know you better?

FEAR
Use me in moderation. Remember, I am by myself and there is only so much of me to go around. Don't try to hide behind me! Try to own up to the times that you need me. Most of all don't use me as an excuse to be mean to others, especially innocent little children.

REPORTER
I want to thank you for taking the time to talk with us today and I am sure many people will learn a lot from this interview.

FEAR
Well, I hope so. I just hope they don't get mad at me for what I have said and come after me!