Feeling Shunned By Life

At times it feels like life is too tough. I feel the challenges I face are more than any one person should have to deal with. I wonder when things will get better or if they ever will. Situations of concern stack upon each other as if there is no end in sight.

Time and time again, I struggle with these things that hit me. It feels like a wall of water crashing into me. I feel as if there are no good days ahead. It is hard to convince myself that things will get better. The end seems like it is nowhere in sight.

During these times, life appears to be filled with the absence of those I know. I feel all alone and shunned. I feel as if I am not good enough and that no one wants me. I cry out in silence, only to be heard by ears that seem like they cannot hear. No matter how many tears I shed of desperation, there are never enough.

So what do I do? How do I not feel shunned by those who mean so much to me? Maybe someone would try and convince me that this is not the case, but within y heart, I ache for a morsel of love. It feels hopeless to me. I fear there is no end to the hell I live through.

Yet, I know this is not the first time I have ever felt this way. Truly, it has been my constant companion throughout my life. It has been my friend that has constantly stuck with me. However, I do not want this friend. I want to be free of feeling shunned by life. I want to feel like I fit in this world before my days are complete.

Because I am such a highly sensitive person, this is much more difficult to deal with. Everything seems to hit me much more intensely then most in this world. I feel things that I can barely put into perspective. These things become overwhelming. They give me no rest.

Everywhere I turn; my mind seems to be filled with more questions than answers. While I know that the answer lie within me, I knock on the door but no one answers. It all seems futile. It all seems like there is no point. I am filled with exhaustion.

I do recognize that feeling shunned by life and like an outcast has some strong, biological connections for me. There are many pains of old, which grace my mind. I also know that this too shall pass. My current moment of despair will flow into calmer waters. There will be peace in my life once again.

For now I must ask myself and the pain that I am experiencing, why are you here? What is your purpose? Why have you showed up once again? For these experiences are trying to teach me those hard learned lessons of life. They are showing me moments of greater awareness. They are offering me a greater connectedness to myself.

I humbly try to accept and learn from my feelings of being shunned by life. I humbly try to realize that not everyone is out there to get me, even when it feels that way. I humbly try to love and accept myself even through these difficult times in life.

If I allow myself to travel this journey, through the fear of being shunned, I will become stronger. I know I will grow in ways that I cannot imagine. Please, may I find the strength I need in order to complete this leg of my journey.

(Above Picture taken at St Augustine Beach, FL - (c) 08/13/09)

Prayer: I Send Out Love

I send out love to those that upset me with their constant criticism of everything in this world.

I send out love to those who speak only to hear themselves make conversation and sounds.

I sent out love to those who only are able to see part of the big picture but in their mind, they see it all.

I send out love to those who feel that what they have to say is far more important than what someone else is saying.

I send out love to those who are lost in teachings that they regurgitate upon request.

I send out love to those who fear and cast out others who are different than themselves.

I send out love to those who follow blindly what is expected of them.

I send out love to those who choose to just exist in life while ignoring their true potential.

I send out love to those who feel they can control or manipulate others, regardless if it is an adult, a child or an animal.

I send out love to those who attack others for personal gain.

I send out love to those who have experienced deep pain in their lives.

I send out love to those who do not understand what it means to be loved or that it is possible to be loved.

I send out love to mother earth for being raped and abused by the inhabitants.

I send out love to all who have experienced the horrors or evils of life, at the hands of others.

I send out love to those who have been harmed by war as well as those who have inflicted war upon others.

I send out love to those whose only motivation in life is control, power and money.

I send out love to those who are weighed under by circumstances that seem to be holding them back and weighing them down.

I send out love to my own body, spirit and mind so that I am able to be there for others with purity, humbleness and strength.

I send out love to the hearts of all people who see more of the differences in others rather than the similarities.

I send out love to the world in hopes that through my actions, others will pass love along.

I send out love to all that is created each day knowing that hope and possibility exist in each of our moments.

As I think about sending out love, may I truly and fully love and accept myself. May I realize that love begins with what I hold in my heart. For if I don't fully understand how to love myself, it will be difficult to love all that is around me. Let love being with me.


(Above Picture taken in my backyard, FL - (c) 09/18/10)

*Read other articles on Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Trauma Recovery: Self Sabotage

As a Trauma Survivor - Things I Struggle With:

1) Hips and legs still don't move freely
2) It's hard for me to realize people like and love me
3) Too often I see my life as a struggle
4) I focus more on what I don't have, than on what I do have
5) I convince myself that I am not good enough
6) I'm afraid I will fail at anything I do
7) Often I feel I don't fit in with the world
8) It is difficult to see that things will get better
9) Do I have the determination and courage I need

It is amazing when I begin to think about the good things coming my way in life, how I sabotage everything. These are deep rooted and long held concepts that have cemented themselves into my mind. While I wish that I would not believe these things, I know deep down that I do worship these thoughts.

When it states in the Ten Commandments of the Bible, "Thou shall not have any other Gods before me," maybe what is truly meant is different than we've been taught. Yes, I know the church teaches that this is all about worshiping idols. What if it had a focus on my inner being or inner spirit, which this is the God that I must worship? It is the God within me. Allowing the fears to rule my life would mean that I am allowing other Gods before me. My awareness is the God within me. Perhaps the passage from the Ten Commandments refers to honoring and respecting the spirit and awareness within my body or the power I have within myself.

It is too easy for me to wander through life discounting so much about myself. Other people I know are able to see things within me, that I exclaim to myself, "I'm not good enough!" Where I see a lack of self confidence, others see in me, strength and determination. Even though I see my life as a struggle, the universe and the angels see my life as unfolding in the manner it is meant to happen. When I focus on not being good enough to accomplish a task, others already know I have the ability to get it done!

