Pushing Beyond The Fears - Part Two

This is Part 2 in a 2 part series.  Please begin by reading Part 1.

I was so miserable inside and I felt my life longing to be more than I was. There was something inside of me that kept pushing me forward. It kept pushing me beyond my fears. So, then it happened! I decided to help out Duplin Outdoor Drama, selling tickets. Okay, it wasn’t anything earth shattering. Millions of people could have done that, but to me it was still hiding behind a table handling cash, but taking a major baby step to go beyond my four walls. It was a slow emergence out into the world, but all the time hiding behind a barrier (aka the table that separated me from the people wanting to buy tickets to the show.) Soon, I was taking on more and more responsibilities, from helping to line up workers to manage the ticket tables, to making the deposits into the bank after the show. In time, I would be elected to the board of directors and help run the organization, along with other volunteers.

Maybe this doesn’t sound like something earth shattering and in many ways it is not. Yet, by putting myself out there into something I would normally have never done in a million years, I began to heal myself from this fear. In fact, I began to make some close friends and when I had to leave there a year later to catch another journey in my life, I was saddened by the thought of leaving this place. Only a year earlier, I had been so afraid to venture out into this world.

Pushing Beyond The Fears - Part One

In a not so distant time, I remember being so afraid to leave the walls of my house. Of course, it was just another fear that I had to deal with. While this particular fear has a shape and size to it, what I did to go beyond translates into many other types of fears. For in this moment that I experienced this, I was so afraid to move beyond the current situation I was in. Pushing beyond the fears was anything but a comforting thought in my mind.

You see, I was afraid to leave the house. If I was not going to my house or to the store to buy groceries, I did not leave my four walls. It was only out of necessity that I left the walls I was in. I felt safe and secure in my home with the windows closed, blinds drawn, and doors locked. I felt safe within the confines of my home where I was hidden from the outside world. I did not want visitors and I encouraged no one. I had very few close friends that were not work related and I only socialized with them when it was required during the course of a business day.

People were a threat. The outside world was a threat. Pushing beyond the fears of my four walls was like asking me to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. This was not going to happen. Anxiety would build up within me every time I even gave the slightest thought to venturing outside. Even if I went to the store, it was timed to be during moments of the day when I thought there would be the fewest people in the store. I did not want to see, talk, or be around any more people than I absolutely needed to.