Thrown Into the Fire

Sometimes when you're in the middle of something that is difficult, it isn't easy to see any way forward.  It is not easy to understand that it might be the most helpful thing for you.  In fact, sometimes it is just too much too bear, that the last thing you want to think about is how helpful it may be.

In the past several months, I've had extremely difficult moments to deal with in life.  It isn't the first time this has happened and most likely won't be the last.  I was thrown into the fire like no other time I have easily seen.

If you would have told me that what I was going through was good, I would have most likely slapped ya up-side the head.  I would not have believed you.  I would not have listened to you at that moment.

It just kept howling at me...

Yet, as I think back and see all the stuff that was piling on, I'm beginning to see just why it did what it did.  One event would have been an annoyance, but event after event after experience piled on like snow drifting in a snowstorm.  It didn't stop!  It just kept howling at me at every turn.

At one point, I was ready to give up.  In fact, after one experience, I cried so hard that I could barely stop.  The pain hurt deeply.  The wound that was inflicted cut all the way through me.  I took off for the mountains to get away and find a break from it all.

I had felt so abandoned and alone, hurt and abused, and wondering where in the heck my life was going.  The mountains and the trees were my only refuge at that point.  I took off, wondering if I would even want to come back.  I took off, not caring if I really stayed alive another day.  The pain was so great, I could barely handle it.  I was thrown into the fire.

I could barely function...

As the fire raged on in my life, there was one thing after another.  It didn't stop and there were physical issues that showed up from being so exhausted where I could barely function in a day, to having to deal with a horrible rash in one of the worst places it could end up.

It felt like my life was falling apart.  It felt like there was no tomorrow. I could not get a handle on anything.  I could not get a break.  It just kept going, one experience and event after another.  I tried to hang on, but even that was exhausting.

I finally started thinking - OK - life, just have your way.  I can't control this anyway, so you might as well do whatever it is you're going to do.  I started working on surrendering to the horrible part of being thrown into the fire, even though that was far more difficult than it is to write these words.

I had no clue how to proceed...

I tried to focus as I was being thrown into the fire, but that was more difficult than breathing.  My mind was anywhere but on how to proceed.  I had no clue how to proceed or deal with any of this that was happening.

As the days went, I began to piece things together.  I began to see things a little more clearly each day.  No, it was not like everything came into view all at once.  If I sat here and said that I see the whole picture at this moment, I would be lying.  Each day, a little more shows up.  Each day I see just a little more.

The one thing that I notice is my life is changing.  I'm beginning to drop some of the long held anger in my life.  Granted, from being abused and tortured, I have a right to be as angry as I am.  It is hard to let go of that anger.  It is more than just thinking I am letting go or saying the words "I am letting go".  Maybe that works for some, but this is the cellular level of consciousness that I'm working through.

It was burning up the stuff deep inside...

The fire is all the events that were happening.  The one event after another that was consuming me.  While I thought it was consuming me (the person), I realize now that it was burning up so much of this stuff deep within me that I struggled to release and get rid of in my life.

If you burn wet and soft wood in a fireplace, the soot will build up.  If it builds up, the chimney needs to be cleaned.  You can do this a number of ways, but if you light a hot fire or a brief one in the chimney, it goes a long ways to cleaning the soot out.  (This is merely an example, not something you should try at home).

Sometimes in our life, the only way to get rid of the soot in the chimney is to burn it out.  When we are in the fire, it is then that we are attempting to get rid of that which is not helping us.  We may not see it in the moment.  It may feel like an overwhelming experience that you cannot even begin to understand this point I'm writing about.  Hey, that's okay.  I understand because I have walked through these hot stones.

The more I began to find peace...

The more I allowed the stuff that had caused me great pain to be consumed by the fire I was in, the more I began to find peace.  If I tried to hold on to the pain of those moments, I continued to stoke the fire.  No, it was not easy.  It was much more difficult than I'm writing.

I had to be patient with myself and let go of all that stuff that happened.  It was a collection of many experiences and triggers in life from years gone by, showing up as every day moments.  These were traces of things that I had worked on, but by them coming at me all at once, it ignited the fire in the furnace so much, that it ended up consuming them.

Now they are nothing more than ashes in my life that I can sweep out and make room for things that are much better and more beneficial for me.  I'm sure, there are other things that I will find as I go deeper into my own consciousness, but I know that the fire helped me.  It helped me let go of things that I've struggled with every day.

Life isn't perfect, but I can see some of those issues drastically better than they were.  I can feel like I'm more in control of them than I was and that helps boost my peace and self confidence to take on bigger tasks ahead.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Hiding The Punishment Board

When we were kids, we had this beds that had oak slats in them.  Sometimes we would jump up and down on the springs and of course, every now and then the oak slat would break.  Generally when that happened, my dad would scream and get angry.  But hey, that was nothing new.

Of course, he then figured out that the board made a nice punishment tool. In fact it was more effective than the belt he would normally use.  It didn't give in flexibility like a belt and it inflicted more pain upon us kids.

