Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Plan I Dream About

From My Journal

The Plan I Dream About
As Recorded on Nov 12, 2009

In my life, I enjoy having plenty of free time to myself. Most of my life, I spent many hours a day and almost every day seeing how much I could work. Work was my passion, my drug, and my lover. It consumed me while I consumed it. It was my escape from a world I did not want to be involved with. It was my mistress yet it was my partner. No longer do I have a desire to see how many hours I can put in for any given day or week. I enjoy my down time way too much.

In my downtime, I enjoy writing for my blog or just writing whatever is on my mind. That isn’t work to me. In my downtime, I enjoy playing my keyboard and not specifically to record anything but just to do this. It is enjoyment, not work. In my downtime, I love to create whether it is finding a better way to do something, growing things in my garden, painting, or taking pictures. These are times of enjoyment and wonder for me. If I could use my creativity to sustain my life, these things would account for much of my week.

However, I’m faced with the reality that while I make limited money from these endeavors, they do not sustain my life or give me any flexibility in living throughout my day. I can’t help but think of the term we often hear about artists who struggle, calling them “starving artists”. If I was on my own and not with the person I love, I would be most likely living out of a cardboard box begging for food. That is a harsh reality that makes me shudder from the inside out and even though I would rather not think about this, I know how much of a reality it could be. I long for the day when I can contribute much more than I am able at this moment, to the relationship with my partner that I have.

Throughout my past and my years growing up, I lived in a family that struggled to put food on the table. I remember going to bed hungry many times and if it weren’t for free lunches through the government at school or the food giveaways, I would have truly starved as a child. Extras to us were buying clothes we needed (not wanted) and possibly the biggest treat we got was buying a candy bar once a year. I don’t remember ever going out to eat other than when I got gift certificates given to me for McDonalds and then that was about the only time. I remember the cold houses we lived in with barely enough heat to make it through the cold Iowa winters only warming up a bathroom with a space heater on Saturday nights so we could take a bath. We had very little in possessions but I was always creative so I managed to create my own fun and adventures without ever spending one penny.

So now, I stand in front of that gigantic mountain which lies before me having no idea of how to cross it. It seems too big in front of me and the cliffs seem too steep to climb. I see the snow covered tops as the winds howl with force. I feel as if I’m not prepared to climb it nor do I have the energy needed. I see people beckon from afar drawing my attention to take the challenge of the climb, but as I get ready to initiate the first step, I am stopped by a tree directly in front of me. My face is so pressed against that tree, that I am not able to turn my face to either side to realize I can go around it as I begin to climb. I am so afraid of taking a step backwards toward what I am fleeing in my life that it renders my movement motionless. It appears that I can go nowhere. It appears that this is my destiny no matter what I try to tell myself or others try to tell me. I become exhausted. I become disillusioned. I desire to give up for the challenge seems too difficult.

I’m not a stranger to challenge or difficulty in my life. It has been more abundant than any other thing I’ve ever known. It seems as if it is my partner, my soul mate and my passion. Yet, that seems about as ridiculous as one can get. This does not make logical sense to a logical mind but it feels like a long lost friend I will forever be connected with. And how I so desire to once and for all, flee from this friend.

As I let my mind dream and wander which it so likes to do, I know there is more out there for me and this keeps me going! While I can picture so many images in my mind of all that can be, I’m haunted by the fears and horrors my life faces. It is not a comforting thought but one of complete fear and trepidation.

So if I could remove all fears, all obstacles and all old patterns to my life, here is what I think life would be. At least this is the view from the cheap seats of the concert hall. I’m writing this of course to mark this moment in my life so that it will not slip away unnoticed and to give credibility to the thoughts and forward motion of my mind.

There is a building close to where we live that used to be a “Hollywood Video Store”. It sits on one of the main roads into town with easy access. The building has large ceilings in it with a feel of landscaping and glass windows. I have driven by this building so many times wondering how I could own it and make it into my dream I am dreaming about. It is empty now and has been that way for some time but somehow I want ownership of that building. Yet the fears of failing in a business venture are all too real.

For you see, I would remodel that building into a healing center complete with one of those rotating display lighted signs out by the road. My goal would be to offer my healing work (which is another part of myself I’m still coming to terms with). However, I would not offer my healing work at a price unless someone could truly afford it but I would offer it to those who I feel need it most that have absolutely no way to pay for these services. It would be a free based service to most while accepting donations to help sustain it. My hope would be to somehow get a grant for this. My heart longs to help those who are struggling like I am and need help, hope and a way forward even though they have no resources to do this.

As part of this healing center, there would be a big meeting room where book discussions of all kinds, or lectures from various healing modalities could come in. The meeting room would offer a way for people to share their talents through hands on type activities, relaxation ways including Yoga, Qi Gong, poetry readings, and musical sharing and just about anything one could dream up here to do. It would offer a place for other body workers to have trade days so they could share their work with each other and help renew themselves. Support groups and all kinds of experiential workshops would help fill this big meeting room.

Others doing healing work would fill the remainder of the healing center space offering them a way to rent space at a lower cost. This would include a psychiatrist/psychologist, a chiropractor or other health professional, acupuncturist, and all types of body workers. The rent generated by this would help to pay the overall operating costs of the place. It would provide for a wide variety of experiences and energy to come together and be part of something bigger. Each person that used this location would also be part of the experiences for the big meeting room giving many different events a home for this healing center.

While I know that you can’t always give the ship away and in order for anything to sustain itself, income has to come in, my hope is that some grant or lottery winnings or investment source could come along and pay for this. I have absolutely no money to even begin this process let alone have a clue where to begin. I could care less if I ever become wealthy but again, a modest income to help support basic functions in life is something that I desire. I am a very simple person and can live on a lot less than most people in life do.

So this is the shell around what I dream about. How this is accomplished, I don’t know. At this point, I am not even sure how to take the first step in making this a reality. I just want to create a place where those who have nothing can heal. There are too many out there that see healing as something beyond their comprehension and resources. I would like to remove that obstacle.

And for now, I’m committing this to paper in hopes that it connects with the resources of the universe to bring it into reality. Of course, I know that my own healing needs to progress in order to do this because right now, I struggle to find my own way forward in the midst of this stormy sea.

That is my hope and goal. That gives me hope.

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