Even as I write these words and struggle to let these things go in my life, I hear the voices in the back of my head saying, "who are you kidding?" "Do you really think you can change?" I try to tune the voices out but they continue to talk with gusto and strength.

Then I realize that the voices or the old tapes I hear are nothing but fears. They are the fears that haunt me day and night. They are the fears that paralyze me while holding me back from action. I recognize each one of them. There is not a one of them that is unfamiliar.

I have no idea how to let go and release these long held fears of my life. I desire freedom from the things I struggle with in my life. I no longer wish them to be my king, yet I give them the power. It would be a joyous moment in my life if I could see myself as the angels and others see me.

The only thing I know to do in order to move past this, is acknowledge that all of these struggles and fears I have in my life are a part of who I am. Each one has made me who I am. Each fear and struggle has brought me to this one moment in time. It is now my choice to continue holding them fast in my arms or releasing them to the angels to be transformed and transmuted.

The question I leave for myself is "what will be my choice?" Will I allow myself to tap into my courage and strength to let these things go? Will I allow myself to part company with something that feels like a major part of who I am?

Of course I am the only one that can answer these questions for my life. I am the only one that can choose to let go of these parts of my life. Ultimately, I am the only one that can allow all of this to unfold in the space and time that it does, being patient and understanding with myself. It is up to me to fully love and accept myself just as I am in this current moment. The rest will work itself out when I'm ready to travel down the rabbit hole of life.

Note: After reading Chapter 2 (Gifts) in the book "Walking Through Illusion" by Betsy Otter Thompson, I was inspired in my own thoughts, which led to many of the things that I wrote today in my morning meditation. On page 23, the quote she wrote had a strong impact upon me. "Disappointment comes from thinking that life should be different. Enjoyment comes from thinking that life is wonderful the way it is."



(Above Picture taken at home in my backyard, FL - (c) 09/14/10)

*Read other articles on Mind Body Thoughts Blog

I'm Not Good Enough

Some days it is difficult for me to not feel responsible for the things others do. It is as if whatever they do or how they respond to me, that I in some way caused that. I'm not referring to a conceited view but one that I'm always afraid of doing the wrong thing.

Self confidence is very difficult for me. I wish I could take injections to boost my daily level. often i feel scared deep down inside of me, almost to the point where my stomach is shaking inside. It just doesn't come easy for me.

I always feel like I'm failing someone. it is like I'm not good enough or I don't measure up enough. While their expectations may be normal for me, I still strive to earn their trust, respect and approval. They may be already giving these things to me but through my filtered glasses of life, I am unable to see and appreciate it.

It is easy for me to not beat myself up at this point. For I could easily give myself a sentence of flogging for not being good enough. As people have told me in life many times, I am much harder on myself than they would ever be with me. Yet, I don't feel as if I am perfect enough. I feel full of holes and mistakes.

While it didn't help that my father only found faults within me a majority of the time, I was and am a driven person. Nothing is never quite good enough for me and I seldom accept the minimum. In many ways, I'm still caught in the trauma cycle of needing acceptance, love and respect while not realizing I am already getting it. I wish that it was as easy to do for me as it is to write about it. However, I know these two worlds are vast light years apart.

How do I acknowledge this part of my life and continue to move past it?

First, identifying this just as I have done gives me a view point into a part of my life. It is an opening into my conscious awareness.

Second, I need to remember the miles I have already traveled in life. I have come a long ways and need to give myself credit for this. To act as if I've gotten very little progress is really doing a disservice to myself. In many ways, I need to give myself a break.

Third, each day if I remind myself that these things I keep listening to are nothing but old tapes playing in my mind. They are experiences of trauma that need to be loved and accepted so they can be nurtured and released. I need to remind myself that I don't have to be perfect even though I was brainwashed to believe I had to be as perfect as Jesus was.

Fourth, I need to acknowledge and open my eyes that others don't see me as harshly as I see myself. Putting a balance in these things would be much more spiritual than what I currently do. Realizing that by wearing my filtered glasses in life, I'm holding myself back from the connections that are all around me. There is so much more than what I allow myself to be a part of.

What if I just allowed myself to e in a balanced connection to the parts that are not as easy for me? What if I just allowed myself to go there? What would that feel like? What would that look like in my life?

Of course, it is up to me what I choose to do and how I choose to do it. No one else can take these steps for me. If I am to continue moving forward, I need to allow all of these things into my consciousness with loving acceptance. Only then will I be able to release them. Only then will I be able to fill my soul with all that I need and desire for my life.


*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Note: Above picture taken as I'm feeding the Budgie Parakeets at Gatorland (Florida)

Dear Angels

Dear Angels,
Help me replace my
negative thoughts,
doubts and worries
with love and
acceptance for
myself.

Where Does Agitation Come From?

Where does agitation come from? It just seems to show up. Did someone just let it in the door without realizing who was coming in? Maybe I am tired or possibly an emotional nerve has been touched?

Things can be going so well and yet the agitation sets in as a rainy day in the summer. While maybe we would love to have all sunny days, without a little rain, our lives may not grow in its absence.

Just think of life without rain in that we would eventually wither and die. We would droop our leaves and our leaves would turn brown and drop off. Without the rain, we would not maintain, evolve and grow.

So today, I will ask the question, "what is my source of agitation?" Could it be that I pushed my body physically and it needs some rest? Am I feeling as if an emotional nerve has been touched? Is it what I pick up from the world around me?

For today, in this moment, I will honor and respect myself. I will allow myself to feel agitated without judging it and instead, I will accept it through love. I will sense and feel where it resides within my body, than offer a voice to it, so that it may share wisdom with me.

Finally, I will observe it throughout my day to notice the depth, qualities, feelings, sensations and connections to my consciousness that it holds.

I lovingly honor and accept myself

--All of myself