We Are Not Worthy

"Hope And Possibility Through Trauma" is written by Don Shetterly, a relaxing music artist, workshop facilitator, massage therapist and author.

Suffering from a somatoform disorder (also known as a conversion disorder) in 1991, Don Shetterly was paralyzed and not able to walk or take care of himself. Traumatic moments of child abuse he lived through from an early age had finally caught up with him. At age 26, Don was set on a path that in order to survive and live, he had to heal those deep dark corners of his life.

From page 185, (Hope And Possibility Through Trauma)
Many times, we ask for things in our life, whether it is money to pay the bills, abundance in our life, a new job, or other changes we desire and need. We visualize and we pray and we talk about all of these things but yet, they never seem to show up. We then become discouraged thinking that we are not good enough to deserve these things, and that is why they are not showing up.

For Further Reading:
Hope And Possibility Through Trauma

Trauma Recovery: Self Sabotage

As a Trauma Survivor - Things I Struggle With:

1) Hips and legs still don't move freely
2) It's hard for me to realize people like and love me
3) Too often I see my life as a struggle
4) I focus more on what I don't have, than on what I do have
5) I convince myself that I am not good enough
6) I'm afraid I will fail at anything I do
7) Often I feel I don't fit in with the world
8) It is difficult to see that things will get better
9) Do I have the determination and courage I need

It is amazing when I begin to think about the good things coming my way in life, how I sabotage everything. These are deep rooted and long held concepts that have cemented themselves into my mind. While I wish that I would not believe these things, I know deep down that I do worship these thoughts.

When it states in the Ten Commandments of the Bible, "Thou shall not have any other Gods before me," maybe what is truly meant is different than we've been taught. Yes, I know the church teaches that this is all about worshiping idols. What if it had a focus on my inner being or inner spirit, which this is the God that I must worship? It is the God within me. Allowing the fears to rule my life would mean that I am allowing other Gods before me. My awareness is the God within me. Perhaps the passage from the Ten Commandments refers to honoring and respecting the spirit and awareness within my body or the power I have within myself.

It is too easy for me to wander through life discounting so much about myself. Other people I know are able to see things within me, that I exclaim to myself, "I'm not good enough!" Where I see a lack of self confidence, others see in me, strength and determination. Even though I see my life as a struggle, the universe and the angels see my life as unfolding in the manner it is meant to happen. When I focus on not being good enough to accomplish a task, others already know I have the ability to get it done!

Even as I write these words and struggle to let these things go in my life, I hear the voices in the back of my head saying, "who are you kidding?" "Do you really think you can change?" I try to tune the voices out but they continue to talk with gusto and strength.

Then I realize that the voices or the old tapes I hear are nothing but fears. They are the fears that haunt me day and night. They are the fears that paralyze me while holding me back from action. I recognize each one of them. There is not a one of them that is unfamiliar.

I have no idea how to let go and release these long held fears of my life. I desire freedom from the things I struggle with in my life. I no longer wish them to be my king, yet I give them the power. It would be a joyous moment in my life if I could see myself as the angels and others see me.

The only thing I know to do in order to move past this, is acknowledge that all of these struggles and fears I have in my life are a part of who I am. Each one has made me who I am. Each fear and struggle has brought me to this one moment in time. It is now my choice to continue holding them fast in my arms or releasing them to the angels to be transformed and transmuted.

The question I leave for myself is "what will be my choice?" Will I allow myself to tap into my courage and strength to let these things go? Will I allow myself to part company with something that feels like a major part of who I am?

Of course I am the only one that can answer these questions for my life. I am the only one that can choose to let go of these parts of my life. Ultimately, I am the only one that can allow all of this to unfold in the space and time that it does, being patient and understanding with myself. It is up to me to fully love and accept myself just as I am in this current moment. The rest will work itself out when I'm ready to travel down the rabbit hole of life.

Note: After reading Chapter 2 (Gifts) in the book "Walking Through Illusion" by Betsy Otter Thompson, I was inspired in my own thoughts, which led to many of the things that I wrote today in my morning meditation. On page 23, the quote she wrote had a strong impact upon me. "Disappointment comes from thinking that life should be different. Enjoyment comes from thinking that life is wonderful the way it is."



(Above Picture taken at home in my backyard, FL - (c) 09/14/10)

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I'm Not Good Enough

Some days it is difficult for me to not feel responsible for the things others do. It is as if whatever they do or how they respond to me, that I in some way caused that. I'm not referring to a conceited view but one that I'm always afraid of doing the wrong thing.

Self confidence is very difficult for me. I wish I could take injections to boost my daily level. often i feel scared deep down inside of me, almost to the point where my stomach is shaking inside. It just doesn't come easy for me.

I always feel like I'm failing someone. it is like I'm not good enough or I don't measure up enough. While their expectations may be normal for me, I still strive to earn their trust, respect and approval. They may be already giving these things to me but through my filtered glasses of life, I am unable to see and appreciate it.

It is easy for me to not beat myself up at this point. For I could easily give myself a sentence of flogging for not being good enough. As people have told me in life many times, I am much harder on myself than they would ever be with me. Yet, I don't feel as if I am perfect enough. I feel full of holes and mistakes.

While it didn't help that my father only found faults within me a majority of the time, I was and am a driven person. Nothing is never quite good enough for me and I seldom accept the minimum. In many ways, I'm still caught in the trauma cycle of needing acceptance, love and respect while not realizing I am already getting it. I wish that it was as easy to do for me as it is to write about it. However, I know these two worlds are vast light years apart.

How do I acknowledge this part of my life and continue to move past it?

First, identifying this just as I have done gives me a view point into a part of my life. It is an opening into my conscious awareness.

Second, I need to remember the miles I have already traveled in life. I have come a long ways and need to give myself credit for this. To act as if I've gotten very little progress is really doing a disservice to myself. In many ways, I need to give myself a break.

Third, each day if I remind myself that these things I keep listening to are nothing but old tapes playing in my mind. They are experiences of trauma that need to be loved and accepted so they can be nurtured and released. I need to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect even though I was brainwashed to believe I had to be as perfect as Jesus was.

Fourth, I need to acknowledge and open my eyes that others don't see me as harshly as I see myself. Putting a balance in these things would be much more spiritual than what I currently do. Realizing that by wearing my filtered glasses in life, I'm holding myself back from the connections that are all around me. There is so much more than what I allow myself to be a part of.

What if I just allowed myself to e in a balanced connection to the parts that are not as easy for me? What if I just allowed myself to go there? What would that feel like? What would that look like in my life?

Of course, it is up to me what I choose to do and how I choose to do it. No one else can take these steps for me. If I am to continue moving forward, I need to allow all of these things into my consciousness with loving acceptance. Only then will I be able to release them. Only then will I be able to fill my soul with all that I need and desire for my life.


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Note: Above picture taken as I'm feeding the Budgie Parakeets at Gatorland (Florida)