Child Abuse Survivors Are Not Alone

Written By Don Shetterly

Far too many times we think we're all alone out in the world.  We believe there is no one else that has suffered through situations like we have.  We see our experiences as isolating us from others, when in fact, many have also walked in similar shoes on the road of life.

When I was first starting to deal with the memories of child sexual abuse, I thought I was alone.  I didn't think anyone understood.  I didn't know there was anyone else that had gone through these things.  Boy, was I so wrong!

In the early days, there were not the online resources that exist today.  There was not a team of therapists and support people that you could reach out to for help.  The internet was beginning to come alive, but resources were few and far between.  I remember going to one of the first support forums for male survivors.

The thing that this place helped the most was letting us all share our experiences and how we were struggling and dealing with them.  When you started to read the things other members wrote, you began to see that you weren't alone.  It was like a shot of a Hallelujah Chorus singing for all the heavens to hear.  It was that powerful.

When you go through abuse, even if the innermost parts of you can determine it is harmful and wrong, there's a part that says, "this is what is normal in life."  When you are a child experiencing these horrendous acts, it blurs the line between what is normal and what is not.  You carry that through into your adult years as if it is a conflicting truth which you have built your life upon.

Knowing that others have gone through experiences I had and that the trauma and abuse were anything but normal, helps significantly in reconciling your life with truth.  It is in that vulnerability that we come to know more of what the truth is.

One of the hardest things for survivors of abuse is feeling like they are alone and no one understands.  I'm grateful that there is a network of support out there for child abuse survivors.  The tricky part comes in getting those to see that they are not alone and others will be there supporting them as they begin their healing journey.

I can almost guarantee you that if you feel you're alone in what you are going through, there are others out there that understand this.  When you meet that individual, you will find a sense of strength and determination in healing from the horrors of your past.  It may not make the path easy, but at least you do not have to do this alone.

 Some great resources

1. Male Survivor
2. Surviving My Past
3. Mind Body Thoughts Blog (this blog)

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

The Murky Waters Of Forgiveness

All my life I was taught one thing about this concept, and it messed me up for many years.  Forgiveness is something that is often taught in religious homes of all flavors and in the homes of those that have been abused as children.

Forgiveness is taught as a weapon to get the children under control and to be subservient to someone deemed greater than themselves.  It is taught as a manipulation, that you must do this and let the other person off the hook.

These are the murky waters of forgiveness because they distort the truth and manipulate those that are willing to follow.  I used to live in those murky waters of forgiveness and if anyone dared to challenge me, I dismissed them at will.

I've struggled long and hard with forgiveness because in no way do I want those that hurt me so deeply and badly to have one easy moment in their life.  I don't want them to think that what they did was okay.  I don't want them to have an easy life where they don't fully realize what they did to me.  I'm sorry, but I am human and I was horribly abused.

Was nowhere near ready...

I even had one church go as far as have me come up to the front while all these people prayed and laid hands on me.  It was a forgiveness ritual.  The thing is, I was nowhere near ready to even talk about forgiveness and I ended up resenting it even more.

When my mom passed away, I had friends of the family telling me I should forgive.  They thought that I needed to move on in my life.  However, they did not know the family secrets.  It did not stop them from preaching forgiveness to me.  I walked away and said, "enough is enough".

Oprah and Tyler Perry on forgiveness

When I went to the Oprah 200 Male Survivor episode, I heard Oprah and Tyler Perry talking about forgiveness.  I thought, well how special it was that they can forgive.  I wasn't really buying it at the time because I too thought, why would I ever let the abusers off the hook?

What I have learned though is forgiveness isn't what I was taught.  It isn't about going down on your knees and praying for your abusers to be freed from the prison you live in.  It isn't about them.  It is not about them!

Forgiveness is not a process where you wake up one morning and go everything is over.  That is a fallacy on so many levels that is widely practiced today because of religious teaching.  I'm sorry, I don't believe that is how forgiveness works.

I learn to let go...

Forgiveness is a process where I learn to let go.  It is where I allow myself to start disconnecting from all the horrors and hurt and pain I have been through.   It is about my own healing and discovering who I am.  It is about me learning to deal with the anger I have, the pain that permeates the deepest parts of my soul.  It is about letting go of it all and learning to walk forward without all of this.

Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook.  I fully hold the abusers in my life accountable for what they did.  It is their job to ask forgiveness of themselves and of me.  Until they do that, I will never let them off the hook.  I'm not even sure I could at that point either.

I don't care what my abusers wish from me and need from me.  They destroyed my life, so they no longer get the option of having that control or say in anything I do.  They gave that up when the violated me.

Forgiveness for me is letting go.  It is stepping away from all that hurt; not ignoring it, but working to move on in my life and heal my life.  It is about me becoming all that I can become.  It is about giving myself a chance for the future.

The only person I have any control over is myself, but if I harbor the anger and resentment toward those who did those things, it will have an impact on me physically.  That is not helpful for me.  Forgiveness is what I need to let go of and I do it by healing and becoming all that I am and was meant to be.

