One of the things I experienced in 1991 was a condition called Conversion Disorder. Many people see it in different ways, and there are many who do not understand this condition. In a nutshell, it is like an overloaded circuit in the body that tends to flip the breaker and shut you down. That is how I've come to understand it in my own healing and life.
Pseudo-seizures in Conversion Disorder are part of what I experienced after I lost control of my body through paralysis. In those early moments, I could not walk or stand and function on my own. Eating, talking, moving, and many other actions we take for granted were gone from me in the blink of an eye.
However, the seizures I went through was by far the worst. I did not understand what was happening to me. They would go on forever, it seemed. My parents would watch me in the wheelchair I was sitting in as the seizures kicked in. They would be frightened, and so would I. The only thing that stopped the seizures was when my body got completely exhausted.
In these seizures (that's what I call them), my body would tremble and shake. It felt like my arms and legs would move violently all over the place with absolutely no control. It didn't feel as though I was present in the moment of what was happening, and it always felt like there was nothing I could do.
I was so frightened during these times. I wanted so badly for someone to come and put their arm around me and hold me. I didn't want people to stare at me as if I was some freak because they were afraid themselves. If anyone talked to me or put a hand on me, I don't remember that. I don't think that happened.
While I was in a healing session the other day, this is the subject that came up. It took me by complete surprise because I had not even thought about it. I sure didn't think I had been traumatized by the seizures. However, I found out just how much is still locked up in my body from these seizures.
In the work I have gone through called Unified Therapy with Dr. Paul Canali, shaking and trembling are often part of the healing session. It is normal for our bodies to shake and tremble to dissipate stress or trauma. However, most of the time the mind and body stop this. So if we allow ourselves into these healing moments, they can release so much locked energy within our cells, tissues, and our mind body.
It is important to make a note here that just shaking and trembling by themselves are not the healing part. When you connect it to an emotion coming up in the body or some experience you've been through that automatically appears, then you have the basis for a very powerful healing moment. If you're not careful though, you can get locked into this trembling and shaking and have it yield nothing more than re-traumatizing yourself or a person you are working with.
As the session went along, all of this came front and center and something that was actually healing and helpful was frightening to me. Dr. Canali is able to understand this and work with me so that I don't go into the overwhelm moment. I go up to the edge of it, where I am instead empowered. While this may all sound like too much and too scary to go through in a session, he is careful not to re-traumatize you. The more you can go into these moments, the more healing and awareness comes out as a result. It becomes empowering to aid you in further healing and growth.
It did not dawn on me until this session that I was storing so much trauma in my body and my mind from the seizures. I just thought that once they were done, it was all over and I had moved on. As I keep gathering the fragmented pieces together of what I went through, I begin to see a new picture of who I am.
All too often, we think that once things are over we are past them and we've moved on. In fact, we often tell ourselves and others that we have moved on, or that they should move on. It isn't until we allow ourselves to connect all of these things together that we truly are in the healing part of the mind body connection.
This is what healing and awareness are all about, but it all depends on how far I'm willing to let myself go into these moments. If I hold myself back, they will not happen. If I let go and surrender to them, the other side of peace and joy that I gain is beyond any words I can use to describe it. If I do not integrate them in and acknowledge their presence in my life, I will continue to wander through life as if it is another foggy day.
Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly
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