I used to hate the thing almost as much as I hated my father.  He didn't just punish us, he beat us.  Often it was for some small thing that just set him off wrong.  It didn't take much to find yourself on the wrong end of his anger.

The board was too convenient

Throughout the years, my brothers and I dealt with that stupid board.  I tried hard to be as perfect as I could be for we were not only taught that Jesus wanted you to be perfect, but any little infraction would bring punishment with great pain by my dad.  The board was just too convenient for him to use on us.

Since we moved around a lot, it was not uncommon to forget something.  Most of the homes we lived in were rentals and there was always left over junk from before we got there and long after we left.

In addition, my dad loved to collect lumber.  If he went by a railroad car with old lumber in it, he would go to great lengths to ask the right person if he could have it.  Then, we would go and pull all of this lumber out and drag it home.  Next, my brothers and I would have to pull each and every bent nail out of the boards.  We spent hours doing this every day when we got home from school.  Of course, my father never helped except to chastise us if we broke a nail off in the board or we weren't doing it fast enough or correct enough.  I hated this lumber.  I loathed him collecting it and most of the time it never got used for anything.

I was so tired of being beat with that board...

On one such move, I got smart and didn't tell my brothers or anyone the plan I had in my mind.  I was so tired of being beat with that board, that I decided to hide it.  The big stack of wood that he had collected was not going to go with us to our new home.  It was too far of a drive and not enough space in the moving truck for it, so my father donated it to some friend in church.

Without anyone looking, I quickly took the board and ran to the wood pile and hid it so it wouldn't be found.  I made sure no one saw me and if anyone walked around the lumber, it would not be seen.  It was just before we were ready to get in the moving truck and leave.

Where did the punishment board go?

When we got to the new place, my dad was perplexed at where this board had gone.  He surmised it must have been misplaced in the move or left behind, but he didn't know where it had gone.  Finally, little bit of a reprieve, but not by much because he still had his belt and his hand and his tools to punish us with.  He could still kick us too.

It was not until years later that I told the family what I had done with it.  They didn't suspect it out of me because I was always the one that tried to behave and do the right thing.  When I told them, I knew I was safe and while everyone laughed, I am sure my father probably wanted to beat the daylights out of me at that point.  I won that battle.  It was about the only battle with him I won.

I'll never forget that oak slat board he used for punishment.  I so badly wanted to use it on him and believe me, if I still had it, I probably would.  The pain we endured from those years has never left me.  It remains a constant reminder to me.

I'm just glad I was smart enough to go and hide the thing and not tell a soul.  I doubt I could have trusted anyone in the family to keep the secret which would have been a horror for me.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Learning To Let Go In The Healing Process

Healing is about learning to let go and every time we go into the process, the body and mind (all the old fear patterns and tapes that play) don't want to give up control.  It is the old self - the ego part of us that says - no way - I'm going to stay in control.

These toxic parts and old tapes desire for us to keep everything in place, even if it is the most toxic thing for our lives.  These parts have a strong desire to survive even though they may be hurting us at the same time.  Deep healing takes us into those moments and it can become a tug-of-war.  The trick is allowing it to happen in the way that it is unfolding. 

I know I fought it in the beginning and wanted everything fixed now.  I was frustrated at times that everything wasn't magically better.  However, just like then, I'm still learning what it truly means to surrender into the moment I am at in my life.  It is such a part of being human and living the human experience.  What healing is trying to do is take us beyond our current moment and when we go beyond that, it begins to change internal things from the inside out.

Sometimes those changes take time...

Sometimes those changes happen overnight.  Sometimes those changes take time.  It is a process...  and the process will continue to unfold as far as we allow it.  I go through this too just like many others do.  Its not easy to walk into the darkness of the unknown.

One therapist repeated to me many times, the following thought which I found very useful.  I know that sounds simplistic, but it is the essence of what all this is about.

When we step into the darkness of the unknown, one of two things will happen.  We will either be given wings and taught to fly or we will have something solid to stand on. 

The fears are powerful.  There is no denying that.  I remember one healer talking about "negative pleasures".  Even if something is negative or harmful in our life, there is often a part that we are too afraid to give up.  We want to hold on to it because that is all we know to do.   It was our method of survival when the trauma was taking place.  To give it up and find the peace and healing is part of the lesson.  It is the part that helps us find out what we need to learn.

I still remember one time that I was struggling with a rash that would not go away.  Dr. Canali looked at me and said, "are you ready to let go?"  At first, I thought I was, but as I started to get angry and upset, I realized in the session that I was not ready to let go of it.  I feared that if I let go, I wouldn't survive. I wouldn't make it.  I wouldn't know what was beyond that which I was experiencing.  It was all that I knew and as if someone was asking me to cut off my leg or arm.  It was a struggle to understand that.

Healing is about learning to let go but it is a process.  It is a process that has to unfold and the more we stand in the way of it, the more we hold it back.  It is not a race to the finish line, but an awareness of all that we are.  Through that awareness and consciousness, we heal and become more than we are today.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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