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

Surviving My Past

Let me introduce you to someone I find interesting and inspiring.  While I know there are a lot of places across internet land for survivors, not all of them touch me in the way this site did.  I've only had a chance to read a few of the blog posts on this site at the time I am writing this, but just wanted to give a shout out to Surviving My Past.

The other day on twitter, I saw a tweet come through that was talking about the book by Ellen Bass, The Courage To Heal.  This is an awesome book in my view and I believe it was the first book I ever bought when I was starting to piece my life together.

I remember listening to Ellen Bass speak at the Voices conference in Chicago in the late 1990's.  I don't recall exactly what year it was, but it was my first time being among other survivors of child abuse.  We sang the song together in that lecture, "How Could Anyone" by Shaina Noll.  If you want a life changing song, check out the song I just mentioned.  Try and sing along with it like I did in the morning and at night.  It brought tears to my eyes and helped transform how I viewed myself.

 

Back to the story of how I connected with Surviving My Past.  I saw the tweet come through and had to comment.  Of course, the individual commented back and then we had a conversation.  It was one of those connections that you just feel like you know what the other person has gone through because you both have been fighting in the same war.  And I found out that this was a male survivor of child abuse who had come across this book like I did.


I checked out his website and was blown away by how much he talked about his own journey of healing as he is going through it.  Surviving child abuse is not easy and if you make it through this part, trying to heal your life is equally as difficult.

When it comes to male survivors, there is this hidden code in the world that guys just don't talk about being sexually abused and they sure don't share emotions.  After all, little boys are taught from an early age in the family and society that they are just supposed to buck up and take it.  You're not supposed to show any signs of weakness as society and the family would dictate.

I like the raw and unedited part of his life that he is showing in SurvivingMyPast.net .   Its the real deal.  It is the person that is trying to piece their life back together with all the challenges you face and the energy it takes.  It is the questioning and attempt to search for answers, not just wallowing in the horrors.

I'm so inspired by this site and I hope you will take time to check it out.  Please pass it on to your friends that may need it, especially your male survivor friends.  There are many male survivors out there that need help and they need to know they aren't alone.  After all, I witnessed that in the Oprah 200 Male Survivor episode back in 2010.

The website is Surviving My Past (SurvivingMyPast.net)

You can also connect with him on Twitter @SurvivingMyPast

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

032216

Child Abuse Prevention Month

This is a subject that is very near and dear to my heart.  If you have read this blog for any period of time, you'll know what I went through as a child.  I do not think we are still doing enough to stop child abuse.  It is far too prevalent in our society.

I'm dedicating this blog post to Child Abuse Prevention Month.  It is my attempt in helping those who are suffering in silence and who still suffer in silence.  There are far too many boys and girls, men and women that experience this.

Back in 2010, I was fortunate to be part of one of Oprah's last episodes on 200 Male Survivors.  While it was an opportunity of a life time, I still remember sitting there crying most of the time as I heard the stories of fellow survivors and connected with moments of pain that still reside in my own life.  I can still remember connecting with Tyler Perry's story of abuse where he talked about being beaten so badly.

If you think child abuse stops having an impact when the abuse stops, I've got news for you.  Long after the child abuse ends, the effects are still ravaging the child who goes on to become an adult.  It is like a forest fire that consumes everything in its path.

There is no easy way through it and often it leads to many more difficulties for the victim.  Many child abuse survivors fight like hell to overcome it and their days are not easy.

The best thing we can do is bring to light any instance of child abuse.  When we shine a light on the truth and we demolish the secrets that are being kept, it is then that we will have a fighting chance to stop child abuse.

One myth that gets perpetuated is that child molesters are some scary looking monster hiding in the trees that the child does not know.  Yes, there are these people.  However, the majority of child abusers are known to the child.  They live in their homes, churches, schools, and communities.

It is time that we as a society say this MUST STOP.  It is time as a society that we say, if you are going to abuse our children, you will not be allowed to function freely in our society.

If we are truly intent on stopping child abuse, we would get rid of the statute of limitations for these crimes against humanity.  We would wake up and stop letting child abusers hide in our churches, communities, schools, and homes.

It is up to each one of us, but if you know of someone being abused, don't sit by in silence.  For if you do, you are just as bad as the child molester abusing that child.

If you want to read more about some of what I went through, you can check out my book, Hope And Possibility Through Trauma on Amazon.

#saam2016

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

032016

Oprah 200 Male Survivors 5 years later

Its hard to believe it has been that long.  Five years since we were chosen to be part of one of Oprah's last episodes.  It was the two part episode on male survivors.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  I still remember it as if I was overtaken by a flood of emotions.

Sitting in that room with 200 other male survivors was an experience unlike any other I have had in life.  I so remember the early days of my recovery when I didn't think anyone else existed and I was all alone.  I remember meeting the first male survivor back in the late 1990's and it helped change my life and helped me recover.

No longer do I worry about the effects of what happened to me.  I know them all too well.  What I am focused on these days are how I continue to move forward and drop ever last single bit of what happened to me.  It isn't easy.  Yes, I can put on a happy face and act like the remnants are no longer there, but then I wouldn't be very honest.