Some days, I cry myself to sleep feeling so unloved and unwanted. My tears are silent tears that flow down my face. My heart breaks in two as I feel so far removed from everything and everyone in the world.
I'm writing this from the depths of my soul where it looks ugly and messy and confusing. I chose to write this instead of holding it in because I'm pretty certain I'm not alone in some of these thoughts. Yet, I fear that I will be judged for sharing these things.
There are reasons though that I feel this way and some of them are so deeply rooted in a life that is difficult at times to deal with.
From the moment I was born, I really wasn't wanted. Yes, my mom cared for me and loved me but it didn't seem like I fit in. My early days in the hospital were spent with the nurses taking care of me because my Dad had hepatitis and so my mom (from what I was told) had to make a choice to be around me or him. For some God forsaken reason, she chose him (well, I know why but don't wish to state that publicly).
So anyway, let's fast forward a few years. My older brother was always getting himself into situations where he demanded attention and my younger brother seemed to do enough to get the attention as well (he was the baby of the family after all). So here I come along and the only attention I really got was when I worked my butt off around the house/farm or when I was being abused. It should be noted that I was always told that because God loved me, my father was doing these things to me. Twisted, I know but unfortunately that's what my little mind was told.
I remember going to bed hungry so many nights early on in my life and sometimes wishing that I didn't have to endure the life I was born into. I remember sometimes going outside and finding boards or rocks or other objects and I would hit myself until it hurt so much that I would stop. All of it was because of what I was going through and because I felt unloved, unwanted, dirty and no good. Fortunately I was so afraid of blood from an early traumatic experience in my life because otherwise I would most likely have been cutting myself.
All my life I just never felt like anyone really loved me or wanted me. I felt alone and out of place in the world. In many ways, maybe I did live up to the nickname my family gave me at one point, - reject.
It's been hard even to this day because it is so difficult for me to know if someone truly loves me and wants me. I have such difficulty seeing it and telling it apart from those that just want to use me. Its a blurry line to me. Yet, I do know that I've got a couple of people in my life that really do care. However, these close people know that sometimes I fail to see this and it really wears thin on their patience with me.
In my life, I do see some people that just try to use me and some that for lack of communication, I'm not sure where I stand with them. Of course that feeds into my own self induced misery of feeling unloved and unwanted.
Much progress in my life has been made in healing these deep wounds but I would be lying if I said that there was no traces of these traumatic moments in my body and mind. I long for the day that I can say more progress has been made and I no longer question everyone and everything around me when it comes to feeling loved and wanted. It is my hope that I will continue to progress further in this area of my life. It is my hope!
Further Reading:
1) Hope And Possibility Through Trauma (Book By Don Shetterly)
2) Oprah - 200 Men on child abuse (Blog Post Oct 28, 2010)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog Post & Images (c) 7/29/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com
If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm writing this from the depths of my soul where it looks ugly and messy and confusing. I chose to write this instead of holding it in because I'm pretty certain I'm not alone in some of these thoughts. Yet, I fear that I will be judged for sharing these things.
There are reasons though that I feel this way and some of them are so deeply rooted in a life that is difficult at times to deal with.
From the moment I was born, I really wasn't wanted. Yes, my mom cared for me and loved me but it didn't seem like I fit in. My early days in the hospital were spent with the nurses taking care of me because my Dad had hepatitis and so my mom (from what I was told) had to make a choice to be around me or him. For some God forsaken reason, she chose him (well, I know why but don't wish to state that publicly).
So anyway, let's fast forward a few years. My older brother was always getting himself into situations where he demanded attention and my younger brother seemed to do enough to get the attention as well (he was the baby of the family after all). So here I come along and the only attention I really got was when I worked my butt off around the house/farm or when I was being abused. It should be noted that I was always told that because God loved me, my father was doing these things to me. Twisted, I know but unfortunately that's what my little mind was told.
I remember going to bed hungry so many nights early on in my life and sometimes wishing that I didn't have to endure the life I was born into. I remember sometimes going outside and finding boards or rocks or other objects and I would hit myself until it hurt so much that I would stop. All of it was because of what I was going through and because I felt unloved, unwanted, dirty and no good. Fortunately I was so afraid of blood from an early traumatic experience in my life because otherwise I would most likely have been cutting myself.
All my life I just never felt like anyone really loved me or wanted me. I felt alone and out of place in the world. In many ways, maybe I did live up to the nickname my family gave me at one point, - reject.
It's been hard even to this day because it is so difficult for me to know if someone truly loves me and wants me. I have such difficulty seeing it and telling it apart from those that just want to use me. Its a blurry line to me. Yet, I do know that I've got a couple of people in my life that really do care. However, these close people know that sometimes I fail to see this and it really wears thin on their patience with me.
In my life, I do see some people that just try to use me and some that for lack of communication, I'm not sure where I stand with them. Of course that feeds into my own self induced misery of feeling unloved and unwanted.
Much progress in my life has been made in healing these deep wounds but I would be lying if I said that there was no traces of these traumatic moments in my body and mind. I long for the day that I can say more progress has been made and I no longer question everyone and everything around me when it comes to feeling loved and wanted. It is my hope that I will continue to progress further in this area of my life. It is my hope!
Further Reading:
1) Hope And Possibility Through Trauma (Book By Don Shetterly)
2) Oprah - 200 Men on child abuse (Blog Post Oct 28, 2010)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog Post & Images (c) 7/29/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com
If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
